Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
How old were yours when you got yours to sleep in their own beds? What was the most successful way for you to get them into their own beds in their own rooms?
She went to her room around 4 months when she started STTN on her own. Then she started waking up again. At that point, we didn't want to bring her back to our room because we spent our evenings there. We bought a queen size mattress, rolled up quilts, stuffed said quilts under the fitted sheet for borders and let her sleep there. I would join her in the middle of the night. (No sleeping in toddler beds for me.)
Now, we do let her cry instead of letting her nurse to sleep but it took a long time for me to be comfortable with this (1.5 years). She takes too long to unlatch. I also have a rule of no nursing before 2 am. I go and tell her, "milkies sleeping." But I taught her day=awake, night=sleep very early on.
I personally think carrying them into their bedrooms after they fall asleep would be useful. We always had phases when our children would feel the need to sleep with us. We'd readily let them for a few nights. If it continued after a few nights, we'd simply carry them back to their beds after they fell alseep. They were never traumatized by being moved. It met their needs to simply fall alseep in our bed (even when we weren't even in the bed ourselves) when they were feeling the need to.
I still wonder if families that cosleep need to be with their children at bedtime. Nobody has answered that. I recall some people saying in the other thread that they needed to lay with their children for them to fall asleep. I wonder if that's the norm for cosleepers, and is that something the OP needs to take into consideration when she moves her child to his own room?
I have heard of this in my co-sleeping circles. One advised that when the child is around 3 years to tell the child, "you go ahead to bed, I will be there in a minute." The child usually ends up falling asleep without them. However, I know of older children (2.5 years) who would scream bloody murder if the parent tried to unlatch similar to the OP that the mother could not get away. The advise given to this family was to take one thing away at a time. Take nursing away, allow child to cry in arms, then if desired, mom then makes the transition to move away.
IMO, sometimes children who need their parents by them have not figured out a way to unwind, as in, taking an hour to fall asleep. The main reason for this might be because they were never allowed to cry to release tension. They may have learned that crying was a bad thing if their parents tried to soothe every time.
Too bad black is the best color to read in. My response in blue.
How old were yours when you got yours to sleep in their own beds? What was the most successful way for you to get them into their own beds in their own rooms?
I personally think carrying them into their bedrooms after they fall asleep would be useful. We always had phases when our children would feel the need to sleep with us. We'd readily let them for a few nights. If it continued after a few nights, we'd simply carry them back to their beds after they fell alseep. They were never traumatized by being moved. It met their needs to simply fall alseep in our bed (even when we weren't even in the bed ourselves) when they were feeling the need to.
I still wonder if families that cosleep need to be with their children at bedtime. Nobody has answered that. I recall some people saying in the other thread that they needed to lay with their children for them to fall asleep. I wonder if that's the norm for cosleepers, and is that something the OP needs to take into consideration when she moves her child to his own room?
We coslept until 3, and of course I can only speak for us, but we haven't had to lay in the bed with her at all, in fact once she decided to sleep in her bed that was pretty much it. We do read stories and all that stuff, and something that may have helped was that we got a low wattage lamp that we left on for a couple of weeks so she didn't have total darkness in her room by herself for a while. (I would turn it off after she fell asleep).
Now I turn her light off while she's awake, she has a flashlight with animal shadows that cover the bulb, and she plays with that for a while before she falls asleep. I'm not sure if that helped the transition at all, but I have a feeling she was a little more secure not being left in total darkness in a new room straight away.
She never gets up to come into our bed, so far hasn't done it once. I don't know if we are just lucky and she's that type of kid or if the cosleeping gave her a sense of security that she still has. Hard to say really, I don't have any other experiences to compare it to. But I would say that I'd be surprised if cosleeping children have, as a rule, more issues than more traditional kids.
I think it greatly depends on the kid, and also how stressed you are when you put them to bed. If you're giving off huge "oh my god this is going to suck" kind of vibes, then the child is going to pick up on it and not go down easy, so to speak.
THAT was me when I was a baby! My mother always said I was the happiest baby, rarely cried.
Strange, I had the mumps, measles, and chicken pox all before my first birthday, yet I was always happy and smiling!
I wonder what happened to me? LMAO! I am a fairly optimistic person compared to most people, but I'm far from happy anywhere, all the time, as an adult.
This is why I became very careful about who I got my advice from. Typically, parents of easy babies (the gold standard) or babies who prefer to sleep on their own or babies whose cries did not escalate, often say, "I never co-slept, I was consistent, I was firm." And parents who did let their baby CIO for hours or weeks were people who could not help me anyway.
There is a saying that is typical, "don't let your world revolve around children." When we ignored this, many of our friends dropped like flies. Any new friends who could not convince me to take their advice dropped like flies. The ones left over or who continued to support me have been some of the best women I have ever met.
