Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My friend and I have known each other for quite a long time. We met at work and from the beginning my friend said all she ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. My friend and I both got married around the same time. My friend and I found out we were pregnant at the same time, so again we shared another milestone in life. I was terrified about whether or not I would be a good mother but my friend was not scared at all, this was something she had wanted her whole life. So I was pretty shocked when I started to realize that I didnt think she was a very good mother. I put it out of my mind and told myself we had different parenting styles. When my friend had her second baby, it was kind of hard to ignore certain things. The second baby was more fussy and she seemed cold toward him. She told me on several occasions that she has to learn to love him but it is hard. She often did unsafe things such as leaving the kids outside unattended in the pool. They were toddlers at the time. Leaving them alone in the house while she ran to the store and so forth. She let them run wild, leaping from furniture to furniture letting them destroy the house and then finally she would snap and hit them with wooden spoons like a crazy person. Complete inconsistency on everything.
My friend then went through a divorce and married another man right away. She got pregnant with her 3rd baby. I fell in love with this 3rd child. He was doll and had a very calm sweet personality. She would often ask me to watch him so I started to really bond with this baby. I will call him "Jacob" Around 6 months I noticed his development seemed a bit off. He did things like stare at the ceiling like a 1 month old would do. Kind of like trying to focus on something. He had started to crawl and then stopped. Around 8 months he seemed to be going backward instead of forward. I finally mentioned my concerns to my friend. She got a bit huffy and explained to me that since I only have one child I do not understand that each child develops differently (never mind I taught preschool and worked in several daycare centers).
When he turned a year old my friend confessed that maybe something was wrong. He would choke on solids and she was now feeding him only yogurt and went back to feeding him a bottle. I became very concerned and figured if she got pissed off at me then oh well. I told her very bluntly that she needed to talk to the pediatrician asap because he not thriving. Be nicey nice wasnt cutting it. She complained that the office visit was a lot of money (her co pay was 20 bucks) and I didnt understand what it was like to take 3 kids into a doc office. I volunteered to watch her other two kids. She finally took "Jacob" in for his check up and the doc told her he was fine. I couldn't believe it. I suggested a second opinion and then of course I was butting into her biz and she appreciated my concern but her child was fine.
He got progressively worse and after he stopped crawling altogether at 14 months and lost weight she took him again. The doctor then said he seemed to be failing to thrive. daaa. The doctor suggested to give it another month or two. Now I am livid. I told my friend to take him into our children's hospital in the area (a well known hospital in the country) to have them look him over. I said something is wrong. My friend started to realize I may be right. She put it off as usual and I called her the next week to basically nag her again.
I will never forget it as long as I live. It was a saturday at 11 am. When she answered the phone all I could hear was screaming. She said "Jacob" was really fussy. This cry was not a fussy cry, this was a blood curdling scream. A scream of pain. I was so freaked out I said something is wrong with him! She got pissed off and said that I did not know everything and he probably has an ear infection. I told her to take him to the ER. She yelled back at me that she was not about to sit in an ER for hours, pay a huge bill to find out its an ear infection. We hung up not good terms. I went into work feeling very upset. Right before my afternoon shift ended my husband called me at work. Something he never does. He told me that my friend had called him a few moments before to let him know that "Jacob" died. I was beyond upset I couldnt believe it.
I went to see her right after work and she explained everything that had happened. After we had our tiff at 11 am, she finally decided at 4 pm to take him to the ER when she noticed his diaper was full of purple feces. On the way to the hospital he stopped breathing. When they finally got to the ER, (not the children's hospital) he was breathing again and regained his color. The ER staff had her sit in the waiting room. My friend never made a fuss and waited 2 hrs to see a doctor. I would have made such a scene they would have not been able to ignore me. When they finally got "Jacob" in to see a doctor the child went into full cardic arrest and died. The autopsy later revealed this sweet little boy was born with only one kidney, no thyroid and the kidney he did have was full of infection and shut down. The high protein diet of purple yogurt (hence the purple feces) for several months kind of sped up the process. Too much protein is really bad for ailing kidneys. I was so upset because I felt everyone had failed this child. The doctors and his mother.
