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That is sad. I know many people with such "disengaged" members. I cannot even imagine my life in such a family. So many fun times and memories, and so much support through difficult times and tough spots.
Family is awesome.
I am happy that for you family is awesome.
For some of us, there weren't many fun times and memories.
Support was beyond non-existent.
I have posted in other threads that the best thing my mom did for my younger brother and myself is she didn't kill us - though not for lack of trying.
The family wants to see mom and the holidays are the perfect time. When she dies, the incentive to see extended family might fade. It depends on the family, I think.
I think there's some truth to it. My mom died last year at 91. I am one of six living siblings (we lost a bro in 2006).
We didn't get together every family holiday for years, but for the past 30 or so, we had a big family party after New Years since it was impossible to get everyone together for Christmas. We'd all bring food, and we had a silly gift exchange thing with picking numbers, and sometimes we'd play games.
The last such party was January 2020. All of my mother's living children as well as grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there. She was weakening, but she had such a good time with all of us there.
It is likely the last time we will ever gather like that. COVID made the decision for us this year, of course, but the real reason we all got together was my mother. We're holding our breath hoping the crazy youngest brother, who has health issues (besides his obvious progressive mental deterioration) who lived with our mother for the past five years will find a place to live before we sell her house. We don't want our brother to be homeless, of course, but no one wants to live with him and listen to his crazy crap, either. It looks as if some friends may take him in.
There are also other divides that will keep us apart, some political, and some of us refuse to engage in those conversations. There are a couple of vegetarians, and a couple of people who are sure to make loud noises about loving to eat slaughtered animals and pulling up pictures of butchered animals on the Internet because they think that's hysterically funny every time we get together. There are some people of color in my family and there are two who freely use the "n" word and think the ones with black and mixed race family members are overly sensitive about that.
We made an effort to get along for my mother, but truth be told, many of us don't want to put up with the bull anymore that arises when certain family members are in the room. I'm OK if we don't do the Christmas party ever again.
It happened in our family when my mom died. All the adult kids who made an effort to visit my parents (my dad is actually a step-dad but had been married to my mom for 44 years) when my mom was alive. They made a couple of efforts after she passed away, but then they faded away and it became just my husband and me. Even his only living biological son didn't make an effort and still doesn't. My mom was the glue and when she died, it all fell apart.
That is sad. I know many people with such "disengaged" members. I cannot even imagine my life in such a family. So many fun times and memories, and so much support through difficult times and tough spots.
Family is awesome.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nevada2012
I am happy that for you family is awesome.
For some of us, there weren't many fun times and memories.
Support was beyond non-existent.
I have posted in other threads that the best thing my mom did for my younger brother and myself is she didn't kill us - though not for lack of trying.
It is sad, but it is reality for some of us.
Exactly. It's not sad that I no longer come home from family gatherings in tears because of how cruel my family was to me. I was the family door mat.
To be able to say "Family is awesome" is one hell of a privileged position.
My husband's family centered around their mom. She had two daughters who would have taken over, but both died before mom. Third daughter is now the matriarch of her own tiny clan, occasionally inviting her siblings to visit. Fourth daughter just kind of wandered off.
When I hear the word matriarch, I feel a negative vibe. It seems I been hearing the word more often lately. Hearing the word matriarch when someone’s mom dies makes it sound like the family will fall apart without her.
It is happening right now in my family. My Mom is in advanced stage of dementia and is in hospital with Covid. It is 2 sisters against 2 sisters because her guardian put her in a secured care center a year ago and they did not agree with it and still refuse to believe their Mom is in advanced stage of dementia despite doctors and science.
I was involved in a matriarchy. It was about dividing, conquering, controlling the family and extended family. 2 senior women called the shots on everything and colluded with each other to keep control of how they wanted the family to operate. It was good cop bad cop. When the good cop died, no one wanted to pay attention to the bad cop, so the bad cop found a new family to manipulate (step-grandchildren and new daughter in law). But as life goes, people age and die. When the bad cop left this earth all that was left was the inheritance which went to the people who came into her life at the bottom of the 9th inning. She sure showed us!
For some of us, there weren't many fun times and memories.
Support was beyond non-existent.
I have posted in other threads that the best thing my mom did for my younger brother and myself is she didn't kill us - though not for lack of trying.
It is sad, but it is reality for some of us.
It makes you stronger. That is an attribute that many think they have, but don't. Having a wonderful, close family is great if you get one of those, but having a crap family gives you strengths that others will never have. We can't control what we get, so gloating about having the perfect family as if we somehow are better than others because of it, is pretty childish. You deal with the cards you're given - and some gain things out of the deficit.
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