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I had no choice but to be a working mom, but I was far more fortunate than most in that my "day care" was my mother. My daughter and my mother are very close because of that connection. At 81, my mother is firmly planted in New Jersey in the same house she has lived in for 53 years, in the town where she grew up and where our family has been for five generations, and she is not leaving her friends, family and church to go to Florida or North Carolina, that's for sure. (My brother lives with her and takes care of the house/property.) As I mentioned earlier, we lived together in one house when my daughter was a child--my grandmother, my parents, my daughter and I, and a brother. We were not the norm in our now-yuppied town, but I think it benefitted my daughter immensely and is part of the reason she is more mature and perceptive than most young women her age.
What you see in family disintegration does exist, but it is by no means universal, and just because you are in the United States doesn't mean you are doomed to be stashed into a nursing home while your kids jet off into the sunset. (And here I thought by your screen name that you were from that rusty college town in upstate New York.)
Perhaps the trends you fear will reverse as people realize that it isn't working out for the best for anyone.
This is an interesting point. Other than your mother's age, I am unaware of your age, nor your daughter's. Here's the situation that I was dealt with, and I wonder if you will have a similar situation eventually:
My husband and I both grew up in or around NYC. Our families had lived here since they came off the boat from their respective countries - moving far away from family meant leaving the Bronx, and moving to Yonkers. I was fortunate enough to be raised in the Bronx, with my grandmother. My aunt and great-grandparents lived close by. That said, my mother eventually moved up to Rockland, my great-grandparents to North Salem, and my aunt to Fishkill. The separation of the family began then, when I was around twelve.
I go to college, meet my husband, who also has a close-knit family. We find jobs locally, but they pay like crap (too many engineers in the tri-state area). Even though combined we make six-figures, we know we will never be able to afford even a small house/co-op, or even daycare in this area. Trust me, we tried saving for it. After ten years, my husband gets offered a job down south for double his salary, and we relocate. If we didn't do this, my son would not be here today, because of daycare costs (all of our families still work, so no cheap or free daycare). We would have been perpetual renters. My current mortgage for a lovely house is cheaper than the rent we paid for a one-bedroom apartment.
I guess my point is, not all of us have the option to stay in the towns we were born in. I certainly wouldn't want to live in the Bronx right now - it's a different place than when I grew up there. Our parents live in $500k+ houses that they paid $50k for, their kids can't afford to buy, so they move on or live at home with their parents forever, effectively putting their lives on hold. Our parents will remain in NY, because that is where their friends are, but there is little I could (or would, but that's a different matter) do for them as they age. I have my own family and bills to take care of - as mean as it sounds, I would assume that since they didn't pay anything towards my college, I would hope they socked away money for retirement.
When my kids were in their teens and basically off on their own all the time I started a business and before long it was successful but I was very unhappy. I dreaded going into the shop, the Saturdays, all that was involved and DH and I started talking about what would fulfill me/us. I tried volunteering, nope that wasn't it.
Then it hit me. I loved being a Mom, I worked hard at developing those skills and had alot to share. My adult son suggested I start writing a parenting advice column but I really didn't want to do that either. DH advised he would never retire. That was his choice. I don't like today's travel and all the hobbies I loved in the past were no loonger fulfilling but I still wanted to be a Mom.
We took foster parenting classes for 3 months but soon realized I couold not half way love a child and send him on his way. I admire those who do that but it was not for me.
Why not parent again? Surely there was somebody in this world who needed the skills I/we had worked so hard to develop. Why let them so to waste?
So we adopted 2 babies from Vietnam. Very radical plan for "retirement" but alot of thought and planning went into it. It takes years to get it all together for international adoptiong.
It has been a blur the past 8 years but a fun blur. These girls have enriched our lives so much,. Yes I do worry about our health as we get older and yes we can't do some physical things I could do earlier. But without our family these girls would be on the street begging and living in squalor. I saw it alot and I wished I could bring them all home.
so what I'm saying is there is no one answer for all of us. Find the thing you love and devote yourself to that. Finding a passion in life is a wonderful journey. Mine are children and gardening. Very nurturing and rewarding passions.
I love what you did. And I love that your husband was on board with it.
