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I'm curious to hear from parents here who have an "only" child or from "only" children themselves. Conventional stereotyping is to say that children without brothers or sisters are "messed up" and that parents who wish such a fate on their child are missing a screw or two themselves.
I know very few only children. I struggle to think of any close friends without brothers and sisters. Though I have many close friends who are anything but close with their siblings who may live just a few miles away.
But the idea of having just one is very attractive. It seems that the quality of time spent together - the three of us - would be very high. Financial stress would be lessened, we could do more together, and the "only" could be afforded a better education. Plus, I must selfishly admit that I am attracted to the comparatively limited time of "intense parenting" compared to having more kids.
I thought I would start this thread to gather thoughts on the subject and more particularly the experiences of the members on here. I really don't want this topic to be inflammatory, so if you insist on posting something negative and biting, please reconsider.
I myself am the only child. My father is an only child. My son (so far) is the only child. The only thing I hate is pressure and questions from other people always asking when am I having another child. I am not a fan of children. I guess I get that from being the only child. I had tons of friends from childhood til now. Close with all of my cousins. Honestly.. I never wished for or wanted a sibling. Never asked my parents for a sibling either. I was just fine.. and still fine. Now my son.. He does ask about a sibling, but I think he gets the idea from people always asking him if he wants a brother or sister... So to even out our family... WE GOT A DOG!
P.S. I love being the center of attention.. and to share that with a sibling ..HECK NAW!!
We have only one, who is now 16. I was not any only child myself - I am the youngest of 4.
Stereotyping is just that - stereotyping. There are many "messed up" kids who have brothers and sisters.
I think the real challenge as a parent with just one is to not spoil them or give them a sense of entitlement - but that really is a challenge for ALL parents.
Yes, I've been very much able to focus on the one, and I've enjoyed that. Our son was pretty much dragged to anything and everything - so became very comfortable around adults and enjoys/prefers adult conversation.
He still enjoys hanging out at home with us - but I think that's more personality than being an only child.
I have asked him if he wishes he had siblings - he says no. And when I do something dingy that may be showing my age, I laugh and tell him how sorry I am that he'll be the only one to deal with us when we are old and he jokes back, "don't worry mom. I'm put you in a good nursing home."
All family dynamics are different. People with more than one can't imagine having just one. And those of us with just one, usually love it the way it is. You have to find what works for you. You may have one than realize you want another or then again, maybe not.
I will admit - we did try for another and I miscarried. When I could finally try again our son was out of diapers and we both thought, "you know what, I don't think I want to go through all that again....". So we stopped there. Have never regretted our decision.
I also see the "appeal" of having only one child (no kids currently).
You bring up good points, and I don't think you should worry about your decision. It will all come down to how you raise the child, and the environment its brought up in.
My only experience with an only is my MIL. To this day she complains about being an only. She does talk about how spoiled she was as a child which is rare in people her age. She was very happy when she married my FIL because he was one of 18. Her kids were going to have lots of aunts and uncles.
We originally planed on having just one and then we realized how much we were spoiling her. I think we were not cut out to be the parents of an only.
I know only children (now grown up) who wished they had a sibling, and I know some who are glad they didn't have a sibling. I know people with siblings who are glad for it, and others who wished they didn't.
my advice is to do what you feel is right for you and your family and don't worry about what others think.
Here are the three main benefits:
1. Built in playmate.
2. The older child can help the younger one. One of the happiest days of our life as parents was the day my older daughter started getting breakfast for both herself and her sister on Saturday mornings.
3. Negotiation and space-sharing
Here are the three main drawbacks
1. Jealousy
2. Bickering
3. "It's not fair!"
As an adult with an ill parent (my father has cancer), I can't even begin to say how much of a relief it is to have siblings to share in the care-taking and to talk to. Two of my SILs are onlies, and they bear the entire burden for their sick parents. My best friend is an only, and being her mother's sole focus puts a strain on their relationship and sometimes on her marriage. It can be a heavy load.
Also, from the time I had my first child, I always knew I wanted to have a second so at the very least, she could have someone to call and say "Oh my G-d, mom is driving me crazy!" And as much as my kids pick at each other, when one of them is in trouble, she has an ally in her sister!
This topic comes up often - I should save my response, as it is always the same.
I am an only, my husband is an only, as is my father. This makes for a very small extended family. I have no cousins on my father's side of the family. No aunts, no uncles. My children have no aunts, uncles or cousins, because both my husband and I are only children. There is no family to ask to be guardians should something happen to both of us. Luckily, only children tend to form strong friendships that become like family (at least in my experience). So we have good friends who have agreed to accept guardianship of our kids if needed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucygirl951
As an adult with an ill parent (my father has cancer), I can't even begin to say how much of a relief it is to have siblings to share in the care-taking and to talk to. Two of my SILs are onlies, and they bear the entire burden for their sick parents.
When my dad's mother had age related mental and physical problems, there was no one who could help him except me. She lived in the same town that she grew up in, several states away from us. To move her would have been to hasten her death. So we took turns going up every two weeks or so to be with her. This lasted a year. It was very, very hard on my dad.
I always wanted a sibling growing up. All of that said, it was a difficult decision to have more than one - I had a hard time with depression when my first was an infant, and was almost sure he would be an only. But I also didn't want our family to be that small, given that we have no extended family to begin with. So we have 2. And I am grateful that they will have each other as adults, as well as the experience of having a sibling now.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by progmac
I'm curious to hear from parents here who have an "only" child or from "only" children themselves. Conventional stereotyping is to say that children without brothers or sisters are "messed up" and that parents who wish such a fate on their child are missing a screw or two themselves.
I know very few only children. I struggle to think of any close friends without brothers and sisters. Though I have many close friends who are anything but close with their siblings who may live just a few miles away.
But the idea of having just one is very attractive. It seems that the quality of time spent together - the three of us - would be very high. Financial stress would be lessened, we could do more together, and the "only" could be afforded a better education. Plus, I must selfishly admit that I am attracted to the comparatively limited time of "intense parenting" compared to having more kids.
I thought I would start this thread to gather thoughts on the subject and more particularly the experiences of the members on here. I really don't want this topic to be inflammatory, so if you insist on posting something negative and biting, please reconsider.
I'm an only child. My advice is simple. If you think you can't handle any more than one child then stop at one. As an only child, I feel I turned out normal. I'm 22 in college, looking for work, and have never been in trouble with the law. Better to raise one decent child than 2 or 3 screw-ups.
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