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I'm 48 single and live alone and have so for almost 20 years. I'm here in NY my mom & brother in the Atlanta suburbs. Dad passed away 2 years ago. Mom has survived dad's passing well and her own medical issues have actually gotten better. She had cancer and she herself put it into remission via alternative medicine
My relationship with my folks has been structurally sound, although we generally didn't see eye to eye a good deal of the time, in fact it was even worse when i lived on my own tho that quieted down once they moved.
Due to the pressures of my job, I really haven't had a chance to visit more than once a year. In the past i used to drive because i was afraid to fly, but when dad fell ill i braved it and started to fly. In his last months dad thanked me for braving it
I am visiting mom from 12/28 to 1/5. My company is having an audit in the summer and since we are the last program of it's kind due to budget cuts(because we generally do well on audits) and the state it's threatening to ask for repayment if they find any errors, all i seem to be capable of doing is working working working and make little to no time for enjoyment. i'm always stressed out like everybody elae.
My mom knows that unless it's a dire emergency i won't be able to visit until after next summer' audit so i made reservations for the times i listed above
My mom is very moody. Dad's illness, death made it somewhat more intense but generally she is always moody, encourages me to visit when i cannot, then after i've gone through all the planning and make reservations, suddenly she comes up with some kind of obstruction to the visit, leaving me holding the bag. we end up fighting and one of us hangs up on the other, plans cancelled for the time being
For example in the summer of 2008 when i had originally planned to visit my dad who was ill at home, when i was on the phone planning the visit with my mom, all of a sudden she went into a tirade about how am i going to get from the airport to her house (I was planning on taking public MARTA Atlanta transit) and she forbid me from travelling that way (" I don't want you riding with all those "shady characters" on those trains) then she started something about how she thinks i might be carrying bedbugs here in NY since NY had an infestation. I told her i'm not going to pay $100 for a cab to her house when transportation is available for $2. We got into an argument and i postponed visiting my dad for about 2 months.
I understood that she was probably under a lot of stress, but generally she always has a tendency to change plans at the last minute. She can suddenly go from very rational to flighty like an adolescent
Currently, mom started again with the bedbug situation in her last e mail to me just now. In my last e mail i told her i was taking a 3 day weekend from work because i was cleaning my entire apartment because the floors were dirty(I regularly do the stove, bathroom and kitchen but not the floors because that is a HUGE job to move everything). Maybe I shouldn't have told her that because now she is telling me to check for bedbugs and she does not want me bringing in roaches and bedbugs through my luggage into her house
I inspect my mattress regularly and honestly I don't see and have never seen any evidence of infestation. The mattress ticking is totally free and clear. in fact it looks like new.
As far as the carry- on luggage, that stays stored in a walk in closet and the backpack i use is stored in the same closet in a storage bin. Both are new and have no evidence of bedbugs or roaches.
I do have a roach problem in the kitchen area only. the rest of the apt is OK
she tells me to inspect my mattress which i already have done for the past 2 years and doesn't want me bringing in roaches. I have never left the house with roaches. if i tell her 'the truth" that the mattress is free and clear, she may not believe me. i've told her that the carry-on and packpack (which i use on my visits) are stored in a clean area and are in good condition). i don't know what else to do or say to convince her. I just e mailed her, asking her if she sees any evidence of infestation in her house.
what is to stop me from picking up bedbugs from another airline passenger, the airports, the MARTA train or anyone/anything else?
yes NY does have a bedbug problem and many of the clients i work with (I work with the mentally ill who live in adult home) have had issues with them
I cannot afford to stay in a hotel near her house(unless she wants to pay for it), and i cannot cancel this visit because i have things to do when i get back in January. we are asked not to take vacation during prep times for the audit in June
could you tell me the best way to proceed? what else can i do to convince her that her house is not going to be infested?
My mother doesn't like animals, particularly dogs and cats because she claims they all have worms and are dirty. I took a puppy I was fostering over her house one day to show my nephew when he was in town for Christmas. Everyone loved it and I think it was the first time in a while we were all civil to one another .....I'm sure she brought out the bleach and mop when I left.
Offer to have her house professionally cleaned by a service when you leave.
Looks as if you allow your mom methods to get to you. For instance your mode of transportation from the airport that you allowed to develop into an argument. Simply do not play the game. If your mother starts going on about something, divert the subject. All you needed to do in that instance was to talk about how annoying travel is and mentioned an occurrence you had in the past. Chances are your mother would take the bait and start talking about her experiences and thus no argument. You then were free to take the transportation that suited you. After which you do not mention it.
About the bedbugs, that is a no win conversation. Simply say you will ensure none are carried with you and than ask your mother if she has any bugs at her place. Talk about how you hated spiders when you were a little girl (boy?) and how your late father saved you one time.
I have a mother that is just as impossible to deal with if I allow her to get the upper hand. I avoid trying to win discussions or to change her. At her age it is a fruitless task.
Simply enjoy your time with your mom and realize that you may not get much more. Have a good holiday visit.
I don't know if I'd want to visit anybody who thinks I "infest" his/her house, be it even my mother!
I agree! I also wouldn't visit anyone that thinks they have a right to rule my life and can tell me what to do. Suggesting that I bring bugs to her house would only happen once. I don't get along well with people who are miserable and try to make everyone around them miserable too. Curtail your visits, if she asks why, tell her.
Forget about visiting. I would not go. That is me. But I suppose if you want to see your Father...that is an issue. So, I would go, and unfortunatley, just eat a 2 day stay at a motel, and rental car, and leave early.
it would be hard to curtail visits since i only visit once a year
this year would my first visit
telling her honestly has resulted in fights and she gets defensive and undermining if i argue or protest anything or even tell her that time is running out and if i have to cancel this trip she's not gonna see me till after the summer (and at that point it will have been 2 years since i last saw her)
i am the failure compared to my brother tho i am independent now and have been for 20 years. anything i have to say that is important to me goes in one ear and out the other. that's because she's still secretly hoping i will turn into the son she always dreamed of
mom has always had a lot of ambivalence toward me tho in this particular situation i don't it's aimed at me personally
mom alienates a lot of people as she has a 'go getter" disposition which unfortunately comes off as phony to a lot of people
now she says she is glad i am on top of the bedbug issue and is happy to hear there is no gunk in my mattress.
the truth comes out, now mom is obsessing about the building of a crematorium near her home which will run the risk of mercury and other chemicals and is threatening to drop the property values of her home and she worries that she needs the value of the home in the event that she has to move to an independent living home etc
she says she is exhausted "trying to fight the building of this crematorium"
she is always concerned about the environment, almost to the point of obsession, but she also gets herself ill fighting places like City Hall and Uncle Sam
she fights so hard she runs herself down in the process
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yeah Thursday
