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That's not what I meant. I meant talking about what she realistically wants to do. Stay home? then she needs to find a way to clean up the house. Work fulll time? Then she'd probably make enough money to hire a house cleaner. Work part time? Maybe she could still hire a house cleaner. Forcing her to do something isn't going to work. If she chooses the path that makes her happiest, she'll be more willing to make it work.
If having the 3 yo at home is the problem, maybe she could find a friend to trade babysitting with. It wouldn't cost anything, and she'd get a chunk of time alone to work on the house.
I know several people who work in church nurseries and for MOPS groups. It is very few hours, they take their kids with them, and they make a few dollars. If she did something like that, maybe she could make enough money to pay a house cleaner.
rkb0305, I am trying to relate my post to the OP because he has given clues to his character and his relationship with his wife. The wife comes from a house of lousy housekeepers, his mom was perfect. He needs the distinction between wants and needs.
Yes, I could go to work and pay for a housekeeper but I chose to stay home. I am just as happy either way because if I wasn't my life would be a waste.
Ok... I don't normally come here but I need some imput.
First off, my situation: I work 2 jobs (1 full-time and the other as I please/need for the family business). My wife is a stay at home mom; we have three kids (ages 10, 8 and 3) and live in a smaller home (about 2000 sq ft.)
The problem is she just cannot keep the house clean. It slowly becomes a wreck as the week progresses and by the time Saturday rolls around it's a disaster. I spend about 4-5 hours cleaning it from top to bottom EVERY Saturday. My wife makes dinner maybe 1/2 of the week and I have to do pretty much all of my own laundry if I want clean clothes.
We've had repeated fights over the issue... she says there is not enough time to do all that mom's have to do and that I should help more. The kids tell me she sleeps in late every morning and watches TV all the time. During school time the kids have really lousy tardy records too.
I feel like I'm getting a raw deal here... How do you get somebody to pull their weight? Am I the problem? Is it really impossible for a homemaker to keep a little house in order?
Let your wife get a job, go to college, or join the Women's League. It's not her job to keep the house clean- unless that's what you two agreed to.
Want your house clean, your kids fed, your laundry done- hire someone. Your wife should only be doing 1/2 of it.
And what is her 3 yr old doing while she is scrubbing the kitchen floor?
I cannot have a bucket of water with potentially harmful chemicals in it unless my kids are asleep. Too much chance of disaster. (i.e. them dropping a toy in it, them dumping it over, them trying to climb into it) And their nap time is the only real break I get all day. Mopping/scrubbing is just not as appealing as catching a quick shower or actually sitting down to eat my lunch.
I know, not really the point ... but you shouldn't be using those chemicals anyway! Just them evaporating into your environment that you all breathe in, and in the case of a kid, crawl on, is bad! Vinegar + water works like a charm, and the smell goes away once the surface is dry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chango
Just telling her to get busy doesn't work though. In fact, whenever I even bring the subject up she either automatically shuts down and won't listen or an instant screaming fight starts.
I even suggested she get a weekend job to pay for a maid last night as suggested earlier in the thread, and got an instant shut-down response from her. I'ts frustrating as hell...
Oh, yes, I would respond so well to someone telling me to just "get busy." Same way depression is cured by being told to just "be happy." And telling me that my 'job' - aka the role I am being told I must fulfill - can just be outsourced would feel wonderful. Great approach.
But like someone earlier in the thread brought up gender reversal.
Why does depression always excuse only women who want to do nothing but lay around?
A man who contributes nothing and lets the wife do everything and makes her earn him a living is not going to be excused for his depression. Dead beat fathers aren't given a pass because they might ditch their responsibilities because they're a little depressed.
But if it is depression that has this woman laying around, waking up at noon and watching soap operas all day, then what's the solution for the husband? Is this all life is supposed to offer him?
Yes I realize he made a mistake in who he married - but he's asking what to do now.
