To NEPA's Returning Expatriates: Do You Feel Like a "Failure?" (Philadelphia: middle-class, home)
Northeastern PennsylvaniaScranton, Wilkes-Barre, Pocono area
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
As I sit here miserable in Fairfax County, Virginia I find myself often reflecting fondly upon happier times in my life spent back in Northeastern Pennsylvania. I relocated here approximately one year ago to pursue a promising career opportunity in my field where I could utilize my talents for the public's benefit, but as I've been exposed here to the rampant materialism, conspicuous consumption, self-righteousness, selfish attitudes, congestion, lack of charm, etc. so much of my soul has been drained that I honestly am seeking to relocate. Fairfax County, which is in many ways a hybrid between "The O.C." and "Jersey Shore", isn't commensurate with my personality at all. I was born middle-class in a very down-to-earth community in Luzerne County. I had friends who were from both ostentatious McMansions and trailer parks. In NEPA I always did have a genuine love for people, and after my generosity and compassion was taken advantage of terribly several times in rapid succession here in NoVA I now find myself very bitter towards humanity. In NEPA people in general may not have had college degrees or sophisticated style or tastes, but they had hearts of gold. I just can't replicate that in this area, where everything, even socializing, feels like an intense "competition."
To put things into perspective I know a lot of people in Scranton view people in The Abingtons as generally having an aura of "keeping up with the Jones's." Imagine that sort of personality spread out over a very large geographic area, and that's exactly the way I feel about Northern Virginia. Being as hurt as I was caused me to fall into depression. This depression caused me to lose passion for everything I once loved, including my job. This depression has caused me to lose nearly all of my friends who view me as being too much of a buzzkill to worry about. I am now sitting here on a sunny Saturday in the upper-70s in my boxers, not yet showered, with my blinds shut, crying and shaking from stress. I've finally realized that this area's rudeness, sterility, lack of "community", materialism, and general feeling of "dog-eat-dog" has been TOXIC to me, and I need to "escape."
I've set my sights firmly upon the city of Winchester, Virginia, which, in many respects is a miniaturized version of Scranton. The two cities are so similar I can even match up neighborhoods. I "retreat" there whenever I feel as if I'm facing some very dark moments in my life, and I'm instantly renewed and healed. Last night I drove out there and just sat at a table at a sidewalk cafe enjoying the aura of friendliness and camaraderie I was absorbing from those around me. People there seem to be similar to NEPA---caring about people first, and personal gain second. In Fairfax County I've been told "grow a thicker skin because it's every man for himself." I'm sorry, but that is NOT the way the entire world operates, and for people to suggest as such is reprehensible to me. Even my own therapist, a long-term transplant originally from Philadelphia, tells me she'll never enjoy living here for how "cold" people are to one another. She tells me ALL of her clients are unhappy living here because they can't reconcile their love of people with living in an area where people respect you more if you throw others under the bus to get yourself ahead. People here like "jerks." In NEPA people liked surrounding themselves with nice people. I'll just never understand that. Throw someone else to the dogs to get yourself a job promotion, and that does NOT make me respect you. Forgo something to do something nice for someone, and I'll love you forever.
In a sense I've been thinking to myself also if I'd be a "failure" for moving back to PA, potentially even NEPA. I was doing VERY well professionally here, and when I asked to take a voluntary temporary leave of absence due to my depression my superiors were very sad to see me leave. It's not that I'm not "cut out" to survive in the "real world." I feel as if I can do great things for so many people. I just no longer understand why Northern Virginia always tops every quality-of-life ranking when I see such little value in objects and possessions. I'm a very socially perceptive person, and I can tell a lot of people here are "fake happy." They work progressively longer hours at unfulfilling jobs to make more money to pamper themselves with things that make them feel better about themselves inside. In essence, they use material goods to try to stand out from the crowd and say to others "I'm a success", even though they fail to realize that most LUCID people don't tie as much "worth" or "respect" to materiality as these people think.
To me the fact that every therapist I called was already at maximum booking here proves to me that I'm not the only one unhappy here. Would I really be a "failure" if I moved not even to Winchester, but even to Harrisburg or, yes, even Wilkes-Barre?
ignore the bad and enjoy the good and remember people are worse off than you are I, take each day at a time. For me as a transplant here I have found the people very nice and I really think it stems from trying to treat people as you would like to be treated. You will always meet the odd mean person but for everyone of them, there are many good people.
