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Remember that as the mother, in addition to the obvious fact that you will be CARRYING the child, in most cases, you will be responsible for at least 50 percent of its daily care - probably more like 80 or 90 percent. Your husband may be "chomping at the bit" but IMHO men to not make as big a commitment to having a child as a woman does.
It sounds like you are sticking to your guns about your own time-frame on this. Please do not let anyone influence your decision. There are many people out there like myself who are simply not cut out to be parents. There is no shame in it. It is as valid a choice as any other. If parenthood is *that* important to your husband, you might give consideration to adopting an older child which will give you a break from the "baby" period which is so demanding. However, never underestimate for a minute how having a child (natural or adopted) will impact your relationship with your husband.
Never discount the fact too that women still die in childbirth more often than you might realize.
I have never regretted being childfree. My husband and I enjoy a lifestyle that would be impossible with a child. The freedom is fantastic and our marriage grows stronger every day. I cannot even begin to imagine what a negative influence a child would have on it.
I'm certain that you will get LOTS of contradictory posts (since this is the parents forum, after all), but just keep in mind that it is YOUR LIFE and you have to do what is right for YOU. Being pressured into having a child that you are not ready for is a sure recipe for disaster.
20yrsinBranson
Really good post. You gave her some really good advice
that discomfort you THINK you will have is not as bad as you are making it out to be in your mind. you have to understand that not everyone gains 100 lbs. you only really should gain about 25-35 lbs, and it's gradual. it's not like you will all of a sudden be given 35 lbs to walk around with. your body adjusts to everything. you will probably need a nap here and there. we all get through it. the most discomfort usually comes in the final few weeks. also most women are active and continue to exercise during pregnancy which helps with everything.
also when its your baby, you will change your mindset. i have seen many women who say they are going to be one way once the baby is born and inevetably become nurturing mothers in every sense. it comes naurally --it's how it's been always.
dont let anyone pressure you, but dont be scared either. we live in a time of medical marvals. i doubt you will surprise any doctor these days.
Not sure what the physical problems are but to me that would be a big thing to review and consider. Will they be exacerbated by the pregnancy and can the effects be permanent? Can you take your medications during pregnancy and if not, what would happen? If it is something that is progressive and/or unpredictable (I'm thinking epilepsy, MS, and so on...) what happens if it gets worse and it impacts your job, your ability to be mobile, care for your child,...(I think of this because I had an acquaintance who had epilepsy and could not drive, and her mother had to take her son and her places (preschool, grocery shopping, MOPS) during the day).
Good luck with your decision. Many people are not ready, and it goes just fine. I have a feeling there are people out there, and more than we know, who regret the decision to go ahead and have children (or have more than one) - its just taboo to say something like that when you already have kids.
I would go and talk to a doctor if I were you. Tell them your fears, see what they have to say. By no means are you committing yourself to getting pregnant. You are just talking.
It may make your decision easier. At least you will be more informed!!
I would have to say that if you are doubting that you want children, then it's better not to have them right now. Any reason you can think of now for why it's not a good idea can quickly be turned into your worst nightmare if it only becomes nominally true. No one can convince you of what's "better" having kids or not having kids. It's a personal decision that each person/couple must make for themselves.
However, the couple issue is the one I can see being a problem for you. If your husband absolutely wants children and you don't, that is a recipe for disaster. The issue of having or not having and then the question of how many has easily destroyed many marriages. However, I would strongly advise you to NOT have children if the only reason is to satisfy your husbands needs/desires.
I feel like having a family is important to me, but on the other hand, I've never been one of those women who coos at babies and wants to hold them. I feel awkward around children--I don't think I am very maternal.
You listed many concerns about having a baby and why it may not be right for you (at least now). Then you said having a family if important to you. WHY is having a child important to you? What is it about it that is important? Is it to fulfil others' expectations? Because everything you said sounds contrary to wanting a baby (it will impact your romantic relationship, stress, career, etc.). I think that's what you should think about and understand for yourself....what about having a baby is important to you? If it's only to fulfill other people's wishes, it might be the wrong thing or at least the wrong time for you.
What does your husband expect? Have you told him your issues about children? How will that impact your marriage? Those are some pretty big issues...and if you told him at one time you wanted children, and now have changed your mind, he might be upset.
I never really processed all of those issues, I got PG, and thought about getting rid of it, but decided not to, and did not really process all the other stuff...I don't think that much, I am too busy. I had the kid, and then had three more...and life was fine. I probably would have been just as happy to have not had a child as well...they are alot of work, and money, and definitely a change in your lifestyle, that is for sure. My kids were not really that big of a hassle to me, I still worked, and finished degrees while working, with children. I did not have help either, but managed. You just juggle everything, and don't sleep much for about 15 years.