I think the wife needs a wake up call. He needs to stop taking the abuse and tell her he wants a partner and if she doesn't want to get off her rear end he's doing something about it -and he has to mean it.
You're right. If either sex is acting in such a manner, the best way to deal with it is to look at all possible causes instead of jumping to conclusions.
How messy is messy? You never answered that question either. Without knowing what you consider to be messy I'm not sure that any of this is particularly helpful or even relevant because it could just be a case of a husband with unrealistic expectations. It'd also be helpful to know how many hours you wife is home alone with the kids each day. We aren't getting the whole story, just your side of it. If you just want people to agree with you that she's lazy and put all of the blame on her then I guess that will do but if you really want to figure out solutions then it sure would be helpful to know the answer to those questions as it would shed some light on the situation as a whole.
Originally Posted by Chango It makes me bitter to work all day and then come home and clean all evening because she doesn't want to. Then she wants to cuddle at night and I just don't want to because I'm bitter that I had to come home to a big mess and clean it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by formercalifornian
It's like we've all been dropped into an alternate universe!
Y'all can philosophically analyze it all you want, I still think she needs to get her bottom off of the couch and out of that bed and keep her house clean. No excuses. If depression has set in, then hard physical work like scrubbing the kitchen floor or bathrooms will actually occupy her mind and help her. She needs to get busy.
Someone call the AMHCA. We've got the answer to depression right here on this little ole board!
Last edited by Magritte25; 07-28-2010 at 12:19 PM..
Why not ask her how she is feeling? Ask her about her day, ask her what areas she feels she needs help with. You never answered how long of days you work. Is she getting any breaks from the kids?
I'm out the door about 7:20 AM, back at 5:30 PM M-F and work Sat, sometimes Sun too about twice a month. The family isn't very helpful about watching our kids; our kids have a "reputation" for being monsters I guess. We sometimes get neighbor girls to babysit for a couple hours and do a date night, but the only real break she gets from them is school, (which is out for the summer at the moment).
It's funny too, because she wants to do homeschool, but I've talked her out of it (for now anyway). She needs the break but doesn't want to take it.
Our three-year old isn't in preschool and we didn't plan to put her in one (we did that with our son and didn't feel like it was really worth it in the end, so we haven't done it since)...
How messy is messy? You never answered that question either. Without knowing what you consider to be messy I'm not sure that any of this is particularly helpful or even relevant because it could just be a case of a husband with unrealistic expectations. It'd also be helpful to know how many hours you wife is home alone with the kids each day. We aren't getting the whole story, just your side of it. If you just want people to agree with you that she's lazy and put all of the blame on her then I guess that will do but if you really want to figure out solutions then it sure would be helpful to know the answer to those questions as it would shed some light on the situation as a whole.
Very, very good point. I know people who consider a few dishes in the sink and an unvaccuumed floor to be a pigsty. (Hi mom)
I'm out the door about 7:20 AM, back at 5:30 PM M-F and work Sat, sometimes Sun too about twice a month. The family isn't very helpful about watching our kids; our kids have a "reputation" for being monsters I guess. We sometimes get neighbor girls to babysit for a couple hours and do a date night, but the only real break she gets from them is school, (which is out for the summer at the moment).
It's funny too, because she wants to do homeschool, but I've talked her out of it (for now anyway). She needs the break but doesn't want to take it.
Our three-year old isn't in preschool and we didn't plan to put her in one (we did that with our son and didn't feel like it was really worth it in the end, so we haven't done it since)...
That's a pretty rough SAH schedule. Does she have her own car or access to transportation?
Many, many parents won't take a break even if they need one. That's common. Bad, but common.
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It'd also be helpful to know how many hours you wife is home alone with the kids each day. We aren't getting the whole story, just your side of it. If you just want people to agree with you that she's lazy and put all of the blame on her then I guess that will do but if you really want to figure out solutions then it sure would be helpful to know the answer to those questions as it would shed some light on the situation as a whole.
