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Old 09-20-2010, 08:01 PM
Status: "Uncomfortably numb" (set 22 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
64,622 posts, read 60,996,773 times
Reputation: 78684

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Quote:
Originally Posted by need4Trees View Post
Hey there,
don't know where to post this, but here goes...

I am trying to find a book and have searched and read some reviews but hard to know what book would be the best and most useful for this situation....

I have a mother, that is "toxic" ...
I am in my 30's and don't have kids, my sister is older with 3 kids.
Anyway, my mother is very damaging to my sis 3 kids, has been always...
as I know I am not the mother of my sisters kids, I do see what she does and she (my mom) always complains about and talks negatively about my sister (her daughter!) and yet my sister still lets the kids go over there etc.

she, my mom, has many issues...
she just a not nice person, I would never be friends with a person such as her and therefore it is always tense when around her and I actually rather not be.

She is very backstabbing, misleading, manipulative, blames others, put the burden on others, brags about her "church friends and family"
etc etc etc...
anyway I don't even know if she would read such a book... although I hope so, but just wondering of anyone might have a suggestion!?

thanks in advance

i know dissconect is a good thing to do, (I have pretty much done so) but would be nice if she worked on herself and since my sister still lets our mom have the 3 kids over... she really needs to stop damaging their little minds!

I was thinking of a Dr Laura book, because she is so well known and good place to start... but I welcome all suggestions and comments!!!
I remember reading Toxic Parents, but I don't remember the author.

I do recommend How To Manage Your Mother by Alyce Faye Cleese.

Amazon.com: How to Manage Your Mother: Understanding the Most Difficult, Complicated, and Fascinating Relationship in Your Life (9780060988333): Alyce Faye Cleese, Brian Bates: Books

But it's for YOU to read. Of course, your mother could read it, too, but your post sounds as if you are looking for a way to get your mother to change, and we both know that ain't gonna happen. Has she ever indicated that she thinks she needs to "work on herself"?
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Old 09-20-2010, 08:13 PM
 
Location: here
24,843 posts, read 31,747,606 times
Reputation: 32496
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I remember reading Toxic Parents, but I don't remember the author.

I do recommend How To Manage Your Mother by Alyce Faye Cleese.

Amazon.com: How to Manage Your Mother: Understanding the Most Difficult, Complicated, and Fascinating Relationship in Your Life (9780060988333): Alyce Faye Cleese, Brian Bates: Books

But it's for YOU to read. Of course, your mother could read it, too, but your post sounds as if you are looking for a way to get your mother to change, and we both know that ain't gonna happen. Has she ever indicated that she thinks she needs to "work on herself"?
I might have to get that!
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Old 09-22-2010, 12:54 PM
Status: "Uncomfortably numb" (set 22 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
64,622 posts, read 60,996,773 times
Reputation: 78684
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305 View Post
I might have to get that!
I'm telling you, I had it on my desk at work when I was reading it. Everybody who stopped by picked it up and said, "I should read this." There was a gay guy, a woman from India, white people, black people. It's a universal thing!
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:15 PM
 
Location: West Coast USA
1,577 posts, read 1,958,278 times
Reputation: 3140
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
. . . .It's a universal thing!
Oh, I pray it is not! I would HATE to think I was so bad my children had to learn how to handle me. I would rather not be in their lives than harass them.
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Old 09-22-2010, 01:32 PM
 
Location: here and then there...!
947 posts, read 3,123,784 times
Reputation: 596
Hahah!! Guess I been thinking more about these things .... and I had a nightmare!!! That she just showed up at my work while I was in the middle of grooming a dog and she just smile and act like nothing was up!!! Hahaha I my dream I got upset... in real life I get upset... her controlling ways are horrible and I guess I let het have control cuz before I knew it in my dream she, .... I let her stay!!!!
Ugh...!!!

Thank you all, all these books look useful I will at least get a couple!
There's no changin her but I know it would be "nice" but life is un predictable...!
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Old 09-22-2010, 02:09 PM
 
16,682 posts, read 19,260,603 times
Reputation: 16671
You might try this one for your mom. You never know if it will get through, but it probably can't hurt and you could both read it:

Amazon.com: You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation (9781400062584): Deborah Tannen: Books

Dorothy
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:33 PM
 
1,173 posts, read 4,297,193 times
Reputation: 1334
Trees do you have a brother? Because I swear your mom sounds just like my MIL!! Toxic really is the best way to describe her. And over the last two years i've seen that there really is NO changing her, no matter how low her life has gotten she still feels the NEED to tell people exactly what is wrong with thier lives and how they can better themselves all the while she hasn't a pot to p*** in.

Now I'm going to say something, I'm not attacking you, I sympathize really. But by telling your mother she needs to change aren't you acting a bit like her? Here's what's wrong with you, my way is better, you should do it like this because I know everything. You know?

Your mother is who she is but fortunately for you, you've realized it. You know who she is, you know her presence is draining and her actions are toxic, so cut her out of your life as much as possible instead of wasting your time with frustrating efforts that will not change her.

It's kind of crazy but at times I wish my MIL was MY mother instead of DH's. The reason is that I would have ZERO regrets about cutting her out of my life where as DH is a big softie so alas we still have to deal with her. I'm sure some of you are thinking "yeah it's not her mom so she doesn't know how hard it WOULD be to cut her out" but my dad, whose not toxic exactly just totally worthless; cut him out 13 years ago, no regrets. I attempted letting him back in my life when my son was born so they could have a relationship but nothing more than the same old thing. So again CUT OFF. There are so many wonderful people in my life I do not have time for those that not only add nothing but also subtract.

As for MIL since we do still have to interact with her somewhat here's how I deal. I told her point blank if you come to my house or join us on an outing leave your opinions in your car. I don't want to hear your opinion on ANYTHING, good (like that ever happens) or bad I don't care keep it to yourself. This was met with lots of resistance and screaming and opinions and name calling but I told her listen, you can have your opinions but when you are in MY house or invite yourself to an outing with us you have to keep them to yourself or you can leave. If I ever go to YOUR house feel free to rip me a new one but MY house MY terms. When she does come to my house I try to stay away as much as possible, she's there right now actually so I'm going out for drinks with a friend. Last night she was there too, DH and I went out for dinner. She's only allowed to be alone with our son if he's sleeping, otherwise DH HAS to be there since 5 minutes alone and she starts feeding him all sorts of BS (food and thoughts!) or putting him in a dangerous situation. She is no longer allowed to be alone with my step daughter either at my step daughters request (she's 12).
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