04-20-2009, 11:45 AM
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Hi, I'll start off saying we both feel like the luckiest people on the planet to have found each other. And want to work through this.
Currently we are living in Orange County, which we both agree to not raise kids in-but we just don't know where to go. The problem is this, he is born and raised on the water in orange county, loves to surf, play beach volleyball, etc (he does like to ski too) and I am from the east coast (I am also outdoorsy but can handle snow). I left Boston 5 years ago to live in Colorado (which I LOVE), than moved to Orange county for my-now Fiance. I'm having stronger feelings about being near family (could be anywhere on the east coast) but he is reluctant to try it. We are both flexible work wise. Any advice?
I'm getting to the point where it feels like I'm giving up my family to be with the love of my life in a place I hate OR live near my family in a place I like but without the love of my life. I'm trying to plan a wedding but I feel like this is a large speed bump to get over first.
04-20-2009, 05:13 PM
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This sounds more like a question or Dr. Laura than City Data. If he's really a beach person, he's not going to be happy away from the beach.
04-20-2009, 06:05 PM
Location: Apple Valley Calif
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Spouse comes before family. Once married, your spouse is your new, immediate family and therefor comes first. If you can't live without your family, don't get married...
You can get on an airplane and visit your family. Don't try that with a spouse if you want to stay married....
04-20-2009, 10:42 PM
Location: Anchorage, AK to SoCal to Missoula, MT
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Excellent advice given above.
04-20-2009, 11:27 PM
Location: Hollywood North
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I think you would have more luck posting this in the relationship forum. This doesn't really have anything to do with OC specifically. That being said, I agree with the other posters. I am a water person and I moved away from the coast with my wife to Calgary, which is 600 miles away from the Ocean...I hated it. I missed the ocean so badly! Thankfully my wife didn't like it there either even though her family was there. We hightailed it back to the coast and I will never again consider being landlocked. I think one of you is going to have to comprimise...tough choices. If you don't like OC what about San Diego? I prefer SD to OC.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
04-21-2009, 01:59 AM
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I am in your same situation - Wife wants to stay in OC (difference from you - her family is here) and I - a native east coaster & general gypsie wanderer-would love to leave. I moved here a dozen years ago to date her and we got hitched, been married for 10+ years. I've never lived in one place longer then I have here, but it still does not feel like home. About 5 years ago I realized I was done w/ Socal & OC. Despite that I am still here. Why? I love my wife and she would not be happy anywhere else. So I suck it up, pay an outrageous mortgage for a too small house, pay the high taxes, sit in the traffic, roll my eyes at the vapidness and materiealism I am surrounded by and try to sheild my kids from it. All for her. At the end of the day she is my wife and #1 priority so I pay the money, bite my tongue and keep on keepin on. Happy wife = happy life.
My advice to you: If you can't handle staying here and bear the seperation from family for him (and it ain't easy, let me tell you), either get his agreement to move in x time or break it off. Your post mentioned you agree you don't want to raise kids in the OC (Wise position, BTW). If this is so & you are planning on having kids, agree to move when they come then you ride it out til then. Everytime in life is a season. Assuming you can afford the higher COL here, spending the DINK season of life in the OC is'nt half bad.
Once the kids come head back east to your family and support system. As far as where to go, if you are open to the entire east coast anything along the atlantic seaboard south of the Mason-Dixon ought to be an easier transition for him. There are many nice places to live with temperate weather w/in a 2 hour drive of the shore. He'll just have to learn to handle the humidity. Given the better quality of the pople there, its still an upgrade from OC. You can then introduce him to the finer pleasures of the summer beachhouse ritual, how to appreciate fall colors and how to handle four seasons.
04-21-2009, 02:14 AM
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aww the joys of serious relationships. Suddenly you have to start thinking about two people instead of just yourself.
Good luck with it, none the less.
04-21-2009, 09:31 AM
Location: Grosse Ile Michigan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
Donn2390
Spouse comes before family. Once married, your spouse is your new, immediate family and therefor comes first. If you can't live without your family, don't get married...
You can get on an airplane and visit your family. Don't try that with a spouse if you want to stay married....
This was our thought when we moved to California from Michigin. The problem is that it just not happen very often. The first year, we went back half a dozen times. The second year, we went back twice, maybe three times. After that it was usually once a year and some years we did not get back at all. Once we had kids, it got very difficult and very expensive to go back. Sometimes only part of the family woudl go back for a visit.
