Friend Being Selfish? You decide. (wife, person, member, roommate)

[josephbelt01]

A close friend I've had for about 13 years has been staying at my home for the past few years. Background story is, I bought a 4 bedroom house 5 years ago and shortly after my friend had a "falling out" with his parents. He asked to move in to a spare bedroom at my house and being a long-time friend I agreed. He contributed $400 torwards the bills without issue, but did not take part in any housework inside or out. He moved out after about 2 years to rent his own apartment, but after several months had complaints about his neighbors being too loud and decided to move into one of my spare bedrooms again. He's been here now for almost 2 years and now contributes $475 towards the bills, but still takes no part in any housework inside or out. The issue is I am newly married and he is having trivial disputes with my wife. He is self employeed and chooses to stay up all night playing videogames (his way of multi-taking while remotely fixing computers which is his source of income), so that puts him on a unique schedule. Being up at night is a personal choice and not required for him to earn his money - he's always been this way. Some recent disputes are things like not wanting to put a cup in the dishwasher because my wife "told" him to do it - he would do it when he felt like it. Also, she cleans the entire house once a week and he does not want her to run the vacuum before 12 because he's sleeping. Most recently, she began an English class (she's from Ukraine) a few weeks ago from 11-1pm. It's only about 5 miles away, but with traffic takes about 15-20 minutes to drive there. She speaks decent English, but not enough to fully take the drivers exam yet. My friend has been kind enough to take her to the class during the past 3 weeks since he's home, but is now saying he doesn't want to anymore because it's not his responsibility. He says he prefers to be up at night and sleep during the day, so the 30-40 minute round trip twice a week is too much and I should do it myself since I'm her husband. Since I work during the day, she would have to sign-up for the night class and I'll have to take her after work. Personally, I look at the whole picture and see him as being very lazy and selfish. I asked since he is a friend could he adjust his schedule and do it as a favor since she enjoys her class. He explained doing this is would be much more than a favor and he cannot help me. Yes, he contribues money towards the bills, but almost never takes any part in helping to clean or maintain where we live. Renting a 1 bedroom apartment for himself with utilities would be double what he's contributing to live with me, plus he'd have to do his own housework. His life essencially consists of sleeping during the day, playing videogames (and working remotely) at night, and coming out of his room every so often to eat. His lifestyle choice really shouldn't be any of my concern, but am I wrong to think since he's there it wouldn't kill him to lend a hand? Should I think of him as a day-sleeping "tenant"? Thoughts?

[TechieTransplant]

What does this have to do with the a discussion group on the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania?

[lialleycat]

Have you discussed with this PA friend of yours that in your PA house you'd like him to either kick in like a roommate, with housekeeping chores (one of which could be driving your wife to her lessons) or kick in more money - as much as he'd be paying a stranger locally for the same accomodations, which you could then use to give your wife so she may hire a cab to take her to her classes and perhaps hire a housekeeper to help with the housework as well, if you so desire.

Also, you don't say if you're also feeding this roommate and cleaning his room - but I hope not!

It's a sweet deal for your friend, he's paying less than he would elsewhere, has you and your wife to clean up after him and just does what he wants. It's almost like you have a teenage son living with you instead of a friend! If you don't make your needs and wants known in no uncertain terms, then this friend will continue as he has for the past few years. And why not, there's nothing to make him want to move out and get a life of his own.

It's your house, and you make the rules - not your friend. If he doesn't like the rules, he's free to find someone else. And if that means you lose the friendship, maybe the friendship wasn't as good as you thought anyway. Friends shouldn't make you feel bad all the time and take advantage of your good nature.

[Hopes]

I moved into my husband's house when he had a lifelong friend living there for over 15 years. You need to tell your friend that you now have a family and he needs to accept that he is part of that family if he choses to live there. Tell him that there are responsibilities that go with being a part of your family----like driving your wife and helping with housework. If he doesn't want the responsibility of being part of your family, tell him it's time for him to find his own place to live.

This current living arrangement can be a great life. Some might think it's strange, but our life was very enjoyable when we had three adults living in one household. All of the chores were fairly effortless when divided among three people. The finances were wonderful---we always had money for anything we wanted. But you need to have clear expectations and good communication. Every member of the household needs to want this arrangement. Every member needs to understand their individual responsibilities clearly defined and agreed upon by the group. And everyone needs to honor those responsibilities.

Otherwise, it can't work and the friend needs to move.

[fatmancomics]

Wow, you guys are really kind so far. I would've told him he needed to move the moment I got engaged.

[toobusytoday]

To clear up any confusion to new readers, this post was moved from the Pennsylvania forum to here...

[DBCC]

I hardly find this a sensible situation.

You are married, have a great wife who, not only is your wife and should have the same authority you do in your own house, who also needs to have some collaboration/respect from your boarder.

It would seem you also have some personal issues with authority that hold you back from laying down the law under your own roof. This leech is playing you, your friendship, toying with your relationship with your wife, - and will make things worse if you don't reign him in soon.

Ask him to leave. Kick his comfortable a$$ out if you have to. He is just taking advantage of your friendship, antagonizing your wife (because he thinks he has the rule of the roost and may have had this advantage before your wife moved in.....) and just being frikkin' difficult.

You don't need him. He needs YOU and his indiscriminate lack of respect for all you have done for him shows.

You can get someone else to pay you more, be more respectful of shared duties, responsibilities, and more collaborative from the word go by laying down the rules.

If he is a true friend, he will respect (both of) your desire for him to move on and make his own life. And still remain to be a friend.

If he takes it the wrong way and gets uppity, he was never a friend and was just taking advantage of your friendship.

Both you and your wife deserve to be able to live according to the way you both want to live, under your roof, with the rules, collaboration, understanding, respect and harmony.

[MMichelle]

I think it's odd that you'd allow him to continue to live with you since you have married. Friend or not, I would not be comfortable with that. However, that's beside the point ........

If his lifestyle and yours it's time to ask him to move on.

[josephbelt01]

Thanks for the input everyone. The fact that everyone seems to feel the same way about the situation really says a lot. It's really not about the money or housework, but my wife just arrived in the US last month and is very dependent on others right now. Her twice a week English lessons are 5 miles away and with traffic takes about 20 minutes each way at most. He can't help because it's "more than a favor", not his responsibility and isn't compatible with his schedule since he stays up all night on the computer. I think that's cheap and needed confirmation from the "internet community" since that's where he spends most of his time. It means more coming from you than me. Thanks everyone.

[Ticatica]

I think you should privately work on why you would let this guy take advantage of you. You don't have to be a doormat to keep friends. Good luck getting him out.