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I am sad that she left and it was done on such a sour note, yes its my fault, I am the adult, but still feeling hurt.
The sour note was a reflection of your relationship with one another. You both can move past it. This could be the best thing that ever happened to your relationship with her. You just need to accept that she's no longer a minor and you can no longer dictate her life. You need to move into the mentor role. Mentors aren't dictators or manipulators. Mentors are supportive and encouraging and guiding.
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Originally Posted by NCyank
Then tell her you are ready to meet her now and for goodness sake, no tears at the restaurant......don't use any other sort of emotional manipulation either.
You need to be able to acknowledge that SHE was/is not the only source of drama/conflict in your house. I bet she is thinking that without you around there is much less drama in her life as well....and she is right. You are each looking at it from a different perspective but you both have a part to play. One person can not argue alone, one person can not cause drama in a relationship or family unless the others react, respond or participate.
Great advice!
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Originally Posted by Georgette52010
Thanks Crazy! I know I did smother her and I did quit calling and texting her and his parents. I am just trying to let everyone be, but still have insane moments. She is growing up and apparently so I am.
Even in the most calm departures, empty nests are hard for parents. I'm struggling with the empty nest syndrom and my nest isn't even officially empty. Even though my children (who are your daugther's age) are living here, I am treating them like adults and allowing them to make their own decisons and live their own lives. It's hard to let go.
Compared to what's happening in your life, I'm sure our transition looks effortless. It's not effortless inside my feelings. I'm still feeling like I'm losing my babies. I just keep it to myself, talk to my husband, or start thread on here. Just know that you're not alone in how you feel.
But you need to get control of your emotions so you're not making her feel guilty or trying to manipulate her. Letting go means letting go.
Sound like she left the nest and is out the flapping her wings and bouncing off the ground with feathers flying.
You cannot change what has happened. What you can change is how you handle things in the future. The meeting in the restaurant is a reasonable place to start. (She could have asked you to come to the boyfriend's place where everybody and his brother would be there and you would be on defense.) The restaurant is nice, neutral territory.
Go. Listen to what she has to say. Compromise. Agree on how things will be IF she decides to return home. And if she comes home, do not bring up what has happened over and over every time she does somethng that gets your goat and ticks you off. Consider it totally off limits.
If things go south with the boyfriend and she NEEDS to come home, open your arms, work out the ground rules and shut your mouth. She may need a soft place to fall but the bed shouldn't be full of sticks constantly poking at her with reminders of this episode.
(It's interesting that she doesn't want to pay the car insurance. That seems to be a theme with a lot of 18 year olds today. Just make sure the car she is driving doesn't have your name on it. Make sure that she knows that if she has an accident SHE is fully responsible. And find a neutral party to explain car insurance to her. Why we have it. Why it may be mandatory in your state.)
I wish the best for BOTH of you.
I couldn't say it any better than this. I wish you both the best.
Telling Op that she is trying too hard to control or manipulate the situation is not the same as telling her she is a bad parent.
Sometimes people are too close to a problem to see where they are making their mistakes, and having an uninvolved party (or in the case of a CD forum, numerous parties) step up and point out where the behavior might benefit from a change can be helpful.
I needed to see some kind of empathy or compassion or something.
Most parents are going to hit this stage, or are hitting it, or have already hit it and some of us are going to handle this really well and some of us are going to hit a glitch. Some of us are going to feel like it is messy and actually pull it off really well and some are going to do the exact opposite. People aren't going to always say the right things or respond the right way in the heat of the moment.
I think people should be given room to breathe a little.
When parents hit this glitch and handle it the way as the OP did, they sometimes need tough love. I know parents who have messed up like this. My son's friend has a mother who refuses to talk to him. Someone needs to slap some sense into her. Her son is a good kid. She's all caught up in herself and destroying any possible relationshp she will ever have with her son. I have no empathy for his mother. She made this all about her pain and retaliated by withholding love and communication. I do NOT want the OP to make the same mistake. I want her to find a happy future with her adult daughter. And she's well on her way. She's responding well to the posts. She GETS what we're saying. She's not the timid woman you think that needs compassion. If you noticed, she's getting compassion from us now that we see she's making progress!
I needed to see some kind of empathy or compassion or something.
.......actually pull it off really well and some are going to do the exact opposite. People aren't going to always say the right things or respond the right way in the heat of the moment.
I think people should be given room to breathe a little.
Pandamonium.......................you hit the nail right on the head. Yes if it had been the 18 yr old posting about the problems these people would have jumped on her behind with "HER HOUSE HER RULES!!!" and "IF YOU DON"T LIKE IT MOVE OUT!!!" but when Mom posts the problems it is all her fault.