I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time. *HUGGGGGGGGGGS* I can well relate as I've endured nearly 17 years of living in a place that has drained my soul, as well. It's not the people, but the isolation that is the killer for me. (I don't drive). I also wish there were more to do and that it was more pedestrian-friendly. I found out too late that suburban life for a single person just isn't for me. Oddly, if I drove, I would definitely live in the country because I love nature, mountains and peace and quiet, but commute to a more "city-fied" area for work and things to do so I could have the best of both worlds. Haven't found it yet or don't know where that'd be "nearby". Sigh...
I hear you about being taken advantaged of for your compassion and generosity. Been there a number of times in my life. Don't let it make you lose faith in humanity altogether, though. There are plenty of people who would kill to have someone be as compassionate and caring towards them as you seem to be.
I hope you eventually find a place that "speaks" to you. It's been my on-going dream, as well. I have to say, though, that with all of the postings you've done on the board about different places and all the photo tours, that I'm surprised you never realized or came to know the "flavor" of the place you chose to move. That was my big mistake when I moved here to the suburbs of NY. I never investigated and stayed long enough to get to know the area. I knew I wanted to move out of The Bronx and the area was where my ex-boss suggested I go, so I went--thinking if was for the best. It was only two months later that I asked, "WHAT DID I DO???!!!" Since you seemed to be so well-researched on many types of different areas, I thought you wouldn't have fallen prey to the dreaded, "OMG, I HATE IT HERE!!" scenario..but I guess despite our best efforts, it can happen to the best of us.
I hope you eventually find your way out to a place that better suits you, Paul. Please hang in there. I very well understand depression and its parasitic effects on a person. If you need to talk, please PM me. I'm here to listen anytime.
THAT IS A LIVING THING THAT HAS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR YOU...
Have you ever thought about living in a big city. I think I would find it hard to live here in America if I was in my twenties again, When I was younger I needed to travel and explore the world to get all that out of my system. Have you any close friends you can talk to - have you tried therapy with someone who understands you - you might have to travel to find someone and feel comfortable to talk to. you love to write and I always enjoy reading what you have to say... please continue on it is like therapy sometimes.
I know you are having a hard time from what you wrote....even when you are feeling like this - you can make it past it and find happiness, you can, you have to just keep on going and find what it is you need.
btw you were missed here and wold be welcome back but do you think that this is what you really want. I think I mentioned a year or so back that perhaps you should travel to find yourself - I guess I did not think Fairfax Virginia might be want you might be suited to... I was thinking Amsterdam or some place like that.
In a sense I've been thinking to myself also if I'd be a "failure" for moving back to PA, potentially even NEPA. I was doing VERY well professionally here, and when I asked to take a voluntary temporary leave of absence due to my depression my superiors were very sad to see me leave. It's not that I'm not "cut out" to survive in the "real world." I feel as if I can do great things for so many people. I just no longer understand why Northern Virginia always tops every quality-of-life ranking when I see such little value in objects and possessions. I'm a very socially perceptive person, and I can tell a lot of people here are "fake happy." They work progressively longer hours at unfulfilling jobs to make more money to pamper themselves with things that make them feel better about themselves inside. In essence, they use material goods to try to stand out from the crowd and say to others "I'm a success", even though they fail to realize that most LUCID people don't tie as much "worth" or "respect" to materiality as these people think.
To me the fact that every therapist I called was already at maximum booking here proves to me that I'm not the only one unhappy here. Would I really be a "failure" if I moved not even to Winchester, but even to Harrisburg or, yes, even Wilkes-Barre?
RR - Your personal value fulfillment is ultimately what counts... And as you grow older, you learn to let go of societal definitions of "failure" and define success for yourself. You will never be a "failure" when you follow your heart. "To thine own self be true."
P.S. You write so lovely, that I often wonder if you have ever considered a book or some form or writing, ie newspaper, etc? The world needs more of your kind of light. Stay strong
I think for you there is no geographic cure. I think your problems wont be magically fixed by moving. It might make it better but having seen this a few times before it will be a temporary band aid until the cycle starts all over again.
It seems you base much of your happiness on what other people do or say or act like. You basically internalize a lot of stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with you at all. Who cares what other people are doing or whether they are materialistic or selfish or whatever, it's none of your bidness and if anything how can you judge anyways? You are really the source of all your own stress. It's almost an obsessive compulsive disorder that you want everything perfect around you or you can't function.
To survive you will have to build some mental toughness and maturity and the only way there is within your own mind and making to choice to have some cojones and stop the complain train. Yes the world reality is the world is like the reality show Survivor, outwit outlast outplay. It can be a cold, mean uncaring world, but so what, you have to set your own standards and set your own path for life.
