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My SAHM/wife had times when our kids were young where she needed a break, but it was only once in a while.
She knew that I was working hard and I always pitched in when I got home. She rarely used it as a time to have alone time. Instead, she used it to get things done that did not involve the kids, like laundry and cleaning.
Similar to your situation, I also moved (within the US) to be close to my wife's family. Unlike your situation, though, when we did move, things got much easier for me.
It sounds like what you have is not what you envisioned. Life is too short to be miserable. If your wife is not going to bend on this issue, I have one word, Qantas.
My daughtere in law is very much the same . get her away from the house and she's got the energy to hike the malls for hours on end .but at home getting her to leave the bed room and the computer is impossable.
A baby is not that much work, especially an infant , give me a break.
My mother my wife and many other women I know had no trouble taking care of several children and dad , but then again they did not have a computer and innernet to occupy all their time.
To the OP: I could write a novel on this topic. But chances are it would be a novel that would eventually get me assassinated. I seem to have a special talent for turning into a "persona non grata" every time I get hooked on a discussion in the Parenting forum.
But for whatever it's worth, with all the vitriol I expect once again, here it is: your wife is probably no different than many, many, many western SAHM-s who are supposedly performing the "hardest job in the world".
As such, chances are she will not GET IT and you will have a hard time convincing her (and most others) that your concerns, frustrations and expectations are legitimate. What you are pointing at has become a systemic problem and it is kind of ...the norm, whether you like it or not.
To be honest, I am yet to meet one SAHM here in the US, where I currently live, that actually does any vital, useful-for-the-entire-family work, on a daily basis, besides the strict act of BABY-SITTING (as in making sure the child stays physically safe).
I am not going to talk about the working mother (particularly the career woman) as it would be unfair to have such expectations of her.
However, in my honest opinion, the western SAHM, who used to be called a "housewife", if anyone remembers those times, has become a complete joke.
Any meals from scratch? ...You've got to be kidding me. After all, what are frozen dinners drowned in chemicals for?
Clothes ironed?...The synthetic is our daddy; besides who would want to wear such stiff and pompous clothing requiring ironing anyway? And if the husband needs shirts at work...what is the Dry Cleaning store for? He'd better make enough money to afford the services.
Rooms that are not filthy and disorderly?
Oh, it's so much more important to be "involved" with the baby (as in attending "mommy and me" classes, going to the library so that the baby will learn to read fluently by 2 1/2 yo, going to "swim class" so that mommies can go around in circles singing "The wheels on the bus go round and round" to their babies - for cash!).
Or better yet, shop until you drop while the baby exercises his brain by looking at the mall ceiling. When the baby becomes a toddler, driving to playdates and "mommy groups" will become a MUST.
Kids disciplined and taught to use manners and behave? What kind of outdated, authoritarian, controlling tyrant would do something like that?
So...at the intersection of faux feminism (better not oppress your woman!!), lazy conservatism (she has the right to stay at home and "raise" her baby) and consumerism (life = buying)... when in the world would you want the super busy and overwhelmed SAHM to prepare a meal and have a shirt ironed for you at the end of the day? Seriously.
In the meantime, expect your life to continue to unfold as specified below. Need a consolation? You are NOT alone.
You are living THE DAD'S LIFE, as it was meant to look in the 21st century. Or, as my husband calls it, the "Dead Life".
- From a woman at odds with the entire 21st century
(who still cooks from scratch, irons clothes and expects her children to entertain themselves long enough so she can do the above. Without TV.)
- From a female at odds with 21st century
(who still cooks from scratch, irons clothes and expects her children to entertain themselves long enough so she can do the above. Without TV.)
I cook from scratch and iron too. TV, I don't mind though.
I love cooking. I love good food. Real food. I consider a challenge to create a meal that is downright delicious. Why? I'm not a big eater. I'm an eat to live person, not a live to eat person. I won't eat much if the food isn't fantastic. I'm into heathy whole foods, which requires fresh ingredients.
I agree that most modern women don't cook from scratch. One of my children's friends came over to play in elementary school. I asked what he liked to eat and he said mac & cheese. I was thrilled. I hadn't had mac & cheese in years because hubby hated it. I made homemade mac & cheese and the kid stared at it like it was foreign. He had never seen REALL mac & cheese. His entire life was Kraft out of the cardboard box.
