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we've made strides in our relationship, just in the past few weeks and here is how:
I stopped seeing her and the enemy. My son is her grandson and she loves him. If something were to happen to me, she would be part of the unit that would help provide him primary care. That said, why should I be at odds with this woman? Why not see her in a different ligt?! Remember when I said I wanted the weekends for myself? Well this weekend I suggested to my wife that we go over to her mother's house BOTH days, and it turned out well. However I DID notice that my wife's FATHER seems to be super duper, perhaps overly attached to my boy. I noticed that when I hold him, the FIL goes and does something so he doesnt have to see me play with my son. At one point, when I was going to eat lunch at their house, her father yelled at me and said "I NEED AN ANSWER, DO YOU WANT ME TO HOLD HIM WHILE YOU ARE EATING YES OR NO?!!" He was almost panicekd when he said this. Now if you dont know the backstory, here it is, her Dad have 5 girls and no boys. So this is his chance. However sometimes I get the distinct impression that he sees me as a barrier to the fulfillment of his desire to have a son.
Anyway, after he held the boy for 15 minutes, I took the boy off him just to see what he would do. I am happy to say, he didnt protest to much and handed him right over. So, about 20 minutes later, I walked over to him, looked at my boy and said "go to grandad." I think that's a huge step for me, and I hope things continue to improve. Being in a foreign country with your spouse's family can really lead to a lot of paranoia.
Try to put yourself in his shoes. You seem to see him as competition. He's not! He's grandad, your daddy! Of course that man is in 7th heaven......He's got a grandson!! Imagine all the things you think about doing with your son.....throwing a ball, showing him sports plays, watching sports with you and GETTING what they're doing....fishing, etc. Imagine your FIL....his wife, pregnant again, hoping for a son this time....and another daughter. Imagine living in a house with 6 females.... Good lord man, have some sympathy for him!! LOL You will always be daddy... let your son have a grandfather and be grateful that you have a father in law who wants to be in your son's life.
You know, he could have been the guy who shoved both you and your son away from him out of jealousy. Also, I read another of your posts elsewhere where you were frustrated with your inlaws being at your house....your FIL fixing things around your house. Could it be that the man is still trying to take care of his daughter? Could it be that he's STILL a father? Could it be that he knows what it's like to work all week and have a "honey-do" list waiting for him on his days off? Could it be that the man is doing you a huge favor by doing those things for you that you'd have to do when you get home from work or on your days off?....doing those things so that you have free time to relax with your family, instead of having home-work to do? Don't take things so personally....be exceedingly grateful to have someone who cares about you and your family....someone who sincerely wants his family to be happy. Just a thought.
Try to put yourself in his shoes. You seem to see him as competition. He's not! He's grandad, your daddy! Of course that man is in 7th heaven......He's got a grandson!! Imagine all the things you think about doing with your son.....throwing a ball, showing him sports plays, watching sports with you and GETTING what they're doing....fishing, etc. Imagine your FIL....his wife, pregnant again, hoping for a son this time....and another daughter. Imagine living in a house with 6 females.... Good lord man, have some sympathy for him!! LOL You will always be daddy... let your son have a grandfather and be grateful that you have a father in law who wants to be in your son's life.
You know, he could have been the guy who shoved both you and your son away from him out of jealousy. Also, I read another of your posts elsewhere where you were frustrated with your inlaws being at your house....your FIL fixing things around your house. Could it be that the man is still trying to take care of his daughter? Could it be that he's STILL a father? Could it be that he knows what it's like to work all week and have a "honey-do" list waiting for him on his days off? Could it be that the man is doing you a huge favor by doing those things for you that you'd have to do when you get home from work or on your days off?....doing those things so that you have free time to relax with your family, instead of having home-work to do? Don't take things so personally....be exceedingly grateful to have someone who cares about you and your family....someone who sincerely wants his family to be happy. Just a thought.
This post is dedicated to the fact that I have arrived at this point. This post supercedes any past post. I realize all of what you posted, hence this post.
I have been reading your posts about all this and I want to congratulate you on this attitude change. You have opened the door to lot of good things now. Keep working on it and you will be surprised with the results!
I have been reading your posts about all this and I want to congratulate you on this attitude change. You have opened the door to lot of good things now. Keep working on it and you will be surprised with the results!
Thanks. The thing I learned that is most shocking is, a lot of the blame had to do with me. I have adjusted my behavior and will treat any injustice with kindness. I wont allow myself to get dragged into a vortex.
This post is dedicated to the fact that I have arrived at this point. This post supercedes any past post. I realize all of what you posted, hence this post.
As long as you can equate your in-laws protective instincts for their child, with your protective instincts toward your own son, you'll be just fine. Remember, you're the son they never had....Their daughters had to grow up and get married in order for them to finally have sons! LOL They will embrace you like one of their own if you show their daughter love and respect. I'm so happy for you.... Now all you have to do is make sure you treat mom like "mom". LOL They'll learn to love you....I just know they will!
As long as you can equate your in-laws protective instincts for their child, with your protective instincts toward your own son, you'll be just fine. Remember, you're the son they never had....Their daughters had to grow up and get married in order for them to finally have sons! LOL They will embrace you like one of their own if you show their daughter love and respect. I'm so happy for you.... Now all you have to do is make sure you treat mom like "mom". LOL They'll learn to love you....I just know they will!
well we got off to a bad start. her mom and I had a big blowup in february, followed by antoehr confrontation in May, one in which the family had to hold me back from her. Still embarassed about that, but hey, after getting counseling, there isnt much more that I can do.
Thanks. The thing I learned that is most shocking is, a lot of the blame had to do with me. I have adjusted my behavior and will treat any injustice with kindness. I wont allow myself to get dragged into a vortex.
Wow, there are so many people here on City-Data that could stand to learn this! Really great breakthrough.
One thing I learned to keep in mind is that my parents really are acting out of love for their grandchild. That's where their behavior stems from; when I can remember that, it helps things a lot in our relationship.
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Really great breakthrough.
