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I wouldn't JUST put her belongings in the garage so she can come and go from the garage for stuff. I would put them in the garage and then inform her inform her that she has to pick up her belongings by X time on X day, and if she doesn't pick them up you are either going to throw them away or drop them off in the boyfriend's yard. Don't say which one it will be.
If she doesn't show up before the designated time, drop them off in the boyfriend's yard and send her a text telling her they are there. Or you could tell her they are out on the curb with the garbage cans.
I wouldn't let her GO THROUGH things at your house. Make her take the stuff to the boyfriend's house and go through things there. Don't let her leave you with a pile of stuff that she doesn't want.
Being consistent is just as important with adults as it is with minors. Have you moved her brother into her room yet? If not, why hasn't he moved into her room?
You need to follow through on decisions you make and what you tell her. You need to make decisions for yourself, not just sit around waiting for her to make decisions. The offer to move back in has been made. Don't expect an answer. Quit expecting her to come back in the short term. If she does, great. But you need to get it in your head that she's gone so you can move on with your life. If she comes back next month so be it. But in your head, just learn to accept she's gone and not coming back. Just letting her know that she always has a safe place (if she agrees to terms) is good enough---be it next week, next month or next year----quit expecting an answer.
She'll come to you when she's ready and I guarantee that she'll be willing to talk about the terms when she does because she will be desperate to come back when she's the one coming to you.
I wouldn't JUST put her belongings in the garage so she can come and go from the garage for stuff. I would put them in the garage and then inform her inform her that she has to pick up her belongings by X time on X day, and if she doesn't pick them up you are either going to throw them away or drop them off in the boyfriend's yard. Don't say which one it will be.
If she doesn't show up before the designated time, drop them off in the boyfriend's yard and send her a text telling her they are there. Or you could tell her they are out on the curb with the garbage cans.
I couldn't disagree more. I would not do this unless you are ready to never speak to your daughter again.
Why the rush? Put her things in the garage and let her know they are available to her for pick-up.
Georgette, go about your usual daily business. When your daughter is ready to talk, she will come to you. Until then, chill. She may come in and out for weeks. She will come to a decision in her own time. Seems like everyone is pushing from all directions. Give her some room. Growing up isn't easy at this age. She will figure it out if given enough room.
Wow, so she shows up tonight and just expects to blow in, grab a sweater and leave. I nicely asked her when she planned on taking all her things and her father offered to load them in the car for her. She said this was a very inconvenient time for her and she would go thru her things another day. She said I dont want to take 7 sweaters with me when all I need is 1. I told her I would be moving her things out of the house and into the garage this weekend. I am pretty upset how she is around for 5 or 10 minutes and causes chaos and drama. Yes, I didnt have to engage her but I dont want her blowing in and out and ignoring her brothers while she is here. so annoyed and sad
This might be alot of work but do you have a friend/relative who would have storage space for her things? That would take you and the immediate family out of the drama.
Hang in there.
The girl is unbelievable, she cant call or stop by and see her grandma on her 80th birthday but she has to hurry up and get to a party for one of his family members.
Just as my daughter seemed to prefer his mother over me. It is hard to deal with.
Hang in there, she is having fun needling you. It will pass and you will make it. I know it is embarrassing and we women often cry when we are actually angry.
A dairy queen blizzard would work about now.
I hope not and thanks I will try to remember that. It really saddens me, the choices she is making and how she is turning her back on everyone. I don't know what her intentions are with coming home. 7/8 days ago she said she planned on coming home soon. I guess our definitions of soon are contrasting. I just want to be able to be comfortable and somewhat happy in my own home with out depressing reminders all over.
This just continues to be so unreal to me.
Just keep moving forward. We are here for you.
It is so hard when you have dreams for them and work so hard so they will have a chance.
You may never know and there may never be a reason for all of this.
Am I wrong for asking her to take her things? or informing her that I was going to move it to the garage? She doesnt live here. She told her father that she has been texting me. Yes, I received 2 texts from her in the last 5 days.
No you are not wrong but this is your Achilles heel. You may be looking for finality and she is using this as an umbilical cord back to you. Moving the stuff to a neutral location might give you some peace. It worked for me.
