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Old 06-02-2010, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Hawaii
2,058 posts, read 2,988,619 times
Reputation: 1574

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I’m not sure what I'm looking for here specifically. I already think what I think so..I dunno..

My brother was a “bad kid” pretty much his whole life. Our former step dad was extremely angry and violent (most of the time not really related to what we did or didn't do) and my mom was super lenient so that’s the kind of parenting he was getting. At 5 he was stealing cigarettes from my mom and step dad and trying to smoke them. When he was 8 he and his friend burned down the friend’s shed playing with fire. A couple years later they almost burned down our garage the same way. When he was 11 or so he stole my mom’s atm card, withdrew money, and bought a bunch of candy. When he was 13 he almost went to juvy for kicking down a bunch of old headstones at a cemetery. He almost went to jail when he and a friend broke into a neighbors garage and huffed the paint inside until the morning when they got caught.

My mom and ex step dad divorced when he was 16, I was 18. When he was 18 he went to prison for doing things with an underage girl. It was “consensual” (I know that underage girls can’t legally give consent but I guess because the girl admitted she wanted to do it and only told because she was angry he wouldn’t officially date her) his sentence was reduced to 4 years. His entire life he has treated me and my mom really badly. Throwing things at us, stealing from us, breaking our stuff, hitting us. Making it impossible to do things if he didn’t get his way. While he was in prison, I visited him twice and sent him 2 letters.

When he got out, I suggested he live with us because my husband is the only person who has seemed to kind of get through to him. Or at least get him to follow rules even if he doesn’t understand why or care about other people’s feelings. I knew my mom would just let him do whatever he wanted or say “please don’t do that” and then he’d do it anyways and she would just shrug and say “what am I supposed to do?” My mom was afraid that my husband would “hurt” him. He said he only would if he stole from us or brought drugs in our house. Since my mom probably knew he would do that, she said no and he lived with her. During the time he lived with her he drank and smoked weed in his room, called all the men in her phone (some were clients because she’s a licensed massage therapist who works in a spa) and asked who they were and what they were doing talking to his mom. Once, when she was about to go out, he did something to her car so it wouldn’t start and she couldn’t leave. He never got a job, got his drivers license, or got his GED. He never even tried to. He could have gotten his GED while in prison but he “didn’t want to”.

Well, big surprise he ended up going back to jail for 6 months. When he went back, I had no idea when he was going to get out and didn’t care. Eventually he got out again and had no where to live. He registered with his Parole officer as homeless and bounced between my mom’s, his friends/girlfriends’ , our ex step dad’s house, and our grandpa’s house. From a bunch of different family members, he got a total of $500 to get him started in life or whatever (ironically, that’s the same amount I got when I graduated high school, which is guess is just as deserving as your 2nd time getting out of prison). He immediately spent all the money on 2 outfits, one pair of shoes, and a hotel party for him and all his friends and girlfriends. Then he had nothing left and my mom ended up buying him shampoo, a toothbrush, etc.

After a few months of being out I finally agreed to go out to dinner with him. My mom, her boyfriend, and his son were also there. He was horrible to me the whole time, bullying me and embarrassing me. And I ended up leaving in the middle of dinner. Then later I found out that my mom has been taking him out to eat once a week and driving him everywhere. Literally every time he wants to go somewhere she drops everything and takes him.

Then despite the incident at dinner, I agreed to be around him at Easter. He would also be bringing his new girlfriend that he lives with. My husband and I have been together since I was 15 so he has seen my brother's bull for a long time. My husband hates him for all the times he stole and disrespected me and my mom. So right when my brother got there my husband said “You better not disrespect my wife or I’m gonna f*ck you up. I’m giving you a chance to be respectful, don’t mess it up.” Everything was mostly fine, because he and his girlfriend just avoided us.

A few weeks later my mom’s boyfriend accidentally told me that my bro stole money from her purse when he said he just needed to come over and take a shower. My mom had been purposely not telling me because of what she was afraid I or my husband would do. My mom’s boyfriend quotes Dr. Phil “this relationship needs a hero!” when I say things like “I hate him” “ I cant stand him” “I never want to see him again“. No, this relationship needs to not exist. He just recently got a job where our ex stepdad works. On memorial day, even though I knew he stole from my mom recently, I agreed to be around him AGAIN. At the store, (only me and my mom and him where there) he asked my mom to buy him something. When she said no he started being an a**hole and whining and yelling at her in the store. I can’t handle that. I get so mad. I told him “buy it yourself “. He goes “I’m broke”. I know that’s true because just like always, he spends his whole check on stupid stuff then has no money to buy what he needs. I said “so is mom.” He said “ I’m not talking to you I’m talking to mom. You need to shut up.”

When we got back to my mom's, he went downstairs and I said to my mom, "Do you understand why I said that? To him, something cost nothing if someone else buys it for him. He doesn’t understand or care that it costs YOU something.” To that she yelled “I wish this would just stop! Can't you just drop it?!” When I realized she blamed me for all the family problems and not him, I left. My husband asked what happened and I wouldn't tell him until we were almost home to save my bro's a** AGAIN. I really can’t understand why someone can say or do something totally wrong, but the person who points it out in the one who’s considered the one causing problems and being wrong. His entire life she and other people will just accommodate him so we have minimal problems. I’m trying to stop doing that. Why do my mom and my moms’ boyfriend think we should or can just “make up” ? He’s a horrible person who doesn’t care about anyone but himself!

