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As a parent of small children and when you found out that a "good friend" of yours didn't tell you that a relative of hers was a child molester and let you bring your kids around him? To the point where you had trust for this man by proxy and wouldn't have blinked an eye to leave your kid alone with him for a short amount of time? Or would have let him take your kid with hers to the park down the street?
Long story short: met a neighbor in my old development, became friends. 3 or 4 months later we moved - but not too far away and kept in touch, got together, went on family vacations together, etc. Within that first few months of "getting to know her" and BEFORE I moved, she told me she and her older sister had been molested by a "family member". I remember asking "Do you still have to see this person?" (b/c their mother didn't believe her kids, so nothing was done about it) and the answer was, "yeah, here and there".
6 years later she tells me WHO it is, on the phone, and I almost fell out of my chair. Not only did she and her sister see this person all the time, they left their kids with him on sleep-overs, celebrated holidays and birthdays with him - on purpose.
I was disgusted. And then I thought of her husband...WHO knowingly let's their kids hang out with someone who molested his wife when she was a child? What kind of a father/protector of his children is that?
Thankfully, she blames those she tells for having an adverse reaction and judging her, before they actually do - so she found a way to end the friendship very quickly and in true trash fashion while I was trying to figure out WHAT to do and how to do it tactfully. You know, do I get past the "He found God" excuse (as opposed to "finding his ass in jail")? Do I decline any invitation to anything the molester is going to be at? Do I support her, go to the function and leave my kids home? Do I have a heart to heart with her? Do I just flat out end the relationship?
I never got a chance to do any of that, which is fine. But since I didn't get a chance to make that decision, because she made it for me, once in a while I wonder what would have made the most sense and been the best decision as to how to go about handling "the news"?
I would be ANGRY beyond words that she didn't warn me to not leave my children alone with him all those years. That alone would end the friendship.
As for your other questions, I did have a friend whose father sexually abused her. (I never met him. I didn't socialize with her family, just her.) She did leave her children with her parents, but not outright alone with him. She told the family when she was about 20. On their own initiative, her parents paid for her to have therapy, and her father also went to therpy separately for many years too. There's the whole God thing too. Their church became actively involved in helping him. I can't judge my girlfriend for making the decison to allow her children to be with him. SHE truly believes that he is better.
I would have never left my children with him if I was her or even as her friend. The occassion never happened. I didn't know him.
There's just no excuse for hiding it from you for all of those years. Decisons your friend makes for her own children are her business, but she had no right making a decision about your children by not informing you that you were socializing with a molester.
I would be ANGRY beyond words that she didn't warn me to not leave my children alone with him all those years. That alone would end the friendship.
Thank God I didn't. But that was my very first thought when she told me it was her step-father. Why didn't she tell me and let me make my own decisions regarding my children?
Then a lot of other things fell in to place. For example: why when her daughter was on a sleep-over, she'd call her ever hour or so to speak with her. Why her husband HATED her mother beyond belief. Why her mother would freak out and attack her step-father out of nowhere (only heard about those incidents, never saw one).
Who stays with a man who molests children? Bio or not?
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She did leave her children with her parents, but not outright alone with him.... There's the whole God thing too. Their church became actively involved in helping him. I can't judge my girlfriend for making the decison to allow her children to be with him. SHE truly believes that he is better.
Yeah, that's what my friend did too - believed he was better. But no therapy. Just some big smack over the head with a bible changed him. Well that and, "he only did it when he was drunk and he doesn't drink any more". So if he got drunk he'd be looking for the hottest 9-13 year old girl?
Her "thing" was she didn't NOT want to go without having a father-figure in her life (b/c her mother can't even remember the name of the guy who is her bio dad) and her kids not having a grandfather on "her" side. They've got one on the other side. And they weren't so comfortable with him, which I only realized AFTER the fact.
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There's just no excuse for hiding it from you for all of those years. Decisons your friend makes for her own children are her business, but she had no right making a decision about your children by not informing you that you were socializing with a molester.
That's exactly what I thought. And me? I hugged the guy on plenty of occasions and even gave him a few kisses on his cheek.
It sounds to me as if she fully does not blame him for what he did. Because i would be damned if i ever went to a function with that man again....and would have my husband make sure he never wanted to show up.
It sounds to me as if she fully does not blame him for what he did.
You're right. She blames her mother just as much as she blames him.
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Because i would be damned if i ever went to a function with that man again....and would have my husband make sure he never wanted to show up.
I had to talk my husband out of driving over to her house to confront her husband that evening. And the funny thing? Her husband would get upset when MY husband would watch the kids collectively. My DH has a funky work schedule, so maybe 2x he watched all of one of her kids and our oldest while her DH was at work and the "friend" and I ran to the gym for an hour.
I'm sorry, but there is something so wrong with an adult person who get sexual pleasure, for years, from a child. And I don't buy, for a second, that anyone is really "saved" from or gets over those inclinations.
You're right. She blames her mother just as much as she blames him.
