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Try to approach your bf with the attitude that your home will be the 'fun' one. The child won't be there long enough for nutrition to really be an issue at this age, certainly not for this first visit. Make only meals you think he'd enjoy - mac n cheese, crustless pb&j, pancakes, etc. Remind your bf that his little stomach is the size of his fist. Buy some gummy vitamins, if it's a real concern or yogurt drinks. But ONLY serve food he'll like.
Your bf has to realize that your home isn't home to his son, and won't be for a long, long time. You can't force it. Trying to be anything more than a "soft place" at this point will backfire. I'm not saying don't discipline him if he does something truly wrong, but do it softly and gently. Most kids that age don't do wrong things if they're being interacted with by adults constantly. A short visit, a weekend, one night a week - no reason not to be totally focused on his toddler son for that time, especially if there are two of you there.
At 8:50 Mom and Grandma arrived with a loud banging on the front door, not just knocking. BF opened the door and they came in with a screaming son. Grandma made no eye contact or said a word as I tried to welcome them with a smile and hello. They both made a beeline for my kitchen, spun around and went upstairs, came back down in minutes...while the cop they brought with them stood in the doorway.
We were actually glad to see the cop and BF shook his hand and thanked him for coming. Even though in the court order it says the exchange should be as calm and drama free as they could make it. The child was still screaming and crying and clinging to his mom during the inspection.
BF held out his arms for him and of course he refused to go to him. Finally mom sat the boy down and they basically ran from our home.
Ok. Son cried for a good half an hour, he wanted his mommy..bf talked to him calmly and led him to the toys. Eventually he calmed down and began playing as bf talked to him, reminding him of some things that had worked during the parenting class. Little one was so precious..as bf was telling him if he stopped crying we would do this or that, he would say "I tryin, ok, I tryin"....bless his little heart.
I noticed at around 10, little one was yawning. He would play for awhile with bf then go back to crying for his mom. The lawyer arrived around 10:15, he was a little late LOL, but he brought some Dr. Seuss books that bf began to read to him. Oh boy does little one love Dr. Seuss! He began smiling and nodding and was really enjoying himself, despite yawning more.
At noon I left to go get McDonald's for lunch. I got back 15 min later and the three of us were sitting at the table eating and having fun with the toy that was in little one's Happy Meal when there was a knock at the door.
It was the cops. They asked bf to come outside and talk to them, which he did. I couldn't believe it! Bf came back in and said they were called by baby mama..get this: they called the cops because they said a car was missing from our residence and they just knew that we had taken little one to see his grandmother in a town 30 miles away and that was against the court order. Apparently, mom and grandma were parked at the park across the street the WHOLE TIME and were spying on us.
BF told the police officers what was going on, that today was his very first visitation after a year long court fight and mom and grandma were furious that he finally had won visitation. And to expect many more calls of this sort in the future from them. BF said the cops then just shook their heads. One of them said it was obvious that bf had his head on straight and was just trying to see his son and then they left, still shaking their heads. They had looked inside the house from the front door and could see us at the table eating.
After lunch, little one was falling asleep so the two of them went upstairs and took a two hour nap. At 2:00 they came downstairs and little one was a different person. No crying, just playing, laughing and hugs and kisses.
At 2:45 bf and little one went to sit on the front porch to wait. Mom and Grandma came at 2:55 and bf handed little one over, after much hugging and kissing and I love you's, to his mother, turned around and walked back inside the house. He did not say one word to the mother.
I cannot believe the two nutcases sat across the street, apparently well hidden because I looked for them, for SIX hours, spying on us.
The lawyer had left half an hour after he arrived, so he missed the cop activity. But we called him immediately after the visit was over. We also believe that mom had kept little one up very late Friday night and had gotten him up very early Saturday morning so he would be tired and cranky. They did everything they could to sabotage this first visitation.