Now that I have experienced real support, I see I had kept bad support for company in the past.
I'm late to the party but maybe I can help with my experience. We put our children in their cribs in their own rooms from day one. Yes there was alot of running down the halls for a while but it never crossed my mind to try to keep a sleeping infant in the same bed. I was afraid I would roll over and squish them. Also my kids made alot of grunting and baby sounds all thru sleep so there would have been no sleep for anybody.
It is very hard to let an infant CIO. You have to learn to recognize their cries. one is tired, hungry, cold, angry, scared. I don't think you can read a baby until you have heard it cry for different reasons.
just my 2 cents.
also whateverr happened to teaching a child to self soothe? worked wonders for me. Do they still advocate that now.
It is very hard to let an infant CIO. You have to learn to recognize their cries. one is tired, hungry, cold, angry, scared. I don't think you can read a baby until you have heard it cry for different reasons.
just my 2 cents.
also whateverr happened to teaching a child to self soothe? worked wonders for me. Do they still advocate that now.
An infant crying it out doesn't learn to self-soothe; they learn that their parents - the people to whom they rely on for life itself, at that stage - are not there for them.
I think so many of these responses are indicative of dis-connected people. Close, supportive connection with parents leads to MORE independence later on, when the child is ready to move on. Most co-sleeping kids move to their own beds around 3 or so; if your child is reluctant, perhaps they have a larger need for connection. Meet that need NOW, and they won't carry that huge unmet need around with them.
Make sure they are getting plenty of true, present, connected time with you through the day - not with you distracted by the phone or computer or chores, but true presence, just BEing with your child.
I would listen to your child's needs, and put a separate mattress in the room. Maybe you can ask your husband to try it out on a trial basis. It won't last forever! My 11 and 17 year old no longer sleep with me! LOL This time of intense neediness is short, and if you meet the needs, it won't last forever.
One thing that helped me keep perspective is that I had a friend whose child died when she was just 5 years old. EVERY moment with that child was precious to the mom, and she was so glad she learned about attachment parenting, and had a close, loving relationship with her daughter. She was grateful for every night she got to snuggle with her, a short time that passed all too quickly.
An infant crying it out doesn't learn to self-soothe; they learn that their parents - the people to whom they rely on for life itself, at that stage - are not there for them.
I think so many of these responses are indicative of dis-connected people. Close, supportive connection with parents leads to MORE independence later on, when the child is ready to move on. Most co-sleeping kids move to their own beds around 3 or so; if your child is reluctant, perhaps they have a larger need for connection. Meet that need NOW, and they won't carry that huge unmet need around with them.
Make sure they are getting plenty of true, present, connected time with you through the day - not with you distracted by the phone or computer or chores, but true presence, just BEing with your child.
I would listen to your child's needs, and put a separate mattress in the room. Maybe you can ask your husband to try it out on a trial basis. It won't last forever! My 11 and 17 year old no longer sleep with me! LOL This time of intense neediness is short, and if you meet the needs, it won't last forever.
One thing that helped me keep perspective is that I had a friend whose child died when she was just 5 years old. EVERY moment with that child was precious to the mom, and she was so glad she learned about attachment parenting, and had a close, loving relationship with her daughter. She was grateful for every night she got to snuggle with her, a short time that passed all too quickly.
While I agree with many things that you say, we decided not to co-sleep because my husband was not comfortable with the idea in general and I respected that. Also, we spent our evenings in our bedroom.
What we did agree on was for me to co-sleep in her room for as long as I wanted. Some nights its full time, other nights its part-time. It really doesn't bother him or me.
We did not let her CIO as an infant because her cries always escalated and sounded all the same. Contrary to what some believe, not all babies communicate their different needs with different cries. Some do this much later especially if food allergies are involved.
My family said I always cried as a child, especially a baby. They took me from doctor to doctor and they said the same thing, let her cry. It turns out, I have a dairy allergy which I discovered after my daughter was born and I was formula fed and had milk everyday. It also turns out that I am not very close to my family (except my mom but she worked two jobs) because of my sad childhood.
An infant crying it out doesn't learn to self-soothe; they learn that their parents - the people to whom they rely on for life itself, at that stage - are not there for them.
I agree, but the OP is talking about a 4 year old not an infant. Babies do need to learn to self sooth, but that does not need to happen when an infant is first born.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal
I think so many of these responses are indicative of dis-connected people. Close, supportive connection with parents leads to MORE independence later on, when the child is ready to move on. Most co-sleeping kids move to their own beds around 3 or so; if your child is reluctant, perhaps they have a larger need for connection. Meet that need NOW, and they won't carry that huge unmet need around with them.
Make sure they are getting plenty of true, present, connected time with you through the day - not with you distracted by the phone or computer or chores, but true presence, just BEing with your child.
