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Old 04-17-2010, 08:00 AM
 
Location: Marshall-Shadeland, Pittsburgh, PA
31,285 posts, read 69,865,305 times
Reputation: 16942

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Well, let's just say after working so hard over the past month to rebuild a life wraught by severe depression last night I just had a horrible relapse and spent much of the evening in tears. Some of you may remember my complicated romantic situation from around the new year. For those of you who do not, here is a brief synopsis:

I moved to Virginia in May 2009. During that summer I met a guy whom we each initially only viewed each other as a fling; however, from chatting afterwards we each got the sense that there may have been something more to each of us, and we continued to see each other. I took this individual out for a day in the city, out for a country drive, out for breakfast, and did everything in my power to make him feel appreciated. Eventually I sensed he was becoming disinterested, and since he also vented to me about still questioning his own sexuality I decided to give him some space and give me a call or send me a text if and when he would have liked to have seen me again. That never happened, so I just cut my losses and moved on.

Last Fall a colleague of mine introduced me to another co-worker, whom I was instantly attracted to but thought was "straight" at the time. Over time this co-worker started to single ME out to make plans with, to chat with at work, to text after work, etc., etc., and I did think it was a bit peculiar for a "straight" guy to have been taking such a keen interest in a gay guy. We bonded like brothers over the course of November and December---sitting and connecting on each other's couches in the dark while watching TV or movies, going shopping together, doing dinner together, and he even sent me a sexually suggestive text one day and brought me favorite wine on another evening. Anyone with half a brain could have and would have likely assumed he was "interested" in me and was flirting with me, as I was with him. Finally I became brave in early January and asked if he'd like to be more than friends. His response was "flattered but not interested", and after some back-and-forth texting he let me leave the messy situation thinking he was straight.

As I was a bit hurt by this "summer boy" comes back into the picture and pretends to be there to help take my mind off of what ails me. To make a long story short let's just say his only intention in seeing me was to get the opportunity to make an in-road with my co-worker, whose number he bluntly asked for in front of me one evening at a restaurant just a week after I was still reeling in pain from the rejection and from thinking of how dumb I was for falling for a straight guy. "Summer boy" was intrigued by how much I had up-talked my co-worker, so naturally he was interested. I saw them flirting via Facebook, and then it all came boiling over at a party where I had to see them sharing an intimate moment with my own two eyes.

Flash-forwarding over the next couple of months I fell into a severe depression, as feeling like chopped liver only aggravated my pre-existing low self-esteem and drove me to a suicide attempt. I reached out for help and received it; however, obviously I still haven't fully healed. As I was at my worst with my ailments my friends weren't there for me. They viewed me as being a buzzkill, drama queen, attention wh*re, etc. and put up distance between me and them while simultaneously bonding and growing closer to the happy newly-betrothed. Many thought I was just being jealous or petty, not fully realizing how misled and used I was by both of them and by how much pain I was truly in.

Last night I organized an evening out for 10 friends, including myself and this couple, trying to show that there were no hard feelings. We sat at opposite ends of the table (this was "understood" to be essential), and we didn't make eye contact or say one word to one another all night. Unfortunately their end of the table was the "happening" end, and everyone around me literally got up and huddled around them, fawning over them like they had just returned from Iraq or something. For over two hours I was generally ignored while the "hoppin" end of the table had great fun. I was left to pretend I was texting other people so I didn't look like a complete loser.

During that evening a friend of mine whom others had regarded as the "black sheep" because they allowed another friend to sour them on her without letting her get her side of the story in was once again being trash-talked, so as I left that evening in a huff I texted her and told her that her suspicions of people being turned against her were correct. I figured that if someone were mistreating me behind my back I'd WANT the opportunity to speak up and defend my honor. With how "neglected" I felt by those people last night I didn't care at all if they were then faced with unpleasantness when their words caught up to them.

