Know How To Be an Ohioan (Toledo, Canton: home, buy, high school)

[mike1003]

After a lifetime of living in Ohio, I know how to be an Ohioan. While I
was learning, written guidelines would have been helpful. So I'm passing
on some to you written by someone with much less time here to assist
others:

1. Know the State casserole. The State casserole consists of canned green
beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely
take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon
in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of
concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at lift-off.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort to
grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring
every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
dedicated to food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Maple syrup, Beavercreek loves
popcorn, Waynesville adores sauerkraut, Troy delights in Strawberries,
Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration, Circleville has a pumpkin festival,
Reynoldsburg has the Tomato Festival, Jackson has an apple festival,
Deerfield has an apple butter festival, Rio Grande has the farm festival,
and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has recently introduced the
Triglyceride and Low-density Lipoprotein Festival. In addition to
festivals, each county has a fair. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend
these festivals/fairs and at least buy an elephant ear. Don't forget the
Port Clinton Walleye Festival!

3. Get to know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans
who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance
from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to
Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to
retired Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be
the Lower Peninsula of Ohio.

4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of
seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.

5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like
days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of
providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For
these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering,
however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia
and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their
layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below regular
Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no counterpart to the
west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign capital... Lima or
Berlin or Louisville, for example......you must not pronounce it that way
lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru,
but LYE-ma as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not ber-LIN, like in Germany.
Louisville in Ohio is pronounced Looisville, not looeyville as in
Kentucky.

7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle
differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark
at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch derives from
its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for
topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely
to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.

8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be
knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high school.
The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot
quarterback at Canton-McKinley High School, but also what college he's
interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what
he got on his biology quiz last week.

9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we do
embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you
see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
undercoated to guard against rust.

10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish"
to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the
existence of Amish moo shu pork.

11. Know the local celebrities who are/were Ohioans - Clark Gable, Cadiz
(KA-diz - again, not like the city in Spain - (ka-DEES); Dean Martin,
Steubenville; Robert Urich, Toronto; Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy's),
Dublin; Toni Morrison; Phyllis Diller; Bob Hope; Elliot Ness; Orville and
Wilbur Wright - and many others.

12. Know that Ohio has been home to more Presidents than any other state
except Virginia. Ohio and Virginia are currently tied.

13. Be able to properly pronounce the unusual names of counties and cities
like Tuscarawras County, Guernsey County, Gnaddenhuten, Bellefontaine,
Cuyahoga County, and Geauga County . And don't forget the Scioto and
Olentangy rivers.

I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me
know and I will bring green bean casserole to your home to make amends.

[ZnGuy]

Originally Posted by mike1003

After a lifetime of living in Ohio, I know how to be an Ohioan. While I
was learning, written guidelines would have been helpful. So I'm passing
on some to you written by someone with much less time here to assist
others:

1. Know the State casserole. The State casserole consists of canned green
beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely
take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon
in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of
concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at lift-off.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort to
grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring
every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year
dedicated to food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Maple syrup, Beavercreek loves
popcorn, Waynesville adores sauerkraut, Troy delights in Strawberries,
Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration, Circleville has a pumpkin festival,
Reynoldsburg has the Tomato Festival, Jackson has an apple festival,
Deerfield has an apple butter festival, Rio Grande has the farm festival,
and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has recently introduced the
Triglyceride and Low-density Lipoprotein Festival. In addition to
festivals, each county has a fair. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend
these festivals/fairs and at least buy an elephant ear. Don't forget the
Port Clinton Walleye Festival!

3. Get to know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans
who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance
from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to
Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to
retired Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be
the Lower Peninsula of Ohio.

4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state
excuse, which is that you stay here because you like the change of
seasons. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.

5. Speaking of Ohio weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember
about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring-like
days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of
providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For
these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering,
however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia
and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their
layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

6. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below regular
Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no counterpart to the
west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign capital... Lima or
Berlin or Louisville, for example......you must not pronounce it that way
lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru,
but LYE-ma as in bean, and it's BER-lin, not ber-LIN, like in Germany.
Louisville in Ohio is pronounced Looisville, not looeyville as in
Kentucky.

7. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle
differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark
at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch derives from
its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for
topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely
to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.

8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be
knowledgeable on three levels -- professional, college and high school.
The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot
quarterback at Canton-McKinley High School, but also what college he's
interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what
he got on his biology quiz last week.

9. Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we do
embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you
see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it
undercoated to guard against rust.

10. The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish"
to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the
existence of Amish moo shu pork.

11. Know the local celebrities who are/were Ohioans - Clark Gable, Cadiz
(KA-diz - again, not like the city in Spain - (ka-DEES); Dean Martin,
Steubenville; Robert Urich, Toronto; Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy's),
Dublin; Toni Morrison; Phyllis Diller; Bob Hope; Elliot Ness; Orville and
Wilbur Wright - and many others.

12. Know that Ohio has been home to more Presidents than any other state
except Virginia. Ohio and Virginia are currently tied.

13. Be able to properly pronounce the unusual names of counties and cities
like Tuscarawras County, Guernsey County, Gnaddenhuten, Bellefontaine,
Cuyahoga County, and Geauga County . And don't forget the Scioto and
Olentangy rivers.

I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me
know and I will bring green bean casserole to your home to make amends.

^Good stuff..by the way I demand double hammered hardwood mulch down here in pine needle country...and I am one of those that prefer three seasons

[jbcmh81]

I hate green bean casserole.

I've never known any Ohioans that wintered in Florida that were under 65 years old.

Circleville got its name from an ancient circular Native American mound. The town was built in a circular pattern around it, and a few buildings still have circular walls in spots. It was only squared after the circular layout proved annoying to everyone involved... and the mound was long gone anyway.

I don't know anything about mulch other than that it comes in different colors. I couldn't tell you why or how that makes any difference other than aesthetics.

I've never found Ohioans to be particularly obsessive about sports, at least in comparison to people elsewhere.

[bjimmy24]

ummm I'm not from the country and I'm not over 50. Pass.

[Vegabern]

As someone who was born and raised in Ohio, I'm offended by the omission of candy buckeyes.

[SWOH]

Nice tongue-in-cheek post, mike1003!

I particularly like the state casserole bit. Although now I think I'm offended, which if I read your post correctly, means you have to being me some state casserole haha. I could use a good helping on a night like this.

[L0ve]

Omg, did you write this? Classic!

Born and raised there and every single line rang true. I just had to read this to my husband out loud and we both got a huge laugh.

I agree with the above poster who is offended that chocolate buckeyes were not mentioned; he deserves a green bean casserole.

Oh, and don't forget Trail Bologna.

[sheena12]

I'm new to Ohio, but I found this hysterically funny! Thanks for the laughs!

[Natural510]

My mother made green bean casserole when I was a kid, exactly as the OP described. I had no idea it was a state-wide phenomenon.

[Cleverfield]

I don't really agree with a lot of the things he listed. I have lived in Ohio all my life and I had no idea we had a state Casserole, I don't care about mulch, or college sports, or high school sports. I guess I'm not a good Ohioan.