Mother - the disciplinarian. Any negatives? (method, party, out of control, spank)
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I am curious to hear more opinions about the mother being the disciplinarian in the house and the father being the "softer" parent. It seems to have become the case in our family although I, personally, would prefer things to be a little different.
My husband and I certainly agree, in theory, on the way we are supposed to raise our children, what we should expect of them, the kind of people we want them to become, etc. However, we still seem to end up relating to kids in quite different ways and I attribute this partially to our different personalities, and partially to the different cultures we were raised in.
In a nutshell, I am the stricter parent and tend towards the conservative approach of raising children - with the mention that I am by no means a "military grouch" at all times. I am still the one that does a whole lot more talking, interacting, laughing, being silly and 'smooching' with them.
This is mainly because I am at home (work from home pt) and my husband is in the office every day; but even when he is at home, the kids flock to me like crazy as my husband is often at a loss for what he should do with them or how to make the interaction "bubbly" and "sparkly". He tries but he never seems to be able to make the "bubbles" that I make.
We both show a lot of love and physical affection for the kids (hugs, kisses, the works) but I generally set high expectations for their behavior too so I end up, more often than he does, with the disciplinarian/commanding look on my face.
My husband is a sweet, gentle man who loves his kids beyond words and would sacrifice pretty much anything for them; but he is also a person who is not that good with words and having being raised in a child-oriented family and culture (that would be post 60's US) - he doesn't necessarily see the need for setting "strict" standards in a variety of situations.
For example, if the kids frolic, jump, run and make noises in the store, I expect them to contain themselves with the understanding that even if it doesn't come naturally to a child to do so, they should still try to work at it and do it.
Or if they enter a room, I expect them to greet, speaking clearly and looking the person in the eye, etc. I tend to continuously polish their manners to smaller details whereas my husband does not necessarily bother with such things, just like most other parents I have met do not.
For example, he doesn't seem to know how to make them contain themselves when they start frolicking in the store - and he often lets them do the "children will be children" thing until the "child thing" turns quite annoying even for him, and then he gets frustrated because he doesn't know how to make them stop; and then, here comes the mom with the "evil eye". And they stop.
I really wish he could do the "evil eye" once in a while for me - yes, simply because he's the man.
Granted, our kids have never REALLY been out of control, as in running wild or throwing tantrums in stores, or other definitions of "out of control" routinely used by American parents; but they certainly can get to a point where my husband gets frustrated because he doesn't know how to deal with them.
He is the kind of person that is not easily upset but once he is, he gets really mad and cannot stay calm and authoritative. Those episodes happen rarely.
My husband is also afraid, deep down, that if gets harsh with them they will not like him anymore - which is a terrible thing to believe for one million reasons. I explained to him why this is NEVER so, unless the harsh parent is also a cold, disinterested parent, incapable of showing love and affection of any sort - which is clearly NOT the case for either of us.
He still can't understand how come the kids flock to me like crazy even if I am also the spanker, the "evil look"-er, the "NO!" parent, the so called "harsh one" - always setting higher (and implicitly more uncomfortable) expectations for their behavior.
As far as I am concerned, I have complete faith in my style of child rearing mainly because many generations all over the world, since time immemorial, did this and the results were pretty darn good compared to the products of modern, post 60's parenting.
I have read to my husband one hundred arguments along those lines and he also sees how attached the kids are to me, DESPITE the fact that I am supposed to be the "mean" one . And yet, he still doesn't seem to get it.
I told him that I would like the kids to see him make some unwavering, "because-daddy-said-so" decisions in front of them, even if it is about a very small thing.
For example, the other day the boy wanted to put on his suspenders with a casual outfit that wasn't appropriate for suspenders. The father said, "no, I don't think the suspenders work with that outfit" and he clearly didn't want the boy to go out dressed like that. Yet, when our son insisted, he gave in. It bothered me he gave in. I would have preferred him to say "no, take the suspenders back in the drawer, you will wear this". Period.
Now, I didn't give this example to open for discussion our views on "child dressing" - as we both know what those are and we are both on the same page. We agree that we are not, and will never be the kind of parents who think it is cute that offspring is showing such a "unique personality" by CHOOSING to don a too-too skirt, hiking books, tiara and a soccer t-shirt - all on her own, all this suggesting what a great fashion designer she will become.
What bothered me was that my husband ended up saying "well...OK" even if he wanted to say "NO".
