10 Reasons Why Orlando Is Not As Great as You Think...(satire) (Tampa: apartment, rent)

[DavieJ89]

This post is meant to be satirical and not to be taken too seriously so don't get offended. I love this city just as much is a lot of the other regular posters here

10 reasons why Orlando is not as great as you think it is...

First of all I want to start this article by saying that I love the city of Orlando and while this article is to be considered humorous satire there is some truth to some of it and anybody considering moving here should read this...

1) people who live in Orlando don't spend all their time at the theme parks... To longtime residents of this wonderful city the theme parks are merely a place that we only visit when relatives come to town. Because going to the theme parks can be a real chore, I mean seriously who the hell wants to spend 45 minutes driving from Waterford Lakes to Walt Disney World and be surrounded by tens of thousands of Brazilian tourists in rented Dodge Caravans who have no idea where the heck they're going, while going 51 mph in the left lane on I-4 and cutting across four lanes of traffic so they don't miss their exit nearly causing a huge accident. And besides unless you work at one of them, you can't afford $100 for a ticket since your new job only pays $8 an hour and the rent on your 1 bedroom apartment is over $1000 a month. Unless you know somebody who works there, or you do yourself, you can't afford it

2) Traffic sucks...sometimes. I'll start this one on a positive note saying that with my personal experiences more often than not I usually get wherever I need to go within a reasonable amount of time. But if I need to use I-4 during rush hour? Fat chance. This is the city with 4 separate rush hours every single day. If you live on the south side of Orlando like I do you have congestion on I-4 eastbound going towards downtown where locals are going to work... Yet westbound you have congestion going towards all the theme parks with all the Tourists wanting to have fun for the day... And vice versa for the evening rush-hour... And locals let's face it both the city and county commissioners have been apathetic In keeping up with the development of our roads... A lot of the current improvement projects they're working on should've been done at least 10 years ago if not more... And at the rate people are moving here Orlando will probably have LA like congestion in 15 years...probably much less

3) Public transportation here sucks... Last year we got an additional public transit option with Sunrail which is definitely great... However sun rail only runs along old rail tracks already in place, and it only exists primarily for the people who commute to work downtown to relieve congestion on I-4 which hasn't actually helped. And the service is very limited... It stops running after 11 PM and there's no service on weekends at all. You want to go out on a Saturday night and not get a DUI by taking the train? Looks like you're spending the night at 33rd St. jail pal, don't drop the soap or Bubba is gonna getcha. Let's not forget the embarrassing mugshot of you crying your eyes out which will be posted on WFTV or WESH 2's websites for all your friends, co-workers, and your boss to laugh at, time to file for unemployment too

4) In Orlando the car is king! This is a continuation of number 3 above. While you CAN survive in this town without a car (and at $8 an hour and $1000 for your rent you can't afford one anyways) I strongly recommend finding a 2nd job so you can keep your car. Bus service here is also very limited... With the majority of routes only running every 30 to 60 minutes that are never on time anyway...and since they're so many low wage jobs here, the buses are often packed with dirty, smelly, and even crazy people. Looks like you're going to have to save money for a taxi it for that Friday night you wanna hit the town... But good luck paying your rent your bills or buying food after that ridiculously high cab fare. And since Orlando is such a spread out suburban city... It can take up to three hours just to get whatever you want to go on the bus. It might be time to invest in an e-pass as well... And to top that out if you have a Sunday off and want to go somewhere forget it... Two thirds of all the bus routes in Orlando don't even run on Sunday

5) Summer seems to last forever...and ever...According to Wikipedia, Central Florida is in a transitional zone between tropical and subtropical climates... While we do have some very cold days (by that I mean where the high temp for the day is 65) most months out of the year the high temperature is often 85° or higher, with downright oppressive humidity that makes it feel like you live in a sauna. Sure you can wear white shirts to better reflect the heat off of your body... But your sweat will eventually ruin them and turn them yellow and no amount of Clorox will be able to bleach them back to normal

6) Its expensive as hell to travel anywhere... One of the major drawbacks of living here is having to pay so much more money for an airfare to fly home to visit family simply because you live in the Number one tourist destination on earth... You could drive down to Tampa and fly out of there and still spend less money on a flight then you wouldn't flying out of OIA... That is of course if your menial minimum-wage job gives you any sort of vacation time

7) Suburban sprawl...Orlando is the epitome of cookie-cutter subdivisions, Strip malls, corporate fast food chains, among other things. It is not uncommon to drive 30+ miles and still be in Orange County... And with all these tolls you'll probably spend $10 round-trip for it drive to UCF from Hunter's Creek via the 417. D Orlando metro area is 4000 mi.² or a little bit smaller than the state of Connecticut yet only 2 million people live here

8) Orlando is still the south. Granted while the city has grown a lot bigger and more diverse in terms of demographics, there are still a lot of confederate flags, lifted Dodge Rams, muddling trucks in Bithlo, & corn mazes in Zellwood to make Orlando a redneck's paradise. Bithlo could perhaps be the redneck capital of America, it's so bad that it's quality of life has been compared to that of 3rd world countries....yet you still can't help but crank up Alan Jackson, Brooks and Dunn, or Zac Brown's "Chicken Fried" as you pass through any of Orlando's rural areas

9) The adult entertainment stinks... I won't go too much into the subject but if you want to have a night of drunken debauchery with your buddies you're better off going to Tampa...

10) In spite of the drawbacks, and complaints about how it's better "back home" you're still here. Sure your life might not be perfect, but given enough time you'll have made some good friends and plenty of good memories, and with all the entertainment dining and cultural options that the city has to offer, with a growing list of them every single day. Orlando truly is becoming a great city a place for people to call home

[Arcenal813]

HAHA! I had a good time reading this! Well done!

[Crane's Rooster]

Good to see ya back Davie. No. 1 is spot on.

[EditorJul]

*grin* Yeah, we don't spend all of our time at the theme parks… right now we're at 2-3 days per week, plus maybe one other meal out there. Love the list, though!

[PDF]

All the reasons listed are largely situational, even if it's meant to be funny. If you are stuck in a menial low wage job, then yeah of course you are gonna have a hard time making it. But that's anywhere.

[bmw335xi]

Satire to me is usually quite funny, slap-stick etc... But this honestly sounds like a rant about the grass must be greener somewhere else. For example, a normal person knows when they are reading or watching satire without the author having to tell the reader before hand. However, if you didn't state this is meant to be satire, it really is no different than the many rants we see pop up here on city-data.

An example would be... "1) Orlando is the entertainment capital of the US! We have the most theme parks in the country. Locals are incredibly lucky to have these world class venues where they can wait up to 3 hours baking in line so they can enjoy a 60 second experience. Don't forget to indulge in the world showcase in Epcot Center, where you sample the culturual frozen tv dinners from countries around the world for only $20 per person."

I don't know, that's not vey good, but basically making a claim then making the reasoning behind it being the exact opposite. That's what satire is to me anyways.

[DavieJ89]

It's a rant in some ways or another... You have to remember my sense of humor is quite cynical, and I also called satire because a lot of the stuff I said is true to a certain extent but I grossly over exaggerated (the $1000 apartment, there only being $8 an hour jobs)