I also thought it was important for children to entertain themselves. I think the rise of ADD today is partially related to parents constantly keeping their children entertained. It's sad. Nobody will keep the entertained as a adults. It's an important life skill children need to be taught.
His entire life was Kraft out of the cardboard box.
Oh girl don't be haten on my Kraft M&C.
Quote:
I also thought it was important for children to entertain themselves. I think the rise of ADD today is partially related to parents constantly keeping their children entertained. It's sad. Nobody will keep the entertained as a adults. It's an important life skill children need to be taught.
I agree 110%! Even my friends can't wait for anything. One time we where early (like 20 minutes)to a movie and I thought my friend was going to have a nervous break down because we where just sitting and chatting. She couldn't handle just sitting and hanging on for a bit.
To the OP: I could write a novel on this topic. But chances are it would be a novel that would eventually get me assassinated. I seem to have a special talent for turning into a "persona non grata" every time I get hooked on a discussion in the Parenting forum.
But for whatever it's worth, with all the vitriol I expect once again, here it is: your wife is probably no different than many, many, many western SAHM-s who are supposedly performing the "hardest job in the world".
As such, chances are she will not GET IT and you will have a hard time convincing her (and most others) that your concerns, frustrations and expectations are legitimate. What you are pointing at has become a systemic problem and it is kind of ...the norm, whether you like it or not.
To be honest, I am yet to meet one SAHM here in the US, where I currently live, that actually does any vital, useful-for-the-entire-family work, on a daily basis, besides the strict act of BABY-SITTING (as in making sure the child stays physically safe).
I am not going to talk about the working mother (particularly the career woman) as it would be unfair to have such expectations of her.
However, in my honest opinion, the western SAHM, who used to be called a "housewife", if anyone remembers those times, has become a complete joke.
Any meals from scratch? ...You've got to be kidding me. After all, what are frozen dinners drowned in chemicals for?
Clothes ironed?...The synthetic is our daddy; besides who would want to wear such stiff and pompous clothing requiring ironing anyway? And if the husband needs shirts at work...what is the Dry Cleaning store for? He'd better make enough money to afford the services.
Rooms that are not filthy and disorderly?
Oh, it's so much more important to be "involved" with the baby (as in attending "mommy and me" classes, going to the library so that the baby will learn to read fluently by 2 1/2 yo, going to "swim class" so that mommies can go around in circles singing "The wheels on the bus go round and round" to their babies - for cash!).
Or better yet, shop until you drop while the baby exercises his brain by looking at the mall ceiling. When the baby becomes a toddler, driving to playdates and "mommy groups" will become a MUST.
Kids disciplined and taught to use manners and behave? What kind of outdated, authoritarian, controlling tyrant would do something like that?
So...at the intersection of faux feminism (better not oppress your woman!!), lazy conservatism (she has the right to stay at home and "raise" her baby) and consumerism (life = buying)... when in the world would you want the super busy and overwhelmed SAHM to prepare a meal and have a shirt ironed for you at the end of the day? Seriously.
In the meantime, expect your life to continue to unfold as specified below. Need a consolation? You are NOT alone.
You are living THE DAD'S LIFE, as it was meant to look in the 21st century. Or, as my husband calls it, the "Dead Life".
- From a woman at odds with the entire 21st century
(who still cooks from scratch, irons clothes and expects her children to entertain themselves long enough so she can do the above. Without TV.)
Syracusa, I think that you generalize way too much when talking about western mothers.
I cook from scratch. Healthy food is an important to me and my family. Most of my sahm friends cook from scratch as well. My husband is a skilled tradesman, not an office worker. He doesn't wear clothes that require ironing and we rarely go out anywhere we we need to dress up. I clean, run errands, take my dd to the park, to the pool and we get together with friends a couple of times a week. The majority of our activities are free or very cheap since living on just one salary does not leave a lot of money for extras. The mall, what's that? lol! We shop at thrift stores. Sometimes my dd helps cook and clean and sometimes she plays on her own while I do it. When she was 3 months old I was not able to get so much accomplished and I needed help from my dh. Thankfully he is the kind of man who doesn't mind pitching in. In the past sahm's had family close by to help out. Nowadays that's rarely the case. Most sahm's are on their own with little to no help from extended family.
