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1.5 year olds don't typically engage in play with other children. Your daughter's desire to be around the adults rather then play with the children has much more to do with her natural social development then it does with how she has been parented.
You are right. She doesn't play with them, she engages, like offering a toy. When I asked the mothers who visited me to please stop singing songs and have some adult conversation it was pretty amazing how the little ones stayed quiet, went and did their own thing in the same room as us. They tended to group together and we no longer had little ones trying to get our attention as much. My daughter would come and go on my lap. Another thing I noticed is that the "fighting" over toys decreased when they were left alone.
I do not purposely ignore her. It wouldn't make sense to. Sometimes I am the only person she sees for most of the day and it is normal to talk to children in our culture. It would be weird for all the other kids to talk to their parents but I continue reading my book. I also know when to step back and that is usually when other kids are present.
I think that meeting you children's needs means different things at different ages.
I have an 11-year-old, an 8-year-old and a 5-month old. The baby is nursed or fed when she's hungry, changed as soon as she wets her diaper and picked up if she cries. The older children might have to fix themselves a sandwich or drink from our well-stocked fridge if I'm busy and they might have to wait a while for a ride to a playdate or for me to wash their favorite pair of jeans, depending on my schedule.
Also, just b/c my 11-year-old says she "needs" a cell-phone or tickets to the local Justin Bieber concert doesn't mean she'll get them, at least not right away. There's something to be said for teaching children about delayed gratification.
What's interesting is that although I've always nursed on demand and picked up my children when they cried, they slept through the night starting at 2-3 months. My friends who used the "cry it out" method have kids who were still waking up in the middle of the night when they were toddlers.
Very common thing for me to hear. Some parents just let them stay in their room and play.
A need is different from a want. To me, a need is something the child cannot do on their own. She can do things that most people would not believe she can do. I am not very far away, just pretending to mind my business but I am looking from the corner of my eye.
I guess I feel like there is a time an a place for everything. Sometimes it is play time, and parents should spend time interacting with their kids. Other times, the house needs to be cleaned, phone calls need to be made, and kids need to entertain themselves. I don't think they should grow up thinking that every moment of every day revolves around them. Nor should they feel neglected. I am no expert, I just think balance is important.
Right and if there isn't the right kind of balance, I think our children let us know. Don't you think?
Even in this post there are several different experiences/opinions & so on.
Read one poster who stated b/c their child went to daycare, they don't cry when the parent leaves. My child didn't go to daycare & he has never cried when I leave.
Read another post on CIO & cosleeping. Doesn't pertain to "my" experience.
Thus, what is all written and said & so on. Take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes just general conversation (like here) helps a person sort out the thoughts in their head.
Also, no need to be so deep with it all It's not a perfect science nor do our kids want perfection. They crave certain things at certain times..and again, it all pertains to the "that" family unit.
I just want to say to OP that I really enjoyed her original post and that I can relate, because I also experienced a high level of confusion in a very beginning of my mothering "career".
I picked up a book called Continuum Concept. It wasn't a parenting book, it was more philosophical than anything and it really opened my eyes. What you describe "having your baby in your world and let her observe and be part of it, rather than put her into this child centered world" is what this book was about.
Even in this post there are several different experiences/opinions & so on.
Read one poster who stated b/c their child went to daycare, they don't cry when the parent leaves. My child didn't go to daycare & he has never cried when I leave.
Read another post on CIO & cosleeping. Doesn't pertain to "my" experience.
Thus, what is all written and said & so on. Take it with a grain of salt. Sometimes just general conversation (like here) helps a person sort out the thoughts in their head.
Also, no need to be so deep with it all It's not a perfect science nor do our kids want perfection. They crave certain things at certain times..and again, it all pertains to the "that" family unit.
Thank you for that perspective. Yes, I think I was trying to lead people somewhere and I really shouldn't.
I think everybody has a different term for it "balance", "going with your gut", "attachment parenting", "living your life". I have been so deep lately because I knew I was at the verge of finding the secret that I needed to live happily. And I did. Now life is just life.
And yes, our children do not want perfection because they are not perfect and can never be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama
I just want to say to OP that I really enjoyed her original post and that I can relate, because I also experienced a high level of confusion in a very beginning of my mothering "career".
