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You asked for advice on how to rationalize your uncomfortable feeling away. I don't think it's going to go away until you know what's behind the split in the friendship. Most posters are telling you to stay out of it and I agree ... to a certain extent. I wouldn't try to mend the split but I would ask the helpful neighbor (whom you feel closer to) what happened. If I understood your post correctly I think you said that she wanted to give you an explanation.
Since you're new in the neighborhood and it's obvious that couple #1 is noticeably absent from couple #2's parties, you're probably going to hear bits and pieces from other neighbors about the rift - some of which might be true and some of which might not be true. If couple #1 is willing to talk about it, why not hear it from them first hand instead of the neighborhood chit chat that's sure to come your way as people get to know you better.
Thanks. When Friend#1 tried to explain she honestly didn't understand and has just accepted it. I don't care about the reason, but to not communicate why seemingly best friends suddenly shut you out seems cruel on the part of couple #2. I think that's my dilemma. I'm wondering if I'm playing into their game playing by participating in their socializing.
When they accepted the coffee she said "YOU'RE welcome at our house any time" (emphasis was hers)
I think I'll continue to be kind to everyone and start declining the "chosen few" invitations.
This is such an interesting community. Some people call it a magic desert bubble. Super small. I relocated from the east for a promotion and didn't plan to stay but realized financially it was smarter to stay until retirement. Everyone knows everyone. It's remote & isolated (an actual classification of this area).
Because you made a point to describe one couple as more blue collar and one as more intellectual, it seems those differences are pronounced enough that it comes out in how they interact with people. Usually those differences end up causing rifts over politics. That may be it.
From what you said, Couple 2 doesn't seem to be actual "friends" with you, more like neighbors/acquaintances. Whereas you speak of Couple 1 as close enough to you that you feel "loyalty."
This reminds me of when I was in high school and due to my school activities my social circles kind of morphed between the "cool/popular" kids and the more shy/brainy kids. I would get invited to the "cool kid" parties and other good friends of mine didn't.
in the end, I realized that I really didn't LIKE the cool kids all that much (nothing personal, just didn't click as well) but I kept wanting to be included in the cool crowd. I decided it wasn't worth it to "slight" the kids I really felt closer to and I focused more on those friendships.
Your story reminds me a little of that scenario. Do you hold Couple 2 in higher esteem because they are "intellectual" and it makes you feel a certain way? Or do you genuinely want to be close to them?
That is what you need to determine first before you worry about how to bridge the 2 worlds.
Thanks. When Friend#1 tried to explain she honestly didn't understand and has just accepted it. I don't care about the reason, but to not communicate why seemingly best friends suddenly shut you out seems cruel on the part of couple #2. I think that's my dilemma. I'm wondering if I'm playing into their game playing by participating in their socializing.
You don't know that's what actually happened. That's couple #1's version. You're making judgements with only part of the story. You likely will never have the full story (and shouldn't press for the full story), so you probably should avoid making such judgements.
Separate dealings and practice healthy boundaries, meaning do not discuss, comment or anything else about 1 couple to the other couple, ever. And if you're feeling uncomfortable or pressured in some way, back away from everyone and take some time to re-center yourself. This is not for you to fix or get involved.
From what's been said it seems like Couple #1 is taking the high road but none of us nor the OP really know the back story. I feel for the OP being the new kid on the block and not wanting to put a wrong foot forward. It's a difficult situation to be in but I have a feeling things will become clearer as she gets to know them better. I think I would gravitate towards Couple #1 but not to the exclusion of Couple #2.
It sounds like they had an arguments about something and just couldn't resolve it. I'm guessing there was no cheating. I also doubt it had anything to do with blue collar/intellectual stuff either. If that had ever been an issue they wouldn't have become such good friends in the first place.
It seems pretty rude that the woman in couple #2 said you can bring any friend except couple #1.
I bought and moved in 8mo ago. Across the street is the nicest couple. She will do anything she can to help someone, and has come through for me lots of times. We frequently drink a glass of wine on the porch. He is retired from the organization where I work and people at work speak very highly of him. (she's mid-60s, he's early 70s) A little more blue collar but world travelers and fun.
Around the corner is another lovely couple. They have occasional casual meals for friends and I've been invited&gone twice. Always fun. He's a retired teacher/professor. I don't remember where she worked. There's an intellectual air about the way they choose their words carefully. A little more polished acting.
These two couples used to be extremely close, for probably 40+ years. Kept keys to each other's houses, alternated hosting weekly dinners for the 4 of them, belonged to a wine-makers club and rode to all events together, etc.
There was a time when the 2nd couple gave the 1st couple the cold shoulder. It wasn't clear why but I heard about the cold behavior, but not what triggered that....
I don't believe it's the blue collar/white collar issue because these 2 couples were, "extremely close friends for 40+ yrs" as the OP said (& I bolded above), so why would socioeconomic/career status suddenly be an issue after 40+ yrs? An affair's looking more like a possibility since they were all "extremely close". Perhaps 2 of them finally took it to an inappropriate level.
Here's other possiblities I can think of off the top of my head:
- the 4 of them went into business together & things went south over how it was ran &/or over money
- does each couple have grown kids by now? Maybe one couple's son dated the other couple's daughter & things went bad & of course each couple was probably on their offspring's side
- a friendship between the KIDS of each couple went bad, so the couples no longer talked anymore either
- this one might be a stretch since they were already extremely close for 40+ yrs, but maybe the blue collar couple finally got fed up over the white collar couple thinking they're all high & mighty w/ their status, so the friendship was finally over
- a disagreement that happened was just never resolved
One can conceive of dozens of possibilities for why the 2 couples are no longer friends, but it doesn't matter because the end result is, they are not friends, period.
OP is having feelings and has asked, "Any advice on how to rationalize this uncomfortable feeling away?"
OP, you don't have to rationalize anything. Be friendly to whomever you want, whenever you want, as you want. It's also ok to limit your interactions as well and just be civil. If the vibe makes you uncomfortable then keep your socializing out of the neighborhood.
It seems pretty rude that the woman in couple #2 said you can bring any friend except couple #1.
I thought OP said they just *thought* the part about "except my other friend."
At any rate, usually when someone tells you that you can "bring someone" to an event, they're telling you that you can bring a date, not that you just bring your platonic buddy (because you need an emotional support person to visit other friends?).
Quote:
Originally Posted by lottamoxie
One can conceive of dozens of possibilities for why the 2 couples are no longer friends, but it doesn't matter because the end result is, they are not friends, period.
OP is having feelings and has asked, "Any advice on how to rationalize this uncomfortable feeling away?"
OP, you don't have to rationalize anything. Be friendly to whomever you want, whenever you want, as you want. It's also ok to limit your interactions as well and just be civil. If the vibe makes you uncomfortable then keep your socializing out of the neighborhood.
Exactly. OP can rationalize it by "this isn't my situation nor my concern." As I said, until they know one of the parties in question acted badly, making the judgment that maybe they shouldn't be friends with one or the other, based on speculation, is jumping the gun and a bit overreactive.
I thought OP said they just *thought* the part about "except my other friend."
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I think you have that wrong. Couple # 2 did explicitly twice make comments about "except that other couple".
A couple who has been friends for 40 years may have a love you/hate you pattern that has been going on for the same 40 years.
I would advise the OP be very careful to stay out of it, no matter what. Couple 2 sounds a bit more snarky about it, but when they make up, you don't want to be the one they've been telling tales to about each other, because then you will be completely out of the loop.
That is, if you care about being in this particular social loop. I certainly wouldn't want anything to do with any of them, but then I don't want anything to do with anyone, generally speaking.
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