Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I forgot to add, I'm surprised she doesn't realize that there is way more to being academically successful than IQ. Just cause her kids are smart doesn't mean they will breeze through school. There are any number of factors that can make school more difficult, ranging from a clash in learning styles to disability to cultural differences to just not getting enough sleep. Maybe when things blow over a bit you can calmly explain to her that IQ is not a predictor of academic success and many very intelligent people don't do well in school because school forces them to think in a way that doesn't work for them. For example, based on my IQ, grade school should have been a breeze for me, but it wasn't cause I was dealing with a lot of other issues, which made acing my math quiz NOT my number one priority. I guess all the intelligence and education in the world still doesn't save us all from having blind spots.
what I meant is that I think it is ok to have standards for yourself and your kids, but it is impolite to discuss them with people who have vastly different standards. For example, I expect my kids to go to college. Really, any 4 year college will do IMO.
I knew what you meant. I was just clairfying that the social class comment was about how she treated me, not how she treated her children.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rkb0305
If I have a friend who didn't go to college at all, or who's kids had no hope of going to college, I wouldn't talk about it with that friend. I mean it is possible to be friends with someone of a different "social class" w/o it being a big problem. Unfortunately your friend has made it a problem.
She sure did. It bugs me that she's not even in a higher social class! If you're going to insult me, at least have some ground to stand on!
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnonChick
It sounds to me like she's living in la-la land. Your friend thinks if she pretends hard enough that ivy league schools and all the trappings of the *facade* of wealth are what makes people happy, then she'll be happy when she has all that. What she's not noticing, is that the pretense is exactly what's keeping her from being happy. If she'd just stop pretending so hard, and start enjoying what she HAS, she won't be so miserable that she has to insult anything or anyone, in order to build herself up to unrealistic proportions.
I'm not sure if she was insulting me to feel better or if she's just totally depressed and stressed out about where her life is right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by paganmama80
We thought my cousins loved their parents too until that simliar sort of attitude drove them away after college....you never really can tell a families true dynamics.
I did admit that this is new in their lives. Everything could change now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom
Yes...but it's also not really determined by education either....look at Paris Hilton......high school dropout but of a higher social class (several generations of serious money.....smarts? not so much).
I did make an exception for old money earlier in the thread somewhere. Hilton even came to my mind! LOL
I forgot to add, I'm surprised she doesn't realize that there is way more to being academically successful than IQ. Just cause her kids are smart doesn't mean they will breeze through school. There are any number of factors that can make school more difficult, ranging from a clash in learning styles to disability to cultural differences to just not getting enough sleep. Maybe when things blow over a bit you can calmly explain to her that IQ is not a predictor of academic success and many very intelligent people don't do well in school because school forces them to think in a way that doesn't work for them. For example, based on my IQ, grade school should have been a breeze for me, but it wasn't cause I was dealing with a lot of other issues, which made acing my math quiz NOT my number one priority. I guess all the intelligence and education in the world still doesn't save us all from having blind spots.
She has wondered about two of her children having disabilities, but she hasn't ever had the money to have them evaluated privately. I can't remember why she doesn't want the school district to do the evaluation....
She doesn't sound like much of a friend. She has a lot of issues that rub you the wrong way and are going to continue to. Unless she is willing to take your input which it seems apparently she is not, I would let the relationship drop.
I'm not much of a believer that social and monetary classes can't mix as friends but when someone throws such things in your face they never will work out.
She has wondered about two of her children having disabilities, but she hasn't ever had the money to have them evaluated privately. I can't remember why she doesn't want the school district to do the evaluation....
Because she's looking for an excuse as to why her kids are not operating at a genius level.
My one set of overly educated in-laws pulled the same garbage with their 5 year old. They had him self-diagnosed with Aspergers because he just wasn't getting the concept of Kindergarten. They were raising him to have a large vocabulary, as in large words, not many words. When he's talking "the molecular structure of a(n) ..." without understanding what the molecular structure of ANYTHING really is, they think he's great. A great little parrot. When he can't write his name, can't read The Iliad and understand it, he's got a learning disability...God forbid they taught him how to write his damn name while they were busy running him all over creation trying to "smarten" him up.
Your friend is going to be very disappointed until she starts accepting her kids for who they are.
Not sure what your issue is. You thought you liked her, until you got to know her better, and it turns out you don't. You can't change her. She and you have different values and it sounds like the differences are significant, not trivial. I don't think this has anything to do with social class, but it does have to do with values.
I agree you have nothing to apologize for. I also do not see how you were rude either. Actually I think you showed very great restraint! She is the one missing out and I would not call her again. I have known people like this, eventually the friendships fizzle out. This one has run its course.