With my family in Michgian and her parents near Boston, we would use up all of our vacation time visiting and most of that time was spent driving (fly to Michigan, drive to Boston, drive back to Michigan, fly back to CA). We never had a vacation, just visits. When we visited we usually had 7-10 days. We lost two days to flying and two to four days to driving.
At first, our family members came out to CA in droves. Everyone wanted to visit. Orange County is a wonderful place to visit and people wanted to come out. Once they had been to all the attractions however the desire died off. My parents and siblings are not travellers, so they rarely came out. Most only visited once or twice in 18 years. Her parents came out for every Christmas and when each child was born.
Her siblings visisted several times (one of them) or once.
One day we were looking through a scrapbook with our youngest children. Only one of the three could identify Grandma, Grandpa, Grammy and Grampy correctly. None of them could identify my brothers or sister. One thought that their cousin might be Grandma. Our older kids could identify grandparents and aunt and uncles, but knew nothing about any of them. That was a breaking point. I realized that my parents were likely to dies without my childeren ever really knowing them.
Grandpa really lit up every time we visited. He got really scarily depressed when we left. My siblings would tell me how he would re-tell every event that happened and everything that any of the grandchildren said for months after we left. It made me want to cry.
Finally, we could not take it anymore and moved back. I still commute back to Californa for work when necessary. Grandpa and Grandma are very happy. My children know more about my mother than I do. They sit at her feet for hours and learn to knit, or just listen to her stories about the past. I do nto know what all they talk about, but we can leave them there for a weekend and as far as I can tell the girls just sit at grandmas feet and talk the entire time. (The boys are different, the like to play pool most of the time that they are there).
I spend a lot of time wishing that we had moved earlier. I regret depriving my parents of the joy of our children as babies. I regret not having my brothers and sister as a bigger part of their young lives.
My wife is thrilled how wonderful it is to have the support and assistance of family when it is needed with the children. She regrets that she did nto have that kind of support earlier. My young son and my older brother are now pretty much best friends.
If my parents had died before we moved back, I would have been riddled with guilt forever.
You have to determine your prioirities and if your family is a high prioirty, you need to tell your spouse to be that you need to move back. If family is that important to you then it is part of who you are. If he cannot accept you as a whole package, then you need to decide whether the marraige is really right. It woudl be far worse to marry, have children and then have this crises. You need to resolve this now before you get married. Do not think that it will be ok to marry and then try to change him later. It may well be that he will change once you have kids. WHen I first moved ot OC, nothing would have caused me to move away. After 18 years and 5 kids, I was somewhat happy to leave (not entirely, but somewhat). Howevr you cannot count on that. This could become a mjor crises in your marriage or a huge regret in your life.
My 2 cents is that is is far better to have your family around and have their support for your children on a daily basis and then go visit Orange COunty when you are on vacation and have liesure time, than it is to live in Orange county (where you will not get to enjoy it all that often since you will be busy with your life) and see your family only once a year. However everyone id different.
Think deeply. You both have tough choices.
BTW we also agreed that So Cal. is not a good place to raise children. that was another incentive to move. Alghouth I sometimes have regrets about moving, we were dead right about wanting a more wholesome atmosphere to raise our kids.
04-21-2009, 10:15 AM
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Reputation: 10
Coldjensens and OC Investor2, thank you so so so much for your stories and advice. Fortunately my fiance and I have very open communication so he knows my thoughts. Family is a HUGE part of ME. I wish I could say that I'd be happy on the west coast seeing them twice a year, but I know that I won't be. I already miss them a ton, I cannot imagine having babies and living far away. I am extremely fortunate to have a close family who all want to be around each other (not every day, but just on a more regular basis) and he just doesn't have that connection to his family. I like the idea of the Carolinas or someplace on the east coast that is still warm and beachy (for volleyball and surfing) but not so far away. Its refreshing to hear about other people who have been/are in similar situations because I don't know anyone who has. It is so sad to think about leaving the love of your life to be near family but I just can't imagine a life without them, does that make me immature or just a family person?
I really appreciate your reassurance on bringing up kids in the OC as well, I just can't take the materialism and in the two years I have lived there I have made very few friends which is unusual for me.