If you are providing services and the adult child living at home doesn't fulfill the part of the bargain you rescind the services. Or at least I do.
I would pack up her stuff. Tell her to call you when she is ready to come home to your rules. PERIOD. If you back down now she will walk all over you for the rest of her life.
That is what I did when my daughter left. I told her she better take it all or it would be gone when she came home the next time. What she didn't take I either threw away or gave away. I couldn't stand the reminder.
I totally understand why you didn't want to meet her in public. You were a crying wreck. No one wants to be in public like that. Keep your calm?? Yeah right. When my daughter (who is 17 now, 16 then) went to live with her father I cried DAILY. Sometimes several times a day. I finally get over it some and she has to come home for Christmas break for a visit. Before she leaves she informs me she isn't EVER coming to visit me again. Of course, then she needs somewhere to spend the summer. 20 kinds of hell all over again every day. I am all upset all over again. My mother is crying. I am crying. And the worst part of it all is she KNOWS she is hurting us. So to save my heart I have decided next time I will ship her a Christmas present. She won't come home. I will not allow it until she can convince me her attitude has changed. When she turns 18, yes the insurance is canceled. The only reason it isn't canceled NOW is because the court ordered us to carry it for her as long as WE have health ins.
Do you really, honestly think I would allow her to take a car with her that I bought for her? Not no but hell no. Since her father is so wonderful HE can provide her one, but he won't.
I love my daughter with all my heart but I cannot stand to watch her throw her life away. Her father's GF has 3 children with him and believes it is against her religion to use birth control. Ummm religion??? But she has 3 out of wedlock children. This is the example she is living for my daughter. "Normal" things like going to the Prom and taking Senior Pictures and getting a Class Ring are to expensive. Even though she has an allowance (sometimes when she isn't getting it taken away for being grounded) she can't do these things. I even offered to buy her the Prom Dress last year if her dad would buy the ticket ($25) but that is just tooooo much money. And through out the whole thing she wants to go back up there. I just can't understand WHY. They have NOTHING. They are always behind on the rent, struggling to buy diapers, ect. Besides the 3 babies (3 under 5yo) the GF also has a 17 yr old and 12 yr old boys. They have convinced her she shouldn't drive, she might have an accident you know. She can't go to college, she don't have the grades to get a scholarship. All I hear her say anymore is I Can't. That is NOT the child I sent up there.
So if I am manipulative, so be it. I really don't care. I can't care, I hurt to much. This is my house and if she wants to live with me she knows I expect her to do certain things.
#1. Dishes every other night
#2. Her own laundry.
#3. Be respectful of myself and my husband.
#4. Have a reasonable curfew (I think yours is fine. You have to have some sort of hours of normalcy.)
#5. Go to school. Get acceptable grades. C's are fine IF that is the best she can do.
#6. Control her dang mouth. She will NOT talk to me hateful. Never again. And she will NEVER, EVER hit me again either.
#7. Keep the bedroom picked up and presentable. It doesn't have to be spotless but I can't deal with mounds of dirty clothing spread everywhere.
I fully expect her to never come home again. If that is her decision then so be it. At least I will have peace in my own mind, home, and life.
When parents hit this glitch and handle it the way as the OP did, they sometimes need tough love. I know parents who have messed up like this. My son's friend has a mother who refuses to talk to him. Someone needs to slap some sense into her. Her son is a good kid. She's all caught up in herself and destroying any possible relationshp she will ever have with her son. I have no empathy for his mother. She made this all about her pain and retaliated by withholding love and communication. I do NOT want the OP to make the same mistake. I want her to find a happy future with her adult daughter. And she's well on her way. She's responding well to the posts. She GETS what we're saying. She's not the timid woman you think that needs compassion. If you noticed, she's getting compassion from us now that we see she's making progress!
Timidity is not a requirement for compassion or empathy. And it shouldn't be given as a reward.
You know, not just in this forum but in several others, we have people that will share some personal information or pose a question ....the sincere ones not the trollin' ones..... and they are attacked for it. The message that I think that it sends to people is that :you are operating outside of societies norms and you will rue that you brought it up.
If you go back to the beginning of this thread, and pretend that you have entered a room where you do not know any of these people and state your issue and then count the number of negative responses, I'm sure it can be overwhelming.
And we are just going to have to disagree about this.
I actually appreciate everyones honesty are varying points of view, it helps me to continually try to look at and approach this situation from another angle. Unfortunately this situation is a mess, but I dont think its too big to be remedied in time. I will have to take it very slowly and compassionately and try to think in terms of unconditional love for my daughter. I need to really learn how to control my temper and over-reacting much better, almost like I should apply the 24 hour rule before speaking when I am angry, hurt or feel slighted.
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