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Thats not what I said. I expect kids to follow written rules/contracts they have with schools, after school programs etc - not so much with their parents. The parents should be able to enforce rules without having to write out a contract with their children.
Actually, that is exactly what you said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Affirmed09
How bizarre...I guess whatever floats their boat. I see it as an easy way out for parents who have failed to control their kids behavior and feel the need to have it on paper to validate their verbal points.
I dont see anything wrong with the driving one as that can have major problems, anything else for me nope.
Rules can easily be enforced without contracts. But following rules doesn't really instill personal responsibility. You can have all the rules in the world and still not motivate a child to take personal responsibility or form their own values.
As I said, a contract is no different than reward charts people use for younger children, except a contract only addresses one long term goals and has only one major reward, where all parties are involved in determining the terms of the contract.
It has been my experience that children take rewards and consquences more seriously when they are involved in chosing the rewards and consquences. This is well documented child psychology. It has nothing to do with parents who use contracts being weaker at enforcing rules.
Remember, not all parents have the same parenting goals. People of different backgrounds and social groups have different goals for their children, but that's a topic for heated discussion in a different thread.
Frankly, I don't have a problem with adults being accountable towards their kids. I think kids are really marginalized in this society. If I say X, I should be accountable for doing it.
Please help me here because this idea is so foreign to me. (Adults being accountable towards their kids.) I may have a cognitive hang-up in my brain on this one.
I sign a contract with my kids. I say I am going to do X. If I don't do X (and I would have a very good reason for not doing X) what happens then? Do I apologize to my kids? How do I go about being "accountable" to my kids?
I am not trying to be snarky. This is very interesting to me and I'm trying to learn. So far I feel like I'm visiting from the Moon and I'm not THAT old.
The contracts I have seen are more for clearly outlining expectations of the kids...how/when privileges are attained. The accountability for the parents is more that you follow through as long as the child upholds their end of the bargain. There are parents out there who "forget" or change the rules (or seem to change the rules) just as there are kids who "forget" or believe something else was promised by the parents. I've had small misunderstanding with my kids over inconsequential things where I believe I said "we'll see" and he/she believed I said "yes..if"....The only time I have really heard of them being used by people I know are for driving - or grades. Whether it's driving their own car or the family car, there are clearly defined expectations that go along with that...what will happen if you get a ticket? Drive more people that allowed (by law or by parent)? Leave my car on empty? The other benefit is that this allows them to have a rudimentary understanding of contracts and how they work BEFORE they enter into one that is legally binding. I haven't had reason to use one yet but I wouldn't hesitate to use one if I felt the need.
ETA - honestly, I always thought "accountability" applied to all. I don't get that once you are a parent you are somehow exempt from being accountable. We are all accountable. I believe that parents are the head of the household and are in charge but that doesn't mean I can break my word for no reason - whether a verbal or a written word.
Please help me here because this idea is so foreign to me. (Adults being accountable towards their kids.) I may have a cognitive hang-up in my brain on this one.
I sign a contract with my kids. I say I am going to do X. If I don't do X (and I would have a very good reason for not doing X) what happens then? Do I apologize to my kids? How do I go about being "accountable" to my kids?
I am not trying to be snarky. This is very interesting to me and I'm trying to learn. So far I feel like I'm visiting from the Moon and I'm not THAT old.
Yes, IMO and in my home if my husband or I don't hold up our end of the bargain, if we break a promise, if we lose our tempers - we apologize to our children.
Yes, IMO and in my home if my husband or I don't hold up our end of the bargain, if we break a promise, if we lose our tempers - we apologize to our children.
I didn't take your post as snark.
Thanks! (On this board you can't be too careful. One wrong word and it's NO SOUP FOR YOU! )
I think they (contracts) can be especially useful if one has a challenging or very literal child.
Some kids want to have additional privileges but their attention span for sticking with things to attain these privileges is short and can be frustrating. It is easier for all involved if things are written down, signed and dated. You want a later curfew? You make curfew with no whining for a month and you will gain 1/2 hour (or whatever). You are late more than twice in a month then your curfew is reeled in by 1/2 hour...dated signed....no arguments over when the month started, he thought you meant something else, but everyone else is staying out until XX....whatever. Some kids (and adults honestly) process things better if they are in writing. It doesn't make ones parenting better or worse.
I had a contract with my parents as a child. The terms were I had to do what I was told, when I was told with no visible feedback. If I met the terms then I was eligible for shelter, food, clothing. If I violated them I sat outside naked and hungry.
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