I’ve already concretely decided that I’m never going to see him again. Partially because my husband is furious about him telling me to shut up and I am also sick of the way he treats me. But mostly because I feel very hurt and confused why she would rather let him steal from her, buy him thinkgs she cant afford and get yelled at by him to keep things “calm” than not be around him or have me stick up for her. I realize my mom looks at it as me causing problems in the family. It kills me to know that he’s taking advantage of her and being mean to her.

Honestly deep down, I do feel bad that he didn’t get good parenting. And everyone always expected him to end up in jail and be a failure. But he got so much more freedom and got rewarded for not throwing a coffee cup at my mom's face, etc. But I have tried to help him SO many times and he just isn’t interested in help. He’s interested in people doing things for him and buying him stuff, that’s all. If I’m not willing to do that, I better be able to take being cussed out. So it's over and I feel bad because it's making my mom's life harder. Now she'll have to have separate hoildays for us and that's not going to work...

Comments welcome.
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
14,166 posts, read 26,473,087 times
Reputation: 27302
Personally, if I had the family issues you have, I would move. Far away. You can't fix these people but they CAN hurt you.
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
9,410 posts, read 18,564,499 times
Reputation: 18511
Sorry you're having such a rough time of it with family. Your brother sounds like an angry kid. I'm sure he learned that from your former step father. In your mom's eyes he will always be her baby, and perhaps she's trying to make up for the all the wrongs that were done to him by the former step dad.

Either way, you're doing the right thing. Some people just can't be reached, regardless if they are family. Maybe one day he'll grop up and turn himself around, but that won't be anytime soon. Until then, you can let your mom know that when he's ready to turn himself around and come to you like a man instead of a child, you'll be willing to open your life back up to him. Otherwise, you are not going to allow yourself to be a doormat for his aggression and bitterness.
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Old 06-02-2010, 01:35 PM
 
17,860 posts, read 15,783,626 times
Reputation: 40541
I agree with ys. This is your mom's issue now. Don't try and "save" your dysfunctional family of origin. Your loyalties should always be with your family of choice--your husband. Do whatever it takes to preserve THAT relationship.
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:00 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 16,867,993 times
Reputation: 4045
It appears that one person was able to grow up properly in a not so perfect situation. Until the rest of your family realizes that they are hurting him more by letting him get away with these things, nothing will improve. I'm willing to bet that he'll cross the line at some point and he'll either end up kicked out or back in prison again. Do not let your husband over-react to anything your brother does. You don't want him to be the one in jail as the rest of your family will likely side with your brother.
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:19 PM
 
15,246 posts, read 17,627,381 times
Reputation: 25492
There is not a thing you can do for your brother or your mom. As painful as it is, put as much distance between yourself and them as you can. If you get curious in 20 years, check back. Assuming your brother is alive, they'll both be acting the exact same way. Save yourself and your husband the grief of dealing with it in the intervening years.
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Old 06-02-2010, 02:30 PM
 
3,261 posts, read 4,817,013 times
Reputation: 3977
Quote:
Originally Posted by thatsong64 View Post


Honestly deep down, I do feel bad that he didn’t get good parenting. And everyone always expected him to end up in jail and be a failure. But he got so much more freedom and got rewarded for not throwing a coffee cup at my mom's face, etc. But I have tried to help him SO many times and he just isn’t interested in help. He’s interested in people doing things for him and buying him stuff, that’s all. If I’m not willing to do that, I better be able to take being cussed out. So it's over and I feel bad because it's making my mom's life harder. Now she'll have to have separate hoildays for us and that's not going to work...

Comments welcome.
thatsong64, It's so hard to watch people you love making mistakes and hurting themselves and each other. Your brother and your mother are at the heart of this. They have some serious co-dependency issues going on.

However, you don't nor can you fix things for them. It is their sick dynamic, not yours that keeps the cycle going. Don't get sucked into this dynamic because it will bring you down, as opposed to lift them up. Don't jeopardize your life, well being and marriage.
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Old 06-02-2010, 04:59 PM
 
Location: Hawaii
2,058 posts, read 2,988,619 times
Reputation: 1574
Wow, sorry that was so long everyone. I just felt like it was all important to the story showing a pattern of my bro's actions...

Thank you so much for everyone's kind words. I guess I am just kinda of checking/testing whether I'm right in this situation. But then again, if everyone said "OMG you need to love your brother by giving him money and shutting up!" I'd be like "hmm, ok thanks, definetly not gonna do that."

Actually I am moving far away! But not because of that. I love my mom and especially my sis. I didn't say anything about her in the OP, but she has said before "I remember every single mean thing he's done." And I hate hearing that more than everything else combined. I have decided not to talk to him or ever see him again, but I do wonder what holidays will be like. We only have 6 months of holidays left before we move, but still. There's nothing I can do about it being an inconvenience to my mom. If he respected us, there would be no problem.

I will continue to see my mom, when my bro's not around so she doesn't blame me for his actions.
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Old 06-02-2010, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Europe, in the Land of the mean
956 posts, read 1,596,167 times
Reputation: 675
thatsong, are you giving any money to your mother ? If yes, please stop because you are indirectly funding his excesses and disrespect to you . And regarding your mum I hold her responsible- for allowing her husband to be cruel to you both and allowing your brother to get away with s****. Thank God for hubby !
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Old 06-02-2010, 08:22 PM
 
47,531 posts, read 62,711,044 times
Reputation: 22311
Yes - don't enable the enabler. And stop feeling sorry for him because of bad parenting because the bad parenting didn't do you or your sister in, and it's only a convenient excuse for him. You're mom is looking for any excuse to protect her poor little baby and just by being there gives her another excuse. Back out and get around normal people who don't bring you down and maybe your mom will get the hint, but maybe she won't. She'll likely find new excuses to protect her baby from himself.
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