A few years ago when my kids were almost grown my husband and I went to marriage counseling for the first time and it was there that he let me know that he resented me for giving up my job to be a SAHM (21 years earlier), while I voiced my desire to have more kids by either fostering or adopting. That just highlighted the breakdown in communication between us. While he was pushing me towards somthing I didn't want to do, I was hanging on to the past and trying to find a way to keep that going. I knew where I had been happiest, the whole "family" thing, but he is still looking I guess. He also never plans to retire so he has that going for him. Sadly, he does not seem to want a close relationship with our adult children either. Nobody saw it coming becasue he never gave us a hint all these years.
Almost on my own now and I still don't know what to do. I currently have one 19 yr old still at home and a 23 year old (not mine, but a close friend) has recently moved in due to some personal problems. My eldest just graduated from college and is trying to find work in her field in a distant city, living off savings in the meantime so I have no idea if she will bounce back at some point or not.
I'm still playing mom, but only part time while I search for something new.
This is an interesting point. Other than your mother's age, I am unaware of your age, nor your daughter's. Here's the situation that I was dealt with, and I wonder if you will have a similar situation eventually:
My husband and I both grew up in or around NYC. Our families had lived here since they came off the boat from their respective countries - moving far away from family meant leaving the Bronx, and moving to Yonkers. I was fortunate enough to be raised in the Bronx, with my grandmother. My aunt and great-grandparents lived close by. That said, my mother eventually moved up to Rockland, my great-grandparents to North Salem, and my aunt to Fishkill. The separation of the family began then, when I was around twelve.
I go to college, meet my husband, who also has a close-knit family. We find jobs locally, but they pay like crap (too many engineers in the tri-state area). Even though combined we make six-figures, we know we will never be able to afford even a small house/co-op, or even daycare in this area. Trust me, we tried saving for it. After ten years, my husband gets offered a job down south for double his salary, and we relocate. If we didn't do this, my son would not be here today, because of daycare costs (all of our families still work, so no cheap or free daycare). We would have been perpetual renters. My current mortgage for a lovely house is cheaper than the rent we paid for a one-bedroom apartment.
I guess my point is, not all of us have the option to stay in the towns we were born in. I certainly wouldn't want to live in the Bronx right now - it's a different place than when I grew up there. Our parents live in $500k+ houses that they paid $50k for, their kids can't afford to buy, so they move on or live at home with their parents forever, effectively putting their lives on hold. Our parents will remain in NY, because that is where their friends are, but there is little I could (or would, but that's a different matter) do for them as they age. I have my own family and bills to take care of - as mean as it sounds, I would assume that since they didn't pay anything towards my college, I would hope they socked away money for retirement.
Very understandable situation. My mother lives in a $450K house that they paid $27K for. I grew up in North Jersey, where MY ancestors lived since they got off the boat. When my daughter graduated HS last year, I moved to the Jersey shore area because I cannot afford to live where I grew up. I have to live within commuting distance of NYC, but the commute is now much longer.
Next month I will be 52 and my daughter will be 19, just to clarify.
You make a good point--these situations happen sometimes because it is simply no longer possible to stay where the family is.
I can relate to SGOLDIE, sort of.I thought that my son and I were close. Unfortenately not as close as I had hoped. My son at 13 1/2 yrs old, just before we were to go on our 1st camping trip, in our RV,(me, my son, and my husband(step dad) as school was out for the summer. He phoned me from his dad's cell phone and had him pick him up. (His dad and I are separated). And told me he was gonna start summer holidays with his dad and that he would see me in 2 wks when it was my turn. That never happened and he has stayed with his dad since. Its been almost 2 yrs now. And since we had a parenting plan that WASNT POLICE ENFORCED. They could not DO anything. And court didn't do anything EITHER. Since my boy is old enough to decide where he wants to be. There he is. This is where I can relate to SGOLDIE : my son told me that he didn't want to see me or talk to me. And when I've asked him why he gave a really lame excuse. Since he's been gone he has phoned me on his own without me phoning him and having him return my calls. Was a year ago,on Christmas. I've talked to him and had a really good chat just before this Christmas and actually got to visit with him and take him out for lunch. It went really well. I made him a knitted lap blanket. Which he seemed to appreciate. He has been very quiet which is normal for him but at the same time distant. I don't know what his father has told him. But I still try to keep in touch with him but he is very reserved. It seems that he doesn't care and yet when I tell him that I love him, he does tell me back. Whether he's trying to refrain on hurting my feelings, I'm not entirely sure. He has two young siblings at his dads house, 3 and 5. And as a typical teen he lives in the basement like a hermit. But at least he is taking Muay Thai Kickboxing. Which he is focused on. Which has kept him out of the party scene and he isn't interested in going to parties either, which I thank God for.
