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It's just more of that same meaningless stuff like saying "have a nice day" or "how are you" or "thank you SO much". None of it means anything and it's all incredibly annoying.. Why people can't just say hello or good bye I don't know. (Friends did an episode on it once. )
When people say this to me ("we should get coffee sometime" or whatever), even though I know it is a meaningless comment, I always say right up front, "no thanks I don't want to do that."
I have been part of a language speaking group here in the US for over a year. I see a lot of the same faces and with some of the people, we have gone out for lunch following the meetup. On more than one occasion, some of these people have told me "let's go out for a drink soon" or "I'm going to have you and some other people over to my house very soon".
These things were said months ago and I have yet to get a call or text for drinks or for an event at someone's house. When I invite them, they are always busy. But I see on social media that they are definitely going out with people and having folks over to their house. I guess I'm just not on the top of their friends list.
I have lived in two other countries and this was never a problem there. In Mexico or in the UK, if someone says "let's go for a drink" you can expect that call within a week.
My question is why do some Americans invite someone for drinks or mention having you over to their house if they never actually plan on doing this? I guess they are trying to be nice but it's really hurtful and it would be just better to say "see you next time at the group" rather than lying.
The thing is, at the time they say it, they probably do mean to make it happen ... sometime. But they might be lazy or busy, or maybe the logistics of getting the house ready or any number of other things that have nothing to do with you or anyone else get in the way and make it too difficult to manage with the time or energy they have available. So they put it off. They think they will take care of whatever the obstacle is later, when they have more time or more energy or some other stars align to make it possible. But it never happens for reasons that have nothing to do with you. In their minds, they really want to do this, but it just never happens.
Try not to take it personally. It's probably not because of anything about you; it's just not something they can make happen.
If you would like to get together with them, why not invite them out for a drink instead of waiting for them to invite you? That might be enough of a spur to make them follow through on their own suggestion to reciprocate. If they don't, then that tells you it probably won't happen. Still probably not because of you, though, so enjoy your time with them in the group setting and get on with finding other friends in other settings.
Unfortunately yes. I don't know why but it is something people do.
I live in a town that is infamous for people saying things like that. A lot of people from across the country and around the world move here and are very confused by it. It's even been a topic in the local newspaper.
I've probably been guilty myself. I'm trying to examine what I was thinking when I made empty invitations like that. Hmm, it's sort of like asking someone "how are you?" when you meet. You're not really asking how they really are, it's just considered a polite greeting.
And while not exactly the same, "let's get together soon" is similar. It really indicates there is potential for socializing but we're not actually "there" yet. But maybe we will get there. I've had things like this said to me dozens of times, growing up here. Never bothered me bc I understood it for what it was. A social convention.
I can see where it would be hurtful and confusing to a newcomer, and I'm very sorry OP.
But hang in there and realize this is just a strange custom of the country. Please don't take it personally and recognize it for what it is. These empty invites can actually be opening salvos to real invitations. People who say these things mean they like what they see so far, they just need to get to know you better.
Cheers.
Would you say it's kind of a short-hand for saying "This has been pleasant, and I like you. I would like to get to know you better at some point, but maybe not right now."
Would you say it's kind of a short-hand for saying "This has been pleasant, and I like you. I would like to get to know you better at some point, but maybe not right now."
Many are fake even if you think they are your friend, some will betray you so maybe they are doing you a favor by not socializing with you outside of the club. You sound like too nice a person to be treated that way, they don't deserve your friendship. I had family do that to me, I had some relatives over my house very often when they lived in another county, so when they moved in my neighborhood I expected to be invited to their home very often, but they only invited me once when the first moved in, never got invited again, but they used to talk about all the company they had. I was so disappointed, and I found out they betrayed me about something, now I don't bother with them.
I have been part of a language speaking group here in the US for over a year. I see a lot of the same faces and with some of the people, we have gone out for lunch following the meetup. On more than one occasion, some of these people have told me "let's go out for a drink soon" or "I'm going to have you and some other people over to my house very soon".
These things were said months ago and I have yet to get a call or text for drinks or for an event at someone's house. When I invite them, they are always busy. But I see on social media that they are definitely going out with people and having folks over to their house. I guess I'm just not on the top of their friends list.
I have lived in two other countries and this was never a problem there. In Mexico or in the UK, if someone says "let's go for a drink" you can expect that call within a week.
My question is why do some Americans invite someone for drinks or mention having you over to their house if they never actually plan on doing this? I guess they are trying to be nice but it's really hurtful and it would be just better to say "see you next time at the group" rather than lying.
Let me explain it another way:
-You want to catch a nice fish for dinner.
-You walk to the nearest drainage ditch and catch a discarded boot and a piece of cardboard.
-You complain about your catch.
Hint: Fish somewhere else, one with good fish.
Personally, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out which sorts of clubs or volunteering tends to have people more suited to your desires to make lasting sincere friendships versus others.
I've really enjoyed multi-generation activities, you meet a wide range of people that way, in my case I've liked gaming clubs.
I recently listened to a podcast on Amanda Knox, who was falsely convicted of participating in a murder in Italy.
One of the factors that the Italian police found suspicious when they (also wrongly) suspected her boss was that she had ended their text conversation with "See you later."
In American English, that's a casual way of saying "goodbye" and ending a conversation, but the Italian police took that to mean that she literally was going to meet up with him at a later time that night and wanted to know why.
I found it infuriating and frustrating when I first came to America from the UK. I learned very quickly to just go uh huh and not expect anything to come from it. It isn’t personal ,it’s just one of those weird cultural quirks but trust me after a while you can sift through it and keep trying and find genuine friends who will mean what they say.
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