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Depression is common for one who defined himself by his career, his work. It is a difficult position to be in, but I would encourage your dad to speak to his physician about how he is feeling. Maybe if a doc talked to him he would follow through with a referral and get help.
Depression is common for one who defined himself by his career, his work. It is a difficult position to be in, but I would encourage your dad to speak to his physician about how he is feeling. Maybe if a doc talked to him he would follow through with a referral and get help.
How do you get another person to do that? We can't even get him to get his hearing checked because he can't seem to hear a lot of things. He's certainly had a lot of noise exposure in his lifetime of work and it could even be hereditary maybe because I ended up in hearing aids at age 35. And when his wife sends him with a list of things to talk to the doctor about he won't even discuss those. A lot of men as you probably know have issues discussing things with doctors or even going to a doctor.
I've also suggested counseling for one or BOTH of them since his wife exhibits symptoms of DID, OCD and Schizophrenia and it runs in her family.
I guess what I'm asking is how do you lead a horse to water and FORCE him to drink? I think maybe you can't!
How do you get another person to do that? We can't even get him to get his hearing checked because he can't seem to hear a lot of things. He's certainly had a lot of noise exposure in his lifetime of work and it could even be hereditary maybe because I ended up in hearing aids at age 35. And when his wife sends him with a list of things to talk to the doctor about he won't even discuss those. A lot of men as you probably know have issues discussing things with doctors or even going to a doctor.
I've also suggested counseling for one or BOTH of them since his wife exhibits symptoms of DID, OCD and Schizophrenia and it runs in her family.
I guess what I'm asking is how do you lead a horse to water and FORCE him to drink? I think maybe you can't!
Well, then, judging by your comments, maybe you should just move away and disappear, you obviously don't care enough to bother.
Your dad is driving 30 minutes out of his way just to take your trash out. He insists on going with you to the big city to act as your protector.... I think that is really sweet.
I think your dad just wants to feel needed and useful. Maybe a part time job or volunteer work would be a good outlet for him?
Are there things that you could use his help with?
I'm not even from "that" generation... I think its the Millennials that are said to have the helicopter parents. I'm a Gen X'er and enjoyed being autonomous for over a decade by moving almost two thousand miles away. Now I moved in the next town over from my father because of economic reasons and also missing living in the country. Also wanted to be closer if he needed me as he got older. However as much as I love him he's driving me crazy now that he's retired. He remarried but she's 15 years younger, very mentally disturbed woman and not nice to be around anyway but most of the time she works 12 hrs a day leaving him at home alone. He seriously is so bored/lonely or something that he offers to drive 30 miles to take my trash out because he doesn't want me "going up and down the stairs so much".
If he doesn't hear from me within a 2 day period he is calling to check up on me. He comes up with odd reasons to call and begs me to come over & come "sit with him". But I stay busy, have nothing in common with him or any of my family for that matter. For added insult he treats me a 40+ woman as a child just because I am a woman and if I mention like oh I need to go to a certain store which is in a nearby big city he thinks because I'm a woman I couldn't possibly drive there alone (though I do all the time) and he insists he should take me. If I mention I'm going out with a friend he gets angry (probably jealous).
So I kinda feel like this is similar to what the younger people experience with helicopter parents. I'm really curious how often other people keep in contact with their parents and how do you gracefully go about your own business when they get too intrusive. He expects a call or email daily and no he won't do texting. He really wants me to visit every time I go into his town which is every 1-2 days because my gym membership is in that town because there are no gyms where I live. I think its ridiculous in that instance to expect daily visits because then I can't get back from the gym at a reasonable hour and cook my own supper.
How do others deal with living so close to parents? It doesn't help I am an only child and he has no one else to bug.
It sounds like he just loves you a lot and worries about you, not that he wants to direct and control your life as per an actual "helicopter parent"...
So bring it out in the open. Tell them you are your own person and the way he is caring about you is messing up your groove. Share feelings, find common ground and all that jazz...
You could try forming a book club with him, if he reads. Pick out a title for both of you to and tell him the first Sunday of every month you'll come by to discuss the work. Maybe if you establish a regular time to see him (as often as you can stand) he will settle into that pattern and the amount of time you dictate to the visit.
He may not want to go out and do much if he has hearing problems that need correcting. He could also sign up as a mentor with any number of organizations.
My parents insisted all of their grown children, spouces, and kids come to a formal dinner every sunday afternoon. Many times I thought I'd rather be at the beach or elsewhere but I'm glad now that we had that opportunity as my parents are gone and the kids have grown apart.
Your dad is driving 30 minutes out of his way just to take your trash out. He insists on going with you to the big city to act as your protector.... I think that is really sweet.
I think your dad just wants to feel needed and useful. Maybe a part time job or volunteer work would be a good outlet for him?
Are there things that you could use his help with?
It may be very "sweet" but when you are a 40 yr old woman its not so nice having to be "escorted" around town by a 70 yr old man for a multitude of reasons. Number 1 he doesn't want to do what I want to, he intrudes on my privacy and my right to have friends or to date by running off friends or preventing me from having any time for myself and its uncomfortable having people assume he is my husband or boyfriend which has happened a lot. It also is embarrassing when you do admit to someone that your father is driving you around because it makes the adult woman look like some kind of helpless retard for having a parent drive them around. Not to mention I am just an independent woman who grew accustomed to doing everything for myself and not having to report to a man. Now its like being balled and chained to someone if I do let him drive me around town. Not to mention I do not see other women doing this thus I think its fairly socially inappropriate for fathers to tag around with adult daughters all the time. He needs to be with people his own age ie: MEN his own age OR HIS WIFE... not me all the time! He needs old man hobbies instead of expecting to run around with a 40 yr old woman.
I do care for him or else I wouldn't bother posting for ideas. But at the same time I have to also protect my own life. If I live only for him when do I get my chance to have friends my own age or to date or marry? I spent my college years under his thumb, then moved away but spent over a decade working overtime, late at night and all weekend so I never got a chance to have any social life (and I have serious medical problems during that time on top of that). Should I throw away the rest of my life for a parent who refuses to make their own friends and find their own hobbies? Normal seniors DO have hobbies, friends and little social groups of other seniors.
Its interesting no one has ventured to answer one of my original questions- how often do you spend time with your in town parents? How often do you talk to them on phone and by email? I wanna know. Judging from some of my friends they contact their parents once a month or less. I have cousins who see their parents once a year and they live in same town. So its rather insulting some on here are chastizing me for seeing my father 2-3 times a week not being often enough especially when once I get there all he wants to do is play his video game in front of me. Must I seriously go over every single day? Especially when he has a 15 yr younger wife who should be taking care of him and spending time with him? When do I get to come home and cook dinner for myself if I have to spend hours with him every evening? Seriously!
^My father died (after being sick in a nursing home for a few years) when I was in my early 30's. I miss him a lot. Before he got really sick, I was busy with my own life/friends/boyfriend/job/place and I really didn't see him or my mom that much. I do regret that now.
Now I see my mom nearly every day. She has been a big help with my kids and she really loves going on outings with me and the kids (I'm a SAHM). Does she get on my nerves sometimes? You bet. But for the most part she does a great job of respecting boundaries (doesn't drop by my house unannounced, doesn't pry too much, understands that I need time alone with dh and the kids, etc.). I feel very lucky to have her in my life.
In your situation, it sounds as though your dad is dropping by your house nearly every day after you get off of work. That does sound excessive. Is his wife at home when he is coming to see you? Maybe you need to visit your dad's house (when his wife is around) and see what's going on over there...
Last edited by springfieldva; 07-07-2010 at 02:24 PM..
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