Now where do things stand? It's apparent the "couple" was and always will be the "favorite." I've always been the one to crane my neck out for others in need, serve as a designated driver, buy people gifts, and try to make people smile. In the end I'm just not good enough though. I'm not attractive; they are. I'm still being judged for my depression---instead of trying to help me through that people bad-talked me for it. Horrible. The girl I "tattled" to was one whom I HAD been reaching out to because I knew nobody else had let her air her side of the story. If I perceive something is amiss with someone I've always tried to be there to help. When the shoe was on the other foot people didn't want to be bothered with my pain and instead spent time with those who had hurt me and driven me to the state I was in because they were "fun" and "good looking."

It's just a terrible state of affairs. What do you do when all of your friends are siding or have sided with people who brought you so much pain and never apologized for it? My friends know most of the story in how they found each other at my expense, and I'm still stunned that they have more respect for THEM over me in the end. I've gone to great lengths in the past month to try to reach out to extend an olive branch to that couple, who has continued to give me the silent treatment. I'm left on the outside-looking-in anymore.

Has anyone been in a similar situation of feeling like the "Black Sheep?" Is there anything that I could do to give myself in-roads back to friendship with these people without having to further grovel to the ones who nearly cost me my life with their cruel actions? I was suicidal AGAIN last night, and I just don't know when those thoughts will ever end.
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Old 04-17-2010, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Hot Springs, AR
5,612 posts, read 13,961,917 times
Reputation: 3759
First of all, none of these people are your friends. No one would treat someone who was so depressed they became suidical so callously.

The best thing you can do for yourself is stop reaching out to the couple - every time you do, it screams "loser". Next thing, find a new circle of friends. Looks have nothing to do with true friendship.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 04-17-2010, 08:27 AM
 
Location: Marshall-Shadeland, Pittsburgh, PA
31,285 posts, read 69,865,305 times
Reputation: 16942
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed View Post
First of all, none of these people are your friends. No one would treat someone who was so depressed they became suidical so callously.

The best thing you can do for yourself is stop reaching out to the couple - every time you do, it screams "loser". Next thing, find a new circle of friends. Looks have nothing to do with true friendship.

Best of luck to you.
Thanks. This is what I was afraid of. After blowing up at me via text last night when the girl I "tattled" to stood up to defend her honor (with my backing), a few sent me reconcilatory texts after they had cooled off, but I honestly can't tell anymore when these people are being genuine and when they are just being "nice" to keep up appearances. I don't know who my "true" friends in this group setting are and who those are who just keep me around out of pity.

Back in late-December I "rallied the troops" and got everyone together last-minute to take one of these friends out for a great evening to take her mind off of something that was ailing her. I didn't think twice. The same weekend as that ill-fated party where I saw my co-worker and "summer boy" being intimate I rallied everyone together again to a restaurant to help support my co-worker after he endured having "summer boy" make a pass at a gay friend I had brought to the party to help support me emotionally since I had a feeling I was going to see some things I didn't want to see that evening. I was reeling in pain that weekend, but I put HIM above me and tried to get everyone to take him out for a good time to show him he was supported. Not ONE person in this group EVER reached out to me like that when I was at my worst. Not one. I rarely, if ever, received even a damn "You ok?" text message from anyone. I went for seven weeks without anyone inviting me anywhere to get me out of the house. I now learned that during those seven weeks these people were sociable with this favored couple instead because they were "fun" to be around. I wasn't.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. I had worked so hard and made SO much progress over the past month to rebuild my life, and that all collapsed last night with more thoughts of suicide for feeling like everyone would prefer me to not be around anymore. Everyone didn't have to fully ignore me last night to fawn over the couple. They could have realized ahead of time they and I would have been forced to keep distance and coordinated to have made sure I wouldn't have been the one sitting over in "time-out" in the corner (especially since I'm the one who had brought everyone together!)

Why are people so selfish? Is it an age/maturity thing? Is it a Virginia thing? Are people so insecure with themselves that they prefer to surround themselves with jerks so they feel more popular?
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Old 04-17-2010, 08:48 AM
 
Location: Homeless
1,203 posts, read 1,801,146 times
Reputation: 511
Since you have not gone through with suicide and are sharing this it means that you have not given up all hope yet.

