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This comes up on the Portland, OR (where I live) forum, and on other city forums I've browsed. In addition to what's already been mentioned, I think a big part of it is that, once people get involved with career, marriage, and family, they have less free time to spend with other people and cultivate new friendships. My wife and I both had a difficult time making friends when we moved to Portland (independently, before we met each other). Our friendships come and go over the years, too, as people change jobs, spouses, locations, or interests.
I'll vouch for the ohana effect in Hawaii, though. When my wife-to-be first took me to Hawaii to meet her family and friends, I was immediately accepted by all of them (after demonstrating that I wasn't a pilau buggah, of course).
This comes up on the Portland, OR (where I live) forum, and on other city forums I've browsed. In addition to what's already been mentioned, I think a big part of it is that, once people get involved with career, marriage, and family, they have less free time to spend with other people and cultivate new friendships. My wife and I both had a difficult time making friends when we moved to Portland (independently, before we met each other). Our friendships come and go over the years, too, as people change jobs, spouses, locations, or interests.
I'll vouch for the ohana effect in Hawaii, though. When my wife-to-be first took me to Hawaii to meet her family and friends, I was immediately accepted by all of them (after demonstrating that I wasn't a pilau buggah, of course).
Agreed.
I'm an expat in Japan...and over here, if you're single, you'll make friends left, right, and center...all over the place.
I'm married now, and it's just different. Half of the time the wife doesn't approve or want to hangout with just any ol' person that I'd like to, and I generally don't feel interested in hanging out with the people that she finds interesting. You have to suddenly coordinate and plan things, because of having a spouse. Meanwhile you're fairly limited to other couples, who also have to deal with the same situation.
Than you add kids on top of those situations, with have other immense time demands....plus your time demands devoted to work, to the spouse, to the general family, and to whatever few other friends a person has remained to keep over the years...etc.
Yeah, it's just not easy to find time to welcome and embrace brand new people who come along when adults have family/relationships/marriages/job commitments to work on...opposed to when we were all high school students and college students, when our only mission in life was to enjoy life.
Well, I'm not quite that cynical, although I admit I have my days when I hate people in general. However, you do bring up another factor: like many people people, I'm an introvert. If you meet me in person, you'll find me very friendly and approachable, but my wife, family, and few long-time friends satisfy what few social needs I have. Given the choice between going to a party and staying at home (alone or with my wife), I'll always choose the latter. Ironically, when social protocol dictates that I go to a party, I invariably have a great time. While it's always nice to meet new people with whom I connect and have common interests, I don't actively seek new friends. I usually meet them through my wife, who has more social needs than I do: "Honey, I met this really cool woman at the craft fair, and she and her husband want to get together with us for dinner on Saturday at this great Italian restaurant they know about!" So combine that with what Tiger Beer talked about... I suspect the OP meets any number of people who would have nothing in principle against becoming friends, but whose busy schedule, introversion, and/or other obligations make them unwilling or unable to invest the time needed to build a good friendship. I have two friends-for-life I've known since high school, and two I met at a volunteer organization where I worked for nearly a decade when I was single. In short, I spent a lot of time with these people over many years, and was able to forge strong bonds. The friends I've made since are more casual, and they're the type who tend to come and go with circumstance.
Last edited by 7th generation; 08-29-2012 at 08:13 AM..
Reason: removed orphaned content
I feel like I really have tried to embrace the culture and hawaii here. Already I am starting to talk pigeon without trying. But I think it is the fact that I am a VERY big guy. I am 6'4, 320 lbs. People may be afraid of me or something. My co-workers are always asking me if I played football and if you met me you would swear I am military. Let me give an example of my experience making friends in hawaii.
I went to a anime club meeting in aiea. I was very friendly and went around to different people and talked about anime, but the rest of the group was kinda cold but not in a rude way. They talked for about 2 minutes and then silence. I went around and introduced myself and people said hello, and welcome and went about their way. The head of the club did not introduce me or ask the others to introduce themselves. So when the anime started, 15 minutes in, I felt uncomfortable and me and my wife left.
A friend/co-worker I think put it best how the passive/aggressive way is here in hawaii. They will smile and be very polite to your face but when you turn your back they kick you. And when you turn around to see who kicked you, it's just them smiling.....
I honestly feel like a local too.... When me and my wife went to a chinese restaurant yesterday, their were 2 aa guys talking. You can tell by their build and their stories they were military. But almost instantly we sparked up conversation. Laughed about things, and had much in common. But when our food was ready, I told my wife let's go. She asked why don't you try to make friends with these guys. I told her no. Due to the fact they were military and one was already going back to the mainland next year. "And he said he was ready to go." I find locals do not want to make friends with military here because the friendship will be cut short. I personally, I understand that.
