How do you shake off helicopter parents?

[Briolat21]

Okay, so a couple of things... one thing is you mention that one of the reasons that you moved back is "in case he needs me as he gets older". News flash - he needs you right now.

Now - how often did I see my in town parents, when I lived 45 minutes away from them as a married working adult with no children?? I saw them once to two times a week (because they were older) and I probably talked to my mother daily to every other day.

Could I have done without that?? Sure. But you know what, as you get older you realize that a small sacrifice (a 10 minute phone conversation) to make someone else happy is really nothing. Or at least that's what I realized about my situation.

And yes, if I didn't talk to my mom for 3 days or so - she would go into the "You must be SO BUSY that you can't talk to your poor mother..". I just ignored it, and went right on with the conversation. Just because I talk to her doesn't mean I have to put up with the infantile passive aggressive stuff.

Now.. here's the kicker. We had to leave the state for a job change, and my parents (first one, then the other) both promptly got ill and physically disabled. They are both early 80's. So, I moved BOTH OF THEM in with me and my husband.

So if you are so annoyed with your dad now, and I'm not saying his behavior isn't annoying - just that perhaps you should "get over it" .. how are you going to do the "when he needs help when he's older??".

'Cause it doesn't get LESS annoying. It really doesn't. If you are irritated now when he's healthy, and able to care for himself -- how are you going to be when he's not healthy and you have to drive him places, or he needs to be fed, or he needs you to dish out his medicine?

So... either learn to handle him gracefully now or rethink your plans to help him when he's older. Make plans for an objective 3rd party to help (an aide, a caretaker, whatever....).

Because if this is how annoyed (and you sound VERY annoyed) you get at a competent old man wanting to share in your life... you will probably not last that long as a caretaker.

And one thing about the lonely old man thing.. Maybe he's content to hear about your day? You don't have to give him control over your life, but big deal .. you go to the gym, you stop by his house for 10 minutes, say "hi dad, what'd you do today?". He says "nothing".... you talk for 5 more minutes, he starts to play solitaire, you walk out the door and say "bye dad, see you in a couple of days..".

Seriously - not that big of a deal.

I know your 40 and independent. My father who is bedridden, still winces when he sees me (his late 30's daughter) pick up something heavy. Because HE IS THE DAD. If he could leap out of bed and carry the dog food for me - he would. Even though at this point in time he is so frail my husband and I can lift him out of bed and into the wheelchair. In his mind (and he is quite lucid and knows exactly who he is, where he is and WHEN he is) .. he is the father and I am still the little freckled girl he used to pick up and swing around his head...

I am not a grown woman who takes care of their life, her own life, her husband's life and works full time.. (oh yeah, and the dogs and cats...)

Don't be annoyed by it. But if you CAN'T stop being annoyed by it - move. He's in his 70's. Do you really think you're going to change his personality now???

Good luck, I don't envy your situation but remember - YOU control how you react to him. He honestly can't annoy you if you CHOOSE not to be annoyed. I know that sounds like self-help crap, but it really is true.

"Hi dad, just came by to see what you're up to... Oh, time for soliataire? That's okay, I gotta go make my own dinner... See you later".

Really not that hard.

[mtneer]

I think you're missing a point. He has a wife at home 15 yrs younger than him...though she's never at home if she's not at work then she is out shopping for clothes and knickknacks. He has someone who should be taking care of him and keeping him company. It's not like he has no other human contact. I've tried to help him by getting him to get hearing aids and even mental health help but he won't go. I've tried to get him to make friends by looking for social groups for people his age or finding a hobby, but he whines and says he doesn't want to do anything. So he sits in his recliner all day and then whines because he doesn't want to do anything yet he is bored and wants me to come "sit" with him while his wife is at work...not for 10 minutes.

As if that wasn't enough I also have another family member plus his neighbor, my neighbor and a woman I used to work with all in their 60s & 70's begging me to spend time with them. I don't have time like that for everyone and honestly I want to be with people my own age as I've not ever been permitted that luxury. Oh and yea he won't spend time with his neighbor who is lonely too and begs me to come over visit her and her husband.

[lucygirl951]

Your situation sounds difficult, but if you've really sought all of the solutions you've listed, you're just going to have to be honest about your need for space. Make a weekly appointment with your dad, and stick to it. Use your newly-found free time to cultivate relationships with your peers. Join a book club. Volunteer at a community theater. Whatever it takes to make friends.

I live the next town over from my parents. I talk to my mom 3-4 times a week, my dad once or twice, and I see them about once a week. Granted, my parents keep themselves pretty busy, which sounds not at all similar to your situation, but I think for in-town parents who aren't in need of physical assistance due to disability or illness, once a week should suffice.

My last point, and I don't mean to lecture here, but as someone whose dear friend has a mentally disabled child, I'd caution you about using the word "retard" so casually. It's quite offensive, and your use of that word may make you seem uneducated and insensitive. It's not just you. Sadly, I hear that word with increasing frequency.

[Briolat21]

Look .. I'm not picking on you ... I understand he has a younger wife. I understand he's not interested in doing things with other's his own age.

But what I'm saying is even though you say one of the reasons you moved back is so that you could help him, and that even though you love him - he's driving you crazy .... you don't sound like you even like him, let alone that you'd really be able to HELP him if he were to become frail and really need it.

You also say you've enjoyed being autonomous for over a decade - then you post that you have no time for him (or very little) because you really want to spend time with people your own age because you've never gotten to do that..

Its a little contradictory.

You asked how often people who are independent from their parents spend time and talk to them. We've answered that. Some of us spent a lot of time with our local parents, some of us spent as little time as humanly possible with them. Every situation is different.

I'm just saying don't kid yourself into thinking "I'll be there for him when he needs me" - because you sound like you can't stand to be around him now. It does not get more fun when he's bedridden, can't feed himself, or can't remember your name.

I hope his wife will step up - but you just don't sound (at this point) like you are cut out for it. That's okay - you just have to be honest about what you can and cannot handle.

And there really isn't a very graceful way to say "Buzz off dad, I'm busy with my own life". But - it is YOUR life. You decide what is important to you, and what isn't.

You also decide how much time he needs of yours. If you spend 10 minutes with him and he starts playing solitaire. Leave. You don't have to let him control your life. You say to yourself, "He wanted a visit, I visited, now I gotta go"... If he gets upset, you be polite and say "Dad, I just wanted to check up on you because I love you - but you've got things to do (solitaire) and so do I...". Then you leave.

For someone who claims to be very independent of the man, it seems like you are still letting him treat you like a child..

I understand your situation is uncomfortable - but no one on this board can make it better. There's not a magic "here's how you turn your dad into somebody else" cure.

Your dad is happy staying at home being unhappy. Some people are like that. If he wasn't an "out on the town, living it up" kinda guy in middle age, he's probably not going to magically turn into one.

You don't like his wife.

You don't like visiting him when you could be living your new life.

That's all okay, but really - what do you expect us to do about it?

Lastly, if all you wanted to do was rant about your situation -- just say "This is a rant" ... then the rest of us won't offer you advice on fixing a situation that is apparently unfixable...