Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
That's not what unconditional love means to me. Unconditional love means loving the person even if you don't love the behavior. No matter what you do, I will always love you. That doesn't mean I will always put up with bull****, financially support you forever, not turn you into the police. It simply means that I will always love you. Even tough love is unconditional love. Even if you throw an adult child out of the house, you never stop loving. You throw an adult child out because you love them.
For some reason people think they are supposed to unconditionally love their children. They don't. Not all parents do.
Unconditional: Not limited in any way (Merriam-Webster)
IMO, that is what is getting families and society in such a mess.
Actually, conditional love is what some authors believe is the failing of today's parenting. See, when parents punish but also withhold love, the parent still KNOWS that they love the child but the child doesn't know this. They feel they were given the ultimate punishment, the temporary loss of love from parents. They must then behave to earn that love back. In theory, children are not behaving because it is the good of society or good for themselves, they are behaving to earn love from their parents. IMO, love is a birthright.
That is why I don't do rewards or punishments for good behavior or bad behavior. I don't praise my daughter for learning how to throw trash away, I don't scold her for not listening to my command (conditional love) and I don't do it for her (keeping her happy) if she doesn't do it.. I take her hand and walk her to the trash.
The reason for this is because there are times she is very clingy. Its not that she wants to disobey me, its that going to the trash means leaving my side.
If she interrupts me while I talk, I don't try to make her feel like a bad little girl (conditional love) or I don't just keep on talking and ignoring her (another way of trying to keep her happy). Since she is still too small to understand that interruptions are disrespectful, I quiet down, she usually does too and I ask, is there something you want to say? And I model respect back to her by not interrupting her. When she pauses, I say, are you finished? She gets shy again and I start talking.
When she is older (~18 months) I will start telling her to wait until I am done and teach her how to let me know she needs to tell me something. I am teaching her how to be successful and if she doesn't do it 100% right, I will not be angry by it, or offended by it. I am the adult, I should be able to cope with mistakes. But right now at 16 months I am teaching her something even if she doesn't understand manners.
Another thing about unconditional love is that you accept that people make mistakes, especially children, that is why you have to discipline them. To come down hard on a child for making a mistake makes them less likely to take chances because of fear of failure.
The flip-side of this is praising them too much. "You are so smart" "everything is so easy for you" can actually hurt a child. She may end up only looking for activities or challenges that she knows she will be successful at.
One thing I do not use is time-out except for situations where communication has broken down, disrespect is shown from all parties, basically, the situation is out of control. I won't use it to change her behavior like not listening to a command. IMO, when used like this, it is conditional love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sll3454
A young relative of mine is raising a child. Her stated goal is to make him happy.
Has that become the goal of parents? In previous generations, parents wanted to raise their children to be self-sufficient, or successful, or responsible, or even good. Now parents want to make their children happy.
Then that is a mistake. If you don't show a better way to act towards others just to keep a child happy, you are setting them up for failure. That is not unconditional love. That is a different need that the parent is trying to fulfill for themselves. The child has to be shown better, otherwise, she may not have friends or may choose the wrong kind of friends.
It is not that parents don't want to teach responsibility. Its the "how to teach it" is what they have problems with. They find many of the current practices wrong which includes, blame, shame and pain. I also include rewards and time-out to this list.
Ever wonder why there are good teachers and bad teachers. The most important characteristic of a good teacher is one who teaches without shaming the child.
I see some of that (often it's the same people though) but I ALSO see kids who are overcoming all kinds of things and working hard to succeed. Kids who are working hard at school or sports so they may be eligible for scholarships, who work and volunteer, who give of themselves in ways that amaze me. I find that I tend to see what I'm looking for. When I look for the negative, that's what I see; when I look for the positive there's plenty of that going around also.
ITA. I see the occasional parent who is a codependent mess (more online than IRL, fwiw, at least now that I don't work with detox clients). Mostly though I see parents who are raising their kids with the expressed goal of not having them living in the basement at twenty. Maybe it's perspective. Maybe it's location (I'm told by family members it's far more common in the Boston/New York corridor, because of the cost of living, for children to be at home long after what I would consider a good leaving age.) Or maybe I just live in a different world than NE or syracusa...in which case, I'm quite glad of that.
