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Hey all! I need some advice here, because apparently I'm too naive to think this through logically-- or, such is the general consensus. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
And fair warning, it's a long post, so please bear with me.
Here's the deal: I have a young daughter (she'll be 8 mos. in September), and her father and I are roughly 700 miles apart-- I live in Iowa, he in northeast Ohio. Tim and I are still very amicable, shockingly so, and are doing our best to work together to be good parents. I'm going to school right now, and will be for about another two-and-a-half years... but after that, I'd like to move back home to Ohio: not only to be closer to him, but closer the rest of our family as well.
Sounds good, right? Here's the problem. I keep meeting resistance with my family-- particularly my mom and older brother-- about trying to "plan my life around Tim," so they say. Their argument at present is that by trying to move closer to him, I'm limiting my opportunities, and those of my daughter (as if there are no opportunities to be had in Ohio). And because of Tim's actions thus far, they don't believe that he'll be very helpful as a parent, so I'll end up carrying the full weight of it no matter how close or how far we are from each other.
The counterargument: I'm in school to become an RN, so I can work most anywhere in the country. And, just because Tim may not have "earned" the right to be part of our daughter's life, that doesn't mean I should deny her the opportunity to forge a relationship with her Dad. My brother and I were always miles and miles away from our father, and only saw him two months of the year, if we were lucky-- I don't want my own daughter to have to go through that. It's unfair to everyone.
I'm an optimist, and a big fan of compromise, so I feel that there has to be a way to make it work so everyone's happy-- or, at the very least, content.
What I'd like to know is, who is right here? Is one argument more justified than another? And is there anything we haven't thought of yet?
Thanks for listening (reading?), and thanks in advance for your help.
I personally think in this age of Skype, and instant text messages/pics, she can have a strong meaningful relationship with her dad whether he is 700 miles away or not. It's not physical closeness that always makes a relationship.
I would ask yourself if you really want to move to Ohio. Weigh your family's advice. Are you REALLY (if you're being honest with yourself) planning your life around Tim? Would you have any interest in Ohio otherwise? It's easy to say "I'm doing this for my daughter" and that's great. But when it's all said and done, and you're moved in over there, it's suddenly about daily life in Ohio for you. That's when reality hits the fan. I wouldn't rule out a compromise moving a little closer, but if I were you, I'd just make sure it's somewhere you're really interested in living and building a life in yourself.
If you are moving closer to family, why are they so against it? Maybe they are hearing more about "Tim" and less about them??? Maybe they see limited jobs?
I think a single parent needs a good support system and having family around that you get along with is a good thing. So I wonder about their resistance.
However, you have more than 2 years to change your mind.
I think it's your life and your daughter's life and that, while other's concerns can be considered, it's therefore your decision. As for whether you'd move there if not for Tim, that's irrelevant. Of course you probably wouldn't. But make sure you have what you need for a job and support with or without Tim.
I have a good friend who has a good relationship with her daughter's father. They have followed each other around to different cities as they have each gone to school so that they can both be meaningfully involved in their daughter's life. Even though they aren't a couple, they do this for their daughter and it seems to work well for them.
I have a good friend who has a good relationship with her daughter's father. They have followed each other around to different cities as they have each gone to school so that they can both be meaningfully involved in their daughter's life. Even though they aren't a couple, they do this for their daughter and it seems to work well for them.
That's what parents do, work together for the benefit of the child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minnesconsinite
I personally think in this age of Skype, and instant text messages/pics, she can have a strong meaningful relationship with her dad whether he is 700 miles away or not. It's not physical closeness that always makes a relationship.
Ever try to hug a computer? Can you wipe a tear from a child's eye through an instant text message? Can you hold someones hand, and take a walk in the park, 700 miles away?
FWIW, I wouldn't consider Skype as a equal alternative to face-to-face contact. Unless your daughter wants to bring a laptop using WiFi to places like the zoo, so she can have her father with her for those memories.
At the end of the day, your brother and mother aren't in bed with you. You make the decisions that are best for you. It's up to them to support whatever decision you make.
Stand strong.
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