Reston, it may be wise to disassociate with them for a while and do some things for you.
Seems like your friends felt that you should not have taken this thing so hard.
And they may see your anguish as simple whining.
But you feel betrayed and justly so.

I would recommend some counseling though.
Your previously referred to self esteem is one of the reasons why you felt so much pain from this and it turned inward instead of outward.
And that is a trial you will have to conquer or you will keep feeling despair like you are now.
Maybe go to some new venues and meet some new people.

I cannot fix your issue.
Cannot tell you how to fix it.
Even a counselor can only lead you to a solution if you want to go there.

I just suggest that you keep trying different things until something works to lift your spirits.
If thats what you really want.

My heart goes out to you bro, seriously.
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Old 04-17-2010, 09:34 AM
 
190 posts, read 376,036 times
Reputation: 167
Sometimes you find that your friends let you down. Sometimes you realize they weren't your friend to begin with. It hurts either way. The public affection you had shoved in your face is just insensitive and sounds like they were trying to be hurtful.

These are times, especially if it is causing you to feel depressed, when you need to back away from those that are hurting you. Don't overanalyze it or question yourself, just take time to be a good friend to yourself. If you are a runner, then get out for a long run on a nice day.

After being hurt and in a vulnerable place like you have been you are going to attract the same. People will pick up on the subtle queues that you don't feel worthy so wait until you have been nice to yourself and have your friendly mojo back. Then you will find friends that will treat you with respect. Good luck
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Old 04-17-2010, 05:35 PM
 
Location: Marshall-Shadeland, Pittsburgh, PA
31,285 posts, read 69,865,305 times
Reputation: 16942
Quote:
Originally Posted by nichirenx View Post
Since you have not gone through with suicide and are sharing this it means that you have not given up all hope yet.

Reston, it may be wise to disassociate with them for a while and do some things for you.
Seems like your friends felt that you should not have taken this thing so hard.
And they may see your anguish as simple whining.
But you feel betrayed and justly so.

I would recommend some counseling though.
Your previously referred to self esteem is one of the reasons why you felt so much pain from this and it turned inward instead of outward.
And that is a trial you will have to conquer or you will keep feeling despair like you are now.
Maybe go to some new venues and meet some new people.

I cannot fix your issue.
Cannot tell you how to fix it.
Even a counselor can only lead you to a solution if you want to go there.

I just suggest that you keep trying different things until something works to lift your spirits.
If thats what you really want.

My heart goes out to you bro, seriously.
Thanks for the encouragement. I've already been through counseling, and it only helped somewhat. I've always been an idealist. I've always been the type who has wanted to find a silver lining in people whom society has already cast out. I've always wanted to be the one to hear someone out fully in case they were prematurely judged and ostracized by others. My therapist had the attitude of "people suck", and she vented some bitter things to me as well that former "friends" had done to her. In fact, the one day my entire session she utilized as an opportunity to take the floor and run down other people who had slighted her. Her advice was that "summer boy" and my colleague were horrible people, and anyone who'd choose their side over mine were the same way. Perhaps I'm still in denial, but having done nothing to malign anyone I just foresee people being misled---not being terrible in general.

I bawled my eyes out much of last night thinking everyone hated me. Today I took a drive through the mountains of West Virginia to try to clear my head somewhat, but that didn't really help. I'm going to hit up the gym tonight for a while, get those endorphins rushing, and hope that holds off the waterworks for another evening. I just don't really know what the solution here is. I just can't fathom that after all I've been through and after how hard I worked to build myself into an incredibly strong person that all collapsed again last night, and nobody gave a damn. If someone else in our circle of friends is distraught, the National Guard is practically enlisted to comfort them. When I fell ill I was ignored and given the silent treatment. To say I'm bitter is an understatement.
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Old 04-17-2010, 05:37 PM
 
Location: Marshall-Shadeland, Pittsburgh, PA
31,285 posts, read 69,865,305 times
Reputation: 16942
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanInHSV View Post
Sometimes you find that your friends let you down. Sometimes you realize they weren't your friend to begin with. It hurts either way. The public affection you had shoved in your face is just insensitive and sounds like they were trying to be hurtful.

