Making new friends in Hawaii, it's harder than it looks! (Honolulu: transplants, real estate)

[Phanos9999]

Hawaii so far has been a blast I have to say !!! But............

One thing I will have to say about hawaii is that people are friendly here but it seems within limits. Perhaps it is due to my background on how I got here is why I feel alienated.... I am african american that is not military, while many african americans here are and live on base. It seems that african americans don't talk too much to transplants like myself and my wife. While locals here either think that we are military or tourists and don't talk to us or they find out how we got here and don't quite know how to peg us since very few people move here the way me and my wife did. Especially with our ethnic and geographic background....
As for money, home, living, job, etc. All of that is fine, I got a bump up in pay recently and my wife. I love jelly's comics here! I collect comics and I get great deals on rare stuff there since it seems many locals don't shop for comics, and dirt cheap too.
But, I truly do miss my friends and a few family, lol. Making friends here has not been easy for me and I have been here 7 months. Perhaps I just need to give it more time. I am a very outgoing person, but it's seems when they find out that I am not military or visiting and find out how I got here and live here then it let's play 50 questions! And it is never to get to know me, but usually to be nosy.
I am just asking guys.... (As Jack Nicholson once said) What if this is as good as it gets....

ALOHA!

[whtviper1]

Try Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup

There are varying meetups on a wide range of things like hiking, photography, restaurants, etc....find a couple of meet ups and you'll likely strike up some friendships.

[R_Cowgirl]

Despair not - a lot of times in small places like Hawaii people hold back for a little while till they know you are sticking around. A lot of people move there and then suddenly leave. So it's hard to make a new friend who moves in and then leaves after only a few months. I realize in other locales race may factor in, but really, in Hawaii if you are "salt of the earth" it doesn't matter what flavor you are. They may be curious about your background, but are too polite to pry. And what you call "nosy" may just be an island way of trying to "place" you... it's not a bad thing. They just want to know you are really here for good.

The meetups is a great idea - also Chamber of Commerce Events, Winners Circle, Professional Women's Network, Wine Tasting events, Best of Honolulu events, marathons, canoeing, kayaking, jogging around Kapiolani park, etc.

Go where people are and do activities that you love. You'll meet people that way. It's less threatening than just walking up to someone and shaking their hand.

I've moved a lot in my life and you are actually right on schedule. At about 7 months most people get a little jumpy in their new surroundings and worry about whether they made the right decision. Finding the right organization and the right sports that fit your interests will go a long way to finding people you can hang out with. It takes a little time, but it's rewarding. I lived there 30 years and have been gone 10, but every time I'm "home" I run into old and dear friends that still treat me like family.

So - what do you like to do for fun? What are you doing for work? If you give us a few hints, I'll bet some Hawaii people will be able to point you in the right direction.

Good luck!

[Becca8377]

Originally Posted by whtviper1

Try Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup

There are varying meetups on a wide range of things like hiking, photography, restaurants, etc....find a couple of meet ups and you'll likely strike up some friendships.

This. There are a ton of Meetup groups for you to choose from.

[OpenD]

As R_Cowgirl mentioned, people in Hawai'i are friendly, but it can be hard to make friends, yes. And I agree, it seems like that has something to do with the fact that so many people only stay a short time... a year or two is common. So there's a certain reserve in getting too attached until it looks like you're going to become a permanent fixture.

On the other hand, I'm not sure that's all of it. I've known a lot of people who have been in various temporary postings around the world who have had a wide range of experiences making friends... the full spectrum from easy to hard... so I think there's a cultural component too. The concept of ohana... extended family... runs so deep in Hawai'i that it colors everything, even real estate law! And ohana applies two ways. If you're in, you're in, even if you are only 3rd cousins, or were "adopted in" by a distant Auntie. But if you're not, you're not, and you don't get adopted easily or quickly, and family is more important than friendship, so real friendship can be slow to gel.

As for the nosiness, that seems to be part of the culture too... for good or for bad! Not to mention that gossip is the rule, yes. The "coconut network" is alive and well and busy as ever. People really do like to "talk story" in Hawai'i, much more than in many other places I've lived. It can be a little crazy-making sometimes, especially in a small community, because the story people are talking about you isn't always what you might like it to be.

Yes, finding affinity groups you can just hang with is a good move. And getting involved in community activities is also helpful. I found my relationship with my neighbors improved noticeably after I volunteered as a cook and server at the Thanksgiving Dinner at my local Community Center.

But stay open and friendly yourself and it will come in time.

Good luck!

[Sound Guy]

Hang in there, i've been there and I can tell you (we have more in common than you think) it does get better. Just remember not all people (african american... black, or whomever) are willing to let their guard down, based on stereotypes, perceptions or other stigmas. If you embrace your community, your community will embrace you.

[hotzcatz]

As has been noted, folks are waiting to see if you will stick around. It's really hard to get to be friends with someone and then have them leave. Once you are part of an ohana, though, then you'll be accepted more readily. However, you have to be part of an ohana. That means you are actually a part of the group, not just a casual observer. You help the group when they need help, you show up for whatever activities they have, you bring potluck and wash the dishes afterwards. You interact with them and they interact with you. It's a commitment thing, not just a want to be sort of thing. If you are truly part of the group, then you're as good as family. Of course, with any family, there is hierarchy involved. First born usually has priority over cousins, etc. But, once you are part of the family, they take care of each other. But, again, it's a two way street.

[CyberCity]

As has been said, many folks hold off before making close friendships to see just how long the newcomer will stay. Don't take it personally.

As for the "50 questions", if you were able to answer "what school you grad?", then you'd not have the other 49 questions. Except for questions then figuring out how you were related.

[Dreads0518]

Well.............. thats a tough one.
Im AA, and I lived on Oahu for 20 yrs before moving back to the mainland.
Like stated above its more about Ohana, than it is friendship.
First thing you need to do is "Forget" about what you done, where you came from.
Most true "locals" really don't care about what you did on the mainland.
Hawaii has a different culture, and if you don't become a part of that culture, then your an outsider.
That means sometimes you gotta try something that you wouldn't normally try. (clothes, food, places, people, etc, etc.)
For me it was easy because I embraced the entire Hawaiian culture with open arms, and within a few years no one could even tell I wasn't from Hawaii. But I was the "strange" one when I moved back to the mainland.
I married Local and my kids were born in the Queens Medical Center. So I have family and very close friends in Hawaii.
If you have any more questions, feel free to message me.

Hope this helps.

[laughing traveler]

Join some clubs. Do you like orchids or bromeliads. Like sculpting trees, do bonsai. Try karate. Get involved with the arts. Do some sort of volunteer work.

enjoy~