Flip it around, what if you find out you cannot get pregnant? How would you feel? And you had no "choice", after all, your concern may be a moot point, how do you know you can even have a child? You are assuming way too much...and over analyzing everything...and making it out to be completely negative...there is not one positive thing that you can think about in having a child?
I'm a married woman in my mid 30's. Been married almost 7 years, and we own our own home. For all practical purposes, we're ready to start a family. But I'm really on the fence. My hubby is ready to have kids, and we talk about this often. But I really feel I'm not ready yet, and although I'm doing a lot of research into parenthood, I feel that I can't take that first step to even see an OB/GYN for a pre-natal consultation. I feel like I need another 5 years or so to feel ready. On the other hand, the clock is starting to tick, since I'll be 35 soon, and I think that I am not ovulating every month anymore, so I wonder if I'll have trouble getting pregnant.
Some of my concerns include pregnancy itself (I don't think my body can handle it), concern about feeling alone and not having any family nearby to help once the baby is born (both sets of parents are a several hours' plane ride away), worry about balancing career and family (I just started a new career recently), concern about the number of hours my husband works now and how little together time we have now, and how that together time will be impacted by a new baby, and concern about not feeling settled here/like we have any roots here (we've only lived in our city for four years and emotionally I don't feel settled here at all--we have no roots here whatsoever and no sense of community). I also don't do well with lots of stress and my friends who have kids always seem stressed and exhausted all the time.
Another big concern is losing the sense of being a couple when you are preoccupied with the exhaustion and stress of having children. Keeping the romance in our marriage is important to me, and I worry about that decreasing dramatically after having children, as I know it often does.
I feel a lot of pressure to have kids (from my husband and socially, as I am the only one of my extended family to not have kids). I actually feel that my extended family is shunning me because I don't have kids--it's like I'm the outsider in a family-friendly club.
I feel like having a family is important to me, but on the other hand, I've never been one of those women who coos at babies and wants to hold them. I feel awkward around children--I don't think I am very maternal.
So emotionally I don't feel ready but physically I feel like I need to have a child soon. Though I feel that I should feel ready, and I know my husband is chomping at the bit.
Half this thread sounds very familiar to me. throughout my mid and late thirties I was on the fence back and fourth , do i, dont i. It took about 8 years of this and a cute little nephew to finally get me off the fence about having kids. Now at age 41 (as of yesturday) my 39 year old wife and I are trying to have a child. There is absolutely no doubt in either of our minds anymore. Now that I am no longer afraid I wish I would have started trying 10 years ago so I wouldnt be so old, but we just werent ready then.
You say you have medical issues which would require "clearance" to get pregnant. You say you're worried about many aspects of pregnancy. You say you're worried about being worried. You're working yourself up now into an anxious state, and you haven't even gone to a doctor about this yet.
My advice to you: you're not even close to being ready to get pregnant.
HOWEVER: You might be perfectly ready to be a mom. You're getting lots of worrying practice - and that's definitely a job requirement!
Please consider the option of adoption. You can be a mom, and not be pregnant. You could even consider adopting a child who is out of infancy and into toddlerhood, thus overcoming the hurdle of career vs. motherhood (because at toddlerhood you could do part-time daycare and part time career, much easier than with a newborn).
If your primary worries are pregnancy and your physical health, and you feel in your heart that you're ready for motherhood, then adoption might just be the perfect solution for you.
However, I would strongly advise you to NOT have children if the only reason is to satisfy your husbands needs/desires.
I couldn't agree more. The OP does not sound like she wants children.
Most people are reassuring her about her pregnancy concerns, but the OP listed many other non-physical reasons for being unsure about having a child.
If someone doesn't want a child, nobody should pressure them. Sadly, the OP is being pressured by her husband and her own family.
OP, you said you don't do well with stress. Well, parenting is VERY stressful. I postponed pregnancy because I didn't have patience, but I became a more patient person by 28 and that's when I decided to have my first child. You are much older, and you still don't think you can handle stress very well. That alone is a big factor you shouldn't easily disregard.
For the sake of the child, don't have a child if you are not 100% committed. You will give up your freedom. You will do most of it on your own without your husband's help. You will be stressed out. Very few people will lie to you and say those things won't happen.
My children are young adults now. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It was very rewarding too. But I truly do think I would have been just as happy if I had not had children. I don't regret them, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that everyone doesn't have to have children.
I had my first child by default. Until 28, I resisted the idea because I wasn't a patient person. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought to myself, "Well, I'm a more patient person now." I didn't consider half the things you are concerned about. If I had, I woudn't have had children. Sure, it worked out for me, but that's because I'm a selfless person by nature. I adapt easily to change. I've always put others before me.
Only you know if you're the type of person who isn't selfish and can give up everything to raise a child. There's no guarantee that one of the concerns you listed won't happen. If one of your concerns does happen, are you the type of person who can adapt and happily live a less than perfect life?
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