5 year old , horrible behavior. Not sure how to handle.

[JanND]

Does she get snacks right after school? Is she in a daycare after school? Make sure she is ok in daycare, that there are no issues w/in the daycare. Sometimes kids act out when they are being mistreated because they don't have words.

If you work, and she is at school then daycare she may be over tired. Does she have after school activities?

My boss has 3 children, his kids are in every activity there is nearly daily and also Saturdays. I get exhausted just hearing his after school routine sometimes.

I noticed you said you and your husband yell, which is not a good way to get kids under control. You should say to her FIRMLY....Stop, or your tv stays off tonight. And walk away. No drama, no upsets, just ignore. Whatever she values, take it and make her earn it back w/ no tantrums for a period of a day, etc.

W/ small kids immediate consequences are important, they cannot conceive of time like weeks, etc.

Act badly before school today, no desert tonight. Or no favorite program tonight.

Also, get those cute little hand soaps, or squirt soaps, kids love those and will waste them, but at least she will use them. Get one for each child, special.

Make sure when you all walk into the door, start a routine. Everyone puts shoes on the shelf...book bags to the table for homework, after school snack.

Homework needs to be done right away.I hate homework, kids have entirely too much homework these days imo.

Have her help sit the table, or help make dinner. 5 year olds love to be bossy, and love to get praise.

It is easy to get into the habit of paying more attention to the bad behavior than the good behavior.

The truth is, it is so much better to reward, praise the good behavior...the bad sort of dissipates.

Give her a couple of age appropriate jobs to help right after school. Run the vacumn, pick up the dirty towels and put into the hamper set the forks and spoons on table...some little job that she can succeed at, and praise the heck out of her. Don't let big sis belittle her, that is a bad thing and makes the crying one worse.

You and Dad either start reading some parenting websites, Dr. Phil has wonderful advice on his website. Or, get yourselves into some parenting counseling right away. You got to break some bad habits, and replace w/ good ones.
Also, I raised 5, and all kids are differant. What works for one does not always work for the next. Find her payoff..What rocks her boat. Give her a chance to earn it. Both kids do this. Maybe it is a shopping trip w/ Dad to buy a new bedtime book. Maybe it is Dad/Mom reading an extra story tonight.
Make the time to let kids settle down before bed. 10 minute warnings. Bedtime in 10 minutes. Teeth brushed, dirty clothes put away. Hop in bed, I will read your story. It helps lil ones to develop inner self control. They need to feel some control, as the one poster mentioned. It also helps calm things, get into a bedtime routine.
Also, hug your children morning and after school, all the time, just because. Just hold onto them for a moment, hug them. School is tough, life is full of challenges, but if a child knows their parents love them unconditionally they will succeed. See if these, and other suggestions help. Good job asking, that is a very positive thing to do.

It isn't easy, I remember times when I thought I would just die I was so exhausted. Now I am nearly 60, no little kids. IT goes so fast, it is the truth. Please try to enjoy, share loving moments, stop and just absorb your family joys, experiences. Take from an old lady, these are the things that matter....not matching socks.

[Sungem]

I suggest that you should explain why you want your children to wash their hands ,do not say go wash your hands but" lets go wash our hands ,explanation" I do not want microscopic dirt in my food"or what you have cooked ", What about you say their name do you want dirt in...? to really make your point show them some thing with a magnifying glass that they could not see with the naked eye ,and explain that soap will make it go away .Second make a "task chart" for each child with simple pictures of them washing their hands brushing their teeth cleaning their room or just examples as a tooth brush , soap,toys in a box ,let them make a mark each day on what they have accomplish do this will help them and their self -esteem . The problem that we adult do not recognize is that children do not remember BECAUSE ALL THEY DO ,IS NOT YET ENCODED IN THEIR BRAIN ,to explain the why help encode put a title to the filet heir brain use to retrieve information , they remember why they have to do this type of action , so unless it is a routine. it is hard for those little guys and girls to remember ,because their brains is not as ours yet .
Try this what to you remember ,of your very young childhood ? Most people will remember tragic of very detailed special memory or a routine as the School buscoming to get them . This is call encoding your memories .So call your child take him to the chart and point at the picture . The chart has to have their name ,on it that is another form of encoding also . bed time should be a short routine , as reading part of a book once you ,once your significant other , do not say it is time to go to bed , but it is time for a" bed time stories " that they associated , or encode stories that is enjoyable with bed . Leave them hanging in the story , that the next day they will want to go to bed to hear the rest.Hope this will help parents/ Now about the little girl playing with boy toys I do not see anything wrong with it , but to get her to play with other type a toy ,say this " (Name of the girl) , you know how you know what fruit you like because you had to try it one time to see if you like it / the child will answer yes , playing is the same thing , so would you like to play with the girls toys to see if you like doing it ? It is not force on her but offered , she will see it has also having quality time with mom . sincerely SUNGEM parent educator dedicated to keep the Peace and Love in your Home

[sweetana3]

"and hearing her dad & I yell all the time"

You both need to learn to quiet your speech. Yelling never works and is actually easier to ignore. It also makes the tantrums worse.

You also need to have a long talk with your husband and be sure you both are on the same page with all the actions being taken so one can support the other totally. She needs the same feedback from you both.

I so agree with the extra sleep and bath time. You might even have to take her to school in her pjs once (take her regular clothes with you in a suitcase already packed.) She may not understand that you both are firm in your rules until she tries them out.