Thank you
04-24-2009, 12:44 PM
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,338 posts, read
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
Michamee
It is so sad to think about leaving the love of your life to be near family but I just can't imagine a life without them,
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1996 Presidential Elections Results (%) - Democratic Party (Clinton)
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1996 Presidential Elections Results (%) - Other
2000 Presidential Elections Results (%) - Democratic Party (Gore)
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Geographical mobility - Same house 1 year ago (%)
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Working at home (%)
Industry diversity
Most Common Industries - Agriculture, forestry, fishing and hunting, and mining (%)
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Most Common Occupations - Building and grounds cleaning and maintenance occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Personal care and service occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Sales and office occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Sales and related occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Office and administrative support occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Natural resources, construction, and maintenance occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Farming, fishing, and forestry occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Construction and extraction occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Installation, maintenance, and repair occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Production, transportation, and material moving occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Production occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Transportation occupations (%)
Most Common Occupations - Material moving occupations (%)
People in Group quarters - Institutionalized population (%)
People in Group quarters - Correctional institutions (%)
People in Group quarters - Federal prisons and detention centers (%)
People in Group quarters - Halfway houses (%)
People in Group quarters - Local jails and other confinement facilities (including police lockups) (%)
People in Group quarters - Military disciplinary barracks (%)
People in Group quarters - State prisons (%)
People in Group quarters - Other types of correctional institutions (%)
People in Group quarters - Nursing homes (%)
People in Group quarters - Hospitals/wards, hospices, and schools for the handicapped (%)
People in Group quarters - Hospitals/wards and hospices for chronically ill (%)
People in Group quarters - Hospices or homes for chronically ill (%)
People in Group quarters - Military hospitals or wards for chronically ill (%)
People in Group quarters - Other hospitals or wards for chronically ill (%)
People in Group quarters - Hospitals or wards for drug/alcohol abuse (%)
People in Group quarters - Mental (Psychiatric) hospitals or wards (%)
People in Group quarters - Schools, hospitals, or wards for the mentally retarded (%)
People in Group quarters - Schools, hospitals, or wards for the physically handicapped (%)
People in Group quarters - Institutions for the deaf (%)
People in Group quarters - Institutions for the blind (%)
People in Group quarters - Orthopedic wards and institutions for the physically handicapped (%)
People in Group quarters - Wards in general hospitals for patients who have no usual home elsewhere (%)
People in Group quarters - Wards in military hospitals for patients who have no usual home elsewhere (%)
People in Group quarters - Juvenile institutions (%)
People in Group quarters - Long-term care (%)
People in Group quarters - Homes for abused, dependent, and neglected children (%)
People in Group quarters - Residential treatment centers for emotionally disturbed children (%)
People in Group quarters - Training schools for juvenile delinquents (%)
People in Group quarters - Short-term care, detention or diagnostic centers for delinquent children (%)
People in Group quarters - Type of juvenile institution unknown (%)
People in Group quarters - Noninstitutionalized population (%)
People in Group quarters - College dormitories (includes college quarters off campus) (%)
People in Group quarters - Military quarters (%)
People in Group quarters - On base (%)
People in Group quarters - Barracks, unaccompanied personnel housing (UPH), (Enlisted/Officer), ;and similar group living quarters for military personnel (%)
People in Group quarters - Transient quarters for temporary residents (%)
People in Group quarters - Military ships (%)
People in Group quarters - Group homes (%)
People in Group quarters - Homes or halfway houses for drug/alcohol abuse (%)
People in Group quarters - Homes for the mentally ill (%)
People in Group quarters - Homes for the mentally retarded (%)
People in Group quarters - Homes for the physically handicapped (%)
People in Group quarters - Other group homes (%)
People in Group quarters - Religious group quarters (%)
People in Group quarters - Dormitories (%)
People in Group quarters - Agriculture workers' dormitories on farms (%)
People in Group quarters - Job Corps and vocational training facilities (%)
People in Group quarters - Other workers' dormitories (%)
People in Group quarters - Crews of maritime vessels (%)
People in Group quarters - Other nonhousehold living situations (%)
People in Group quarters - Other noninstitutional group quarters (%)
Residents speaking English at home (%)
Residents speaking English at home - Born in the United States (%)
Residents speaking English at home - Native, born elsewhere (%)
Residents speaking English at home - Foreign born (%)
Residents speaking Spanish at home (%)
Residents speaking Spanish at home - Born in the United States (%)
Residents speaking Spanish at home - Native, born elsewhere (%)
Residents speaking Spanish at home - Foreign born (%)
Residents speaking other language at home (%)
Residents speaking other language at home - Born in the United States (%)
