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I'd love to hear input from the group about their perspective on where the healthy line is between maintaining friendships/acquaintanceships and chasing friendships with people. On the surface it seems pretty cut and dry, if the other person doesn't reciprocate or if it's toxic, you let them go, right? However, over the years I've noticed that friends sometimes get busy with family and other commitments and are scarce for some time, and then the friendships pick up right where they left off some time later. I've also noticed how true friends really do come out of the woodwork if something bad happens and you're in need, which is sometimes surprising because you haven't heard from them in a long time, but there they are.
I'd hate to cut people out of my life because of my own perceptions of their effort. I'm going to refrain from specific examples because I don't want to steer the conversation too much (I want to leave it open for discussion), but there are one or two acquaintances who I am wondering if I should quietly part ways with. My sincere thanks for any input or discussion!
The older I get, the less tolerance I have with friendships and relationships in general.
Lately, I use the three-strike rule. If efforts aren't reciprocated or something just doesn't feel right, I make three attempts or give a person three chances. Three is enough to reveal a pattern and is my cue to move on without further ado. Not wasting my time anymore on people that can't be upfront.
The older I get, the less tolerance I have with friendships and relationships in general.
Lately, I use the three-strike rule. If efforts aren't reciprocated or something just doesn't feel right, I make three attempts or give a person three chances. Three is enough to reveal a pattern and is my cue to move on without further ado. Not wasting my time anymore on people that can't be upfront.
I didn't agree with you on the crazy neighbor thread, but I do agree with you here about tolerance wiht friends changing the older I get.
As I've said before, I give people two or three chances, whether that's me inviting them to things, me contacting them, etc. If they're "busy" when I invite them and never let me know when they're not busy, or if they don't contact me back or seem that excited about hearing from me, I assume they're not interested and let them go. There's really nothing else I can do unless I want to risk becoming a nuisance.
Now, if they're truly busy and truly want to be in contact with me, then surely they'll reach out later when they're not so busy. If they don't, then it's still a sign that the relationship isn't that important to them, so again, letting them go was the right thing to do. (Or, if they're just flaky, then I guess they miss out. Still not my responsibility to manage their social life/social inadequacies for them, or my place to assume what they want/how they feel about me and decide *for* them that they must want me around and thus we *are* going to be in contact. If someone indicates, either by their words or actions, that they're not interested in a relationship, then I take them at face value and respect their wishes. It'll be too bad if it's a case of "we're both ships passing in the night because neither wants to reach out too much" but still preferable to "the phone rings and they see it's me and cringe.")
Do I miss some people I used to be friends with and no longer hear from? Sure. But hounding them when they're not interested isn't going to fix anything.
I’ve never chased friendships in my life. Either friends reciprocate or they don’t, and if they don’t then I leave it be. I also recognize they have busy lives too with pressures and family/work commitments. If they get back to me great, if they don’t , oh well, I let go.
I might drop a line now and again and say hi. Hope all is well but that’s about it.
I’ve never chased friendships in my life. Either friends reciprocate or they don’t, and if they don’t then I leave it be. I also recognize they have busy lives too with pressures and family/work commitments. If they get back to me great, if they don’t , oh well, I let go.
I might drop a line now and again and say hi. Hope all is well but that’s about it.
Agree, I'm very easy going and don't put expectations on friends or even family or do anything special to maintain them. I'm just as busy as they are. When we can get together or chat on the phone, that's great. If we meet up after 20 years, that's awesome.
Next month I'm getting together with girlfriends from elementary school. We're 65. We will have a blast and no one will be concerned about how the friendships were maintained or who emailed back who, etc.
Part of what makes this difficult is that your "threshold" with one person may be quite different than that with another, as well as how individual your role in the relationship with each of those people can be.
I recognize that my need for contact is probably a bit higher than my friends' is. I tend to be the one to initiate contact before they do. A big part of the reason is lack of family and distance... I live alone in a relatively small remote town and in most respects am perfectly happy with that. However, that also means I have to pursue others more actively if I want to engage with anyone socially. Can't just go down to some local coffee shop to have a conversation with an existing social circle.