I had to talk my husband out of driving over to her house to confront her husband that evening. And the funny thing? Her husband would get upset when MY husband would watch the kids collectively. My DH has a funky work schedule, so maybe 2x he watched all of one of her kids and our oldest while her DH was at work and the "friend" and I ran to the gym for an hour.
I'm sorry, but there is something so wrong with an adult person who get sexual pleasure, for years, from a child. And I don't buy, for a second, that anyone is really "saved" from or gets over those inclinations.
No baring you can find out what ticks in their mind and fix it i agree. Which is why i think molesters and rapists should be jailed for life. You should howeverr inform anyone you can think of over this to make sure none of them get hurt by this sicko.
I fully believe that there is no such thing as "curing" a child molester (or any other sexual predator for that matter). No matter how much therapy or God they receive, there is still the lingering desire deep down inside waiting to come back out. All it takes is a singular moment of weakness for that desire to beat out the guards they have built up and they will act on it.
If this was me, I would end the friendship and state the exact reason why and not give it a second thought. Just consider myself lucky that I found out before I placed my child in a compomising situation.
As a parent of small children and when you found out that a "good friend" of yours didn't tell you that a relative of hers was a child molester and let you bring your kids around him? To the point where you had trust for this man by proxy and wouldn't have blinked an eye to leave your kid alone with him for a short amount of time? Or would have let him take your kid with hers to the park down the street?
Long story short: met a neighbor in my old development, became friends. 3 or 4 months later we moved - but not too far away and kept in touch, got together, went on family vacations together, etc. Within that first few months of "getting to know her" and BEFORE I moved, she told me she and her older sister had been molested by a "family member". I remember asking "Do you still have to see this person?" (b/c their mother didn't believe her kids, so nothing was done about it) and the answer was, "yeah, here and there".
6 years later she tells me WHO it is, on the phone, and I almost fell out of my chair. Not only did she and her sister see this person all the time, they left their kids with him on sleep-overs, celebrated holidays and birthdays with him - on purpose.
I was disgusted. And then I thought of her husband...WHO knowingly let's their kids hang out with someone who molested his wife when she was a child? What kind of a father/protector of his children is that?
Thankfully, she blames those she tells for having an adverse reaction and judging her, before they actually do - so she found a way to end the friendship very quickly and in true trash fashion while I was trying to figure out WHAT to do and how to do it tactfully. You know, do I get past the "He found God" excuse (as opposed to "finding his ass in jail")? Do I decline any invitation to anything the molester is going to be at? Do I support her, go to the function and leave my kids home? Do I have a heart to heart with her? Do I just flat out end the relationship?
I never got a chance to do any of that, which is fine. But since I didn't get a chance to make that decision, because she made it for me, once in a while I wonder what would have made the most sense and been the best decision as to how to go about handling "the news"?
There is publicly available databases of child molestors in your area. This homework should be done by you, and no one else. If you're still good friends, if you can get past the fact that she hid this information from you...I think you can go to those functions with your kids, but of course keep a close look at your kids. stay with them nearby and take them home with you.
As a parent of small children and when you found out that a "good friend" of yours didn't tell you that a relative of hers was a child molester and let you bring your kids around him? To the point where you had trust for this man by proxy and wouldn't have blinked an eye to leave your kid alone with him for a short amount of time? Or would have let him take your kid with hers to the park down the street?
Long story short: met a neighbor in my old development, became friends. 3 or 4 months later we moved - but not too far away and kept in touch, got together, went on family vacations together, etc. Within that first few months of "getting to know her" and BEFORE I moved, she told me she and her older sister had been molested by a "family member". I remember asking "Do you still have to see this person?" (b/c their mother didn't believe her kids, so nothing was done about it) and the answer was, "yeah, here and there".
6 years later she tells me WHO it is, on the phone, and I almost fell out of my chair. Not only did she and her sister see this person all the time, they left their kids with him on sleep-overs, celebrated holidays and birthdays with him - on purpose.
I was disgusted. And then I thought of her husband...WHO knowingly let's their kids hang out with someone who molested his wife when she was a child? What kind of a father/protector of his children is that?
Thankfully, she blames those she tells for having an adverse reaction and judging her, before they actually do - so she found a way to end the friendship very quickly and in true trash fashion while I was trying to figure out WHAT to do and how to do it tactfully. You know, do I get past the "He found God" excuse (as opposed to "finding his ass in jail")? Do I decline any invitation to anything the molester is going to be at? Do I support her, go to the function and leave my kids home? Do I have a heart to heart with her? Do I just flat out end the relationship?
I never got a chance to do any of that, which is fine. But since I didn't get a chance to make that decision, because she made it for me, once in a while I wonder what would have made the most sense and been the best decision as to how to go about handling "the news"?
I would be so disgusted and angry at this irresponsible and ignorant twit that I would have nothing to say to her ever again except "goodbye" and cut her out of my life permanently.
There is publicly available databases of child molestors in your area. This homework should be done by you, and no one else. If you're still good friends, if you can get past the fact that she hid this information from you...I think you can go to those functions with your kids, but of course keep a close look at your kids. stay with them nearby and take them home with you.
Only if it's been reported, and the person has been charged and found guilty.
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