I'm sorry that you haven't met any mothers who you can relate to but I assure you that there are plenty out there who share your same ideals.
Syracusa, I think that you generalize way too much when talking about western mothers.
I cook from scratch. Healthy food is an important to me and my family. Most of my sahm friends cook from scratch as well. My husband is a skilled tradesman, not an office worker. He doesn't wear clothes that require ironing and we rarely go out anywhere we we need to dress up. I clean, run errands, take my dd to the park, to the pool and we get together with friends a couple of times a week. The majority of our activities are free or very cheap since living on just one salary does not leave a lot of money for extras. The mall, what's that? lol! We shop at thrift stores. Sometimes my dd helps cook and clean and sometimes she plays on her own while I do it. When she was 3 months old I was not able to get so much accomplished and I needed help from my dh. Thankfully he is the kind of man who doesn't mind pitching in. In the past sahm's had family close by to help out. Nowadays that's rarely the case. Most sahm's are on their own with little to no help from extended family.
I'm sorry that you haven't met any mothers who you can relate to but I assure you that there are plenty out there who share your same ideals.
*clap* *clap*
Oh wait, that's the microwave beeping. I have to get my kids' tv dinners out.
You need to sit down with your wife and talk about this. I have read through your other posts and certainly it looks like this is not a 50-50 situation in terms of your marriage. I don't think cultural differences can account for most of this.
The first months of having a baby can be quite difficult. It does sound like your wife has help though from her family and is able to go out and do many things. You should sit down and talk to her about balance. It is not fair to expect either of you to shoulder so much of the burden of household care alone.
I agree with this. Now's the time to set things straight or it's never going to improve.
Babies sleep a lot so they're really not an excuse for doing nothing all day - and they aren't an excuse for a free ride.
The OP could tell her that if she's not going to do anything around the house then she needs to find a job so they can hire household help. Or tell her it's time for her to work and he will stay home and tend to the house.
In some ways working mothers have it easier because they get time away and some women just aren't happy doing housework and making dinners - which is fine but then they need to help pull in an income.
Babies sleep a lot so they're really not an excuse for doing nothing all day - and they aren't an excuse for a free ride.
Most babies do, but not all. My dd was not much of a napper. She took 3 very brief naps a day and only under very specific circumstances. Getting her to fall asleep and stay asleep was one of the most stressful parts of my day when she was tiny. Some babies are mellow and others are very demanding. It's hard to know what a mother is and is not capable of accomplishing without knowing what her baby is like.
My wife is home all day with the baby. We moved from the States to Australia so she could be closer to her family and so she could have support for her family. The baby is now 3 months old. Well, I get up at 5am every day to go to work. I iron all my clothes, etc. yet and still, when its time for me to go to work, my wife is like "here's the baby" and hands him to me while I am trying to get dressed! On top of that, I cook dinner, do most of the cleaning, all while she is home during the day, or out with the family that was supposed to lighten the burden. Yes my son cries sometimes and is difficult, but so is working 5am to 5pm. And guess what happens when I walk in the door from work? My wife hands me the baby, or says "its time to bathe him." So I get nearly ZERO time for myself, and I am beginning to resent it. Last night I went to bed thinking "I hate what my life has become." I have moved to a different country just for my wife, I work and it feels like I have to do everything except nurse the baby and change the diapers. If I am the bread winner, shouldnt dinner be ready for me, my clothes be ironed. whatever? When I get home from work my wife often says to me "whats for dinner." I know a child is a lot of work, believe me, but I get the feeling my wife is slacking and its beginning to make me angry. I know she hasnt lived in her home country for 5 years, but we have been back in her home country for nearly 8 months and I think she's just having a holiday with her family and forgetting about taking care of the home.
You sound like a big baby 3 MONTHS? Your baby is still a newborn and you are expecting too much too soon.
Instead of wasting your energy being resentful try remembering YOU ARE A TEAM, and act like a good team member!
Arrange a time to have some conversation with her when one of the relatives can handle the baby and gently suggest you two come up with a strategy for your daily lives together.
There are skills your wife just hasn't learned very well yet. It is possible for a wife to take care of a 3 month old baby AND cook, clean, and be a wife. When (if) you have 4 kids, and the youngest one is 3 months old, you'll look back on these days and wonder why it was so hard. It's just a good thing they come one at a time!
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