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Old 04-02-2010, 06:20 AM
 
Location: Sunset Mountain
1,385 posts, read 2,940,062 times
Reputation: 1391

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My friend who has been a friend for over 10 years just got married 5 years ago. She called last night to say he passed away. I have absolutely no idea how to handle it or even what to say.

She's 33, he was 41. He was in the hospital with pneumonia, and his fever broke so she went home to shower.

Before she even got out to get dressed, he had suffered a blood clot to the brain and passed away.

We're all so devastated. She was in our wedding 8 years ago, we were in hers only 5. She was our roommate when she began dating him, and since they have built a life and home together, we had moved up to NH while they resided in Texas so we didn't see or hear from them much over the last 4 years.

I've always been strong for Sarah, even stayed 2 extra weeks during my own wedding anniversary to house sit for her so she could have her dream honey moon (her house and pet sitter canceled the night before her wedding).

This girl was dealt a crappy hand from the start. She had a tough childhood, even tougher teen years, and she had never dated or ever fallen in love until Baron began asking her out for drinks.

I still remember the morning she called me at my job to ask, "What the Hell do I do? I've never dated!" I had to coach her on what to say and what to wear for their first date, but I remember telling her "just be yourself, he obviously likes you for who you are just that."

She was supposed to have this awesome long life together with this man. He made really good money learning computer programming on his own once he took a job and it just clicked. They built a gorgeous house, and rescue animals.

What is she going to do? OMG.....i'm still in shock.

There is this fragility and frailness about her that she has always had just enough strength to get on with her life through all the crap life has thrown at her....this is just a big blow that I don't even think I could walk myself through if it had happened to me.

If you have lost a close partner, your companion, if you are or were a widow, what did you need from your friends? What did you need to hear, what did you need to do during that time?

Direct me. I leave on a plane with my husband in 3 hours and I am just at a loss this time.

This is bigger than I had ever planned to survive through...and I am not finding the words.

Katla
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Old 04-02-2010, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Way up high
17,351 posts, read 23,116,249 times
Reputation: 20656
OMG!! I'm sooo sorry for your friend. What I would personally do is just be there for her whenever she needs to vent, cry, talk, whatever. If you can stick around for sometime, take care of chores around house, cook for her, etc. Anything that will help her next several days go as smooth as possible.
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Old 04-02-2010, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 82,072,936 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by himain View Post
OMG!! I'm sooo sorry for your friend. What I would personally do is just be there for her whenever she needs to vent, cry, talk, whatever. If you can stick around for sometime, take care of chores around house, cook for her, etc. Anything that will help her next several days go as smooth as possible.
I think that's good advice. There isn't much more one can do...
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Old 04-02-2010, 09:04 AM
 
Location: Sunset Mountain
1,385 posts, read 2,940,062 times
Reputation: 1391
The last time we saw her was at her wedding And that's kinda what role I naturally jumped into. I cooked, cleaned, and did all the pre wedding prep as she took care of her family and friends that came pouring in.

I'll just take care of her like I always did, I just wish and hope the words come. I know she's going to look at me with those big brown eyes and I'll loose it. I want to be strong for her!

God this is so hard, I can't remember a time in my life where I just stood there with mouth gaping open like, "what do I do? What should I do?"
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Old 04-02-2010, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Tucson
42,835 posts, read 82,072,936 times
Reputation: 22814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katlakat View Post
The last time we saw her was at her wedding And that's kinda what role I naturally jumped into. I cooked, cleaned, and did all the pre wedding prep as she took care of her family and friends that came pouring in.

I'll just take care of her like I always did, I just wish and hope the words come. I know she's going to look at me with those big brown eyes and I'll loose it. I want to be strong for her!

God this is so hard, I can't remember a time in my life where I just stood there with mouth gaping open like, "what do I do? What should I do?"
To tell you the truth, when I was in such a situation personally, all I wanted was to be left alone... People are different. Look for clues or just ask an honest question. I wasn't comfortable telling people I don't want them, but I deeply resented their presence and these first few days impaired my grieving process tremendously.
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Old 04-02-2010, 09:54 AM
 
59,211 posts, read 46,307,358 times
Reputation: 36733
You know your friend so support her.

Personally, she will get lots of support and attention right away....she might actually need you more in a month or two when she's coming home to an empty house etc.

I feel awful for her, do they have kids?
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:21 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,453 posts, read 16,127,608 times
Reputation: 15926
Just remember that there are no words to comfort. There is nothing you can say to take away her pain. Allow her the freedom to experience her pain in whatever way she wants - it may be talking about him non-stop, being mad at him, being mad at the world, being alone, not being alone. Let her set the pace and you hold the background, be her back-up. It sounds like your love for your friend will allow yo to do just what she needs.

My condolences.
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:45 AM
 
5,879 posts, read 8,389,641 times
Reputation: 2753
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katlakat View Post
My friend who has been a friend for over 10 years just got married 5 years ago. She called last night to say he passed away. I have absolutely no idea how to handle it or even what to say.

She's 33, he was 41. He was in the hospital with pneumonia, and his fever broke so she went home to shower.

Before she even got out to get dressed, he had suffered a blood clot to the brain and passed away.

We're all so devastated. She was in our wedding 8 years ago, we were in hers only 5. She was our roommate when she began dating him, and since they have built a life and home together, we had moved up to NH while they resided in Texas so we didn't see or hear from them much over the last 4 years.

I've always been strong for Sarah, even stayed 2 extra weeks during my own wedding anniversary to house sit for her so she could have her dream honey moon (her house and pet sitter canceled the night before her wedding).

This girl was dealt a crappy hand from the start. She had a tough childhood, even tougher teen years, and she had never dated or ever fallen in love until Baron began asking her out for drinks.

I still remember the morning she called me at my job to ask, "What the Hell do I do? I've never dated!" I had to coach her on what to say and what to wear for their first date, but I remember telling her "just be yourself, he obviously likes you for who you are just that."

She was supposed to have this awesome long life together with this man. He made really good money learning computer programming on his own once he took a job and it just clicked. They built a gorgeous house, and rescue animals.

What is she going to do? OMG.....i'm still in shock.

There is this fragility and frailness about her that she has always had just enough strength to get on with her life through all the crap life has thrown at her....this is just a big blow that I don't even think I could walk myself through if it had happened to me.

If you have lost a close partner, your companion, if you are or were a widow, what did you need from your friends? What did you need to hear, what did you need to do during that time?

Direct me. I leave on a plane with my husband in 3 hours and I am just at a loss this time.

This is bigger than I had ever planned to survive through...and I am not finding the words.

Katla
I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm still dealing with the loss of my dad's BF and mine. He was like a second dad to me and they were friends since the first grade. I have known him my whole life. We just take one day at a time.
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:45 AM
 
9,410 posts, read 12,450,275 times
Reputation: 20251
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mathguy View Post
You know your friend so support her.

Personally, she will get lots of support and attention right away....she might actually need you more in a month or two when she's coming home to an empty house etc.

I feel awful for her, do they have kids?
I agree with Mathguy. People get all kinds of support in the early weeks. Six months later they expect you have 'gotten over it'. Just do what you feel is right for the moment and don't forget a few months down the track she will still be grieving and may want to share.

I am sorry for her loss, it's always sad when someone who is very loved dies.
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Old 04-02-2010, 12:07 PM
 
Location: Way up high
17,351 posts, read 23,116,249 times
Reputation: 20656
I totally agree with what everyone is saying..Keep supporting here in the long haul..She may never really get over it
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