I pass through Winchester, VA and eat dinner there at least once a month if not more. It seems to be a pretty basic town, decent scenery and a good Christian town.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,683 posts, read 41,553,646 times
Reputation: 41302
Quote:
Originally Posted by RestonRunner86
As I sit here miserable in Fairfax County, Virginia I find myself often reflecting fondly upon happier times in my life spent back in Northeastern Pennsylvania. I relocated here approximately one year ago to pursue a promising career opportunity in my field where I could utilize my talents for the public's benefit, but as I've been exposed here to the rampant materialism, conspicuous consumption, self-righteousness, selfish attitudes, congestion, lack of charm, etc. so much of my soul has been drained that I honestly am seeking to relocate. Fairfax County, which is in many ways a hybrid between "The O.C." and "Jersey Shore", isn't commensurate with my personality at all. I was born middle-class in a very down-to-earth community in Luzerne County. I had friends who were from both ostentatious McMansions and trailer parks. In NEPA I always did have a genuine love for people, and after my generosity and compassion was taken advantage of terribly several times in rapid succession here in NoVA I now find myself very bitter towards humanity. In NEPA people in general may not have had college degrees or sophisticated style or tastes, but they had hearts of gold. I just can't replicate that in this area, where everything, even socializing, feels like an intense "competition."
To put things into perspective I know a lot of people in Scranton view people in The Abingtons as generally having an aura of "keeping up with the Jones's." Imagine that sort of personality spread out over a very large geographic area, and that's exactly the way I feel about Northern Virginia. Being as hurt as I was caused me to fall into depression. This depression caused me to lose passion for everything I once loved, including my job. This depression has caused me to lose nearly all of my friends who view me as being too much of a buzzkill to worry about. I am now sitting here on a sunny Saturday in the upper-70s in my boxers, not yet showered, with my blinds shut, crying and shaking from stress. I've finally realized that this area's rudeness, sterility, lack of "community", materialism, and general feeling of "dog-eat-dog" has been TOXIC to me, and I need to "escape."
I've set my sights firmly upon the city of Winchester, Virginia, which, in many respects is a miniaturized version of Scranton. The two cities are so similar I can even match up neighborhoods. I "retreat" there whenever I feel as if I'm facing some very dark moments in my life, and I'm instantly renewed and healed. Last night I drove out there and just sat at a table at a sidewalk cafe enjoying the aura of friendliness and camaraderie I was absorbing from those around me. People there seem to be similar to NEPA---caring about people first, and personal gain second. In Fairfax County I've been told "grow a thicker skin because it's every man for himself." I'm sorry, but that is NOT the way the entire world operates, and for people to suggest as such is reprehensible to me. Even my own therapist, a long-term transplant originally from Philadelphia, tells me she'll never enjoy living here for how "cold" people are to one another. She tells me ALL of her clients are unhappy living here because they can't reconcile their love of people with living in an area where people respect you more if you throw others under the bus to get yourself ahead. People here like "jerks." In NEPA people liked surrounding themselves with nice people. I'll just never understand that. Throw someone else to the dogs to get yourself a job promotion, and that does NOT make me respect you. Forgo something to do something nice for someone, and I'll love you forever.
In a sense I've been thinking to myself also if I'd be a "failure" for moving back to PA, potentially even NEPA. I was doing VERY well professionally here, and when I asked to take a voluntary temporary leave of absence due to my depression my superiors were very sad to see me leave. It's not that I'm not "cut out" to survive in the "real world." I feel as if I can do great things for so many people. I just no longer understand why Northern Virginia always tops every quality-of-life ranking when I see such little value in objects and possessions. I'm a very socially perceptive person, and I can tell a lot of people here are "fake happy." They work progressively longer hours at unfulfilling jobs to make more money to pamper themselves with things that make them feel better about themselves inside. In essence, they use material goods to try to stand out from the crowd and say to others "I'm a success", even though they fail to realize that most LUCID people don't tie as much "worth" or "respect" to materiality as these people think.
To me the fact that every therapist I called was already at maximum booking here proves to me that I'm not the only one unhappy here. Would I really be a "failure" if I moved not even to Winchester, but even to Harrisburg or, yes, even Wilkes-Barre?
RR, I apologize in advance for stalking you.
No you would not be a failure. I would call it "doing what you gotta do." If you feel NoVA has been toxic, you are only going to get sicker by staying. Don't be afraid to go. Some naysayers are going to say you are running scared back home but at the end of the day you only need to be worried about your well-being. Those naysayers are not going to come to your funeral or going the feel the effects of your stress. If you think moving to back to PA can help you, by all means do it.
Bottom line, you need to worry about you and anyone else who wants to call you a failure for trying to raise your own morale.