Residents speaking other language at home - Native, born elsewhere (%)
Residents speaking other language at home - Foreign born (%)
Class of Workers - Employee of private company (%)
Class of Workers - Self-employed in own incorporated business (%)
Class of Workers - Private not-for-profit wage and salary workers (%)
Class of Workers - Local government workers (%)
Class of Workers - State government workers (%)
Class of Workers - Federal government workers (%)
Class of Workers - Self-employed workers in own not incorporated business and Unpaid family workers (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Utility gas (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Bottled, tank, or LP gas (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Electricity (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Fuel oil, kerosene, etc. (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Coal or coke (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Wood (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Solar energy (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - Other fuel (%)
House heating fuel used in houses and condos - No fuel used (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Utility gas (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Bottled, tank, or LP gas (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Electricity (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Fuel oil, kerosene, etc. (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Coal or coke (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Wood (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Solar energy (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - Other fuel (%)
House heating fuel used in apartments - No fuel used (%)
Armed forces status - In Armed Forces (%)
Armed forces status - Civilian (%)
Armed forces status - Civilian - Veteran (%)
Armed forces status - Civilian - Nonveteran (%)
Fatal accidents locations in years 2005-2021
Fatal accidents locations in 2005
Fatal accidents locations in 2006
Fatal accidents locations in 2007
Fatal accidents locations in 2008
Fatal accidents locations in 2009
Fatal accidents locations in 2010
Fatal accidents locations in 2011
Fatal accidents locations in 2012
Fatal accidents locations in 2013
Fatal accidents locations in 2014
Fatal accidents locations in 2015
Fatal accidents locations in 2016
Fatal accidents locations in 2017
Fatal accidents locations in 2018
Fatal accidents locations in 2019
Fatal accidents locations in 2020
Fatal accidents locations in 2021
Alcohol use - People drinking some alcohol every month (%)
Alcohol use - People not drinking at all (%)
Alcohol use - Average days/month drinking alcohol
Alcohol use - Average drinks/week
Alcohol use - Average days/year people drink much
Audiometry - Average condition of hearing (%)
Audiometry - People that can hear a whisper from across a quiet room (%)
Audiometry - People that can hear normal voice from across a quiet room (%)
Audiometry - Ears ringing, roaring, buzzing (%)
Audiometry - Had a job exposure to loud noise (%)
Audiometry - Had off-work exposure to loud noise (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Has high blood pressure (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Checking blood pressure at home (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Frequently checking blood cholesterol (%)
Blood Pressure & Cholesterol - Has high cholesterol level (%)
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on food at supermarket/grocery store
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on food at other stores
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on eating out
Consumer Behavior - Money monthly spent on carryout/delivered foods
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on food at supermarket/grocery store (%)
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on food at other stores (%)
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on eating out (%)
Consumer Behavior - Income spent on carryout/delivered foods (%)
Current Health Status - General health condition (%)
Current Health Status - Blood donors (%)
Current Health Status - Has blood ever tested for HIV virus (%)
Current Health Status - Left-handed people (%)
Dermatology - People using sunscreen (%)
Diabetes - Diabetics (%)
Diabetes - Had a blood test for high blood sugar (%)
Diabetes - People taking insulin (%)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Diet health (%)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Milk product consumption (# of products/month)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Meals not home prepared (#/week)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Meals from fast food or pizza place (#/week)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Ready-to-eat foods (#/month)
Diet Behavior & Nutrition - Frozen meals/pizza (#/month)
Drug Use - People that ever used marijuana or hashish (%)
Drug Use - Ever used hard drugs (%)
Drug Use - Ever used any form of cocaine (%)
Drug Use - Ever used heroin (%)
Drug Use - Ever used methamphetamine (%)
Health Insurance - People covered by health insurance (%)
Kidney Conditions-Urology - Avg. # of times urinating at night
Medical Conditions - People with asthma (%)
Medical Conditions - People with anemia (%)
Medical Conditions - People with psoriasis (%)
Medical Conditions - People with overweight (%)
Medical Conditions - Elderly people having difficulties in thinking or remembering (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever received blood transfusion (%)
Medical Conditions - People having trouble seeing even with glass/contacts (%)
Medical Conditions - People with arthritis (%)
Medical Conditions - People with gout (%)
Medical Conditions - People with congestive heart failure (%)
Medical Conditions - People with coronary heart disease (%)
Medical Conditions - People with angina pectoris (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever had heart attack (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever had stroke (%)