I struggled with my feelings but kept silent what was I gonna say? He was gone. He did have several birth defects that no one knew about (which stuns me with all the technology we have). But I was a good caring friend to her in her time of need. My friend went through a deep depression and admitted to me it was hard seeing me because I had been right and she ignored my advice. She stopped returning phone calls and occasionally she would call to let me know that she was pregnant again. She since has had 3 more children. She sued everyone involved regarding "Jacob's" death and got a large settlement. She then divorced husband #2 and moved in with a man she met on line. To my surprise she called me late last night crying. Telling me she is unhappy. He does not like her children and is heavy on the discipline. I thought at first he might just be more strict but when she told me the things he was doing, he is cruel. Its all mental abuse. I kind of wish she never would have called me. Not knowing was nice for me. I can't imagine being with a man that is horrible to my children. She hasn't worked in over 15 yrs and ran out of the lawsuit money. She says this man is abusive but in the next breath tells me he really is a good guy and her kids do need some discipline.
I just can't see being friends with her anymore or renewing our friendship. That break over the years was good for me. She is a bad parent and well I am starting to feel she is a bad person as well. I can't bear to think about her kids being treated badly. Would you cut her off? Thoughts?
What a horrible situation you find yourself in. It sounds like she's a chaotic person and could use a lot of personal help besides parental help. If it's not something you can handle, then you have every right to break off the friendship. You don't even have to tell her, just don't answer if she calls. If you want to try and stick it out all you can do for her is give her advice, and she has to take it from there.
If you think the children are in any kind of danger, take it to the next step. I'm not all for calling the kid police on people, but sometimes it is necessary. As you've learned, you can't make people do what you want, even when they really really should.
You did what you could, and that's all you could have done since it wasn't your child. As heartbreaking as it is, I hope you aren't blaming yourself for that. *HUGS*
OH MY GOSH!!!! I would definitley cut her off and I owuld call CPS about her other children. Poor Jacob! There is something seriously wrong with your friend. Is she mentally ill?If so she needs psychiatric help. What was the reason for all those birth defects? Is it possible she was on drugs while pregnant with him. It makes me sick that so many deserving women are trying to have kids but can't and then these low life women who only care about themselves can get pregnant so easily....sick
It doesn't sound like much of a friendship. She's too into drama, she isn't going to listen to advice and what do you get from the friendship?
That was my question also...friendship is an equal relationship with both people benefiting. Do you benefit from this relationship in any way? You are not her mother. Sometimes you just have to let people go.
Last edited by maciesmom; 06-26-2010 at 06:41 AM..
Reason: sp
That is so terribly sad. I have been a parent for a long time, and if there is one thing I have learned, unfortunately it is that you can not put 100% trust in your children's physicians, or your own physicians for that matter.
However, many people do for various reasons. They may feel they are not knowledgeable enough to speak up, or they feel intimidated by the doctor. Many times doctors will brush off a mother, especially a young mother or a new mother, as overprotective or overly concerned.
It is hard for some people to assert themselves in these situations, and in many cases you have to assert yourself pretty forcefully. When my oldest was a baby I took him to the ER because I KNEW something was wrong. They tried to send me home saying he had a "cold". I literally had to tell them I was not leaving the ER until they found out what was wrong with him.
He had viral pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital that day.
My youngest about a year ago got very sick. I suspected H1N1, but the doctor would not test and didn't believe he had the flu. By the next day my son was REALLY sick, and being a parent for a long time I can recognize the flu as well as any doctor. I called him and INSISTED on Tamiflu. I had to be aggressive. I got the Tamiflu and he quickly improved.
At the same time, however, he was developing some sort of abscess. I called the doctor he told me to come in Monday. It was Saturday. By Saturday night it grew and was very painful. Took him to the emergency room, he got an antibiotic for skin infection, did my own research and was pretty sure my son had MRSA and they had him on the wrong antibiotic.
Again, I had to be assertive and aggressive to have him tested for MRSA and I insisted his antibiotic be changed. The doctor didn't want to change the antibiotic.
Guess what? It was MRSA. I have since learned that many kids have died from the complications of H1N1 after developing a co-morbid MRSA infection!
THANK GOD I was assertive.
However, that is not always easy for others to do, and my heart really goes out to this mom.
As for remaining friends with her, I understand what you are going through. Years ago I had a close friend who became involved with a man I knew to be mentally abusive and I suspected he was becoming physically abusive as well. When he started involving her two young children, for example if they broke up he would call the kids crying!!!!, I started to pull away from my friend.
