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Old 03-08-2007, 01:23 PM
 
Location: At work
364 posts, read 482,114 times
Reputation: 76

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OK. I'll try and make a long and complicated story short. I am ignorant to illegal drugs (cocaine, marajuana in particular) and what getting arrested for them with intent to quanitys to the tune of an 'intent to sell' charge really amounts to. I have never done an illegal drug or even been in the presence of one.

So this morning I got a wake up call from the Police dept asking me to come pick up my father's dog because he was being 'taken in'. Turns out my 53 year old father who has always been an upstanding educated professional has been leading a double life. He has been married to my mother for 31 yrs. His "girlfriend" that introduced herself to the arresting officer as his 'fiance' was on the scene. So on top of the drug problems that was "upsetting". Of coarse I am upset for my mother. When I got out of the car my father was in the back of the police car in handcuffs and would not look at me. The "girlfriend" introduces herself and sticks out her hand. All I said was "Im not shaking your hand". He tells me all the time how the both of us (meaning myself and Joe, the dog I picked up) mean the world to him. Obviously his drugs and his sleezy girlfriend mean more. He always tells me how proud he is that I have never been involved with drugs and how evil they are. He was on his way to start his new job that he had been so looking forward to. It would have been only his fourth job in his successful career as an Executive Chef/Restaurant Owner. After 12 years of owning his own business and the stress that came of that he promised my mother this was a great new start for the both of them. He has continually let me down over my life. I could not even type it all here. I am furious for him doing this to my family.

So my question for you guys is: What do you know about a typical bail $, jail time, ect for a felony charge? Have you ever had a loved one lead a 'double life'? How would you react to him?
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Old 03-08-2007, 01:29 PM
 
Location: Springfield, Missouri
2,815 posts, read 12,653,852 times
Reputation: 2000001481
Quote:
Originally Posted by msjbrent View Post
OK. I'll try and make a long and complicated story short. I am ignorant to illegal drugs (cocaine, marajuana in particular) and what getting arrested for them with intent to quanitys to the tune of an 'intent to sell' charge really amounts to. I have never done an illegal drug or even been in the presence of one.

So this morning I got a wake up call from the Police dept asking me to come pick up my father's dog because he was being 'taken in'. Turns out my 53 year old father who has always been an upstanding educated professional has been leading a double life. He has been married to my mother for 31 yrs. His "girlfriend" that introduced herself to the arresting officer as his 'fiance' was on the scene. So on top of the drug problems that was "upsetting". Of coarse I am upset for my mother. When I got out of the car my father was in the back of the police car in handcuffs and would not look at me. The "girlfriend" introduces herself and sticks out her hand. All I said was "Im not shaking your hand". He tells me all the time how the both of us (meaning myself and Joe, the dog I picked up) mean the world to him. Obviously his drugs and his sleezy girlfriend mean more. He always tells me how proud he is that I have never been involved with drugs and how evil they are. He was on his way to start his new job that he had been so looking forward to. It would have been only his fourth job in his successful career as an Executive Chef/Restaurant Owner. After 12 years of owning his own business and the stress that came of that he promised my mother this was a great new start for the both of them. He has continually let me down over my life. I could not even type it all here. I am furious for him doing this to my family.

So my question for you guys is: What do you know about a typical bail $, jail time, ect for a felony charge? Have you ever had a loved one lead a 'double life'? How would you react to him?
Is it marijuana or harder drugs? And was he busted selling or buying or?
As for the girlfriend.. well. That says a lot about his integrity.
Who says you have to do anything. I'd talk to your mother and ask her what she wants to do and follow that path.
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Old 03-08-2007, 01:34 PM
 
Location: NJ/SC
4,343 posts, read 14,324,688 times
Reputation: 2720
Being charged for "selling" drugs is much more serious then being charged for just doing them. Also, depends on what type of drug he was charged for.

I'm really sorry for you and your family, it's sad that you have to go through this. I hope your mom can come out of this quickly and move on with her life.
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Old 03-08-2007, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Happy wherever I am - Florida now
3,360 posts, read 11,858,627 times
Reputation: 3899
My X lead a double life - I booted him out!

Bad example for the kids.
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Old 03-08-2007, 01:52 PM
 
Location: SE Florida
9,367 posts, read 24,386,582 times
Reputation: 9435
Man, as if you aren't dealing with enough, now this. First- I would get in touch with a good mental health counselor and I'll tell you why- things that involve our parents, especially father-daughter (son-mother)- can really start unravelling some deep #@% within us! So you will be dealing with the layer upon layer of stuff.

And if you want to be there for your mom, get her to go along with you the first time, since she will be going through some changes, too. There is the loss of income, even if temporary, legal expenses, the deal with the girlfriend. If you both go to the counselor, that person will be a real source of help throughout this whole thing. Believe me, once it's over, it ain't gonna be over emotionally. Multiple betrayals you and your mom will be dealing with.

1- Do you and/or your mom want to pay his bail? You don't have to if you don't want to. Can your mom get by financially without him during this period?

