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One could ask, that if they're all ... ok, maybe not 1%-ers, but maybe 3%-ers, why are the parents offering any money at all to adult children who don't need it? That's the strange part. This really smacks of hidden agendas and "issues".
You're probably right.
I'm a #%-er myself.. born from lower-middle class family.
And I can't imagine this being an issue, but obviously it is.
Sort of makes me sad... so I hope the OP moves well beyond it.
I take the strange position that our kids are only given to us to bring up and to give them a start in life. After they(we) become adults then we are on our own.
Now...if we happen to like our parents and choose to be friends with them, thats all good, but as far as I am concerned, their obligation is over when we become an adult. After that they are the same as any other person we meet - we can either choose to become friends or not as we see fit.
I know that goes against what many people see as 'family', but from a philosophical standpoint it makes sense and if you believe that we are spirits in a human body container for a short while, then it makes even more sense.
Life is supposed to be a series of lessons which often come as relationship dramas/events. Sometimes we keep banging our head against the brick wall just to keep up a strained relationship with our family members, but on the other hand, maybe we are destined to make our own way without 'family' ties?
I would be hurt that they felt the need to create some clandestine situation that puts everyone in an awkward situation and pits you guys against each other.
I think her parents underestimated the relationship their children have. Her brother decided to tell her because he felt it was right or didnt know it was a secret or whatever but that was his right to share that information. The parents should not be putting burdens on their children to cause them to have reason to lie.
She repeatedly said she doesnt need and doesnt even particularly want half.
You seem really upset about the fact that this she is upset, are you perhaps the favored child of your parents?
Wow.. talk about assumptions!
No, I’m not upset, have no reason to be, but to ask your parents to consign a mortgage is a bit much and to be pissed because they chose to help their son save his business is over the top.
Lie? Who asked anyone to lie? The parents aren’t under any obligation to tell their children what they do or don’t do with their money... and the brother chose to share that info yes, but the daughter is the one who’s bent out of shape about it. I get the impression that if the daughter was in the same predicament as her brother, she would’ve gotten the help she asked for.
If you, and clearly the OP, can’t see the difference between co-signing a mortgage and loaning money to save a business, then you’re the ones with the ‘issues’.
OP: Do your family members ACTUALLY LOVE EACH OTHER?
If so, why is a few bucks between 1%ers such a bfd?
Money, the abundance and lack of, make people say and do funny things.
Years ago we had in-laws get mad because we wouldn’t co-sign their car loan (25% interest by the way)... they thought they deserved the ‘help’ because we could afford to give them the ‘help’. Yeah, no.
Makes me think of a conversation many years ago with my DH's family. I don't remember the context, but FIL said something like, "You wouldn't like it if we left more money to your brother or sister than you." and DH replied, "It's your money to do as you want. How would that affect how much I love you?" and meant it.
Accept the gift of Y if it seems that your parents want to give it to you, and forget about the X given to your brother. The fact that they paid for your education which was significantly more expensive is a good reason why X is greater than Y. You don't need to count the peas on the plate - everyone has enough peas in your family.
I love this! It's what I've been thinking while I've been reading through this thread but I wasn't able to express it as perfectly as you did!
No, I’m not upset, have no reason to be, but to ask your parents to consign a mortgage is a bit much and to be pissed because they chose to help their son save his business is over the top.
Lie? Who asked anyone to lie? The parents aren’t under any obligation to tell their children what they do or don’t do with their money... and the brother chose to share that info yes, but the daughter is the one who’s bent out of shape about it. I get the impression that if the daughter was in the same predicament as her brother, she would’ve gotten the help she asked for.
If you, and clearly the OP, can’t see the difference between co-signing a mortgage and loaning money to save a business, then you’re the ones with the ‘issues’.
First, I asked if they would consider guaranteeing a mortgage. That was at the start of my home-hunting process. They said no. That's absolutely fine. I went on to buy a place on my own. But they also said that they would not help financially at all. So even if I had asked for something else, such as cash for moving, the answer was a firm NO.
Second, I didn't say that the $X that they gave my brother "help[ed]...save his business". His business is still around and is as strong as ever. It was just a significant dip in income from his principal business at one time. He has no employees or anything; it's just him, and even with that dip in income, he was still able to live well, and he has other sources of income as well. His business was never in danger. How do I know that he was able to live well? He lives in a red state with that never really locked down during the pandemic, and he and his family went on multiple vacations (by plane). That's fine by me, but that shows that the $X gift was not a critical lifeline; it was just funds that offset a dip in income.