So final question: granted that I am not about to change my parenting style to make it even "softer" than my husband's, and granted that a lot of my husband's way of relating to the kids is obviously not easy to change - what kind of "negatives" have you heard about the situations where the mother is the disciplinarian of the house, and not the father?
I should add that the father, by no means, undermines my authority in front of the children and he is 99% of the time on the same page with me - but he prefers to let me do the "dirty work" (discipline).
Yes I was a single no nonsense parent as well and it has definately worked well for me . Your husband needs to be a little stricter and stick to his guns and put his foot down and learn the word no . Of course my ex was lax as a parent and the boys could do what they wanted too at his house which had no rules and no disipline . I have no negatives my boys both turned out very well one is a firefighter /paramedic and the other son is a surgical technician . They both own their own homes and have never done drugs or been brought home by the police . All in all I would say I did a wonderful job and I think you are too . Dont let your husbands softer style influence you to let up as they say on those kids it will pay off in the long run .
I think it is unfair of him to burden you with 'the dirty work'. No one wants to be the bad cop all the time. It seems that you resent it somewhat already...how do you think you will feel after another 10 years of the same? How do you think your kids will feel? Parenting should be a partnership...he doesn't get to opt-out of the tough stuff and you might have to compromise on some of your standards.
If you have agreed to certain standards of parenting he needs to be able to enforce them just as you do.
Lets go back to the grocery store. It is either acceptable for the kids to frolic around or it is not. Start there. Set a standard that you will both agree to enforce. His method of allowing them to frolic for a while and then asking for them to stop is inconsistent....it's no wonder they don't listen to him. The rules are subjective.
Do the same thing for other areas. How do you want the kids to address themselves in a room full of people? What are the standards for clothing or manners at the table? Decide together and then you both hold the kids accountable to the RULES. You don't have to play bad cop...you just have to enforce the rules.
My first husband was a truck driver. He was gone except for every other weekend. I can tell you I was the heavy ALL THE TIME. He never disciplined, ever. When he came home it was Party Time. He brought the girls gifts and took them to the park. At first it was alot of fun but it got old quick. PLUS after a few years when he came home he would overturn my decisions. THAT pissed me smooth off. Very soon it didn't work for us anymore. He thought I was MEAN and I thought he didn't care enough to be home to see what the kids were doing good OR bad. We were married a total of 12 years and 2 daughters.
He was much the same, he would let them go till they got out of hand then couldn't control them and would get angry. I tried to help him understand you just can't let it go that far. Of course he thought I was mean. It still ended up the same. I got real tired of being "The Meanie" "The Warden" yes he actually called me that to the children, "The Heavy".
I don't know. Sometimes I'm tougher and other times my husband is. I don't try to control the way that he parents and he doesn't try to control the way that I parent. He has his way and I have mine. He's better at certain things and in certain situations then I am and vice versa. We share the same values and morals so despite our different styles, we're on the same page.
My house is a bit of a mix. My wife is a SAHM, so the primary discipline duties do fall on her. Of course, we communicate well and often, so I stay in the loop and we are able to be consistent. I tend to be a little softer in some areas and my wife is a little softer in others.
The hard part for me is wanting to be a little softer than I should be on the weekends or when I first get home from work. I really only get to see the kids from like 6p-8p during the week and then on the weekends. It makes it hard to always be as strict as I should be when our time is limited. However, I also know it's not fair to my wife to always make her the "mean one". I guess the key is just to be on the same page and be consistent.
I think it is unfair of him to burden you with 'the dirty work'. No one wants to be the bad cop all the time. It seems that you resent it somewhat already...how do you think you will feel after another 10 years of the same? How do you think your kids will feel? Parenting should be a partnership...he doesn't get to opt-out of the tough stuff and you might have to compromise on some of your standards.
If you have agreed to certain standards of parenting he needs to be able to enforce them just as you do.
Lets go back to the grocery store. It is either acceptable for the kids to frolic around or it is not. Start there. Set a standard that you will both agree to enforce. His method of allowing them to frolic for a while and then asking for them to stop is inconsistent....it's no wonder they don't listen to him. The rules are subjective.
Do the same thing for other areas. How do you want the kids to address themselves in a room full of people? What are the standards for clothing or manners at the table? Decide together and then you both hold the kids accountable to the RULES. You don't have to play bad cop...you just have to enforce the rules.
This is just what I was thinking - and seems like excellent advice to me. The consistency and backing each other up is the big thing, imo.
