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I never changed the locks on the house, only took the car keys which had the house key on the same ring. I really dont think that giving her the car is the best idea. She stated she wants to try things on her own, my providing a car is not on her own. Plus she has 2 younger brothers watching and will most likely expect the same treatment. She was sneaky, lying, not keeping up her schoolwork, got upset and left, now I am giving her a car. hmmmm, wonder what message that sends to her brothers. ??
hmmm...wonder where she learned those actions from?
If the insurance company will let her stay on the health plan I am fine with it. There is no extra charge for 2 vs 3 kids on the plan.
She is now contacting my husband stating that she wants to see us and talk, not sure what that means. She told him 2 different times yesterday that she was going to come by and then at the last minute said she was somewhere, out of town and couldnt come. She said she would come by another day and we ended up with no firm commitment of when she is coming. My husband feels she is still trying to play us with the "I'm coming/I cant make it routine"...
Who knows??
i think you care more about money than you do about your daughter.
your husband may be the good guy in this situation. so she prefers to talk to the reasonable side of the family.
i really think you need to lose the chip fast sister, or you're going to keep spiraling towards losing your daughter and her mistakingly hurting herself because you couldn't show compassion.
this girl is 18 years old, and is trying to live her life the way she wants, she hasen't come home with drugs, she's living with a decent family right now, and best of all she ain't preggers.
I never changed the locks on the house, only took the car keys which had the house key on the same ring. I really dont think that giving her the car is the best idea. She stated she wants to try things on her own, my providing a car is not on her own. Plus she has 2 younger brothers watching and will most likely expect the same treatment. She was sneaky, lying, not keeping up her schoolwork, got upset and left, now I am giving her a car. hmmmm, wonder what message that sends to her brothers. ??
You're right on this. Not a lot of kids get cars given to them for poor performance at school and moving out of the house. You do not owe her a car and you have other children who will be needing to drive who still live in your home.
The problem I see is the way you were handling her moving out. Growing up and moving out is a natural thing. So what she is with someone you don't approve of. You can't choose who she loves. Encourage her to be responsible and let her go. It isn't a personal insult to you; it's natural progress whether she does it your way or not.
I got married at 18 and moved out. I knew nothing about finances or being an adult. We learned the hard way to be responsible, but NEVER ONCE went back to my parents' house, or his. We visited because that was no longer home.
Out of five offspring, my parents never had any of us move back. We all left as we became of age and learned how to take care of ourselves.
Wow, i didn't read through all the pages of this thread just the first one.
My Question to the mother of this daughter is:
What do you want?
I want my family together. I want to be close to my daughter, I want to be able to trust my daughter that she is being honest and I dont want her putting me in the middle of her drama with her boyfriend and I dont want to watch her carelessly spend money while she has us footing the bill for her expenses.
Just stop and think about it. What do you want to have happen?
I want my daughter to grow up and be more respectful and responsible. Do I want her back in the house? I dont know, I love her but it sure is peaceful without her.
I agree.... and packing up her room when she has only been gone a few weeks also sends that direct message to her. She said she wasnt coming back, why not let her brother have the space?
Along with our unconditional love, we unconditionally provide a loving, safe, nurturing home for our kids. None of "this is my house and I can kick you out if I want to" mentality at our home. It is a home that we share with our children. And before anyone replies to the extreme as they do on here, that doesn't mean we don't have rules that they must follow.
I agree with this wholeheartedly, wish I would of heard it or thought of it before I got so upset. Thanks
I really dont think that giving her the car is the best idea. She stated she wants to try things on her own, my providing a car is not on her own. Plus she has 2 younger brothers watching and will most likely expect the same treatment.
If she had moved away to live at college, you would have let her take the car with her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgette52010
She was sneaky, lying, not keeping up her schoolwork, got upset and left, now I am giving her a car.
It's not rewarding her. It's giving her the tools to be as successful as possible. Not allowing her to have the vehicle is forcing her to depend on the boyfriend. I personally would rather my child have tools to succeed with a chance at true independence and responsibility. Her starting with limited tools and resources is a recipe for failure. I would NOT want my child to fail at her first time living on her own.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgette52010
hmmmm, wonder what message that sends to her brothers. ??