I did try talking to her and being supportive, but the involvement of her kids in this sick relationship was something I just could not be a witness to any longer. When I got a wedding invitation in the mail for them, I just could not bring myself to attend. I felt it would have been hypocritical, and I could not pretend to be happy for her OR especially her kids.
To this day, however, I feel horrible for breaking away from her, but I don't feel I did the wrong thing. I still miss her and hope that she has found happiness in her life for both her and her kids.
I just can't see being friends with her anymore or renewing our friendship. That break over the years was good for me. She is a bad parent and well I am starting to feel she is a bad person as well. I can't bear to think about her kids being treated badly. Would you cut her off? Thoughts?
I ended a lifelong friendship for similar reasons. When she became a mother, she changed in a scary way. I didn't have an issue with the way she raised her son. I had an issue with how she treated her stepson. She adored her stepson until she had a child of her own. After her son was born, she started talking about her stepson like he was vile. I just can't even repeat the things she said----breaks my heart to think about these things after so many years. Her stepson was the same age as my son---probably 11 or 12ish. I tried to appeal to her by telling her that he's just a child and that she's going to destroy him with her negativity. I just couldn't bare hearing what she was doing to this innocent child anymore.
One day, I called her specifically to let her know that I could no longer talk to her. We had been friends for near 30 years. We became best friends in kindergarten! But I couldn't live with who she had become. She wasn't the same person anymore. She was a stranger, not the great person I knew my entire life. After that, we kept in touch about once a year via phone when she would call. She was mindful to watch her p's and q's when talking, never sharing anything disturbing. Seven years later, my family drove to her state to attend her son's birthday party. It was a pleasant visit. That's the last time I saw her before she died.
I don't regret the decision I made. There was nothing I could do to stop her from what she was doing. Hearing her raging madness about her stepson gave me nightmares. It was like living in a horror movie. I miss the person I knew before she changed. That's the person I try to think of when I rememeber her, not the crazy stepmother she became.
I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your friend's child. What an idiot! I can't even imagine what it would be like to be friends with someone who complained about medical costs and long waits in waiting rooms. I'd go insane listening to that lack of logic. I just can't imagine what it would be like to know a child who died because a mother didn't listen to me. That must be a terrible memory for you. I completely understand why you don't want to know what her children are going through now----because you won't be able to influence her now either. It will be like living in the horror movie all over again. I'm so sorry.
I think everyone goes through this at one time or another. A friendship that truly is toxic. Not to the extent you did - that was pretty bad to say the least. It really isn't until you are away from it that you realize how bad it was.
I went through this a year ago. It wasn't until she was out of my life that I realized how time consuming all her issues were and to be free of it was a relief.
As others have mentioned - true friendship is a two way street. My advice would to not allow yourself to get sucked back in. I know you feel badly for the children. But unless there is something you feel you could really do for them (and it doesn't sound like it because you weren't able to before), then letting her drama back into your life will only cause more pain for you. Seems harsh but sometimes you just have to see things for what they are and cut the cord.
I'd totally cut her off, with no explanation, no excuses, no dialogue. I've done it in fact. A neighbor was constantly yelling at her kid, she'd get pissed for the most benign things..she'd spank her child out of anger, not because he was doing anything "wrong" or being "naughty" (like, he went to grab his sippy cup off the table and it slid off and his juice dribbled out onto the carpet). He was a sweet kid but he also tested her patience, because that seemed to be the only time she'd pay attention to him - when she was yelling at him for something. So if he wasn't getting attention he'd act out to get it.
Eventually she moved out of the neighborhood and we were still in touch, and I was invited to visit. When I got there, she was yelling at him again, and he was in the playroom being "punished" because he smeared his own feces on the wall.
HUGE RED FLAG there. I know damned well that this is a sign of a toddler BEGGING for help, that something is SERIOUSLY wrong.
I continued the visit but ended it short, went home, called CPS, and never spoke to her again.
I would end it and never look back. Don't answer calls, emails, etc.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
She often did unsafe things such as leaving the kids outside unattended in the pool. They were toddlers at the time. 
Leaving them alone in the house while she ran to the store and so forth. She let them run wild, leaping from furniture to furniture letting them destroy the house and then finally she would snap and hit them with wooden spoons like a crazy person. Complete inconsistency on everything.