I think that is cruel advice... she is still a member of the family not a bad tenant or a piece of garbage.
I believe the OP was accused of being extremely controlling and this makes it worse.
Hopes may I just ask have you experienced any of this with any of your children or are you a psychologist? I am finding that some of the advice is sending the OP on the wrong track into a train wreck.
There are a few of us who have experienced an issue similar to this and have tried to give good advice to the OP to help her based on our own experiences.
It does sound to me that the OP has everything at this point under control and I give her a lot of credit.
None of us know her daughter nor the OP but can identify with her situation. We do not live with her and only she knows what is best for her family. We also do not know what she is thinking or feeling and unless you have been through something like this you cannot give proper advice.
I couldn't disagree more. I would not do this unless you are ready to never speak to your daughter again.
Why the rush? Put her things in the garage and let her know they are available to her for pick-up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld
I agree wholeheartedly Beth.
I think that is cruel advice... she is still a member of the family not a bad tenant or a piece of garbage.
I believe the OP was accused of being extremely controlling and this makes it worse.
My advice was to GIVE HER NOTICE. A previous poster suggested dumping her stuff in the boyfriend's yard without even giving her a chance to come pick up her stuff.
The OP has a right to demand a deadline from the daughter. The daughter has a right to notice.
The OP should let the daughter know what will happen to her stuff if she doesn't make it to the house by the deadline.
I'm not saying treat the daugther like garbage. I'm saying MAKE the daughter commit to picking up her stuff. As it stands, the daughter is playing games.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld
Hopes may I just ask have you experienced any of this with any of your children or are you a psychologist? I am finding that some of the advice is sending the OP on the wrong track into a train wreck.
There are a few of us who have experienced an issue similar to this and have tried to give good advice to the OP to help her based on our own experiences.
I assure you that I am giving advice based on my experience. You're welcome to read the entire thread and many other threads in the parenting forum if you want details.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld
It does sound to me that the OP has everything at this point under control and I give her a lot of credit.
None of us know her daughter nor the OP but can identify with her situation. We do not live with her and only she knows what is best for her family. We also do not know what she is thinking or feeling and
Everyone here is well aware of that. Anyone who isn't shouldn't own a computer or have internet access. LOL
Love posts like yours. The posts where people state the obvious. Seriously.
Quote:
Originally Posted by crazyworld
......unless you have been through something like this you cannot give proper advice.
I doubt ANYONE can give proper advice on this situation. We all are simply offering advice based on our experiences. Not sure why you think your experiences have more weight than mine.
I personally feel that posts where people ask these questions (like those posts where people say "do you even have children), are just trying to discredit people. Funny. I think I recall you being on of those posters who are always asking people if they have children. LOL
It becomes so boring to even respond----as if every single post should have a disclaimer stating our children, ages, and experience----just so we don't have to defend ourselves against people like you who constantly question us. LOL
I think I understand where Hopes advice is coming from. She made the decision to leave and not return. She said she was coming back and hasn't yet. It's unfair to myself and the rest of the family to sit here and keep waiting. I keep staring at the same spot on the wall and going back and forth in time as if it's a time machine. I cannot keep doing this to myself or the rest of the family. She's had her opportunities and she has made her decisions. Choosing not to make a decision, is still making a decision.
I need closure. I need to move on. I need to know my good decisions for the family members remaining in the house. What do I owe her? I don't know, maybe not much if anything at this point. A safe place to stay if she asks in the future may be it. I don't owe her dinner or friendship or help with schooling or medical advice or payment or a storage facility for her things. I know this may sound harsh but my feeling is dont expect me to treat you with more respect or kindness then you have shown or given us. I undoubtedly will because I am her parent and older, more mature, but it wont be too much more than what she has given/offered.
I have been told that she is trying to get away from me and to just leave her be. To just be there for her when it's an emergency and as hard as it may be it's better than living my life hanging on and around, waiting, watching and hoping for a break of daylight. For now I will move the things out of the house and finish moving her brother into the room. Just trying to stay calm and let it go.
No you are not wrong but this is your Achilles heel. You may be looking for finality and she is using this as an umbilical cord back to you. Moving the stuff to a neutral location might give you some peace. It worked for me.
I sure hope so, peace would be nice!
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