The fact that dad is "softer" doesn't have to be a problem as long as dad backs mom up and vice versa (and any disagreement is after the fact and behind closed doors where kids don't have a clue that such discussions have taken place).
Dad is doing the kids no big favors but demonstrating that NO doesn't really mean NO. That just encourages kids to be manipulative and in many cases - to whine/wheedle/bargain/etc.
I am curious to hear more opinions about the mother being the disciplinarian in the house and the father being the "softer" parent. It seems to have become the case in our family although I, personally, would prefer things to be a little different.
My grandmother ruled her family with an iron fist. She took no crap from anyone. Ever. Yet she was very close to her four daughters, two sons, two adopted foster sons, one foster daughter, assorted other fosters, and a grandson she raised. My grandfather worked the railroad and was tired when he got home from work. In my years of growing up, he spent hours and hours in the basement with his tools and woodworking, or sitting in a chair. He'd go to family picnics, etc., but Grandma ruled the family. Everybody loved Grandpa, but Grandma ruled the family right up until she died at 80 something. She was the go-to person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa
I really wish he could do the "evil eye" once in a while for me - yes, simply because he's the man.
Have him stand in front of a mirror and practice. Seriously. Stand side by side, show him yours, then have him show you his. Could be fun.
For real, maybe he doesn't know how to make the "evil eye" and is embarrassed to try. Once he has it mastered in front of the mirror, and in front of you, he could give it a test drive with one of the kids, then expand from there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa
My husband is also afraid, deep down, that if gets harsh with them they will not like him anymore - which is a terrible thing to believe for one million reasons. I explained to him why this is NEVER so, unless the harsh parent is also a cold, disinterested parent, incapable of showing love and affection of any sort - which is clearly NOT the case for either of us. He still can't understand how come the kids flock to me like crazy even if I am also the spanker, the "evil look"-er, the "NO!" parent, the so called "harsh one" - always setting higher (and implicitly more uncomfortable) expectations for their behavior.
It's because of your next paragraph:
Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa
As far as I am concerned, I have complete faith in my style of child rearing mainly because many generations all over the world, since time immemorial, did this and the results were pretty darn good compared to the products of modern, post 60's parenting.
I have read to my husband one hundred arguments along those lines and he also sees how attached the kids are to me, DESPITE the fact that I am supposed to be the "mean" one . And yet, he still doesn't seem to get it.
I told him that I would like the kids to see him make some unwavering, "because-daddy-said-so" decisions in front of them, even if it is about a very small thing.
Good place to start.
Quote:
Originally Posted by syracusa
So final question: granted that I am not about to change my parenting style to make it even "softer" than my husband's, and granted that a lot of my husband's way of relating to the kids is obviously not easy to change - what kind of "negatives" have you heard about the situations where the mother is the disciplinarian of the house, and not the father?
The negatives come in when the mother and/or father do not demand that the kids have respect for the father.
Have him practice in front of a mirror until he builds confidence in the "evil eye".
Have him practice being firm and confident in his decisions by saying no, then not changing his stance.
Little steps, big payoffs.
In our house I tend to be the disciplinarian, but that's because I am home with the kids all day and I have to be the one to teach them what is and is not acceptable behavior.
That being said, while my husband by default is the "softie", the reality is we work hard to be a team together and are on the same page in how we raise our kids. And we keep communication upoen when new circumstances are on the horizon and we need to outline a "battleplan" on how to tackle them So while I may be the one who has to dole out the consequences to both positive and negative behavior the majority of the time, I know my husbands got my back. The kids know they cant play us against each other. They have tried once or twice and learned very quickly thats not a tactic to try with us.
When my husband is around we have the rule "whichever parent starts to deal with a situation is the one to follow through". And sometimes the other parent may not quite agree with the outcome, but in front of our kids we're a team. We discuss it later when they're in bed and figure out alternatives if the situation happens again.
Each parent parents differently and each child learns best differently. Aside from extremities like child abuse, there really isnt the perfect parenting technique. One of the hardest things to learn, but the most POWERFUL tool in raising children with your spouse, is to talk talk talk and compromise on both ends to find a workable middle ground. By doing this you both have the power to raise kids as a team without the feeling of resentment or anger. Best of luck to you
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Parenting should be a partnership...he doesn't get to opt-out of the tough stuff and you might have to compromise on some of your standards.
So while I may be the one who has to dole out the consequences to both positive and negative behavior the majority of the time, I know my husbands got my back. The kids know they cant play us against each other. They have tried once or twice and learned very quickly thats not a tactic to try with us.