I've encountered people like that. They are highly annoying, and I definitely feel sorry for the children involved. I also have friends from Harvard who are hesitant to tell people where they attended school; they enjoyed their time at school, but want to distance themselves from the kind of snobs like the woman you're describing. They also agreed that there are plenty of people at Harvard who don't live up to the intellectual giant stereotype. (to an earlier poster, yes, you can still buy your way into the Ivy League. They're not going to let you in if you don't meet a certain standard, but that level is quite a bit lower for students in certain categories.). I went to a small graduate program that enjoys a high level of prestige among some circles, and one of my friends used to embarrass me when we were out in public; he wasn't nearly as snobby as the woman in this case, but he used to throw around the name of our school a lot. It was awful. I think it was probably insecurity, too. As far as the woman in this case, she probably hears all the alumni updates and sees her old classmates doing important (or important-sounding) things, and thinks her own life isn't what she had envisioned. I can relate to that a bit; I've done pretty well for myself, but I guess I had envisioned that by my 30s I'd have done even more. (I find myself noting the ages of authors of successful books and wondering why I didn't get my act together in time to write a journalistic expose or bestseller at age 25.) There's a difference between being hard on yourself and holding those expectations for everyone else, though. I've seen school snob parents in action, and it's a terrible thing that they're doing to their kids. It's also rather short-sighted for her to think that the Ivy League schools are the only options out there, or the only good options. The reality, though, is probably that she's less interested in whether or not they get the right education for THEM, but how their attending a big name school will reflect on her. She's obviously having a tough time, and if these are the expectations she has for her kids she's probably just as hard on herself. I'd chalk it up to some major issues on her part, and while I hope for her and her kids' sake she can work things out, for your own happiness I'd just let the friendship fade. Or, if you do continue to do things together, just try to accept that she is not likely to change anytime soon.
She has wondered about two of her children having disabilities, but she hasn't ever had the money to have them evaluated privately. I can't remember why she doesn't want the school district to do the evaluation....
That seems strange to me. There are ways to get checked for disabilities without having to pay a dime. The Department of Social Services covered my eye and ear doctor appointments that proved my blindness and deafness. Maybe it varies from state to state, but I'm pretty sure DSS covers it in most states.
Last edited by nimchimpsky; 10-24-2010 at 10:53 PM..
Sometimes we think we know people and then there comes the time when we realize there is nothing in common beyond the coffee and danish.
But when you realize the respect is not there and won't ever be there, maybe it is time to cut the strings. Sometimes the words have been spoken and too many words have been spoken and they were all truthful words and there is no return to the past relationship. The only thing that would help this relationship is for one of you to come over to the other persons thinking.
You realize now that she thinks you are beneath her and to be true friends you have to meet on a level playing field or one will always have to constantly cater to the other one, namely you to her. Do you want this relationship enough to do that?
It is time to ask yourself, "Am I better off being her friend or would I be better off not having her as friend." To be speaking like this, she has evidently made this decision already.
I missed your post earlier. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You're right. When you put it that way, she wasn't that special!
I'll do anything for anyone, but I've never had a doormat personality. I've always been okay in that regard.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sgoldie
I'm not much of a believer that social and monetary classes can't mix as friends but when someone throws such things in your face they never will work out.
That's it. This was...in...my...face. It just blows my mind she thinks she's better than me.
My husband and I have our sh%t together way more than they do on multiple levels.
Ironically, my parents were upper class. I just never 'took' to it, even as a child.
I guess this just boils down to pretension.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawdustmaker
Because she's looking for an excuse as to why her kids are not operating at a genius level.
My one set of overly educated in-laws pulled the same garbage with their 5 year old. They had him self-diagnosed with Aspergers because he just wasn't getting the concept of Kindergarten. They were raising him to have a large vocabulary, as in large words, not many words. When he's talking "the molecular structure of a(n) ..." without understanding what the molecular structure of ANYTHING really is, they think he's great. A great little parrot. When he can't write his name, can't read The Iliad and understand it, he's got a learning disability...God forbid they taught him how to write his damn name while they were busy running him all over creation trying to "smarten" him up. .
Oh, my! You painted quite a picture there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious
Not sure what your issue is. You thought you liked her, until you got to know her better, and it turns out you don't. You can't change her. She and you have different values and it sounds like the differences are significant, not trivial. I don't think this has anything to do with social class, but it does have to do with values.
My issue was that it's my nature to apologize when I've hurt someone's feelings, but I didn't even want to speak to her again.
I was conficted by my wanting to call (simply to apologize for hurting her feelings, not to gain friendship back) and not wanting to call ever again.
I'm not hoping to still have a friendship with her. I was simply adding that it was a disappointment.
I think many people have a different values than me concerning apologies.
I don't give an apology to to accomplish a goal. I give an apology simply because it's appropriate to do when I've hurt someone's feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fallingwater
I agree you have nothing to apologize for. I also do not see how you were rude either. Actually I think you showed very great restraint! She is the one missing out and I would not call her again. I have known people like this, eventually the friendships fizzle out. This one has run its course.
I agree. Interestingly, everyone here agrees. Very rare for a thread in the City Data parenting forum. That alone tells me a lot! LOL
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