Medical Conditions - People with emphysema (%)
Medical Conditions - People with thyroid problem (%)
Medical Conditions - People with chronic bronchitis (%)
Medical Conditions - People with any liver condition (%)
Medical Conditions - People who ever had cancer or malignancy (%)
Mental Health - People who have little interest in doing things (%)
Mental Health - People feeling down, depressed, or hopeless (%)
Mental Health - People who have trouble sleeping or sleeping too much (%)
Mental Health - People feeling tired or having little energy (%)
Mental Health - People with poor appetite or overeating (%)
Mental Health - People feeling bad about themself (%)
Mental Health - People who have trouble concentrating on things (%)
Mental Health - People moving or speaking slowly or too fast (%)
Mental Health - People having thoughts they would be better off dead (%)
Oral Health - Average years since last visit a dentist
Oral Health - People embarrassed because of mouth (%)
Oral Health - People with gum disease (%)
Oral Health - General health of teeth and gums (%)
Oral Health - Average days a week using dental floss/device
Oral Health - Average days a week using mouthwash for dental problem
Oral Health - Average number of teeth
Pesticide Use - Households using pesticides to control insects (%)
Pesticide Use - Households using pesticides to kill weeds (%)
Physical Activity - People doing vigorous-intensity work activities (%)
Physical Activity - People doing moderate-intensity work activities (%)
Physical Activity - People walking or bicycling (%)
Physical Activity - People doing vigorous-intensity recreational activities (%)
Physical Activity - People doing moderate-intensity recreational activities (%)
Physical Activity - Average hours a day doing sedentary activities
Physical Activity - Average hours a day watching TV or videos
Physical Activity - Average hours a day using computer
Physical Functioning - People having limitations keeping them from working (%)
Physical Functioning - People limited in amount of work they can do (%)
Physical Functioning - People that need special equipment to walk (%)
Physical Functioning - People experiencing confusion/memory problems (%)
Physical Functioning - People requiring special healthcare equipment (%)
Prescription Medications - Average number of prescription medicines taking
Preventive Aspirin Use - Adults 40+ taking low-dose aspirin (%)
Reproductive Health - Vaginal deliveries (%)
Reproductive Health - Cesarean deliveries (%)
Reproductive Health - Deliveries resulted in a live birth (%)
Reproductive Health - Pregnancies resulted in a delivery (%)
Reproductive Health - Women breastfeeding newborns (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that had a hysterectomy (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that had both ovaries removed (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that have ever taken birth control pills (%)
Reproductive Health - Women taking birth control pills (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that have ever used Depo-Provera or injectables (%)
Reproductive Health - Women that have ever used female hormones (%)
Sexual Behavior - People 18+ that ever had sex (vaginal, anal, or oral) (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever had vaginal sex with a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever performed oral sex on a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever had anal sex with a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Males 18+ that ever had any sex with a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever had vaginal sex with a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever performed oral sex on a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever had anal sex with a man (%)
Sexual Behavior - Females 18+ that ever had any kind of sex with a woman (%)
Sexual Behavior - Average age people first had sex
Sexual Behavior - Average number of female sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of female vaginal sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average age people first performed oral sex on a woman (18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of woman performed oral sex on in lifetime (18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male anal sex partners in lifetime (males 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average age people first performed oral sex on a man (18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male oral sex partners in lifetime (18+)
Sexual Behavior - People using protection when performing oral sex (%)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of times people have vaginal or anal sex a year
Sexual Behavior - People having sex without condom (%)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male sex partners in lifetime (females 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of male vaginal sex partners in lifetime (females 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Average number of female sex partners in lifetime (females 18+)
Sexual Behavior - Circumcised males 18+ (%)
Sleep Disorders - Average hours sleeping at night
Sleep Disorders - People that has trouble sleeping (%)
Smoking-Cigarette Use - People smoking cigarettes (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ having problems with smell (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ having problems with taste (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had wisdom teeth removed (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had tonsils teeth removed (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had a loss of consciousness because of a head injury (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had a broken nose or other serious injury to face or skull (%)
Taste & Smell - People 40+ that ever had two or more sinus infections (%)
Weight - Average height (inches)
Weight - Average weight (pounds)
Weight - Average BMI
Weight - People that are obese (%)
Weight - People that ever were obese (%)
Weight - People trying to lose weight (%)