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Old 11-21-2010, 02:57 PM
 
9,244 posts, read 7,256,165 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by calgirlinnc View Post
Does no one else find this woman's behavior appalling?

I mean, to receive child support every month for the next 16 years from this man, only to treat him like dirt....
No, I think it's normal to be anxious about putting your child in the hands of a virtual stranger. They don't have any kind of relationship at all, she doesn't trust the BF, and doesn't want him to visit, co-parent or have anything to do with the kid. It's not fair, but it's somewhat understandable. From what the OP says, the mother is a little over the top. Didn't stop the BF from boinking her for a couple of weeks and then moving on, though, did it? Could be more to her side of the story than we are aware of.

As for the child support, the BF should have considered that while he and the mother were having "booty call" casual sex. I don't see how anyone in this day and age has sex with someone they don't know without putting a condom on their John Thomas - regardless of what might be said about the woman's reproductive capabilities.

The child is not a possession that the BF is entitled to have no matter what. I think he should do what is in the best interest of the child, regardless of whether the BF may suffer as a consequence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12
That whole situation is pretty typical. Women like this want the money, and no involvement with the Father, they become frantic when they can't have their cake and eat it too. Expect more ot the same drama. It will no doubt escalate. Best wishes to you.
If it's such a typical situation, then more men have to understand how to use birth control when they are having sex with women they don't know.

The money is not for the woman. It's for the child that the BF helped create. The child is entitled to it. The mother may need it to give the child a decent life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by stressedCollegeGirl89
The momma doesn't seem very trustworthy.
If you hook up with a strange, untrustworthy, neurotic, frantic woman and you don't care enough about those attributes to keep it in your pants, and then you are irresponsible enough to not use birth control, then you are obligated to make sure the resulting child does not become a tug of war and you do everything possible to make his life better, you do not cause him further grief in order to assauge your own ego.
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Old 11-21-2010, 03:25 PM
 
Location: Brooklyn, New York
1,193 posts, read 1,597,876 times
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Mind your business, this is about your bf bonding with his child. Its not what *we* can do but what will the bf do if something goes bad.
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Old 11-21-2010, 05:06 PM
 
144 posts, read 260,198 times
Reputation: 163
Quote:
Originally Posted by FinsterRufus View Post
No, I think it's normal to be anxious about putting your child in the hands of a virtual stranger. They don't have any kind of relationship at all, she doesn't trust the BF, and doesn't want him to visit, co-parent or have anything to do with the kid. It's not fair, but it's somewhat understandable. From what the OP says, the mother is a little over the top. Didn't stop the BF from boinking her for a couple of weeks and then moving on, though, did it? Could be more to her side of the story than we are aware of.

As for the child support, the BF should have considered that while he and the mother were having "booty call" casual sex. I don't see how anyone in this day and age has sex with someone they don't know without putting a condom on their John Thomas - regardless of what might be said about the woman's reproductive capabilities.


If it's such a typical situation, then more men have to understand how to use birth control when they are having sex with women they don't know.

The money is not for the woman. It's for the child that the BF helped create. The child is entitled to it. The mother may need it to give the child a decent life.


If you hook up with a strange, untrustworthy, neurotic, frantic woman and you don't care enough about those attributes to keep it in your pants, and then you are irresponsible enough to not use birth control, then you are obligated to make sure the resulting child does not become a tug of war and you do everything possible to make his life better, you do not cause him further grief in order to assauge your own ego.
I am going to have to agree with the above.

AdoptStrays, I feel for you. You have no part in all this, but you are now part of this circle between bf, the mother, the grandmother, and child.

I wish you the best. Keep us posted regarding the next couple of visitations
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Old 11-21-2010, 05:24 PM
 
4,498 posts, read 3,596,040 times
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To play devil's advocate:

Is the woman not responsible for birth control? Is she not responsible for casual booty call sex and for any ensuing offspring?

One would presume that this was consensual sex (no rape charges)....Therefore, she too must follow procedures and protect herself from an unwanted pregnancy. It's not rocket science.

But, once said child has arrived, if she chooses to include the father by asking for/demanding money to help raise the child, then she also needs to face the fact that he then has a LEGAL RIGHT to visit that child and be a part of that child's life.

Sounds to me like she wanted all of the money but didn't want to face the fact that then she would have to be entangled in a relationship with the father.
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Old 11-21-2010, 06:01 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
22,176 posts, read 23,775,423 times
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Quote:
Is the woman not responsible for birth control? Is she not responsible for casual booty call sex and for any ensuing offspring?
BC is the responsibility of whomever does not want children as a result of their evening's entertainment. No matter what one "thinks" the other has already done to take care of business.
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Old 11-21-2010, 08:39 PM
 
Location: Kansas City Metro
203 posts, read 442,067 times
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OP here.