You're sending all kinds of messages to your sons as it is. I guarantee you that your sons have learned a quick lesson that they need to do a better job at hiding from you their plans to move out of the house when the time comes. You can provide your daugther with tools without their thinking it's a reward for bad behavior.
Honestly, I'm a bit surprised that they are so knowledgable about what's happening. I would have protected my younger children from the details and the drama that unfolded.
My parents sure didn't expose us to details of their disappointments with siblings. They talked among themselves privately. They talked to each of us when they had problems with us privately. There are many things that my siblings did that I had no knowledge up until I was an adult. And there were things my siblings didn't know about me. Honestly, children do not need to know if a sibling is getting bad grades. It blows my mind how so many people parent with an audience.
It blows my mind how so many people parent with an audience.
LOL! Your kids must not be teens yet! Sometimes the best lesson learned is from watching the mistake of a sibling.
We are an open family...there isn't too much privacy unless one child asks for it. When they mess up, they have each other to console.
Teens often think they are right and parents are wrong...when they hear a parent talking to another child and know what the parent is saying is right...they listen better when it comes to themselves! At least that has been my experience.
Georgette, if you really think she needs a car, my advice would be to keep her on your insurance so that you know she is insured and agree on a sum for the car and have her pay you a monthly car payment. If she can keep up with those payments when she has paid the agreed sum, you can transfer the car into her name. If she can't, you can put the money towards what you paid for her insurance and refund her the difference and tell her she can use it to buy a different car.
Sometimes the best lesson learned is from watching the mistake of a sibling.
We will have to agree to disagree on that one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by renovating
We are an open family...there isn't too much privacy unless one child asks for it. When they mess up, they have each other to console.
Teens often think they are right and parents are wrong...when they hear a parent talking to another child and know what the parent is saying is right...they listen better when it comes to themselves! At least that has been my experience.
Funny. My daughter has a friend whose parents open parent like that. The younger children are running the house by always calling the shots and claiming things aren't FAIR. The parents are always bowing down to a child saying "that's not fair." Strangest thing I ever heard. Seriously.
If a child has bad grades, there are sometimes reasons to give a reward for other behavior. When everyone knows everyone's business, that opens you up to other children accusing you of being unfair, when in reality children are individuals and each child needs to be parented differently to be the most effective.
I'd never withhold a child from attending a private school simply because I couldn't afford to send all of the children to private school. I certainly never worried about one expecting something I did for another. I did what was best for each child in each circumstance. I did not put myself in a situation where children whined about fairness or expected something based on what I did for another child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by renovating
Georgette, if you really think she needs a car, my advice would be to keep her on your insurance so that you know she is insured and agree on a sum for the car and have her pay you a monthly car payment. If she can keep up with those payments when she has paid the agreed sum, you can transfer the car into her name. If she can't, you can put the money towards what you paid for her insurance and refund her the difference and tell her she can use it to buy a different car.
That's a good plan. It eliminates the younger childrene expecting special treatment since the OP's children know everything that's going on. It's just weird to me to worry about the younger children like that.
My parents raised us without having to worry about children expecting things from them. They gave some children cars, others didn't get cars. Some went to private school, others went to public school. None of us ever felt they were unfair. None of us ever weighed what one was getting against the other. My parents based their decisions on each individual circumstance and what was better for each child.
We are an open family...there isn't too much privacy unless one child asks for it. When they mess up, they have each other to console.
And this is what you got from it???
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
Funny. My daughter has a friend whose parents open parent like that. The younger children are running the house by always calling the shots and claiming things aren't FAIR. The parents are always bowing down to a child saying "that's not fair." Strangest thing I ever heard. Seriously.
If a child has bad grades, there are sometimes reasons to give a reward for other behavior. When everyone knows everyone's business, that opens you up to other children accusing you of being unfair, when in reality children are individuals and each child needs to be parented differently to be the most effective.
I'd never withhold a child from attending a private school simply because I couldn't afford to send all of the children to private school. I certainly never worried about one expecting something I did for another. I did what was best for each child in each circumstance. I did not put myself in a situation where children whined about fairness or expected something based on what I did for another child.
What the heck??? I have no idea how your response has anything to do with my comment about being open (ie honest) in my family.
I have no idea how or why you brought up fairness which has nothing to do with my comment. Either you have no idea what I meant or you are just twisting things.
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