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My younger sister is seeing a guy. He has a baby mom, who he still lives with and he tells my sister that he’s gonna move out and get his own place but he says he knows if he does that his baby mom won’t let him see his kids. She works with the guy and he has sort of triangulated her into some mess with another woman. Who I believe he messed with prior to meeting my sister but he has told her the girl is just delusional and jealous of her. The girl has been texting him saying she was gonna beat up my sister and the guy showed my sister the text, which I thought was messy. I listen and let her tell me about the guy but I can’t help but to make certain facial expressions that disapprove of the guy as she tells me these things because I see them as red flags but my red flags may not be hers but even so, any sane person would see a guy like that as trouble. Every date he’s planned, he canceled the last excuse was that he had recently got into it with his baby moms and didn’t want to be bothered. The other excuse was that his son was sick. One excuse was that he slept in too late. She feels I’m just being negative and judge mental. Mind you, I have a one year old by a guy who was physically abusive, more than likely would have abused my son had I stayed with him. I went back to him for years. I believed that no one could judge him and have an opinion on him because they didn’t “know” him like I did. That they couldn’t “Judge” me either because it was my relationship when they were never judging but only seeing what I allowed myself to be blinded too. That’s how I’m seeing this situation with my sister. Without the abuse. She has made herself believe that whatever red flags it could be, that it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t “care” because he isn’t “her man” and she isn’t dating him yet she calls him her man and talks about him 24/7. She asked for my opinion and then blew up at me and called me judge-mental.
There's a difference between asking someone for an opinion and asking for advice. What is your sister actually asking you for? I think you need to be honest with yourself about this. Your own experience certainly will influence your opinion of this guy but despite that a trail of wreckage and drama does seem to come along with him.
Does this sister heed advice you give her about other stuff or does she go right ahead with what she wants despite getting it? She's probably going to believe what she wants to believe and do what she usually does.
As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.
Last edited by Parnassia; 12-19-2023 at 05:15 PM..
What was it that clicked in your brain to finally get you to leave your abusive boyfriend? Most likely, that's what'll have to happen with your sister to get her to understand what a loser this guy seems to be. Until then, it sounds like she's going to have to learn her lessons the hard way -- which, if I'm reading what you wrote correctly, is how you had to learn them as well.
My younger sister is seeing a guy. He has a baby mom, who he still lives with and he tells my sister that he’s gonna move out and get his own place but he says he knows if he does that his baby mom won’t let him see his kids. She works with the guy and he has sort of triangulated her into some mess with another woman. Who I believe he messed with prior to meeting my sister but he has told her the girl is just delusional and jealous of her. The girl has been texting him saying she was gonna beat up my sister and the guy showed my sister the text, which I thought was messy. I listen and let her tell me about the guy but I can’t help but to make certain facial expressions that disapprove of the guy as she tells me these things because I see them as red flags but my red flags may not be hers but even so, any sane person would see a guy like that as trouble. Every date he’s planned, he canceled the last excuse was that he had recently got into it with his baby moms and didn’t want to be bothered. The other excuse was that his son was sick. One excuse was that he slept in too late. She feels I’m just being negative and judge mental. Mind you, I have a one year old by a guy who was physically abusive, more than likely would have abused my son had I stayed with him. I went back to him for years. I believed that no one could judge him and have an opinion on him because they didn’t “know” him like I did. That they couldn’t “Judge” me either because it was my relationship when they were never judging but only seeing what I allowed myself to be blinded too. That’s how I’m seeing this situation with my sister. Without the abuse. She has made herself believe that whatever red flags it could be, that it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t “care” because he isn’t “her man” and she isn’t dating him yet she calls him her man and talks about him 24/7. She asked for my opinion and then blew up at me and called me judge-mental.
It sounds like you learned the hard way and finally decided to do what is best for you and your son. I am amazed that there are still women who will put up with this kind of thing from controlling, narcissistic, liars like your ex and your sister's "boyfriend". It is obvious he is using her but she is the one that has to figure it out. You can be there, make suggestions and support her when she finally gets it.
My ex's oldest sister did what you describe you did, but her husband was beating her sensless, put her in the hospital many times and she still would not leave him. They had 5 kids together, the oldest was taken away by Virginia CPS (Virginia is the most strict when it comes to child support and children safety). As messed up as my ex's family was they all saw what was going on and tried to talk her out of it, but in my opinion she was crazy enough to think she had no way out. She even stayed with us for a week after getting out of the hospital when their second child was an infant and the first was in a foster home. But she is the one who called him to come pick her up. They moved from state to state to avoid CPS taking any more of their children, and to avoid him going to jail for good.
I hope your sister gets a wake up call soon and that you are there for her when she needs you.
I am amazed that there are still women who will put up with this kind of thing from controlling, narcissistic, liars like your ex and your sister's "boyfriend".
I've been saying this for years - it's high time we start teaching young women that having a man should be the very last thing on their life's priority list. Get your life into order - education, career, and then DON'T give any of that away for anyone. Don't give anyone access to the assets you build up, financial or otherwise.
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