The only thing that has kept me for absolutely loosing it, is God! He has been my strength. I was a single mom right from the start. (His father and I separated before I knew that I was pregnant). I've only been married for 3 and a bit years. And he did get along with my husband. The empty nest sure is hard when I was expecting to have him in my house for at least another 5 years. And yes, I have felt robbed. But on the other hand, God has shown me that his lousy teen attitude is better at his dads, than here. Also revealed to me was that my boy, is SO MUCH LIKE ME!!! He's just taller and has a deeper voice. Which maybe is God's funny humor/revenge. His father has to deal with me in my sons body! Ha ha ha. Hmmm, that makes me feel good when I look at it like that.
It sounds as though you have lived your life around your children, even planning things around them....anticipating this empty nest syndrome. I think you actually want to feel needed...And I personally believe that is what the empty nest thing is about....Feeling like no one needs us anymore.
I think you may benefit from volunteering. Perhaps you already know an agency you might like to volunteer with....if not I will list some suggestions.
Senior centers, nursing homes. local soup kitchen, schools...many programs need assistance for kids that need extra help. Local animal shelters, contact any agency in your area that interests you and ask about volunteer opportunities. Take day trips just for fun.
Maybe take a part time job in a fun field...
I hope this helps. But, remember, your kids are older, but they may never stop needing their Mom's love and advice, just let them know that you will always there for them....and let them do the reaching out.
Now, cultivate friendship with them....it can be fun...it is a real transition period....setting up college dorms rooms, helping them set up their first apartment, etc.
Find personal, healthy outlets for yourself...It will be ok
Oh, come on!! Where do you think you are? Italy? The Middle East?? ...
Dear Hopes, this is America! We are all like that here: alone, even when surrounded by people. Or perhaps, especially then.
Empty nest or not. "The Lonely Crowd" by Riesman should clarify it for you, though that's not an easy read.
I for one certainly don't believe in spending two decades of life focused - to complete absorption - on the kids and kids only. Taking child rearing seriously does not mean that during two decades or so of life nothing of substance outside of child rearing should happen.
But this is the American child rearing model and this is how I, and virtually everyone I know with children, live too.
I say sad. And your story is exactly what I fear two decades from now.
I'm 53, the mother of five adult kids ages 22 through 32. They've all moved out (one is still in college but living four hours away).
I guess I just never focused so much on my kids that I lost my own identity. Therefore, I never "lost myself" and guess what - when the child rearing was done, there was "myself" right there where she always was!
I don't know what you mean by being alone in a crowd. It's entirely possible to fill one's life with meaningful relationships and meaningful work - either paid or volunteer work, or both. With or without kids or young adults in the mix.
I just never did give in to the whole "identity as the mother of my kids only" thing and I suggest that others don't either.
OP, I suggest volunteering in a nurturing role, if nurturing is what resonates with you (and it sounds like that's the case - and I can relate). There are so many opportunities!
I'm 53, the mother of five adult kids ages 22 through 32. They've all moved out (one is still in college but living four hours away).
I guess I just never focused so much on my kids that I lost my own identity. Therefore, I never "lost myself" and guess what - when the child rearing was done, there was "myself" right there where she always was!
I don't know what you mean by being alone in a crowd. It's entirely possible to fill one's life with meaningful relationships and meaningful work - either paid or volunteer work, or both. With or without kids or young adults in the mix.
I just never did give in to the whole "identity as the mother of my kids only" thing and I suggest that others don't either.
OP, I suggest volunteering in a nurturing role, if nurturing is what resonates with you (and it sounds like that's the case - and I can relate). There are so many opportunities!
Just a heads up...
this thread is over 4 years old, and the poster you quoted has not been around since 07-24-2012.
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