ITA. I see the occasional parent who is a codependent mess (more online than IRL, fwiw, at least now that I don't work with detox clients). Mostly though I see parents who are raising their kids with the expressed goal of not having them living in the basement at twenty. Maybe it's perspective. Maybe it's location (I'm told by family members it's far more common in the Boston/New York corridor, because of the cost of living, for children to be at home long after what I would consider a good leaving age.) Or maybe I just live in a different world than NE or syracusa...in which case, I'm quite glad of that.
That is because one major characteristic of a co-dependent is to give advice to others. They believe that others are incapable of taking care of themselves. I know, because I am a recovering co-dependent (no drugs in my case). This is the result of being punished, blamed, shamed and pained as a child. My sibling is also a co-dependent but he was raised "to keep him happy."
This entire thread has been interesting. I have two adult children still living at home. My 25-year-old daughter graduated from U.C. Berkeley a year and a half ago with a degree in Psychology. She worked with autistic kids for a few months, decided she didn't want to do that as a career, and then she also decided she didn't want to stay in that field. Now she's taking art classes in hopes of putting a decent portfolio together for art school. She wants to become an animator. In the meantime, she's paying me rent (far below market rate, yes, but it's still teaching her to budget and that she needs a better paying job!) and working retail part time. She has friends who are still living at home and not paying any kind of rent.
My son has been a bit more troublesome. He got himself into a lot of debt, and now has to figure out how to pay it off - or declare bankruptcy. He's barely making above minimum wage, but even if I had the money to help him, I wouldn't. This is a very important lesson he has to learn, after all. He is still in community college, but has almost earned an AA. He doesn't want to transfer to a four-year university and is now talking about getting into a trade of some kind, because he doesn't want to be stuck behind a desk. When he stops going to school, he has to pay me rent, even if it's only $100 a month. No one lives with me without either going to school or paying rent! My kids have both known that for years.
A few days ago we were talking about his future, and he said, "I know I've been taking my time, but I'm still figuring things out. You want me to be happy, don't you?" I looked at him, and then said, "Happy? No, not really. Most of us find fulfillment outside of work, but we do what's necessary to pay the bills and feed ourselves. Happiness isn't a requirement." He was taken aback by that, but it's true!
The economy here in southern California is very bad right now, especially for people without a useful college degree. My daughter is now talking about getting a part time office job, because at least she's get some experience in that area. Most of her job experience to date has been in retail. My son has been networking, talking to friends, etc. and no one is hiring right now. Or if they are hiring, it's for the same amount or only slightly more than he's making now. At the same time, my kids don't smoke, drink, or do drugs, and they help around the house as well.
As parents, our job is to make sure our children become functioning, independent adults! In hard times like these, this job doesn't end when the kids turn 18 or even when they graduate from college necessarily, especially in expensive areas that have been hit hard economically. Rents have decreased, but not to the point where either one of my kids can afford to move out even if they had roommates. They both know that I have expectations that they will do what they can to find better jobs, etc., though.
And as for parents who are "friends" to their kids, I'm still not friends with mine. They have plenty of friends; I'm their mother. No one else can fill that role, and it's still an important one. My kids show a lot more respect for me than many other young adults they know, so I must be doing something right.
"A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary." (Dorothy Canfield Fisher)
Why has this changed? All the mothers who think their children should stay home forever, or at least well into adulthood have forgotten that it's our responsibility to prepare our children as they are growing to become responsible.
What has changed?
In addition, children are not being raised to be men and women. They are being raised to be all the same with no definition between the sexes except the sex organs themselves.
I don't buy the whole Westernized, especially Americanized, version of child rearing, adulthood, etc.
I have no compunction teaching my children that individuals are what make the person and not their gender, sexual orientation, skin color, etc.
Tried to rep you. Totally agree. Just yesterday, I needed someone to lean on. My nephew was in a terrible car accident and is in a trama center. After visiting my brother who is sitting vigil at the hospital, I left feeling so sad and helpless. I NEEDED to lean on someone. I NEEDED to call a friend to talk about my sadness. After talking to my friend, I feel much better. It's easier to cope with tragedy when you have other people to share your feelings with.
Agreed. My own mother is very dry, emotionally unavailable, very hard. Not supportive in the least. I can't tell you the amount of times I've called in times of need - emotional or otherwise - just to have her flat out tell me to deal with it myself and go on to describe her Fabulous Life. Ugh.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