Oh and hello NEPA forum, I'm Alanboy395 from Kentucky.
As I sit here miserable in Fairfax County, Virginia I find myself often reflecting fondly upon happier times in my life spent back in Northeastern Pennsylvania. I relocated here approximately one year ago to pursue a promising career opportunity in my field where I could utilize my talents for the public's benefit, but as I've been exposed here to the rampant materialism, conspicuous consumption, self-righteousness, selfish attitudes, congestion, lack of charm, etc. so much of my soul has been drained that I honestly am seeking to relocate. Fairfax County, which is in many ways a hybrid between "The O.C." and "Jersey Shore", isn't commensurate with my personality at all. I was born middle-class in a very down-to-earth community in Luzerne County. I had friends who were from both ostentatious McMansions and trailer parks. In NEPA I always did have a genuine love for people, and after my generosity and compassion was taken advantage of terribly several times in rapid succession here in NoVA I now find myself very bitter towards humanity. In NEPA people in general may not have had college degrees or sophisticated style or tastes, but they had hearts of gold. I just can't replicate that in this area, where everything, even socializing, feels like an intense "competition."
To put things into perspective I know a lot of people in Scranton view people in The Abingtons as generally having an aura of "keeping up with the Jones's." Imagine that sort of personality spread out over a very large geographic area, and that's exactly the way I feel about Northern Virginia. Being as hurt as I was caused me to fall into depression. This depression caused me to lose passion for everything I once loved, including my job. This depression has caused me to lose nearly all of my friends who view me as being too much of a buzzkill to worry about. I am now sitting here on a sunny Saturday in the upper-70s in my boxers, not yet showered, with my blinds shut, crying and shaking from stress. I've finally realized that this area's rudeness, sterility, lack of "community", materialism, and general feeling of "dog-eat-dog" has been TOXIC to me, and I need to "escape."
I've set my sights firmly upon the city of Winchester, Virginia, which, in many respects is a miniaturized version of Scranton. The two cities are so similar I can even match up neighborhoods. I "retreat" there whenever I feel as if I'm facing some very dark moments in my life, and I'm instantly renewed and healed. Last night I drove out there and just sat at a table at a sidewalk cafe enjoying the aura of friendliness and camaraderie I was absorbing from those around me. People there seem to be similar to NEPA---caring about people first, and personal gain second. In Fairfax County I've been told "grow a thicker skin because it's every man for himself." I'm sorry, but that is NOT the way the entire world operates, and for people to suggest as such is reprehensible to me. Even my own therapist, a long-term transplant originally from Philadelphia, tells me she'll never enjoy living here for how "cold" people are to one another. She tells me ALL of her clients are unhappy living here because they can't reconcile their love of people with living in an area where people respect you more if you throw others under the bus to get yourself ahead. People here like "jerks." In NEPA people liked surrounding themselves with nice people. I'll just never understand that. Throw someone else to the dogs to get yourself a job promotion, and that does NOT make me respect you. Forgo something to do something nice for someone, and I'll love you forever.
In a sense I've been thinking to myself also if I'd be a "failure" for moving back to PA, potentially even NEPA. I was doing VERY well professionally here, and when I asked to take a voluntary temporary leave of absence due to my depression my superiors were very sad to see me leave. It's not that I'm not "cut out" to survive in the "real world." I feel as if I can do great things for so many people. I just no longer understand why Northern Virginia always tops every quality-of-life ranking when I see such little value in objects and possessions. I'm a very socially perceptive person, and I can tell a lot of people here are "fake happy." They work progressively longer hours at unfulfilling jobs to make more money to pamper themselves with things that make them feel better about themselves inside. In essence, they use material goods to try to stand out from the crowd and say to others "I'm a success", even though they fail to realize that most LUCID people don't tie as much "worth" or "respect" to materiality as these people think.
To me the fact that every therapist I called was already at maximum booking here proves to me that I'm not the only one unhappy here. Would I really be a "failure" if I moved not even to Winchester, but even to Harrisburg or, yes, even Wilkes-Barre?
I'm an expat of NEPA. And I now come back here for half the year. I can tell you I felt the same way about Florida in about the same time frame. And it just got worse as time went by. I disagree with the post that said there is no geographical fix. It may be just a case of home sickenss.
I can tell you from my perspective, there is NO place like home, especially when it's NEPA. I love it here and am very happy when I'm home. I'm now strong enough that 5.5 or 6 months of Florida doesn't faze me much now that I know I can go home.
CD has a lot of statistics. But one they don't have is a toxic people per square mile index. I can tell you the area of Florida I live and work in has a much higher density of materialistic, fake happy and toxic people than where I live in Pa.
