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Old 09-03-2007, 08:08 PM
Location: If liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun.
2,314 posts, read 5,857,603 times
Reputation: 4443


This is a true story. I foumd it on the web and we all know everything on the web is true.

The Pregnant Hamster

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He is just lying there looking sick", he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.) "Honey", I called, "come look at the hamster!"

"Oh, my gosh", my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?!" "I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed.

"Well, it s just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know" she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience" I announced. We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

We don't appear to be making much progress, I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know, "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let s get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don t think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and
Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."


"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... er.... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I m saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie s just...just...Excited?" My wife offered.

"Exactly", the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. In addition, giggled then even laugh loudly.

"What s so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I m picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little...", she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough", I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie s really thankful for what you've done, Dad", he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea", my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.
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Old 09-03-2007, 10:58 PM
3,774 posts, read 10,495,966 times
Reputation: 1860
Laughing my butt off on the couch, so hard I was tearing up. I love it.
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Old 09-04-2007, 06:23 AM
Location: Sheffield, England
2,637 posts, read 6,310,237 times
Reputation: 3303
Lol, that's hilarious!
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Old 09-04-2007, 07:25 AM
Location: California, again...
232 posts, read 802,523 times
Reputation: 162
The original story on the web was a pair of pet lizards, but still funny
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Old 09-04-2007, 05:22 PM
Location: South Carolina
5,297 posts, read 6,017,518 times
Reputation: 8175
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Old 09-04-2007, 07:41 PM
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 11,866,272 times
Reputation: 9516
Thanks, I needed that! LOL
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