It is something for me to be involved in because bf and I live together and are getting married in six months. I will be the little one's stepmother.

I agree he should have used BC, duh. FYI he was so pissed at what happened and the role he played in it, that he had a vasectomy done shortly after he discovered the boy was his. This was before he met me.

He has been paying child support for almost two years. Last year was the first year he had the money to hire a lawyer to fight for visitation. He WANTS to be in his son's life.

Don't know if this makes any difference..baby mama is 33 and still lives at home with the grandparents and her TWO other children by different men. This appears to be how she gets spending money. The grandmother runs a daycare out of the home. So she has free child care, no bills, and no cares. Our lawyer has talked to the other two fathers and she does not let them see their kids either. Neither one has the money for a lawyer. Our lawyer is thinking of taking them both on pro bono just for the satisfaction. I saw no reason to include this info in my original post due to wanting mainly advice on how to make the transition easier for little one, and not foreseeing all the judgment regarding how the boy was conceived. What's done is done.

I am not making excuses for bf's past behavior. But this "mistake" is a little boy who is going to have a daddy who loves him very much.

Thank you to all for taking the time to respond and advise.

Last edited by Adoptstrays; 11-21-2010 at 09:37 PM..
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Old 11-21-2010, 10:15 PM
 
4,498 posts, read 3,596,040 times
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And, FWIW, thank goodness he will have a daddy in his life who is willing to fight for him.

It will make all the difference in the little boy's life.
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Old 11-21-2010, 11:02 PM
 
9,244 posts, read 7,256,165 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adoptstrays View Post
OP here.

It is something for me to be involved in because bf and I live together and are getting married in six months. I will be the little one's stepmother.

I agree he should have used BC, duh. FYI he was so pissed at what happened and the role he played in it, that he had a vasectomy done shortly after he discovered the boy was his. This was before he met me.

He has been paying child support for almost two years. Last year was the first year he had the money to hire a lawyer to fight for visitation. He WANTS to be in his son's life.

Don't know if this makes any difference..baby mama is 33 and still lives at home with the grandparents and her TWO other children by different men. This appears to be how she gets spending money. The grandmother runs a daycare out of the home. So she has free child care, no bills, and no cares. Our lawyer has talked to the other two fathers and she does not let them see their kids either. Neither one has the money for a lawyer. Our lawyer is thinking of taking them both on pro bono just for the satisfaction. I saw no reason to include this info in my original post due to wanting mainly advice on how to make the transition easier for little one, and not foreseeing all the judgment regarding how the boy was conceived. What's done is done.

I am not making excuses for bf's past behavior. But this "mistake" is a little boy who is going to have a daddy who loves him very much.

Thank you to all for taking the time to respond and advise.
Yes, but there has been a lot of judgment and/or contempt thrown at the mother, without much regard as to how she got to be pregnant in the first place.

My point with the conception, basically, is that if you're just bonking a woman for the fun of it and you haven't protected yourself, then yes you do owe the CHILD monetary support, but I don't think you can hold yourself to a higher moral standard than the woman you were having sex with.

Personally, IMO, although it's great that your BF wants to be a Daddy, if it's going to cause serious upset to his primary family, and as a result cause the kid more grief than benefit, perhaps he should think really hard about his motivation in all of this.

I'm getting a bit of a vibe of "he's been paying child support therefore he deserves to see the child". I say he doesn't, if it is not in the best interest of the child. Probably an unpopular opinion, but that's my gut feeling on it.

I also worry about the fact that your lawyer wants to take on her other kid's fathers "for the satisfaction". This just reeks of competition and oneupmanship. You guys are playing with little kid's lives. Be very careful what can of worms you open up here. It could be devastating for them and your BF's child.

And really, if you get married to the dad, you won't be the boy's stepmother. He already has a mother. You'll be the wife of the boy's father. If you two keep pursuing this, you will have the mother in your lives for a really long time. It might behoove you to try and rise above the drama, and stop referring to her as a "baby momma" and a "nutcase".
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Old 11-21-2010, 11:22 PM
 
1,173 posts, read 2,465,770 times
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And really, if you get married to the dad, you won't be the boy's stepmother.

uhhh, yes she will be.......behoove that..
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Old 11-21-2010, 11:58 PM
 
9,244 posts, read 7,256,165 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by exit82 View Post
And really, if you get married to the dad, you won't be the boy's stepmother.

uhhh, yes she will be.......behoove that..
The term stepmother does not usually apply to the wife of a biological dad that the child has have never lived with, either full or part time, especially if the father has never been married to nor had a relationship with the mother.

Quote:
Noun

stepmother
  1. The wife of one's biological father, other than one's biological mother.
Usage notes

In Western heterosexual couples, this is typically after after the divorce or death of the birth mother.
stepmother - Wiktionary
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