These are times, especially if it is causing you to feel depressed, when you need to back away from those that are hurting you. Don't overanalyze it or question yourself, just take time to be a good friend to yourself. If you are a runner, then get out for a long run on a nice day.

After being hurt and in a vulnerable place like you have been you are going to attract the same. People will pick up on the subtle queues that you don't feel worthy so wait until you have been nice to yourself and have your friendly mojo back. Then you will find friends that will treat you with respect. Good luck
Thank you. I suppose that's something I need to consider as well. I'm not worthy of being loved by anyone until I fully love myself. That's not always the case, though, and if I see enough promise in someone who is in a lot of pain I would NOT hesitate myself to reach out, invite them to dinner, let them vent, hold them as they cry, etc.---even if this took weeks or even months for them to go through---if it meant in the end they'd be well, and I'd have gained a great partner. I guess society at-large is different, though. Nobody else wants a "project." Everyone wants instant gratification. They are attracted to bold risk-takers who throw around their weight in testosterone. For me I keep an open mind towards anyone.
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Old 04-18-2010, 09:10 PM
 
Location: Marshall-Shadeland, Pittsburgh, PA
31,285 posts, read 69,865,305 times
Reputation: 16942
Any other insight? Please. I'm desperate. I've spent a good chunk of today crying as well and just don't know what to do anymore. Everyone has turned their backs on me thinking my depression has made me too "crazy" or too much of a "buzzkill" to be around. I'm one step away from going to the hospital, saying I'm suicidal, and being sedated. Seriously. I just don't know anymore. I thought I was "well" again, and then when I had to see with my own two eyes Friday night just how little I was respected or valued by people who had previously told me otherwise I relapsed back into the abyss. Therapy hasn't helped---being told "people suck" was not helpful.
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Old 04-19-2010, 07:56 AM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,410 posts, read 18,680,099 times
Reputation: 18531
What have they told you in therapy? Therapy will not work if you don't listen to their advice. I'm sure they must have told you some useful suggestions, are you ignoring them?

You sound as though you are in love with love, and when you meet someone new you get this sense of euphoria, and start fantasizing an entire relationship with that person in your head. Of course, when it doesn't play out the way you had imagined, you are disappointed, discouraged, and hurt. You then come crashing down from that "new relationship high" and depression kicks in again. You have to learn to live in the moment and not get too far ahead of yourself when you meet someone new. You can't allow your infatuation to spike your emotions to the highest peak, because once things go in the opposite direction, you'll come crashing down.

These friends of yours aren't to blame for your depression. That couple was just being themselves. You invested more of yourself then they asked for, and when you didn't get a return on your investment you saw them as the bad guy. You already knew one of them was flakey to begin with. You need to stop surrounding yourself with people whom you have a history of emotional investment.

Are you taking any meds for your depression?
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Old 04-19-2010, 07:10 PM
 
Location: South South Jersey
1,652 posts, read 3,534,087 times
Reputation: 734
Hey RR! *waves from the NoVA sub-forum* I could be totally wrong here, but could it be you're subconsciously seeking out nasty people who make you feel bad about yourself as potential friends/boyfriends? (Sort of along the lines of Groucho Marx's famous "I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member" quote?) I know from personal experience that this *does* actually happen - my older sis use to be really bad in this regard and would only date commitment-phobic men and hang out with catty, conceited women. It took my mom and me alerting her to this self-sabotaging behavior to get her to really reflect on it and assess the quality of her relationships in light of it. It might not be what's going on in your particular situation, though - just my $.02/some food for thought/whatever.

*wanders back to the NoVA section*
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