Putting an end to the family madness, at my wits end (jealous, boyfriend)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have cut a sibling out of my life for some huge violations. There are 4 of us. 3 of us have had it with her, but they tolerate her while I want nothing to do with her. My mother seems to have gone the route of defending her no matter what she does, to the point of lying for her. There is a reason for this; my mother was the one who created that monster through years of abuse. This is mom's way of making up for it.
What she doesn't get is that this doesn't just affect the rest of us, it also affects our kids - her grandchildren. It also enables the bowel movement she mistook for a daughter to continue, it emboldens her. I forgave her the first betrayal and it was a doozy. This time, she did everything in her power to come in between me and my son - to the point of trying to turn him against me. I put her on the express bus to hell from there. There won't be a third time.
I have to pray, on a regular basis, to not give in to hating her. It is because I love her that I am so hurt and blown away by her manipulations and betrayals that going dark on her would be easy. But I refuse to be that person, so I continue moving in the direction of healing and proceed with the future of having one sister instead of two.
I also have to pray for the strength to keep from going off on my mom when she jumps to her defense. Common sense would tell her that 3 siblings have had it with her for a reason. But no, mom knows none of it is true. She was there (when she wasn't), heard the converstions (when she didn't), said certain things were not happening (when they were)....you get my drift. I love my mother, she is much different now than she was raising us. But this is still very heavy and I'm not sure I can do this much longer. I love mom, but I am not willing to allow her to give this interloper any access into my personal space. If she is going to go though other family members, they need to see it for what it is and put an end to it or I'll have to. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I do know I have had enough. I want her gone.
I have cut a sibling out of my life for some huge violations. There are 4 of us. 3 of us have had it with her, but they tolerate her while I want nothing to do with her. My mother seems to have gone the route of defending her no matter what she does, to the point of lying for her. There is a reason for this; my mother was the one who created that monster through years of abuse. This is mom's way of making up for it.
What she doesn't get is that this doesn't just affect the rest of us, it also affects our kids - her grandchildren. It also enables the bowel movement she mistook for a daughter to continue, it emboldens her. I forgave her the first betrayal and it was a doozy. This time, she did everything in her power to come in between me and my son - to the point of trying to turn him against me. I put her on the express bus to hell from there. There won't be a third time.
I have to pray, on a regular basis, to not give in to hating her. It is because I love her that I am so hurt and blown away by her manipulations and betrayals that going dark on her would be easy. But I refuse to be that person, so I continue moving in the direction of healing and proceed with the future of having one sister instead of two.
I also have to pray for the strength to keep from going off on my mom when she jumps to her defense. Common sense would tell her that 3 siblings have had it with her for a reason. But no, mom knows none of it is true. She was there (when she wasn't), heard the converstions (when she didn't), said certain things were not happening (when they were)....you get my drift. I love my mother, she is much different now than she was raising us. But this is still very heavy and I'm not sure I can do this much longer. I love mom, but I am not willing to allow her to give this interloper any access into my personal space. If she is going to go though other family members, they need to see it for what it is and put an end to it or I'll have to. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I do know I have had enough. I want her gone.
Thoughts?
Your sister sounds like a sociopath, among other things. You did what you had to do to protect yourself. Your mom is blinded by her own issues and will most likely never see things from your point of view. You just have to rise above it all. Tell your mother this is your line in the sand - she is not to bring your sisters name into any conversation with you from now on. When she does, because she will try to, you must cut her off cold - either stand up and walk away or hang up the phone. We really do teach people how to treat us and it's time for you to retrain your mother Best of luck with this difficult situation.
Wow. I can relate. I'm having some huge issues with my sister as well. She has always had problems with people. But all my life I tried standing by her side through thick and thin. She always knew that she could count on me. Even when my Dad turned his back on her, I was there to give her moral support. And even though she wasn't always there to help me out or support me when I needed help, I never let her down. If she would call me every day on the phone and want to talk for hours about her MIL, boyfriend, neighbor, etc, all whom she constantly had problems with, I would answer the phone and give her my time which I could of been using to do something enjoyable instead of listening to her bi**h about everything and everyone. But thats what sisters do, listen to each other and give each other support. At least thats what I did.
Whereas she never was there for me. Now suddenly, ever since I stopped taking care of her kids cus she can take care of them herself cus she's at home all day cus she doesn't have a job, she has decided that I am no longer any use to her. It all started with a simple argument, then she accused me of being nasty to her and calling her names I did not call her. She went on a journey to try to make her kids and boyfriend and who knows who else think that I am no good. She has been making up stuff about me ever since then. Now, whatever she tells her boyfriend doesn't even matter. But she knows I love the kids and she has told me that they don't need an aunt . So, her payback for me not watching the kids for her, is that she is not going to let me see them again. Well thats her choice, but I think she is crazy. I do love those kids cus I been there since they were born, from the first day, but I guess I have to let them go. All this is very surprising to me, because I can see now what I never saw all these years of knowing her. That she is a manipulative, crazy, psycho, bi**h . I can't watch her kids cus I have my own life and am not going to be taking care of them for free when she can do it herself. But she is incredibly selfish and only thinks of herself, to the point of betraying her own family.