But, I think I am a victim of that truism as well. :-(
I feel like I really have tried to embrace the culture and hawaii here. Already I am starting to talk pigeon without trying.
Pigeons are birds. Pidgen is the local improvised quasi-language that was originally used by farm laborers from different countries to communicate with each other. It persists as a local slang. If you started talking pigeon people would probably throw bread crumbs at you.
Also, a tip... nothing shows up a malahini (newcomer) faster than the way they speak and spell the word "Hawaiʻi." There are 7 letters in that word, not 6. The ʻokina is definitely pronounced. The W sounds more like a soft V. And the capital H is emphasized.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phanos9999
But I think it is the fact that I am a VERY big guy. I am 6'4, 320 lbs. People may be afraid of me or something.
Don't be silly. Why would people hold that against you? Ummm, could you back up a little bit? Ok, just a little more? Thanks.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phanos9999
A friend/co-worker I think put it best how the passive/aggressive way is here in hawaii. They will smile and be very polite to your face but when you turn your back they kick you. And when you turn around to see who kicked you, it's just them smiling...
I think that's an overstatement. One of the things you eventually learn about island life is that it really is a small world here. Therefore direct confrontations are discouraged, and are rare, because brah, you're just going to be seeing the same guy again next week. Yes, they will kick you behind your back, IF you have done something worth being kicked for. Mostly they're just gonna laugh at you for thinking your pidgin sounds authentic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Phanos9999
I honestly feel like a local too.... When me and my wife went to a chinese restaurant yesterday, their were 2 aa guys talking. You can tell by their build and their stories they were military. But almost instantly we sparked up conversation. Laughed about things, and had much in common. But when our food was ready, I told my wife let's go. She asked why don't you try to make friends with these guys. I told her no. Due to the fact they were military and one was already going back to the mainland next year. "And he said he was ready to go." I find locals do not want to make friends with military here because the friendship will be cut short. I personally, I understand that. But, I think I am a victim of that truism as well.
See, that's the key thing to understand. Many, many, many people in Hawai'i are short-timers, whether by design or by circumstance, so people take a long time to warm up to you on a deep level to defend themselves aginst hurt. You just illustrated how that works, by doing the same to others.
So I kidded you a little here, but just to try to throw some light on what baffles many who come to Hawai'i. You'll get a big warm Aloha, and it's real, but it's limited. You need to stick around, stay open, and prove yourself over time to get to a deeper level with people.
I show dogs and that takes care of my making acquaintances issues. I already have internet friends all over the world. It's a big tight club. If I don't know anyone there, I know someone who does, and I know the secret handshake.
However, outside of showing dogs, I find that taking a foreign language class is the very best way to meet people. You must talk to each other in class. You must talk about yourself in class. It's very common for people to go out for coffee after class to discuss the lessons or practice their new found language.
The next best way to meet people is an art class. Everyone has a common interest and everyone chatters. I've gone on "field trips" with fellow art students. We get together on our day off and go together to paint scenery.
I know this is the Oahu forum, maybe it's different there...we arrived at our new Hilo home late Thursday and have already met more awesome people than we can count on both hands. And spouse is also a really large man, but that doesn't seem to be intimidating anyone. Despite some forum regulars telling me that I would never make friends here (wtf.com? lol), the people are awesome friendly and our social life is already full. What can I say, we smile a lot, introduce ourselves and greet people by name, listen openmindedly to unsolicited advice (which is very helpful more often than not), and say THANK YOU for small favors. We are big loud haoles and we have yet to see even the tiniest hint of rudeness from anyone and believe me, we get out and about.
I'll never forget some advice I got about 30 years ago: "if you want to have a friend, BE a friend."
I find that taking a foreign language class is the very best way to meet people. You must talk to each other in class. You must talk about yourself in class. It's very common for people to go out for coffee after class to discuss the lessons or practice their new found language.
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There is a meetup for that - Japanese, and you don't have to know any to join
I went to a anime club meeting in aiea. I was very friendly and went around to different people and talked about anime, but the rest of the group was kinda cold but not in a rude way. They talked for about 2 minutes and then silence. I went around and introduced myself and people said hello, and welcome and went about their way. The head of the club did not introduce me or ask the others to introduce themselves. So when the anime started, 15 minutes in, I felt uncomfortable and me and my wife left.
I had a similar experience at the surf breaks I go to. Over time, once they see you will be around for a while and that you are real, the walls start coming down and people are happy to see you. Since I like to visit different breaks, I often get, "Haven't seen you in a while, thought you left." To which I respond, "Great to see you too, I just like to mix it up and ride different breaks every now and then, how you been?"
NOTE: I am talking about adults here. I don't interact with children or adult children very much.
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