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Last Monday at 10:30pm I smoked my last cigarette. The next day at about 2:45pm I get a knock on my door. It was a police officer who had escorted my 13 year old home after he had been caught shop lifting. Needless to say I was furious to the point of speechlessness. All I can remember is standing their staring stupidly at the young officer while I physically forced myself not to throttle my teenager. The only thing I could think to do was to tell him to go to his room, or well more appropriately to get out of my face, and tell the officer thank you. Because I work at home I didn't have the option of handling the situation right then and there and frankly I was too mad to do anything about it. I even went as far as to tell him to call his grandparents and ask them to come get him because I was afraid I was going to hit him. Luckily for him and for me they came and got him and I was allowed 24 hours in which to calm down. Unluckily for me and for him he came home the next day with out a care in the world and acted like nothing had happened. I admit that I blew up. I yelled and screamed and basically acted like everything the books tell you not too. But my question is is how could I not? Although my son is not very tall (considered short for his age) I can't bend him over my knee and time outs just dont work any more. Not to mention the fact that he knows lying and stealing are wrong yet he chooses to do them anyways. So I dont know whether I should scream or cry?
will their be punishment of the legal sort by the store for the shoplifting? what is your standard punishment? was he with friends trying to be cool? did he steal something he really wanted? needed? or was it just for the thrill to get away with it?
of course he knows it is wrong he is a teenager. guess you need to determine what punishment fits the crime. if the business is not pressing charges have you considered having him go back and apologize in person for his actions/thank them for not pressing charges and that he learned his lesson?
sure blowing up is not the best but it is natural to do that. hugs. and CONGRATS on quitting the habit. I am a respiratory therapist--hang in there!!!!
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is: never try. - Homer Simpson
Second that! Love it!
To the OP
My husband got arrested for shop lifting at the age of 12. His mom and dad were beyond livid when they were contacted by the police. The police asked the parents to speak to the store he shoplifted from to see if they would press charges. Well they decided not to press charges but to scare him straight, they left him in jail for 8 hours then he went in front of the judge to plead guilty. He was let go of and banned from the store. Mind you this is all a few days before Christmas. When Christmas rolled around, they gave his toys to charity.
Let me tell you, till this day my husband says he really learned his lesson.
My suggestion is arrange for a trip to your local jail or prison...scare him straight and tell him this is were a life of crime gets you. In NY they do this in highschool for Criminal Justice classes. But you can always try and get him to speak to a Sheriff or local law enforcement.
Sometimes screaming and yelling doesn't work but there are always other ways.
Last Monday at 10:30pm I smoked my last cigarette. The next day at about 2:45pm I get a knock on my door. It was a police officer who had escorted my 13 year old home after he had been caught shop lifting. Needless to say I was furious to the point of speechlessness. All I can remember is standing their staring stupidly at the young officer while I physically forced myself not to throttle my teenager. The only thing I could think to do was to tell him to go to his room, or well more appropriately to get out of my face, and tell the officer thank you. Because I work at home I didn't have the option of handling the situation right then and there and frankly I was too mad to do anything about it. I even went as far as to tell him to call his grandparents and ask them to come get him because I was afraid I was going to hit him. Luckily for him and for me they came and got him and I was allowed 24 hours in which to calm down. Unluckily for me and for him he came home the next day with out a care in the world and acted like nothing had happened. I admit that I blew up. I yelled and screamed and basically acted like everything the books tell you not too. But my question is is how could I not? Although my son is not very tall (considered short for his age) I can't bend him over my knee and time outs just dont work any more. Not to mention the fact that he knows lying and stealing are wrong yet he chooses to do them anyways. So I dont know whether I should scream or cry?
Don't do either.
Ok. Look, in the big bad world of crimes this is conversion. Not armed robbery. Do you know if this case will be prosecuted? Was he issued a trespassing warning?
If this case will be prosecuted then he will have consequences with the courts. The "action" is bad, the child is not "bad". If you set the stage now for screaming and yelling and over reacting as in anger for an unlimited amount of time, then your kid may end up lying in the future, to avoid you, even if he is in a situation where he desperately needs your help.
If part of your emotional upheaval is your own humiliation then find a way to separate that from your anger. Develop an appropriate punishment for an appropriate length of time. Get in and get out. Letters of apology, papers on the "real cost" of shoplifting, grounding, community service. The ball is in your court.
You are not a bad parent and you do not have a bad child. Kids are going to do an amazing amount of stupid things. They are going to make huge mistakes. They need to be corrected but they also need to know that there is a "possibility" of earning your trust back. Operative word is earn.
It is normal for teenagers to push the boundaries, so yes, shoplifting is wrong, but he's also right on time with it. Years ago, when I was in college, someone stole the deposit from my place of employment, and we all got sent downtown for polygraphs. When it was my turn, and the officer asked if I'd ever stolen anything, I had to admit to stealing lipstick from Hills at age 15 when I was with my friends one day. I wasn't caught for the shoplifting, but if I didn't own up to it, I would have failed the polygraph. I was so ashamed, but the officer didn't even look up. He just said, "All girls steal make-up" and moved onto the next question.
Definitely discipline your son, but shoplifting is within the range of normal teenage rebellious behavior. It doesn't mean he's a sociopath or that you're a bad parent. It's also not wrong to sometimes be really angry at our children. That's a normal emotion. You're not perfect. Sometimes, we blow up at our kids. It was the perfect storm--quitting smoking and then the shoplifting incident. Forgive yourself, and whatever you do, don't pick up a cigarette!
I also yell a lot. It doesn't help. He needs a punishment. Take something away that he loves. For a long time. Also let whatever legal proceedings happen, happen. Don't try to get him out of whatever punishment the store or the judge gives him. There needs to be a consequence.
In a way I almost wish that the store was pressing charges, but they aren't and I believe the officer tried to scare him with the jail bit, but I am not sure if it phased my son at all. I have tried grounding. In fact he had been on grounding when the shop lifting incident happened for stealing money from my purse. Which I did not blow up at him for. I don't believe my son is a bad kid, but sometimes I do wonder if he cares about the consequences of his actions or if he does care for how long does it last? So when yelling, grounding, sitting down and talking it out all dont work what is left?
BTW: Smoke free since last Monday
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