I have to acknowledge this need and take care not to overtax my friendships. What seems to be a good sign is that when I do initiate, the friend usually seems to welcome it and we end up having a lively interactive visit. They don't dodge or blow off my attempts so I must not be too odious! I am always careful to reciprocate in other ways; acknowledging and returning cards, gifts, invitations, etc. and take advantage of opportunities to give small surprises. It's basic care and feeding of the people who matter to you IMHO. OK, some friends have drifted off over the years and that's OK. I wouldn't describe myself as a social giant but I'm not a complete dufus either. I can sense when interest is waning. Can't recall ever parting on bad terms with any friend, with one notable exception. Unless they were exceptionally skilled at hiding their true feelings .
Last edited by Parnassia; 08-18-2023 at 06:23 PM..
I'd love to hear input from the group about their perspective on where the healthy line is between maintaining friendships/acquaintanceships and chasing friendships with people. On the surface it seems pretty cut and dry, if the other person doesn't reciprocate or if it's toxic, you let them go, right? However, over the years I've noticed that friends sometimes get busy with family and other commitments and are scarce for some time, and then the friendships pick up right where they left off some time later. I've also noticed how true friends really do come out of the woodwork if something bad happens and you're in need, which is sometimes surprising because you haven't heard from them in a long time, but there they are.
I'd hate to cut people out of my life because of my own perceptions of their effort. I'm going to refrain from specific examples because I don't want to steer the conversation too much (I want to leave it open for discussion), but there are one or two acquaintances who I am wondering if I should quietly part ways with. My sincere thanks for any input or discussion!
Interesting post.
I have a very good friend, now my closest, whom I met at work forty years ago. However, there were periods of our lives where we didn't have much contact, as we were going in different directions. At one time, while married to someone with addictions, I remember her telling me she and her husband and two other couples were all leaving the next day on a cruise to the Caribbean. Meanwhile, I had a date in landlord-tenant court the next day to try to keep from being evicted because my husband owed the rent money to bookies.
Years passed, and we were both divorced, but when my kid was at college, she still had hers at home, and we didn't always have much in common. Now, later in life, we are very much involved in each others' lives.
One thing I have to say about her is that in the past she did show up whenever there was a crisis. She might forget we had lunch plans, but when my workplace was destroyed in a terrorist attack, when the house I was renting burned down, when my father died, when I got a restraining order against my husband and had to have him removed by the police, she was always there.
I have another friend who always made "plans" with me and then cancelled them at the last minute. Over and over again. I finally stopped responding to her, thinking she was someone I should just drop. Time passed, and now she is back in contact with me, saying "let's get together after I come back from Ireland" or "when the job slows down a bit" or "after summer is over" but I don't take it seriously anymore because I know she doesn't actually mean it. I just sort of laugh to myself and I don't respond. I think it's a habit with her.
My family is the kind of people whose efforts are embedded in the work they do so they are the ones who will probably come out of the woodwork to help in times of greatest need which is usually when we make our needs very obvious.
They are thoughtless in their words and behavior such as not making time on a daily or weekly basis and can be rude, so they make up for it by doing work, work that really shouldn't be neglected anyway, and so it makes it feel insincere. They expect forgiveness. They expect respect. They expect closeness when they are available, but they will never ask for these things explicitly. And as a result, they will continue this uncoordinated dance of work effort that never leads to the appreciation they want.
In situations where you feel communication is poor and effort is low, my advice would be to be explicit about what you want, and be observant of how you can be of service. Have enough pride to speak up when you feel your efforts are not being appreciated and to stop doing whatever it is you are doing.
I've got really good friends I haven't spoken to in years. It's no big deal. I really don't go for the assumption that friends have to be patting each other's hands periodically to still be friends. There are times I ache to see or hear from a particular friend but it goes away because I know when we meet again it will be like we saw each other only last week. I don't keep score of my relationships with my friends. If I did, I wouldn't feel they were friends in the first place. To me, friendships are dynamic and move up and down a ladder of interaction based on where we both are in our lives but this doesn't change the affection I have for someone.
I think there is definitely a line where one crosses over into being a pest. I've been that pest before and looking back I just shake my head in regret because I'm a solitary person and can't believe I was being clingy. Fortunately, I was over that by the time I was in my early 30's.
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