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I don't know where to start. My 17yo Dtr lies through her teeth about her grades. She is a smart kid. She scored a 29 on her ACT, can rip off A's in any subject, and was in Algebra II as a Freshman. But unless I watch her every day online she gets Ds and Fs. Then she tells me she's getting straight A's. Even yesterday she told me that after I told her I knew otherwise. It is the same with her weight She has PCOS and her OB told her to lose weight (she was 210 lbs). Plus I am diabetic and PCOS is a diabetes trigger. She resets the scale and comes up with elaborate stories of what she is doing.
Yesterday was it. This is her senior year and she wants to become a psychologist. I honestly believe this is her calling. When we speak of it she is very interested and knows of what she speaks. But, I cannot let her go to college with this lying and laziness and risk not getting into grad school. I told her I would send her when she is ready and the reason why.
She flat out does nothing for school, she doesn't hand anything in (this has been going on since middle school). When I sit with her to do homework there is no point, she is able to learn the material by herself. She just doesn't. For 6 years or so we've talked, fought, yelled, screamed, just about everything to gert here attention. When she does her homework and reads ahead she gets A's and likes it. But then she stops. She seems self-destructive. She is overweight, has self-esteem issues, and reads (hence unpopular). She doesn't have many friends because of the self-esteem.
Further, I am a single dad. Her mother is Narcissistic PD. I married a woman that had 4 kids. We knew her and them for years and we all got along. Well, to cut to the chase that was a complete disaster.
I am taking her to a therapist tonight. She's been to 3 others. If this doesn't work I don't know what to do. She has a good soul, she is empathatic, has a concscience, doesn't make trouble, donates part of her allowance to charity, - she's really a good kid. But she seems bent on throwing it waway and I don't know what to do. She keeps wanting me to leave her. She has this self imposed destiny that her mother beat into her - she's going to be crazy like mom. She didn't have contact with her mother since the penultimate episode, but recently spooke to her (fealt sorry for her). This was right around the beginning of the current school problem. My dad also died at roughly this time. My parents live/d with me and my dtr and dad were close; my mom still does.
I don't know what to do. Is inpatient a good or bad idea if nothing changes?
First of all Im very sorry for everything you and your daughter are going thru.
It is tough being a teenager these days..She has to be hurting very deeply. Teens need to feel acceptance from their peers. Her self esteem is not helping her, She has lost very important people in her life.
I dont know her but I want to give her a big hug and tell her everything will work out in the end.
Why not join a gym together, and take her to get a make-over...
Dont let her give up on herself
Good luck..
I have 4 teens well 3 teens now my oldest is 22. Teens are great
This sounds like a sad situation all around. The fears of the father and the fears of the daughter are making this whole thing a vicious circle. To the OP...you might try letting her have a little more control of her life. She is after all nearly an adult. Be supportive about grades, weight loss, and her psychological issues about her mother's abandonment, but you really have to lighten up and not be quite so hovering as it seems you are.
Trust her with a phone. Trust her with the car. Trust that she's smart enough to make some good decisions in regard to her life. Right now, she has control over her weight and grades, that's it. So those are the only areas where she can make her own decisions because you're making all the other decisions for her. You've switched therapists several times, because I'm betting that you are choosing the therapist, too, so again there's no input allowed from your daughter.
Give her some room. Let her know you love her and want her to be happy. But there comes a time when you just have to let go because she's not a little girl anymore.
Are you here to vent? No one here can help you. I say it's this, someone else says it's that. Here's what I can offer you: she's 17. She'll soon be 18. Telling her she can't go to school until you decide she is ready only gives her more reason to rebel when she's legal. Actually she could leave home now and there'd be little you could realistically do about it.
Sounds to me like she needs you. If her mom had problems maybe she'll need you her entire life. But not sending her off to school when she graduates HS seems unbelievably stupid - like killing someone because they attempted suicide. Sounds like you have issues (re "fear of abduction.") Do you have any idea how RARE stranger abductions are? What it really sounds like is "fear of her leaving."
