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It makes me bitter to work all day and then come home and clean all evening because she doesn't want to. Then she wants to cuddle at night and I just don't want to because I'm bitter that I had to come home to a big mess and clean it.
It's like we've all been dropped into an alternate universe!
But like someone earlier in the thread brought up gender reversal.
Why does depression always excuse only women who want to do nothing but lay around?
Because it is usually the women who get dumped into the stay-at-home-parent role and it can be a very lonely, unrewarding job, hence easily leading into depression for those already at a disposal for it.
Also, it is easy to check for. Changing a lifetime of housekeeping duties is not easy, especially when the person who wants a change is not the person who needs to do the change. Rule out the medical factors first.
How about this for a senario: The two come from extremely different backgrounds and expectations. Wife has a higher tolerance for messiness, with the addition of not being taught organization or housekeeping duties. Husband has a much lower tolerance for messiness. Hopefully, he was taught organization and housekeeping duties. However, just as easily, his mother could have done a lot of the work by herself and when the now-husband was not around. Therefore, the now-husband never actually saw how much work his mother put into a "clean" house. Now merge the two. There is a difference in what they think is acceptable. First, they try to compromise. Wife stresses out whenever MIL comes to visit because she knows she is a neatfreak. Slowly, the husband becomes more unhappy with the state of the house and the wife becomes more resentful--all over a large amount of time. Then kids come. Wife is tired and overwhelmed. Husband is scared about being a new dad, jealous he has to work and misses out on his baby. Husband makes comment about housework, wife gets upset and thinks that husband just doesn't get how hard it is to be a new mother. Add more children, more messes, less sleep, more work, more resentfulness. Wife gives up. Maybe depression sets in, making an already not-perfectly clean house with young kids into a war-zone.
Obviously, unless the OP tells us more, we won't know (like, has the mess gotten noticeably worse through the years). However, I do see the above scenario as very plausible--meaning that a medical checkup for the wife and couple counselling for both of them is called for. Helping the wife get involved in something outside of the home that interests her would help.
The messy house combined with the tardiness makes me think that either there is a case of depression or other fatigue-related disease at work, or she is a white-trash mother. But I think the OP would notice that and would have given us some other tips toward that end.
No, I'm all for constructive criticism...fire away.
But no, we don't have money to spare for a maid and yes, she came from a family of lousy houskeepers while I had an honest to god "Supermom" who did everything perfect (well, almost anyway). We've also been married for almost 13 years, so we're not new to each other either, and the problem has been ongoing since day 1 of the marriage.
This is the problem. I also came from a home of lousy housekeepers and my husband had a supermom. I could never live up to his expectations and we almost got a divorce. I was ready to divorce him, not the other way around. So don't be surprised if she starts talking about divorce. It happened to us and guess what? I am now a great housekeeper, I love it and I love my husband. I never thought I would be saying that. And yes, I did get depressed.
It makes me bitter to work all day and then come home and clean all evening because she doesn't want to. Then she wants to cuddle at night and I just don't want to because I'm bitter that I had to come home to a big mess and clean it.
And she is resentful and scared because you care more about your work and cleaning than you do about her. It is paralyzing to feel worthless, but to then have your fears confirmed by a nonexistant husband--worse than worse. You shut down, can't get yourself to do anything, then feel even worse because you mean to clean but can't get the energy to do so. Then your husband comes home and makes you feel worse and won't even touch you. Her life is empty and depressing. Man up, forget the damn mess and help your wife. Stop working so god-damn much and actually be a father and a husband. Buy your wife flowers, tell her you love her, take her out on a date, watch the kids so she can go out by herself, help her get involved in something just for her. Forget about your mother and her "perfectness." I am sure she was far from perfect for your father. We all have issues.
Well, I was hoping for ideas, not to just complain.
Anyways... It looks like I opened a can of worms here. There is no way I'm gonna be able to answer all the questions. But here's an attempt:
Yes, depression is a factor. We've both got it and she has been on medication for several years. (I'm not). We got married very young (she 18, me 20) and she was smoking hot back then, but not so much now. Still, it doesn't matter so much to me what she looks like. We all get older and uglier as time goes on, so it is shallow and stupid to dwell on stuff like that in my opinion.
She is not a total looser. She does some cleaning on her own, will usually clean if I'm also cleaning and she loves and cares for the kids a lot. I am sure she would jump into a cage of hungry tigers to save any one of them and would be sucessful at it.
I really do love her, but her hatred of cleaning is hurting our relationship. It makes me bitter to work all day and then come home and clean all evening because she doesn't want to. Then she wants to cuddle at night and I just don't want to because I'm bitter that I had to come home to a big mess and clean it.
We do our best to get the kids to help but it's hit and miss, of course. Also, our 10 year old is partially blind and has a complete set of his own emotional issues that I could whine about for days on the parenting forum.
Anyway, I'm still here.
maybe she needs to change her medication and go to therapy, or at least read a book. Feeling Good by David Burns was recommended to me. It contains activities/exercises you do on your own, like writing down a schedule for the day, then trying to stick to it. It helps motivate you to do the things you don't feel like doing.
Marrying young could contribute. I think at a certain age most of us start realizing all the things we didn't do when we were younger. She probably feels like being a homemaker is a thankless job. I feel like that a lot of the time. why spend the day cleaning when the kids don't appreciate it and they mess it up immediately anyway?
There are plenty of working moms who still find time to do all the housework. Why is it so unreasonable for a working dad to have time to do any of that?
i regret and know your situation all too well.
it is the curse of the unlimited partnership vs the limited partnership.
its is the difference between temps and perm employees.
the power to abuse your office.
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There is no way I'm gonna be able to answer all the questions. But here's an attempt:
