Friend's girlfriend and boundary issues (appropriate, partner)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So this friend of mine has been a friend since my childhood. He's like a brother to me. When I got together with my partner and we stopped being quite as close. But he met a woman and decided he wanted us to be couples friends and I was okay with it.
I met his girlfriend they seem to be a good match they seem to be happy and I'm happy for them all of that good stuff but the girlfriend doesn't understand boundaries. At least not with me. She doesn't seem too interested in my partner I figure this is probably because he's not what you would think of when you think of the word masculine.
I don't typically have a problem with touching of a non-sexual nature between friends so I didn't mind when she would hug me or to kiss me on the cheek she did that with my partner too.
Now I'm wondering if I should have stopped that. I don't really know how to address this with my friend. The touching isn't exactly sexual but it is flirty. Like putting your hand in my back pocket I don't know if she just thinks this is okay or I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't want to make her angry and I don't want to screw up a friendship but this is bothering me and I don't really know what to do does anybody have any advice?
As my Mama would say "Honey, you got yourself in a real pickle." This is a sticky situation for sure!
I think it would be best all around if you don't say anything to anyone but 'her'. Get her to the side and just say "hey, you know, I'm not really a touchy,feely kind of guy and I don't like it when people touch all over me so if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that." DONE. Now, if she continues, you should have a talk with your friend. If it still continues, you should tell your friend you aren't comfortable around his girlfriend and you still want to hang out but only when it's just him. He will get the picture soon enough.
Don't allow another person's problems to become yours. She's making you uncomfortable with your good friend, she's upsetting you and now she's causing you undue stress. Nip it in the bud.
Well my partner hates it too when she does that to me but he's a really sweet guy and he's really tactful. So I'm wondering if it's better if he tells her not to do that but at the same time does that mean she's only going to do it when he's not around. I'm not the kind of person that lets other people deal with in my confrontations but I said I like them girlfriend she's a sweetheart and I really don't want to hurt our feelings but I fear that it's only going to get worse.
I guess I just have to rip the bandage off.
Don't pass the buck. Police your own boundaries. Tell her yourself. Make it clear that you are setting boundaries for yourself, not because of your partner. If this woman's physical intrusions on your person make you uncomfortable for any reason or if you want her to stop touching you for any reason, those reasons are valid and legitimate and deserving of respect, no matter how much of a "sweetheart" you think she might be. Tell her to stop touching you. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Don't make it sound like she only needs to keep her hands to herself if your partner is around. Set your boundaries where you want them and enforce them. If she is a decent person, she will respect your boundaries. If she does not respect your boundaries even after having them explained to her, that will tell you a lot about her. Just tell her to keep her hands to herself. You can say it however you want, but don't sugar-coat it so much that she doesn't understand that you are setting boundaries that need to be respected.
As my Mama would say "Honey, you got yourself in a real pickle." This is a sticky situation for sure!
I think it would be best all around if you don't say anything to anyone but 'her'. Get her to the side and just say "hey, you know, I'm not really a touchy,feely kind of guy and I don't like it when people touch all over me so if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't do that." DONE. Now, if she continues, you should have a talk with your friend. If it still continues, you should tell your friend you aren't comfortable around his girlfriend and you still want to hang out but only when it's just him. He will get the picture soon enough.
Don't allow another person's problems to become yours. She's making you uncomfortable with your good friend, she's upsetting you and now she's causing you undue stress. Nip it in the bud.
You make a really good point I never thought about the effect on my friend.
Don't pass the buck. Police your own boundaries. Tell her yourself. Make it clear that you are setting boundaries for yourself, not because of your partner. If this woman's physical intrusions on your person make you uncomfortable for any reason or if you want her to stop touching you for any reason, those reasons are valid and legitimate and deserving of respect, no matter how much of a "sweetheart" you think she might be. Tell her to stop touching you. Tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Don't make it sound like she only needs to keep her hands to herself if your partner is around. Set your boundaries where you want them and enforce them. If she is a decent person, she will respect your boundaries. If she does not respect your boundaries even after having them explained to her, that will tell you a lot about her. Just tell her to keep her hands to herself. You can say it however you want, but don't sugar-coat it so much that she doesn't understand that you are setting boundaries that need to be respected.
Yeah I suppose I'm a bit naive on this subject. I did not want to put it on my partner I just never heard him mention it until the other night. He seemed a bit pissed off about it. I'm going to talk to him about it when he gets back from his class.
Yeah I suppose I'm a bit naive on this subject. I did not want to put it on my partner I just never heard him mention it until the other night. He seemed a bit pissed off about it. I'm going to talk to him about it when he gets back from his class.
Of course he did. Someone putting her hands on you like that.
I really wouldn't talk to her about it directly. Someone who doesn't know this sort of thing isn't appropriate is bound to take it wrong.
And it will look like the boy attacking the girl. Could negatively affect your relationship with your friend.
When you talk to your partner ask what he thinks should be done. Get his opinion on how you should handle it.
Well I just don't want to cause any friction in the friendship and I know it's going to lead to the defense that I like being touched which is true but from friends I prefer it to be platonic. My partner is the only person I want touching me like that.
This right here. You answered your own question. Simply tell her this in a nice way. The fact that you are touchy feely in other ways and that you like being hugged or whatever has absolutely nothing to do with anything. YOU are uncomfortable with this sort of touching (she's being too familiar and upping a level of intimacy with you) and you need to let her know, one on one, this specific type of interaction makes you uncomfortable.
PS do this privately so you don't run the risk of embarrassing her, people find that hard to forgive.
Just tell her the truth. Tell her you have never had to deal with something like this and had no idea what to do when it first happened and consequently did nothing, so she clearly thought it was all right and kept doing it, but you still didn't know how to handle it or what to say, so you didn't stop her even though it makes you uncomfortable because you just didn't know what to do. You realize it has become even more awkward to tell her to stop it now that it has been allowed to continue, but it has to stop. So, please stop. Thank you.
Just tell her. She may try to argue with you or bargain with you or justify herself by saying that's just how she is and she can't help herself. Tell her she is going to have to find a way to help herself because it is not acceptable and has to stop. You can apologize for not stopping it earlier on, but don't let her shame you or guilt you into letting her ignore your boundaries anymore.
You can be kind, but you don't have to be a doormat. Keep your message consistent and maintain your boundaries.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