I picked up a book called Continuum Concept. It wasn't a parenting book, it was more philosophical than anything and it really opened my eyes. What you describe "having your baby in your world and let her observe and be part of it, rather than put her into this child centered world" is what this book was about.
Yes, I read the Continuum Concept and it does give you a different perspective but I will not try to replicate what the tribe did (some people are attempting this). It is just not possible and my daughter doesn't want me making up a whole new life. The book is not what got me here. It was a member on CD who gave a term for what I was experiencing and that was the gateway for Continuum Concept, though he never heard of the book I am sure.
1) why should I provide my daughter with 24 hour entertainment freely? 2)The best thing I ever did was go with my gut that something was wrong. 3) I changed gears and said, daughter, I am going to do the things I need to do and that is it. I still meet her needs but I no longer confuse my needs with hers.
You're right on all points. I think you should just follow your instincts and read the "experts" less. One thing our parents'--possibly it would be your grandparents'--generation had right was that their children were not the be-all and end-all of their lives....they had their own. They maintained and enforced clear boundaries between adults and children. They would've been, and am sure ARE (if they're still living), appalled at today's helicopter parenting.
You're right on all points. I think you should just follow your instincts and read the "experts" less. One thing our parents'--possibly it would be your grandparents'--generation had right was that their children were not the be-all and end-all of their lives....they had their own. They maintained and enforced clear boundaries between adults and children. They would've been, and am sure ARE (if they're still living), appalled at today's helicopter parenting.
This is true and I think is what other posters on CD were talking about and now I understand what they mean. The problem was that I experienced the childhood they say is the best but I grew up with something missing that I couldn't pinpoint. It was very real though.
I also didn't know what it meant when somebody would say, don't let your life revolve around your daughter. Because I couldn't just ignore her my instincts told me it was wrong to.
The thing is the grandparent generation got it wrong when they became grandparents. At least mind did. They would say, and even my mother now says, "I wish you could be kids again so I could enjoy that time." They also instructed me to enjoy my time with my daughter and that nothing else is really that important.
But I see now where I had things wrong and where they had things wrong. It has nothing to do with labels, parenting styles, experts, how tribes in the jungle act towards their kids, how much attention we should pay to our kids, developmental milestones. It has everything to do with what the continuum concept discussed. Actually, only one line from that entire book changed everything for me and it was not "live your life" but it finally got me doing that.
The thing is the grandparent generation got it wrong when they became grandparents. At least mine did. They would say, and even my mother now says, "I wish you could be kids again so Icould enjoy that time." They also instructed me to enjoy my time with my daughter and that nothing else is really that important.
Your mother is exerting a lot of pressure on you. It sounds as if she didn't develop any other interests in life besides raising children.
I admired my parents, although they had their faults, because they did have a life...they had their own friends, social life, interests, work (either paid or volunteer), hobbies, etc. They loved and spent time with us but never expected us to be their sole means of social support. Contrast that with today where parents (I am not speaking of parents of babies and toddlers) are so overinvolved with their children that they micromanage their kids' lives down to every detail. Or they don't develop their own social support system. A friend told me years ago that she and her husband wouldn't let their son quit softball because seeing other parents at hhis game was their social life. Tough for the child.
Your mother is exerting a lot of pressure on you. It sounds as if she didn't develop any other interests in life besides raising children.
I admired my parents, although they had their faults, because they did have a life...they had their own friends, social life, interests, work (either paid or volunteer), hobbies, etc. They loved and spent time with us but never expected us to be their sole means of social support. Contrast that with today where parents (I am not speaking of parents of babies and toddlers) are so overinvolved with their children that they micromanage their kids' lives down to every detail. Or they don't develop their own social support system. A friend told me years ago that she and her husband wouldn't let their son quit softball because seeing other parents at hhis game was their social life. Tough for the child.
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My mother is not exerting a lot of pressure, just having a lot of regrets and not wanting me to make the same mistakes.
She just missed the point again. All her life she had been living for the future. Eg. she couldn't wait for me to be more independent. Life passed her by waiting for the future. Now she is wishing for the past. Unfortunately, both don't exist. The only thing that exists is "now" and that is what she is missing out on.
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It's not a perfect science nor do our kids want perfection. They crave certain things at certain times..and again, it all pertains to the "that" family unit.
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