I waited about 18 years before getting a place in Pa. Waited until I could pay cash for a nice one. It was hard. But waiting made me appreciate Pa all the more. And now I even enjoy my time in Florida for the most part. I know the downside and avoid the toxics at all cost.
IMO, you definitely would NOT be a failure if you decided to move back to northeastern PA from northern Virginia. There cannot be failure if you are unhappy someplace and you want to change things so you aren't unhappy. That's called being proactive in your life and listening to what your heart and soul (and brain) are telling you. Living in the DC area and originally being from eastern PA (Lehigh Valley) myself, I can tell you I can relate to some of what you are talking about, though my irritations relate to working for the federal government and the bizarre mix of importance, irrelevance, and disconnectedness from what real people in the real world are doing. From my personal experience, I've come to believe true growth cannot take place unless you are forced to face significant discomfort in your life, whether it is caused by failure (or what is perceived to be failure), deep unhappiness, a significant loss, or something similar. You've already identified something that is at the core of your being and that is very important to you (helping and showing compassion to other people), and you are already ahead of many people in knowing what at least some of your core needs are - some people never take the time to truly understand and appreciate who they are. The fact that you want to take action and not accept status quo shows courage on your part - a lot of people don't have that type of courage. Likewise, when you moved from the SWB area a year ago due to your desire live somewhere else, experience a different area, and improve your life, you showed courage - many people wouldn't have been willing or able to make that kind of change in their lives. You should be commended for being willing to listen to your inner voice, which has told you that you don't want to sit still but also want to experience something real.
I personally don't think you should move back to northeastern PA, at least at this point. Actually, I think you are taking the exactly right kind of action - you are trying to look for a place that is physically separated and has some significant differences from NE PA but has some similarities to NE PA and has attributes that are compatible with your core beliefs. I've never lived in Winchester, but I've been through the town a number of times and I like the town; it's a kind of town I would potentially be interested in living in at some point. I think you could live there, or a host of other similar or relatively similar places (like Martinsburg, WV, Hagerstown, MD, Chambersburg, Carlisle, or Harrisburg along the I-81 corridor, or (probably) Frederick, MD or Gettysburg along the US 15 corridor, or Westminster, MD or Hanover near the Mason-Dixon Line, or even the Baltimore area) and find a location that is more to your liking. Try living in Winchester or a similar kind of place for a little while and see how things work for you. If things don't work, the fact you already know you can take the initiative and make a significant change in your life will make it easier for you to do so again. And obviously if things do work, you have an opportunity to live in an area that is different and separate from NE PA but has some of the same kinds of values that the SWB area has and more importantly, values that you value.
By no means are you the only person who has faced the kind of challenge you are facing now, but many of those people who have faced that challenge have been able to improve their lives, in large part because they learned from the challenging experience about what they want and don't want. There's no doubt in my mind that you can overcome your current fears/worries and improve your life, RestonRunner86. The solutions will take some time to present themselves, but they gradually will as you take steps to address and overcome the challenge you are currently facing. You will be a better person, feel better about yourself, and will have GROWN as a person once you make it through to the other side.
I wish you good luck as you move to beginning the next chapter of your life's journey.
I think for you there is no geographic cure. I think your problems wont be magically fixed by moving. It might make it better but having seen this a few times before it will be a temporary band aid until the cycle starts all over again.
It seems you base much of your happiness on what other people do or say or act like. You basically internalize a lot of stuff that doesn't really have anything to do with you at all. Who cares what other people are doing or whether they are materialistic or selfish or whatever, it's none of your bidness and if anything how can you judge anyways? You are really the source of all your own stress. It's almost an obsessive compulsive disorder that you want everything perfect around you or you can't function.
To survive you will have to build some mental toughness and maturity and the only way there is within your own mind and making to choice to have some cojones and stop the complain train. Yes the world reality is the world is like the reality show Survivor, outwit outlast outplay. It can be a cold, mean uncaring world, but so what, you have to set your own standards and set your own path for life.
I pass through Winchester, VA and eat dinner there at least once a month if not more. It seems to be a pretty basic town, decent scenery and a good Christian town.
Wow! Wow! Wow! Great post! You nailed it. You are SOOOO right, RR worries far too much about what other people have, their thoughts about having them, and their motivations for all they do. He needs to spend less time focusing on other people and more time focusing on himself.
The fault lies not within the stars, but within ourselves. (Will Shakespeare)
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You have to make the best of life
THAT IS A LIVING THING THAT HAS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR YOU...
anyone else who wants to call you a failure for trying to raise your own morale.