2- If you do decide to bail him out- don't need to do it right away. Might be good to let his little girlfriend field some of the collect calls from jail begging for money to get out.

3- If it was intent to sell- in FL they can confiscate your house if you sold from the house, car if the car was used, etc. Is the house in your mom's name also?

4- Legal advice- your mom needs to get it- for herself. I think that your mom should meet with an attorney for her own security. Just one meeting should answer most questions and shouldn't cost much. There is the issue of potential confiscation of assets on a drug conviction, as well as a potential divorce. If he has been leading a double life- has he been socking assets aways from your mom? Better she knows the answers to issues that could crop up beforehand so that she isn't faced with reacting to the wild ride that has just begun.

I think you've posted before that you suffer from depression- don't let this overwhelm you! It's just like eating an elephant- ya take one bite at a time. And, technically, it isn't even your elephant to eat- you're the child, he's the parent. Any help that you render should be voluntary because you choose to. You are not responsible for other adult people, even your parents.

Good luck!
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Old 03-08-2007, 01:57 PM
 
Location: At work
364 posts, read 482,114 times
Reputation: 76
Thank you both for your responses. It is my understanding he was charged for just using marijuana (misdeamenor) and charged for using AND intent to sell cocaine (felony). I do not know wether he was dealing, just the charge for intent to sell. They transported him from the city jail to county because it was a felony.

I have no idea why he called his girlfriend to come up there when he asked the police to call me. Did he want a domestic dispute? I am so glad I took the high road, the dog and left without saying anything to either one of them.

My mother is furious and does not want anything to do from him; except money for living expenses. His mother, sister and brother across the country refuse to pay a penny for his bail as well as my mother (his wife). Ang might I add myself. He got himself into this nightmare. His family wants him to rot in jail.

I want to see him and make him look me in the eye since he would not this morning. I want him to explain to me what he thought he was doing with this double life. I would think that would be one of the worst things I could do to sit down in front of him with a glass partition and a telephone and make him explain what he has done to his family.
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Old 03-08-2007, 02:14 PM
 
Location: SE Florida
9,367 posts, read 24,386,582 times
Reputation: 9435
Quote:
Originally Posted by msjbrent View Post
I want to see him and make him look me in the eye since he would not this morning. I want him to explain to me what he thought he was doing with this double life. I would think that would be one of the worst things I could do to sit down in front of him with a glass partition and a telephone and make him explain what he has done to his family.
Vent to a counselor so you don't let this bring you into a full scale depression. Write him a letter(s) expressing your feelings, but don't send it, you can always send later, but the writing itself is therapeutic.

Don't go see him to vent. Let time pass so he can sit in jail and think. Believe me, it will the the best thing for your mental health and the best "revenge" for him right now. Nothing like the clang of those doors closing behind you and no contact with your life on the outside to provide a come-to-Jesus experience.
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Old 03-08-2007, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Central Florida
1,408 posts, read 4,956,357 times
Reputation: 872
My heart goes out to you....I can't imagine what it's like dealing with a parent in this situation. (I've been thru really bad things with a brother and that's horrible enough.)

Please take everything Hereinfla said seriously. She gave you excellent advice; and keep this thread handy so you can re-read it once the emotions have calmed a bit. I wish the best to you and your mom!
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Old 03-08-2007, 02:49 PM
 
Location: Austin 'burbs
3,225 posts, read 13,615,528 times
Reputation: 781
Is this his first offense?

"Intent to sell" just means that he had a large amount of drugs found on him, more than what the law would consider for "personal" use - so they assume you have the intent to sell (usually worded as "distribute") it.

I wouldn't feel like you need to do anything. Sounds like he's an addict. If this isn't rock bottom, he will likely hit it soon. He needs that if he's ever to come back from this mess. Let him sit there, and think about how he's messing up his life, and his family.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. What a mess. It's a lot to process, I'm sure.
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Old 03-08-2007, 03:41 PM
 
1,076 posts, read 3,442,367 times
Reputation: 1147
you have to remember that these are just charges, a lot can change depending upon actual evidence, just what they have & don't have.

you should be able to call the jail later, (some states vary on info they will give out) & see what the actual charges are once all the dust settles.
depending on actual charges & priors, bail could be quit high then someone will have to foot the bill for the legal fees, depends on you but public defenders are like having donald duck as a defense atty.

with it being drugs i would really hesitate on bail, you really won't know what's going to happen until his lawyer looks at everything to see how strong of a case the state has against him, that could take weeks or more.

if he's been using for a good while best thing would be let his a** sit in a cell, once back on the street it's just a matter of time & it will be round 2.

drugs will turn a person into a monster, there still a wonderful person inside but the drugs take over & completely change them to were they have to have them & they will do what ever they have to to satisfy that need, it's a dead end road from there, it's just a shame these moronic idiots we have running the country can't see that the real terrorists are the drug dealers & drugs.

main thing is don't let it get to you too bad, at first it will seem like your whole world is turned inside out but you just have to ride it out & get tough, it will tear you into if you let it, time heals all.

Last edited by joee; 03-08-2007 at 04:00 PM..
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