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My oldest son (15) has never had many friends. Doesn't really know how to carry on a conversation. I've posted about that in the past.
In middle school he had one friend that he was close to all 3 of the years, but he still didn't "hang" much with him outside of school- they might have seen each other 2 each summer. Now, he is entering his sophomore year in high school. He has yet to have any phone calls from friends, or make any phone calls. He went to one sleepover with a bunch of boys from his baseball team, and while he said he had fun and everything went fine (the boy whose house it was goes to his school in his grade).....he never contacted the boy to hang out again. I brought it up, but he just said no. So all freshman year, and this summer, he spent without friends. But, he says it's his choice. He just wants to be alone.
I'm trying to understand it, because that wasn't me in high-school. I was crying if I couldn't go out. I was out every weekend, and getting thrown off the phone because I'd hog it. So since it wasn't normal for me, I don't know if it is normal to just prefer to be by yourself.
He's not a dork- I have seen enough of them in high school to know that he doesn't look like that. He's a cute kid- blond hair, blue eyes, no acne....he is cute and that's not a mother talking. Average height, a little skinny. So I know it's not that he's a nerd or ugly that no one wants to be his friend. He's more on the quiet side.........when he stays in, all he does is either play video games, or watch TV. If I take that away, he'll read. He loves to read. I can't take that away.
Yes, he was in baseball.......but didn't do anything with the kids.
I guess I'm asking: is it OK to just want to be by yourself?
To each his own.
If he is happy that is all that matters, really it is.
I am the total opposite of him. I am doing something all the time. I am with friends all the time. I go out and have fun all the time. I am constantly texting or IMing friends.
I can't sit still, I go from one thing to another, I didn't even make it home last night. I crashed where I was.
Some people may think that's too much but its whatever makes the person happy.
If your son is ok with being by himself and being alone, then let him be.
Don't punish it for him, if he wants to sit at home and watch tv/ play video games then so be it as long as everything else is done etc and you said he plays baseball so he gets exercise.
Let him be. If he wanted to go hang out with people he would.
Does he have one or two close friends now? I agree with the above post about choosing to be alone vs being lonely, but... I do wonder since you say he doesn't know how to have a conversation. Is that because the conversations are uninteresting in terms of topics for him? Does he have any interests that he enjoys talking about or does he just not enjoy talking? He's probably fine.
I have been to several high school reunions where we all were floored to see the shy, geeky kids show up with beautiful wives, successful careers and alot of polish. And the most "popular" kids seem so lost and uncomfortable in the adult world.
God forbid we would all be judged by our high school selves.
high school can be an incredibly uncomfortable time for alot of people and they don't come into their own until they are much more mature. If he is happy, help me see himself as a person of value and not to measure himself against others.
I have been to several high school reunions where we all were floored to see the shy, geeky kids show up with beautiful wives, successful careers and alot of polish. And the most "popular" kids seem so lost and uncomfortable in the adult world.
God forbid we would all be judged by our high school selves.
high school can be an incredibly uncomfortable time for alot of people and they don't come into their own until they are much more mature. If he is happy, help me see himself as a person of value and not to measure himself against others.
A few years ago I was with my husband and kids in a local greasy spoon. A guy comes up to my table and asks me "Are you Momma_Bear maiden name?" This guy was handsome, nicely built and it turns out he is a fire fighter. He tells me his name and I was FLOORED. He was the absolute dorkiest guy in high school but when he approached me he was:
1. Adorable.
2. Poised.
3. Personable.
Sometimes people need more than 18 years to be themselves.
Sounds a lot like my son. We've seen him interact with kids at school - he's very personable. But he just isn't interested in what they all want to do for entertainment. Is your son an only child? Ours is (by the way, he's almost 17 - Junior in high school). He's been used to being around a lot of adults. Part of his deal is that he finds most of what goes on in high school stupid. We just had this conversation tonight at dinner.
He has a best friend - and they do stuff together on and off when his friend isn't busy with soccer.
Our son is quiet as well. Like what you described - not a dork at all. Complete homebody. When he's at home he's either working on his Jeep that he's restoring, or researching how to work on his Jeep that he's restoring . If he's not doing that, he's studying, working at his job, or watching t.v. (usually with us)
I've never thought much of his behavior - but then again, he's just like I was in high school. And still am to some degree. I don't have a need for lots of friends or things going on. Just a couple of very close friends and I'm happy. I completely enjoy being by myself.
I don't think you need to worry. He sounds like a good kid! From what you've described, I don't see any red flags.
It's better in many ways if they're loners, not so impressed with what everyone else is doing and trying to fit in with all the groups. He doesn't sound like he's one of the "dorky" kids - those kids often are misfits but because they're trying to fit in with the group mentality. Some kids just do their own thing - independent and peer pressure doesn't affect them.
This boy we know is very much the same way. He's gifted intellectually (wicked smart), and so he can't really relate to most kids his age. He's also homeschooled, something I normally think is not necessarily the best choice, but this kid was entirely unstimulated in the traditional classroom. He even says that he just doesn't really like kids. I understand what he means. There just isn't a connection.
I agree that if he seems happy and not lonely, he's going to be just fine.
Keep tabs on him to make sure he's not suffering from depression or a very mild form of Asperger's. Back in the day (well the pre-Internet 90's) it was much easier to do your own thing and not feel the constant pressure to interact & be vocal. But with today's high-tech social media, peers are quick to judge & reject you if you refuse to play their games of mindless txting, (de)friending on FB, tweeting, Dailybooth whoring etc. Even if your son thinks it's stupid & childish, in some ways it's preparation for college life where networking & bonding with classmates is just as an important as the lessons learned in lectures. Maybe he can get involved with church or charity groups? It could spark a passion within and lift him out of his rut.
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. If he's not doing that, he's studying, working at his job, or watching t.v. (usually with us)