I have come to grips with the situation and realized that she just doesn't care about anybody but herself. And to top it off, I think she is jealous of me for having more materially than her right now. I don't have much, but she is going through a very rough time right now and is practically homeless, but my mom lets her stay with her and dad. I am trying to stay away from her as much as possible, because I know her situation and every time she sees me she starts cussing me out like she's on crack. I don't need that kind of behaviour in my family. And all she talks about is how I have stuff that she thinks I don't deserve, and wants my parents to think less of me by calling me all kinds of names, because in her perspective, my parents think well of me, and I don't deserve that. So she already betrayed some secrets I told her, just to make me look bad . But of course, she has added her own twist. She is flaming with fury that she has nothing, and I am not in her situation. But she is in the situation she is in by her own making, since her boyfriend and father of her kids has always been a drunk and she picked him knowing this was the case. Now she wants to blame the entire world for her misfortune and drag everyone down to her level of misery.
So even though she is the one that has decided to write me out of her life for good, I think that with her attitude, if she didn't do it, then i would of. I still love her as she is my family, but I am not a fool, and I will not pay for her mistakes. I warned her that if she chooses to get agrressive, I will defend myself or throw her butt in jail. She has been warned that her agressive behaviour will land her in real trouble, not just a family conflict. I'm dealing with her as an adult, I don't need the drama she wishes to impose on me. The children are hers, and if she is that petty, then there's nothing I can do about it. I will just have to adopt new ones, lol.(sorry about the joke, but the whole thing is so stupid, I just need to laugh a little.)
That was my Mom/family too. Almost drove me over the hill. Decades later, Mom still defended my sister and acted like she never did ANYTHING wrong. She did say why she did it though. My sister needed help.
Mom paid a huge price. She developed stress induced glaucoma, became depressed and was eventually hospitalized in the place with the rubber rooms. Mom was never the same. Mom also gave up the last shred of her marriage over this debacle too.
I don't know how it happened but my sister turned out OK in the end. I have no idea what changed her but today she is quasi-normal and gets along in the world.
PassTheChocolate, sorry you are going through this but wow! This is exactly why I'm SO glad to be an only child. I have been involved in families like this where there seems to be that one black sheep, the mother defends to no end and everyone eise is pulling out their hair about the whole situation. It's frustrating but you have not only yourself but your child (ren) to worry about and for that reason alone, you have to do whatever you need to to keep the toxicity away.
PTC, I feel for you. These kinds of feuds are the hardest, I think. How do you avoid your own family? My husband has a sister who hasn't spoken to their parents in years. She talks to us and visits us, but she doesn't ever mention my in-laws. She doesn't react or respond if their names are mentioned. They just don't exist, I guess. That's my only suggestion ... if your mom or siblings start talking about her, just say calmly, "I don't want to talk about her." Just keep shutting that door. Your mom might get upset, but you can say, "The whole situation is very difficult for everyone, I know, but I don't want to talk about her." Don't get mad. Don't rehash anything. Just deflect it and change the subject.
I can understand your frustration. Trying to get your mom to take your side in the situation will be fruitless though. I know that you just want mom to understand what you and your other siblings already know, but she's your mom's daughter and parents are very forgiving. You could try this. Since I get the feeling that you don't see much of your sister unless it's a family gathering, at the next one, bring a small squirt gun. When you see your sister, give her one verbal warning when she crosses a line you set (could be as small as looking at you wrong). After that? Spray her. It's passive aggressive but eventually you both will reach a truce where you stay away from each others personal space, or any contact is civil. Good luck to you Choc.
I think asking a parent to take sides in an argument that involves 2 of thier kids is not the way to go. No matter what kind of a parent they were in the past, they are still a parent. Better to work it out with your sibling yourself and never mind what the parent does or doesnt do. The parent is in a no win situation. I remember a time when my 2 oldest daughters were teens and did nothing but argue. I got fed up with it! So one day i stopped the argument, took them both by the hand and led them to the backyard and told them to fight it out. No matter what the outcome of this fight is, this bickering IS OVER!!!!!!!!! Not an easy thing to watch but no more fighting once it was done! Okay. I'm ready for all the "what a terrible parent" crap.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Best of luck with this difficult situation.
Okay. I'm ready for all the "what a terrible parent" crap.
