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Most of you read and reply to my posts regarding my daughter(17). Well we decided to see a psychologist b/c of the many issues going on- Well today we went together and I was told that she wants me to let her be more independent and quit treating her like she is younger.. I knew that was alot of our problems and there are more- her absent father died this summer (been divorced since she was 5) I am having a hard time letting go/ being in charge. I have raised her alone and I mean alone for 12 years- She is a great kid- makes great grades- makes mostly good choices etc. I know that she will be in college before I know it- she is a junior- any tips on trying not to micromanage her- I work 2 part time jobs and really need something more time consuming since my kids are older and don't need me anymore.. It is harder than you can imagine.
17 was a very difficult year for me and my DD also. I'm sure that was some of the problem and I had the benefit of her father (my DH) still being in the picture. My experience was that the relationship changes/evolves. Yes, it is difficult to let go but that is what we must do and if they want that, then we've been doing our jobs right. So the first thing you need to know is that this is a sign that you've done well. Congratulations! You don't let go over night though. You start out with small things here and there and work up to them being off to college (or whatever) and living away from home. My DD is now 19 and things are good. We are very close but she is her own self. That is the way it should be.
ETA - your kids still "need you" - just in a different way....
17 was a very difficult year for me and my DD also. I'm sure that was some of the problem and I had the benefit of her father (my DH) still being in the picture. My experience was that the relationship changes/evolves. Yes, it is difficult to let go but that is what we must do and if they want that, then we've been doing our jobs right. So the first thing you need to know is that this is a sign that you've done well. Congratulations! You don't let go over night though. You start out with small things here and there and work up to them being off to college (or whatever) and living away from home. My DD is now 19 and things are good. We are very close but she is her own self. That is the way it should be.
ETA - your kids still "need you" - just in a different way....
Most of you read and reply to my posts regarding my daughter(17). Well we decided to see a psychologist b/c of the many issues going on- Well today we went together and I was told that she wants me to let her be more independent and quit treating her like she is younger.. I knew that was alot of our problems and there are more- her absent father died this summer (been divorced since she was 5) I am having a hard time letting go/ being in charge. I have raised her alone and I mean alone for 12 years- She is a great kid- makes great grades- makes mostly good choices etc. I know that she will be in college before I know it- she is a junior- any tips on trying not to micromanage her- I work 2 part time jobs and really need something more time consuming since my kids are older and don't need me anymore.. It is harder than you can imagine.
One thing that will help you is NOT to make any decisions on the spot. If you need to make a decision and can think about it for a day, half a day, or an hour (if that is all you need) then do that. I think that you have responded well to suggestions that you let go, so perhaps you can think about each situation a little as it comes up.
You can't hold on tight until they are in college and then expect them to be completely independent in college. You need to let go slowly. You still have a year and a half until she is in school.
One thing that will help you is NOT to make any decisions on the spot. If you need to make a decision and can think about it for a day, half a day, or an hour (if that is all you need) then do that. I think that you have responded well to suggestions that you let go, so perhaps you can think about each situation a little as it comes up.
You can't hold on tight until they are in college and then expect them to be completely independent in college. You need to let go slowly. You still have a year and a half until she is in school.
That's a good place to start letting go. It's difficult. My son will turn 16 this Spring and I know that letting him drive without an adult in the car will be a challenge for me. You are not alone.
For 17 year olds who are responsible and getting good grades, this is the year to stop supervising as much as possible---as if they are 18.
For me, that means her not having to 'get permission' to go places and do things. Instead, she is supposed to simply let you know where she is going and when she'll be home. You have to resist the urge to act like you're granting or denying permission. If you want to still have a set curfew, that's fine, as long as it's appropriate for her age and responsibility. In other words, don't make the curfew too immature. Then simply expect her to notify you of where she'll be and when she'll be home as long as it's within the set curfew. She would only need to ask permission if she's going to be later than the set curfew.
Tell her the reason you ask to be informed of where she's going and when she'll be home is because that's what adults do to protect themselves---so someone knows their whereabouts. And it's a common curtesy to adults living in the same household and she should do it with roomates or with her husband when she marries. That might sound scary but the reality is that in one year she can do anything she wants. You want to use this year to teach her how to safely do whatever she wants. That means keeping in touch and letting you know her whereabouts.
Of course, you monitor to make sure she's managing her independence responsibly. By monitor, I don't mean checking up on her. That's for younger kids. By monitor, I mean keeping alert so you notice if she's starting to make bad decisions like drinking or her grades getting bad. She doesn't need to know you're monitoring her. But if you discover she's being irresponsible, you have a talk with her---as a mentor---unless it's something as serious as drinking, then you have a right to take the car away from her. And you wouldnt' be taking the car away because you're the big bad oppressive Mom who can't let go. You take the car because it's in your name and you're liable. You tell her you'd take the car away from any adult who put you at risk liability-wise. Those are just some examples.
As for how you personally manage to let go emotionally, it's hard, but it's possible. What worked for me was an accident. I didnt' intentionally get a new dog to help me transition emotionally, but we happened to get a second dog at the time I was needing to let go as a parent. As I let go, I transferred some emotions to the dog. It's not as weird as it sounds. I'm not one of those people who treat my dog as a child. But it's nice to have a dog to hug and kiss when you're feeling a little lonely from a child pulling away.
Another important thing is I got involved in activities I had always wanted to do. I started horseback riding. I took a pottery class. I reached out to my friends who didn't have children or whose children were raised to socialize more. I went back to college and started taking some night classes.
You need to start filling your life with your interests. It's time to reinvent yourself because you're not going to be a mom anymore---not in the sense that you are now. You'll be living alone in a year and you don't want to wait until that day comes before you change your life. The reality is that being a mom is your identity. When she leaves, you're going to lose that identity if you don't work towards finding a new one. Also, your house will be lonely when she goes to college so you need to fill your time with things that interest you to keep your mind occupied so you dont' become lonely. And don't discount the possibility of adding a pet to your life. Pet's help people battle loneliness.
I just want to tell you that I'm so pleased to hear that you went to a psychologist with your daughter. And I'm very proud of you for recognizing that you need to let go. It's a hard thing to do. All parents face it. Not all do it well. I know parents who never let go (my mother was one) and it's not healthy for everyone including the mother. You're doing a great job!
I do not think that 17,18 or any other year is a magic year that you sudenly stop supervising and you especially don't stop expecting respectful and resposible behaviour.
We expect our spouses to talk with us about where they are going and when they will be back. It's only reasonable. Even at work a coworker does not just vanish off on lunch. They will say "OK if I go on lunch now". Its a question. They are asking your permission. Why? because it's part of working as a team. You might respond with "Can you delay your lunch as I really need to take my lunch break now as I have an apointment". This idea that teens sudenly get to an age where they come and go with no explnation is wrong.
To me while a person lives in a house with another person, they should always be talking and in a way asking permission. I think a parent needs to understand what authority means.
The buck still stops with the parent.
To me it is better to be strict and restrictive than lax and permissive. There are plenty of lax parents to go round and so erring on the side of strictness is not going to alter the balance of society.
I see no problem with a 17y.o. having to ask permission to go out and for the parent to specify the time to be home.
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