She needs to go to college. GO AWAY to college. She's never going to figure out who she is so long as you are making all the decisions for her. She's not a pet, she's a person.
What happens if nothing changes and she fails out her first semester? Then what?
Then she comes home to live with you again. Or maybe she finds a roomate, or a completely inappropriate relationship with an older abusive man, or a young abusive junkie, or she discovers she's a lesbian and moves in with another girl her own age. Maybe she spends the next ten years flipping hamburgers and waiting tables. We were all young, we all make mistakes.
I'm 48. When I left college I had about a 1.8gpa. I have 20 grand in debt and nothing to show for it, but after 25 years of beiong an engineer I want something more secure and fulfilling so I'm back in school. I bet you have similar stories about being young. It's never over until it's over.
---So your idea of helping her is to cut off schooling for her until she does what you want?
What happens if nothing changes and she fails out her first semester? Then what?
That's part of the learning experience of life isn't it though? Believe me if she wants to be a psychologist bad enough you not being there to push her will make her learn she has to do good in school.
She needs to go to college. GO AWAY to college. She's never going to figure out who she is so long as you are making all the decisions for her. She's not a pet, she's a person.
This is a great point, I agree she needs to go AWAY to college. Learn how to function as a responsible person without daddy hovering around making the decisions.
---So your idea of helping her is to cut off schooling for her until she does what you want?
What happens if nothing changes and she fails out her first semester? Then what?
SadDad, you need some help with you parenting style, and I do not mean that in a rude way at all okay? But truly, you are half of your daughters problems, you really are.
Long before now she should have been allowed to fail and suffer the consequences of her actions. If she has to wait until her first semester of college to do that, then better late than never.
I KNOW how hard it is to watch a kid you know has such potential just seemingly throw it all away. But until SHE wants better for herself she'll never have it. You wanting it for her is just not enough. And trying to control her to that point is backfiring on you.
Rather than threaten her with punishment, why don't you both seek some counseling, either individually, or together? You need to learn how to deal with your almost adult daughter in a way that doesn't involve threats and criticism
1) She has been lying for 6 years.
2) we have been in therapy 3x, starting with a new therapist tonight.
3) I do not threaten her and criticize her. This is the forst time there are real consequences for her actions, and the last time this happened these are the consequences we spoke of. I give her a lot of positive reinforcement. But she cannot go through life lying 24/7, and she is way too good a person with too many talents to throw away.
Biggest problem: Your daughter tells you she wants you to leave her? Red light flashing. Make sure the counselor know about this. She has no self-worth. Not good at all.
Her mother: If you are correct in your own diagnosis she isn't stable. Your daughter, who has enough problems, has contact with her and starts acting out even more. Not a bit surprising. Find out what she and Mom talked about. If you have any relationship with "Mom" talk to her yourself. You need to find out what "Mom" said to your daughter the last time they had an extended conversation.
College: She's 17 and you are already thinking grad school? I'd be thinking Community College and test the waters on how she does in that environment.
Grandfather: If they were close and she recently died she's in grief. He lived in her home. She doesn't have a lot of friends. Grandpa was probably a FRIEND. She's lost someone close, was talking with Mom who has her own problems and all of that put together? I'd get a little out of whack myself. Plus there was this whole other family in the picture for a while. Your home has been as stable as water.
Inpatient care: Talk with a professional yourself before you even think about that. (Unless you are a licensed psychologist/psychiatrist yourself.) You need help on sorting out your daughter's problems and why she has them.
Finally, were she my daughter, I'd put her in a group therapy/counseling session with teens her age with similar problems. She doesn't have a lot of friends. She'll make them in a group setting, even if she meets with them just once a week. She doesn't have many people to talk to. She lost grandpa who probably actually listened to her. She'll be exposed to other people her age and (hopefully) a good group leader to guide the soul-purging discussions. She'll also get help from the group and the leader on how to deal with things.
Slow, small steps. This isn't going to be solved in a week. And find a counselor who will see you and your daughter. Separately and together. Best of luck!
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