I have no problems with co sleeping. It needs to work for both parent and child though. Surely, there is a balance that parents can find. In this case the OP is not functioning well during the day. She needs more sleep. Her child is old enough to be taught to sleep in his own bed. His desire to sleep with his mother is not a NEED. It's a WANT. Her desire to sleep is a NEED. IMO her NEED trumps his WANT.
Children do need to learn that they cannot always have what they want. They can learn that gently (after all he is only 4) but he needs to learn it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteGal
I would listen to your child's needs, and put a separate mattress in the room. Maybe you can ask your husband to try it out on a trial basis. It won't last forever! My 11 and 17 year old no longer sleep with me! LOL This time of intense neediness is short, and if you meet the needs, it won't last forever.
One thing that helped me keep perspective is that I had a friend whose child died when she was just 5 years old. EVERY moment with that child was precious to the mom, and she was so glad she learned about attachment parenting, and had a close, loving relationship with her daughter. She was grateful for every night she got to snuggle with her, a short time that passed all too quickly.
A 4 year old does not NEED to sleep with his parent. He WANTS to sleep with his parents. I a sorry that your friend lost her child but that has nothing to do with the fact the OP here wants to move her child to his own bed. Parents who sleep separately can snuggle with their children. When my kids were small I went to THEIR bed every night for stories, hugs and kisses. In THEIR bed. They still got plenty of snuggles, and we all got a full night's sleep. Cosleeping is fine if it works for you, but it is not working for the OP.
Hang in there OP. Just remember, if you're not getting the sleep you need, because of your little one being in bed with you, you're not able to be the daytime parent you most want to be. Most little ones are going to cry at first.....a LOT, when you force them to go to bed alone. Remember that your 2 year old is watching. If you stick to your guns with your 4 year old, your 2 year old should be that much easier. You will be establishing a routine that he/she will understand HAS to happen. Do remember though.....pitch black rooms can be scarey, nightlights are great! IMHO....moving a mattress to your room for them is NEVER an option, not if they already have a room of their own! I understand that some families don't have enough rooms...but if you do....never move your child's bed to your room!
I know those screams, begging, pleading, can wear on your nerves. OMG how I know! It's just so much easier to stop it, any way you can, than to listen to it, especially if you've got a really persistent one. LOL There were many times when I had to step outside....because I'd start melting down!! LOL Do know though, that you're not doing either of you a favor by giving in. Everyone will eventually sleep better....not to mention not having to deal with your feelings of inadequacy and frustration for "giving in". It's tough...I know...did it 4 times and am now dealing with a grandson who's nearly 2...and his momma is having to learn to dole out some tough love of her own. LOL
An infant crying it out doesn't learn to self-soothe; they learn that their parents - the people to whom they rely on for life itself, at that stage - are not there for them.
I think so many of these responses are indicative of dis-connected people. Close, supportive connection with parents leads to MORE independence later on, when the child is ready to move on. Most co-sleeping kids move to their own beds around 3 or so; if your child is reluctant, perhaps they have a larger need for connection. Meet that need NOW, and they won't carry that huge unmet need around with them.
Make sure they are getting plenty of true, present, connected time with you through the day - not with you distracted by the phone or computer or chores, but true presence, just BEing with your child.
I would listen to your child's needs, and put a separate mattress in the room. Maybe you can ask your husband to try it out on a trial basis. It won't last forever! My 11 and 17 year old no longer sleep with me! LOL This time of intense neediness is short, and if you meet the needs, it won't last forever.
One thing that helped me keep perspective is that I had a friend whose child died when she was just 5 years old. EVERY moment with that child was precious to the mom, and she was so glad she learned about attachment parenting, and had a close, loving relationship with her daughter. She was grateful for every night she got to snuggle with her, a short time that passed all too quickly.
Neither the OP nor other posters here are talking about infants. They're talking about toddlers and older children.
I also agree with most of these posts, and hope that you feel supported. It is obvious this is a hot issue with some people.
I just want to you to feel positive and happy as a good mom. Don't get worn out, stressed, or overwhelmed. You need time for yourself. You are a good mom. All of us here know how stressful kids can be, with work, and every other demand moms have now. Sometimes you just a "kid" break. I don't think that having time for yourself is bad. Your kid will be okay, if not better off with a more relaxed mom.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
to tell the child, "you go ahead to bed, I will be there in a minute." The child usually ends up falling asleep without them. However, I know of older children (2.5 years) who would scream bloody murder if the parent tried to unlatch similar to the OP that the mother could not get away. The advise given to this family was to take one thing away at a time. Take nursing away, allow child to cry in arms, then if desired, mom then makes the transition to move away.
LMAO! I am a fairly optimistic person compared to most people, but I'm far from happy anywhere, all the time, as an adult.