Bf is to go get little one Wednesday at 4pm til 8pm. He says he fully expects to be pulled over on his way out of their town by the police there because he knows they will call them just to harass his. His tags are current, he had insurance and a valid license, so he's going to be ready. We are learning to expect the worst and not be upset by it. As long as we do the right thing we have nothing to be afraid of and they will eventually hang themselves. We are documenting everything and just in case, we are taking pictures of his son prior to giving him back, due to the fact that we wouldn't be surprised if they say a bruise or something came from us. We wouldn't put it past them to smack little one themselves just to put a mark on him and to say bf did it.
What kind of person would do all these things when all the father wants is to love and be with his son?
I also noticed something which is very important. Bf may talk the big talk when it comes to spanking or the cleaning his plate thing, but when he was actually with him? Didn't happen. He adores him. Little one only ate two chicken nuggets and about four french fries and he wanted to get down and play and bf said ok, but you gotta give me a hug first, LOL. I can tell by how he is with him that he will never lay a hand on that boy.
So. Thanks for reading our "saga" LOL. This is going to be interesting.
Glad to hear that despite the sabotage, the visit went well. I am also glad that your bf has calmed down about discipline. I hope the next visit goes well. Perhaps the mom and grandma will change their minds after they see that no harm is coming to their precious child. It may be that there was such animosity in the divorce and in his alcoholism that they don't believe he has changed.
Glad to hear that despite the sabotage, the visit went well. I am also glad that your bf has calmed down about discipline. I hope the next visit goes well. Perhaps the mom and grandma will change their minds after they see that no harm is coming to their precious child. It may be that there was such animosity in the divorce and in his alcoholism that they don't believe he has changed.
They were never married, it was a two week booty call, basically. They don't even know each other. BF brought up the past alcoholism himself in court because he had three DUI's over 10 years ago and he wanted to beat them to the punch. They weren't even aware of it.
Coming in late to this, here is how I see the original OP:
I am having trouble understanding the mindset. First, how can you "love very much" a person you have never seen or communicated with, and only know of the existence of by hearsay? And even if you do "love very much" this person, is it worth causing so much bitterness and hatred and legal wrangling over it, which can do nothing but complicate any possibility for a normal lifestyle for the child? How is it good for a child, to be placed at the focus of a lifelong hatred between two families?
What if it had turned out that there was no baby, and that the whole thing was a scam set up by the "mother" and her family? Would he still "love very much" this non-existent, fictional, made-up, pretend child?
Mom and grandma are only going to cause problems for themselves if they are consistently running for the cops (and your bf is consistently passing the 'tests').
Can you get a feel, is this immense anxiety or anger/vengefulness? If it's anxiety, hopefully in time they will begin to feel more comfortable...
Yeah, a 2 year old beginning to look sleepy by 10am is somewhat suspect...
I'm glad the visit went well, despite, hope the next one does too.
jtur88, not sure you followed the story...
oh and,
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtur88
And even if you do "love very much" this person, is it worth causing so much bitterness and hatred and legal wrangling over it,
That whole situation is pretty typical. Women like this want the money, and no involvement with the Father, they become frantic when they can't have their cake and eat it too. Expect more ot the same drama. It will no doubt escalate. Best wishes to you.
Glad that you and your BF enjoyed spending time with the little one! Sorry you have to deal with the psycho momma and grandma of the child. I can see that they are very concerned about leaving the child with "strangers" (since that's what you and your BF are at this point in time), but they need to start thinking about what's best for the CHILD! It's great that your BF wanted to be in his child's life since he found out that he did have a child. The momma should be greatful that the child's father wants to actually be in the child's life; there are some guys out there that wouldn't give a ****!
Quote:
My fiance' has been fighting for over a year to get visitation with his two year old son. His son was the result of a two week long "relationship". The gf told him she couldn't get pregnant.
He found out after his child was born by way of her suing for child support. DNA proved it was his.
As soon as he found out the truth he began paying child support and basically begging to see his son. She said no at first. Then a few times we met her at McDonalds. Then she would cancel at the last minute..each time my bf's heart would break a little more. He loves this boy with all his heart and just wants to be part of his life.
The momma doesn't seem very trustworthy.
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