Also, my brother asked my parents for a portion of his inheritance- approximately $3 million (a property that my parents own but do nothing with), to be split between the two of us. My parents' response was no to that, but they gave him nearly six figures of cash.
Do you see a difference in how they responded to our respective requests? NO, period, to me, but to him, "we won't give you a piece of property to split with your brother, but we'll give you alone some cash."
Third, I didn't ask anyone to lie. But when a parent volunteers that the parents can't give money to their children...when the parent just gave money to one child, that's dishonest.
I can definitely see a difference between co-signing a mortgage and loaning money to save a business. But that's not what happened here. What happened here was a refusal to guarantee a mortgage, and a refusal to help AT ALL, versus giving money to someone else who had a dip in income.
And again: the main issue that I have with all of this is simply that my mother lied to me. (If she had said nothing about giving, that would have been fine, as it's not my business how my parents use their assets, but when I'm told a statement about how my parents use those assets, I expect honesty.) The second issue that I have with it is really just confusion: I'm clearly the #2 child and I don't know what I did to cause that. That's it.
There really seems to be some unhealthy boundaries within your family. I say this with no judgement. You are a grown man with a family of your own I am assuming. Why do you talk to or see your parents so frequently and know so much details about their finances? My parents also have millions in assets and have tried to control me and my siblings through money. I take any money they offer and ignore any ridiculous requests of me. I don't need their money and don't count on it at all but if they give it to me, sure I'll take it. They can only spend so much. If my parents want to leave me money in their will, great. If not, I'll be fine. I don't think about it bc that's a pure drain of time and energy and will only lead to stress and resentful if I think it's not "fair" between me and my siblings. I really think you need some emotional and physical space between you and your parents. You said you'll stop speaking to them for a while, which in your words meant a week. Seriously, how often do you talk to them? Focus on your own life (as I'm sure you do) and quit thinking about your parents and your brother.
I think you are still hurt about the loan you asked for in a time of need that they declined to provide. I think your brother felt a bit guilty for some reason and that is why he keeps mentioning half.
Your education cost more than brother's, so maybe they felt they owed him something. Clearly they are not comfortable talking about it IMHO you should take what is offered from your parents to pay down your mortgage, tell your brother so there are no secrets, and call it a day.
First, I asked if they would consider guaranteeing a mortgage. That was at the start of my home-hunting process. They said no. That's absolutely fine. I went on to buy a place on my own. But they also said that they would not help financially at all. So even if I had asked for something else, such as cash for moving, the answer was a firm NO.
Second, I didn't say that the $X that they gave my brother "help[ed]...save his business". His business is still around and is as strong as ever. It was just a significant dip in income from his principal business at one time. He has no employees or anything; it's just him, and even with that dip in income, he was still able to live well, and he has other sources of income as well. His business was never in danger. How do I know that he was able to live well? He lives in a red state with that never really locked down during the pandemic, and he and his family went on multiple vacations (by plane). That's fine by me, but that shows that the $X gift was not a critical lifeline; it was just funds that offset a dip in income.
Also, my brother asked my parents for a portion of his inheritance- approximately $3 million (a property that my parents own but do nothing with), to be split between the two of us. My parents' response was no to that, but they gave him nearly six figures of cash.
Do you see a difference in how they responded to our respective requests? NO, period, to me, but to him, "we won't give you a piece of property to split with your brother, but we'll give you alone some cash."
Third, I didn't ask anyone to lie. But when a parent volunteers that the parents can't give money to their children...when the parent just gave money to one child, that's dishonest.
I can definitely see a difference between co-signing a mortgage and loaning money to save a business. But that's not what happened here. What happened here was a refusal to guarantee a mortgage, and a refusal to help AT ALL, versus giving money to someone else who had a dip in income.
And again: the main issue that I have with all of this is simply that my mother lied to me. (If she had said nothing about giving, that would have been fine, as it's not my business how my parents use their assets, but when I'm told a statement about how my parents use those assets, I expect honesty.) The second issue that I have with it is really just confusion: I'm clearly the #2 child and I don't know what I did to cause that. That's it.
I would see this more as an issue if you asked at the same time, but you asked 10 years ago while your brother asked last year. If your parents have investments, they were likely doing well last year and possibly not so well in 2011. I don’t think it’s dishonest to say “I can’t give you money” one year and then almost a decade down the road the mentality has changed.
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